Ranger24: Okay yeah I'm cutting this back considerably but I'm still doing it.
Chapter 2: First blood
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
"Hey how are we already here?" Looney demanded that night as the stood at the lip of a narrow valley overlooking the Narutard camp.
"Because I'm lazy," Ranger growled. He turned to X who had a pair of binoculars pressed to his eyes. "You see him?"
"Not yet," X replied. "Wait..."
He passed Ranger the binoculars.
"Take a look."
Ranger took the binoculars from X and pressed them against his eyes. Sure enough there was Nukid being lead up the steps of some kind of altar.
"Oh joy they're going to sacrafice him to god knows what," Ranger said.
"Whats the plan?" Mistress asked.
Ranger pulled out his knife and drew out a rough map of the base in the dirt.
"Mission objective is to rescue Nukid from crazed fans who appear to be preparing to offer him up for some ritual," Ranger explained. "Phase one." He drew a line heading straight into the base. "Lunatic goes straight on into the base to create a diversion."
"What?"
"Allowing me to flank around to the north and attack them," Ranger continued ignoring Lunatic. "Phase two everyone else moves in from the south and secures Nukid and Lunatic if he's not dead."
"Okay really not liking this plan!"
"Phase three we fall back the way Lunatic came in with myself covering the rear."
"Okay cann we pause for a second and discuss the parts where I almost die?" Lunatic demanded.
"Luntatic you've got the most important job of all," Ranger explained. "You'll not only be distracting them but on the way you'll be laying our escape route with these." He then held up a sack full of anti personal mines.
Looney took the sack and looked at it warily.
"There's not a remote detonator in here is there?" He checked.
"Of course there is," Ranger replied. "Otherwise we'll get killed by our own mines."
"Or you can kill me because you don't like me," Looney shot back.
Ranger sighed.
"Looney I don't hate you... Okay so not really... Only kinda..."
Everyone now was watching the exchange with rather annoyed expressions.
"You just annoy the crap out of me because I find little in you that is redeeming. You are a spineless wimp, a furry, an evangelical pest, an idoit who can't be bothered to do research on what he's supposed to be writing about resulting in substandard work, and you are the least combat effective member of the team. Hikari could beat you in an arm wrestle. Yet at the same time I have the tiny shred of hope in me that before you die a fitting death you might show some redeeming quality."
"In laymens trems your Grif, he's Sarge." X said suming up Ranger's statement.
"One, I don't watch that show, two I found all that very offensive, and three I'm not doing this," Looney snapped.
Ranger turned the X and then pulled up his pants leg.
Five seconds later Looney went screaming into the camp having been punted all the way into the camp while the others watched from the ridge.
"Nice kick," Mistress noted.
"I'm a Horde player, we practice on Gnomes," Ranger replied.
X shook his head in annoyance.
"Can I ask a question?" Airnaruto asked.
"Yeah?"
"Why exactly are you sticking most of us on the get Nukid out part of the plan?" He asked.
Ranger pointed back to his drawing in the dirt.
"Getting Nukid out is the full point of the mission," he answered. "Looney's secureing the escape route while I draw off the main enemy force. Air, you're a trained Ninja so you're the teams scout, you clear the way of any hostiles you don't think the group can slip passed."
He then pointed his knife at Mistress.
"You've got the tracking abilities of a werewolf and as such a wolf's night time hunting skills. You're the detection."
Then he pointed at X.
"And X is there in case it all goes fubar."
Then he sheathed his knife and drew out his bow.
"It's also going to take two people to carry Nukid out of here effectively seeing as how he probably won't be able to walk," Ranger explained. "I'm not going to leave him to die. I don't want anyone dying under my watch."
He pulled an arrow out and knocked it to his bow.
"Lets get in, get out, and bring Nukid home. In a few days we'll all be laughing and talking shit about this whole thing," he said as Airnaruto pulled out a knife, X swung out the Sparda, and Mistress cracked her knuckles. "First drinks are on me though."
-AF-
Looney was nearly wetting himself in sheer terror as he found himself in the midst of hundreds of Narutards all staring at him.
"Um... Hi!" He said standing up. "I was wondering if any of you wanted to talk about our lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
They stared at still him.
"Well," he gulped. "Jesus was a really great guy, most religons with the exception of Satanism agree on that. Jesus went around spreading the word of love and peace to the people of a very tirbulant region of the world. He was betrayed by one of his dispels and arrested by the Romans. He was crucified and died for our sins."
A knife landed at his feet, inches from impaling his left foot.
"We only believe in our lord and savior Naruto!" The closest Narutard proclaimed.
"Believe it!" The rest all proclaimed as one.
Looney face palmed.
"Look I'm sorry people but worshipping a fictional character isn't a real religon. Thats just stupid."
"Religious freedom jerk!" Another proclaimed.
"Stop suppressing our culture you ethnocentric asshole!" Yet another yelled.
Looney gulped lifting up his hands as if to ward them off.
"Look I wasn't trying to be offensive I'm just voice my opinions which I believe are completely justified.
"Wait a second I know you!" One of the Narutards said from behind him and he turned to face the young woman. "He's the Insane critic!"
This seemed to piss the Narutards off even more.
"Yes I am!" Looney yelped. "Glad to meet a fan!"
"You're the bastard who wrote Manga Month!" The young woman snarled.
"OH COME ON!" Looney screamed out in sheer frustration. "HOW FREAKING LONG IS EVERYONE GOING TO BE GOING ON ABOUT THAT!"
"I liked Slam Dunk!" One proclaimed.
"OFFER HIM UP LIKE THE HERETIC!" Another yelled.
The Narutards drew out their weapons, a mass of ninjatos, kusarigama, knives, nunchucks, boe staves, sia, and Shuriken. Looney drew out his Chakarams.
'So this is it?' He thought to himself. 'This is where I go and meet Jesus.'
Then suddenly there came screams from the north.
"THE GREEN DEVIL! THE GREEN DEVIL IS HERE!" A Narutard screamed out over the tumalt.
Dread covered the faces of the Narutards.
"What are we waiting for! The woman who recognzed Looney demanded. "We either kill him or he'll kill all of us!"
"LETS MOVE!" Another yelled.
The next thing Looney knew he was being almost flattened by a massed stampede of running and shouting Narutards. After about a minute off being trampled on Looney was alone on the ground brusied and bleeding.
"Ow..." He moaned.
-AF-
"Thirty two!" Ranger proclaimed snapping off another arrow into the eye of a Narutard. "Thirty three!" An arrow to the throat. "Thirty four!" An arrow to the heart. "Thirty five!" Another to the eye.
Ranger was stepping over the dead bodies of the Narutards he'd so far slain yanking used shafts out of their corpses. This may have been a mission to save the life of a friend but he was personally having a ball. He suspected it had something partially to due to his heritage which he suspected was from Celtic and Saxon tribes. The blood thristy barbarian in him was certainly being sated tonight.
They drew in closer to close for his bow to be of much further use so he slung it and drew out Sol and Luna.
"Ninja's vs bullets?" He proclaimed before opening fire.
High powered slugs cut down the charginging enemies like a sycthe through wheat. He ran out of ammo released the spent magazines and then swept in two fresh ones and resumed fire. His ammo went empty again and he reloaded again. Lather, rinse repeat.
"The winner is bullets," he said with a grin.
By now the Narutards sheer number had allowed them to get within ten feet of him. With no time left to reload he holstered his guns and then drew out his Longsword Rosemont.
The Narutards paused staring at him. Then they started laughing at him.
"What's so funny?" Ranger demanded.
"You're using a longsword!" One said between chuckles.
"And?"
"We've got ninjato's, mini katana's! The best sword in the world!"
Ranger furrowed his brow.
"Oh really?" He said, deadly serious. "Allow me to properly edjucate you on swords."
Then he sliced the head clean off the Narutard who'd answered his question. Before any of them could react he cut a second from shoulder to spine. The Narutards rushed in around him but Ranger kept fighting. He parried the first incoming attack and then split his attackers skull in half with his blade. He slashed and hacked without any form fo mercy peircing their lines and leaving a trail of corpses in his wake.
"The Katana," he explained parrying another attack. "Is a steel sword usual measuring between three and a half and four feet." He headed his attacker and then stabbed another through the stomach. "The true katana's we know of in the west were designed after the Mongol invasion of Japan. They were made of speacilly forged steel by master Japanese smiths and priests." He kicked one attacker in the gut, stabbed another, then finished off the one he had kicked. "The Katana has a curved blade and is rather light in comparison to western swords." He head butted an attacker then stabbed him. "The Katana is reputed to be the sharpest sword in the world able to easily cut through unarmored enemies with ease." He grabbed an attackers weapon hand with his free arm, twisted her arm around her back, and let her take the next attack for him. He then slashed the throat of the would be attacker.
"The katana however is essentially a one trick pony," Ranger continued off had back handed a narutard trying to get him from behind and then turned about and plunged his sword through his heart. "It's curve makes it an akward thrusting weapon." He slashed off the arm of another and then sliced another in half. "Its light weight prevents it from having the power to hack through heavy armor making even simple chain mail perfectly effective against it." He beheaded another and then stabbed one through the throat. "These weaknesses mean the Katana is limited almost exclusively to slashing attacks." He kneed an attacker in groin, punched him in the head, and then cut off her head. "The katana is also completely dependant on its cutting power meaning that once it begins to dull it becomes good only for causing bruises." He yank out his Saex knife and then cut the throat of male Narutard. "The majority of katana's made today are poor quality reproductions that begin to dull around five uses." He plunged his knife into the chest of female narutard and then stabbed it in again and again until blood poured from her mouth. "The hand full of quality katana's are expensive, old, and mostly aren't for sale." He sheathed his knife and then sliced the legs off an attacker and then stabbed a second through a third.
"The Longsword by comparison," he parried another attack and then stabbed the man through the groin. "Is a three to four foot long sword." He hip checked a charging Narutard and sent her sailing head first into a knife. "The earliest Longswords were designed by the Celts in the time before the Romans." He cut his next attacker clean in half. "The Longsword its a double edged straight sword that was mass produced by skilled smiths throughout Europe." He cut the head off another. "The Longswords strength of the Longsword lies in its length and weight. This gives it greater reach and strength then comprable Roman Gladius's." He swept the legs of an attacker and then crushed his throat beneath his boot. "The Longsword remained and use in one form or another from the 5th Century BC. to the 1550's when it was phased out by swords like the Cutlass and Rapier." He punched an attacker so hard they spun about and Ranger plunged his blade into their spine.
"The Longsword is a well balanced weapon," Ranger continued. "Its weight gives it the power to easily cut through bone and its pointed tip gives it the ability to find gaps in enemies armor." He sliced open and attackers stomach, snatched their falling Kusarigama, and then brought the weapon down through another's skull. "A durable blade, the longsword can take a lot of abuse and still dish out punishment." He stabbed an attacker through stomach then spun about and cut the legs out from under another. "It can be blunted on the edges and still have the power to break bones like the spine, skull, or neck." He kicked another attacker in the head and then slashed their rib cage open. "To put it bluntly, the Longsword is a jack of all trades..." He back hand stabbed the sword through another attacker and then yanked it out to behead another enemy. "Master of none."
In the course of his rant Ranger had killed twenty three enemies leaving a pile of corpses around him. Add that to roughly fifty enemies he'd already killed and Ranger had already single handedly killed nearly a fourth of the Narutards.
He flicked the blood from his sword and the Narutards backed away terrified of him. He beckoned to them, leveling his sword.
"Any questions?"
Ranger24: And thats the chapter folks! Tune in next time for more asskicking. Read and review.