Okay, well I'm back with a chapter for this one. I didn't realize that starting a new job would take up so much of my writing time! So, thank you for sticking with me if you have been and I apologize for how long it is taking me between each posting. I'm going to try and get back on track but I can't promise anything. I'm finishing one class and beginning another next week.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything Twilight. Thank to S.M. I am able to play with her characters!
Of all days for me to get no sleep, I laid there in bed just waiting for the stupid alarm to start blaring so I would have to get up and get myself ready for the shit day that I knew I would have.
How do you know it will be bad, you ask? Well, ever since age 5 my life has sucked. You would think as a child I would be infinitely happy, well you're wrong. At 5 my life went to hell when my mother walked out of the door to our simple home.
She walked out of my life while I was sitting on the couch watching cartoons and completely unaware of what was going on around me.
She walked away from Charlie as he stood silently on our porch.
I always held hope that she would return. I never understood why she left to begin with. The whole bullshit story she gave to Charlie about feeling stifled in such a small, rainy town like Forks, that's all it was, bullshit, in my opinion.
Who would have thought that nice, God fearing people could be hurtful to a 5 year old? They can and they were.
"Oh, look at that poor thing. Her momma was just a floozy and now she has no one."
"Renee better never step foot back in town. She just left with that young man Phil or whatever."
"That Swan woman was just a whore. How could she have left such a young child?"
"I heard that perfect Charlie abused her. I mean he always enjoyed drinking well enough."
They may not have meant any harm to my 5 year old self, but what they said did damage all the same.
The hope that I held onto about Renee returning was lost when I turned 12 and realized the woman would never be back. I still don't know if Charlie has realized it.
No, he just tries to drink away the pain.
That along with the pain that he has inflicted on me over the past twelve years. I'm 17 now, 10 months from 18. Too many years have gone by for me really to remember much about Renee. The only memories I hold of my absent mother are the ones in photos that have never been removed from the mantel. The ones that sit there collecting dust for me to clean and those that Charlie has forced on me over the years.
Well, I guess it's about that time. Time to get up and start my day. I wonder how many times I'll have to hide today so I won't hear the nasty things they say. They think that I don't know, Jessica and Lauren, but I hear everything that they say about me and all of the rumors that they start.
It's funny, though. I used to care. I used to give a shit about what I heard, but not anymore. I just want to graduate and get the hell out of Forks. Somehow getting away from here will be the answer.
Charlie's already gone for the morning. Thank God. It makes it so much easier just to go about my day without him around.
Without grumbling too much about the lack of clothing in my closet, I finally set my sights on a pair of worn out skinny jeans, a white cotton T and my go to flannel. It's not like I'm trying to make a fashion statement.
Bringing everything with me into the bathroom, I make my way into the shower. I can't even stand to look at myself anymore but I chance a peek at my reflection in the full length mirror behind the door. You would think I was still anorexic with all of the bones I have sticking out of my body.
I run my hands through my hair after I let it down out of its pony tail that I wear during the night. Smothering from my load of hair is definitely not how I planned on dying, not that I've planned my death out recently. I quit planning my death about 2 years ago. Death was the only thing that I thought about for 3 years straight and then one day I realized that it probably wouldn't matter if I was dead or alive.
It's unbelievable what not eating can do to you. I always eat enough to get through the day but I've found that I haven't had an appetite for a while now.
My clavicle is the worst. It's almost poking out of the skin at this point. I run my hand down my naked, non existent chest and gently find my hip bones. They aren't too hard to find anymore. I was never a big girl, I've always been small but this is almost too much to handle. No wonder I never look in the mirror anymore.
I need to make a note to eat a little bit more even if I'm not hungry. It's too easy just to ignore my stomach.
Charlie has told me since the day that Renee left that I'll never live up to her.
I'll never be as beautiful.
I'll never be able to take care of him the way she did. Not with my cooking. Not with my cleaning and certainly not with love.
All love disappeared the day she did. Charlie just had to keep up the façade of being Forks' wonderful and beloved Police Chief. No one knew the truth. They didn't want to and if they did, they just ignored the signs.
Enough of this, I grabbed my towel and threw it over the shower rod and leaned in to turn the water on as hot as it would possibly get. I found that if I felt the pain of the burning water, I'm able to forget about the pain that resides in my chest where my heart used to be. It wasn't that I didn't have a heart. It just shriveled up and died over the past few years.
I've tried many ways to create that euphoria of having the pain in my chest absent. At 15 I started cutting. I pass out at the smell of blood, let alone the sight, so that didn't last long. I have to say, though, it was the quickest way to forgetting everything else shitty in my life.
I quit eating for awhile until I started passing out just walking from the couch to the bathroom. I couldn't quite hide my eating habits as well as I could other things, so that tactic was thrown to the wayside, too.
Lately I've turned to my journal. I write down random thoughts throughout the day and the damn thing does not leave my side. If anyone knew about these, Charlie, he'd be surprised to find 8 more of them on the top most shelving in my closet. I have to use a chair to get up there to put another finished notebook on top. I've never read any of the things that I've written and I really don't think I want to. I just know that they seem to have helped getting through the terrible days at school.
Blinking quickly I am shaken from the inside of my mind by the freezing water that's now coming from my showerhead. Carefully I make my way out of the shower making sure that I don't slip and fall. Unfortunately for me and the medics that had to come to my rescue, it's happened before. That's probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life lying naked on the bathroom floor with a fractured wrist from my fall.
Drying off and changing clothes happened in a blur. I checked my hair once more in the mirror to make sure that I had a hiding place if I need it. Glancing at the clock I realized that I'm later than usual and made my way down the stairs. Now normally I wouldn't be running down the stairs but for some reason I wasn't thinking this morning. I tripped with two stairs left and down I went.
After making sure that nothing was broken or bruised too badly I got up and ran towards the door. Looking around I realized that Charlie must have had a rough night. There were beer cans left everywhere. I grabbed the trash can and started rounding up the empty cans. I didn't need him to be angry with me about anything else. It's not as if he really physically hurts me, it's just that he knows how to get to me other ways.
Remembering quickly I ran over to the fridge and take the money that Charlie had left for the grocery list. I'm lucky he had thought to add any more to the grocery funds. It was getting low the last time I had to go shopping. I grabbed my keys out of the bowl on the table back by the door and headed out towards my old, rusted, beat up truck. It's probably seen better days, but like me it has character. Or at least that's how I like to view her. Yes it's a her.
Since the weather's been getting a bit colder already this year, well it is November in Forks, the old girl has been having some troubles starting up. I guess I'm going to have to take her to the reservation to get Jake to look at her. Then I'll have to sit and listen to him try and make friendly conversation with the Chief's only daughter since our dad's are best friends and all.
After waking up the entire neighborhood with our back fire, I'm finally heading down the road towards my second hell.
Finding a parking spot isn't all that hard here. I mean, there aren't too many students to begin with and no one wants to park next to "Crazy" Bella. After pulling into the last parking spot in the back row as far away from people as I could find I pull out my Ipod and start my trek into school.
It's easy to sort of blend into the scenery when people think that you don't speak at all. It's gotten to the point that the teachers no longer call on me for answers. It doesn't bother me too much, I've gotten pretty used to it. I don't remember when I just quit talking to people here. I'm a senior this year and I think the last time I spoke to someone willingly in my class was when I was a freshman.
I still have straight A's and well a C in gym. I never said I was athletic or truly cared about that at all. I have good enough grades to get me out of this town and that's all that matters at this point.
"There she is in that fuck ugly flannel again. I hear that she doesn't have any money since her daddy has spent it all on booze. No wonder she looks like she wears the same thing everyday. Fucking pathetic is what that is." I hear it. I hear Lauren whispering to all of her friends. She knows I heard her this time, too.
I hide behind my wall of hair as I make my way to grab some books out of my locker. I try and get everything that I can so I don't have to come back here in between classes, less time for me to have to listen to Lauren and her cronies bitch and moan about everything.
"Hey Bella. Did you have a good weekend?" I hear Mike Newton calling out to me.
I pretend to not hear him and keep walking to my first class, English Lit. I have to say it is probably my favorite because of all of the reading that we have to do. It gives me an excuse for being quiet.
"I don't know why you even bother, Mike. She's just a crazy bitch who doesn't talk. I can't believe you even still try." Lauren sneers while she is talking to Mike about my departure.
I notice Mike shrug his shoulders and a frown comes into place. I'm not sure why he tries anymore, either. He's always tried to be really nice to me or I think he's trying. Needless to say he's one of the only ones who've never given up on me. That includes Charlie in this mess. He gave up on me years ago.
What would it hurt to smile at Mike one day? Although being like a little lost puppy anyway, it might just make him worse and give him the idea to keep trying to talk to me.
Mike had asked me out our entire freshman year. He never shied away from the things that people said about me. Every time he asked I had to turn him down, though. I mean, how could someone like him ever really want anything to do with me. I just figured he was pulling a trick on me, fucking with me or something and I would end up hurt again in the long run. I realize now that he was probably serious since he hasn't given up on talking to me. I even sat at his table at lunch. Now that's over and I don't generally make my way into the lunch room. I try and go hide out in the back of the library with the apple that I've brought from home.
My first few classes were uneventful, just how I preferred them. It was like a dream just floating through the first part of my day. Unfortunately that all ended by lunch. I had forgotten my apple so I thought I could sneak into the cafeteria before everyone else did and grab a piece of fruit. The gods truly had it out for me today.
Much to my surprise Lauren and her unlucky cronies were waiting just inside the doors.
"What's wrong Swan? Realizing that starving yourself isn't going to get you anymore attention and deciding to eat for once today? As if anyone pays you any mind anyways." Lauren said as her girls snickered beside her.
I tried to side step them all up to the counter. At this point I didn't care what I grabbed I just knew I wouldn't make it through the day without a little something. I had completely forgotten to grab something for breakfast. Again.
As I moved to the left Lauren stepped forward and stuck her foot out a little too far. Okay, to be honest she tripped me on purpose. I wasn't quick enough to catch myself so I landed flat on my face, spread eagled on the ground. Before I could get up half of the student population were making their way through the cafeteria door.
All I could concentrate on were the snickers and laughter of everyone who entered until I heard someone say "Oh Bella" under their breath.
I rose up to try and push myself off of the ground and saw a hand coming towards my face. I flinched back before I realized it was just Angela Webber reaching down to help me up. Just like Mike, Angela never waivered and always tried to remain on friendly terms with me.
I wish I could let them back in. I've spent too many years trying to become invisible and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to open up to anyone again. It's less painful to live this way. No one can hurt you other than yourself.
Making sure that I wasn't hurt anywhere, since it was the second time I had fallen today, I dusted my pants off and felt like turning around and smiling at Lauren. I wouldn't let her get to me, I couldn't. I'm afraid that one day I may end up killing the girl. I've never hurt anyone physically but I'm not too sure how much longer I can hold back with her.
I hurried up to the counter with my applesauce and was thinking about heading to the library to write. Some days I would write about what it would be like to be normal. I know I'll never be normal, but there were days I believed it would be easier. Some days I would just put my thoughts down to paper and others I would just draw. I'm not a very good artist but somehow it calmed me down.
I used to suffer from anxiety attacks and when I had one too many at school, the nurse decided to give old dad a call to see if he knew what was going on. She had told him that he needed to get me to the doctor and on medication or they would only get worse. That night Charlie made it worse. It was one of the most terrible nights that I can remember with his drinking and he made sure that I knew that no one could find out what I went through at home. Guilty conscience, huh? I was on Google two hours later trying to find ways to deal with them "naturally". I have finally perfected the art of getting through a panic attack myself.
In the library the librarian waved as I slumped by. I just nodded my head. She had also gotten used to the silent treatment. There weren't many times in life that I spoke except for at home when Charlie demanded that I did. I talked to Jake and Billy at the rez if I had to, but that was about it.
I found my seat in the back and sat into the chair. This was my peaceful place. I could come here and not worry about someone trying to do something to me behind my back. They wouldn't dare make an appearance in the library if they didn't have to.
I dove into my journal writing about nonsense and what I would do to Lauren if I could. Before I realized it, time had passed by and I was almost late for my next class. Thankfully Gym was the last class of the day. I could only handle so much teasing after that.
After what felt like forever, I slowly walked out to my truck. I liked to wait until everyone had left school grounds or had gone to wherever they were going for practices and such. The less people around to hear me fire up my truck, the better. I guess they still hadn't gotten used to the backfires over the past 2 years.
I didn't want to go home because I never knew what I was going home to. Charlie would sometimes be there, but often he wasn't. When he was home, he was drunk. I could only pray that I could catch him in a good mood before I searched out for solace in my room.
Today I had to go to the grocery if Charlie wanted anything for dinner. He always leaves money in a bowl right beside the fridge for me to use and I had actually remembered to grab it this morning. If it weren't for me there would never be food in the house other than take out and I don't know if he would even remember to do that for himself some nights.
I pulled into the Shop N' Go, basically a high class convenience store and dug for my list out of my purse. I shouldn't have to get much today. Just the basics and I wanted to fix Lasagna sometime this week. I know we had enough fish in the freezer to last a life time and I had meant to look at different ways to cook it. I mean, one person can only eat so much fried fish. I had tried baked and Charlie had gone ape shit by throwing it halfway across the room. I never did that again. I do know that there are other things you can do with fried fish. Maybe fish tacos? I wonder if he would go for that.
Taking the cart and heading down the aisles I realized that there weren't too many people in the store today. That's always a good thing because the less I had to speak to them, the better. It would be too easy to hide behind my hair and head the other direction. The same women who would make their comments around me when I was 5 were still around and always tried to kiss my ass to find out how things were going at home.
Like I would ever tell them the truth.
Like I would tell them their beloved Police Chief was a fraud.
I checked my watch and noticed that Charlie would be home in about two hours if he wasn't there already. I was almost done. Before I could turn the corner I heard, "Bella, Bella Swan?"
I didn't know who the voice belonged to but I tried to run. Well not really run, more like hurry my ass up to get completely around the corner from her.
"Isabella Swan! You better turn around and speak to me young lady." The voice said again.
Shit, I turned around and noticed that the voice belonged to Mrs. Cope, the nice old lady who was our secretary at school. I gave her a brief nod and wave and she just kept heading towards me.
"What are you doing here by yourself, dear? Are you cooking for your dad tonight?" she asked.
Well shit. She asked questions that couldn't be answered with just a nod of my head. Guess I better get it over with and just answer the lady.
"Yes, mam." I answered quietly as I tried to cover my eyes with my hair.
We stood there awkwardly for what seemed like minutes and so I just bit the bullet and told her that I had to hurry home to get this fixed for Charlie and that it was good to see her.
"Make sure you tell your dear father that I said hello and that I miss seeing him. I know he's been so lonely through the years, you just hate for bad things to happen to good people." She said.
I held back the eye roll that was dying to make its debut at her statement but I just nonchalantly waved back to her as I walked away. Thank god that was over quickly, I'm not sure how much more I could have said to her anyway.
Thankfully there was no line at the counter and I was on my way home in a matter of minutes. Pulling into the drive I notice the cruiser isn't there so this is a good sign. I still have time to put together dinner for Charlie and time to head on up to my room. Not that he'd notice that I wasn't eating dinner with him, but if his dinner was missing all hell would break loose throughout the house.
Cooking is cathartic to me. Unfortunately, my appetite is usually lacking and I'm able to just eat the small bites of food that I sample throughout the cooking process. I've always found something soothing and calming during the act of creating a meal. I really love to bake but I haven't had the chance to in awhile. Plus I really like to just make Charlie's food, leave it for him to eat and head to my room so that I don't have to hear him tell me one more time that I'll never cook like Renee.
That I'll never be as beautiful as Renee.
I'll never have his love like Renee.
I'll never be Renee.
I've grown to be completely fine with the idea that I'll never be special to Charlie no matter what I do so I find myself doing just enough to get by without having to live through the onslaught of verbal attacks when he's drunk and in a foul mood. Did I mention that's about every night? Yeah, well sometimes I'm lucky enough for him to pass out on the couch and never make his way upstairs.
Tonight is no different. I place his slice of lasagna and bread into the microwave so that he can heat it up when he comes in. I make sure that he has plenty of cold beer in the fridge and grab a bottle of water as I make my way upstairs. I'm careful of my steps so that I don't trip going up them. Believe me, it is possible and I've done it many times before.
There is a sense of peace as I enter my room. It is my sanctuary, but it's so much more to me. I'm safe in here from Charlie and from the outside world. I don't have to talk if I don't want to. I can be myself in here and not have to worry about the girls who think it's their business what I do and how I do it. I've found that if I place my dresser in front of my door to protect myself from drunk Charlie that I sleep much more sound than if I don't. He seldom makes it up the steps to his room but when he does I'm usually jerked awake at 3 a.m. while he is yelling and screaming at me about something. He's never truly hurt me physically. It's all of the venom that spews from his drunken stupors that make me realize how insignificant in this world that I am.
I hear him come in and he slams his gun belt to the wall and removes his shoes. Quietly I walk to my door to see if I can hear whether or not it's going to be a good night or not. Thankfully I hear the microwave turn on and a beer can being opened. I slink over and push my chair in front of my door this time. It hooks right up under the doorknob and pushes against the foot of my bed. Hopefully he won't come busting in here tonight but I am so tired that I have to get some sleep or I won't be able to function tomorrow. Not that it matters how I function, I just know that I need to graduate to get the hell out of this place. If I don't sleep, then I don't do well and yeah, that will lead to being stuck here a little bit longer.
As I set my alarm clock and change into my sleep pants and tank, there's a feeling that washes over me that I can't explain. I walk over to my window to make sure that it's locked and that's when I realize I feel as if someone is watching me. Shaking my head to get those crazy thoughts to vanish I turn towards my bed and trip over my bag that I left lying on the floor. I catch myself with my left hand and my wrist aches and burns and I stifle a sob because son of a bitch, no matter how many times I've done this it still hurts.
I lay quietly on the floor until I make sure that Charlie is making no move to come up here. It's not like he'd be checking on me anyway. I'm sure he'd just yell for me to keep it down or some shit like that. Slowly I pull myself up onto my bed and tell myself that I'll grab so pain reliever in the morning.
"Tomorrow has to be a better day." I mutter to no one in particular.
That feeling of being watched has slipped with me into slumber. I find that sleeping tonight no matter what will not be a problem even with a faceless someone lingering in my dreams.
Let me know what you think. Love it, hate it or really don't care. Thanks for reading!
Jen