Okay.. all of my readers ROCK! 11 comments? Seriously? I owe you all a hug.. but I figured another update would suffice. This update.. it might sort of require a box of tissues.. because well.. it's sad. This is kind of a heart breaking update. But I found it completely necessary. They needed to have this talk.. and all I have to say is, if Shonda ever were to write a scene like this for Meredith and Derek I think Emmys would have been headed Ellen and Patrick's way..
Furthermore.. read/love/cry... and comment? Let me know what you think.. This update took a lot of work to write and edit so comments would make my day! Thanks guys!
Maddie
IMPORTANT NOTE: Italics are flashbacks. Bolded are song lyrics to "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol. I highly recommend listening to it while reading this update. You can listen to it on youtube!
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy and this update proves it because in this update Meredith and Derek have a talk. A real heartbreaking talk.. something that has yet to happen on Grey's. Therefore, I do not own it. (43 days people!)
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PART TWO
This was stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Complete stupidity. He was out. He was out at a smelly diner with a women. A nice, pretty, possibly gorgeous women but this was stupid. Because as the young lady talked he simply couldn't listen because this was stupid.
Why had he asked her out? Good one Derek, ask the hot nurse out after you break up with the love of your life. I'm stupid. Im completely stupid.
"...and then I said well there has to be an easier way.. Derek, Derek are you okay?"
He suddenly woke up from his day dreaming. "Oh yeah sorry, just.. no yeah I'm okay." Great now I'm rambling.
Suddenly Derek's pager went off. He looked down at it.
SWITCH BATTERY.
He thought about one of two possibilities.
1. He could ignore it and change it later.
2. Or he could pretend it was a real page and leave.
"Sorry Rose I gotta go. There's a patient I believe I still have to check on."
"Ok." she sighed."Maybe you could come back after?" she said smiling.
"Ok. Yeah I'll try.."
It was now 7:30 as Derek walked out to the parking lot to get in his car. He jumped in. He didnt need to go to the hospital. Instead he went to the first place he could instantly think of..
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Derek was leaning.. he was leaning.. doing his Derek thing.. again. He was leaning on the door by the kitchen as Meredith did the dishes.
"So are we going to talk about this?" he asked.
She stared at him, remembering everything Cristina had reminded her of. Yeah they were going to talk.. a long talk.. probably a fight that involved yelling and screaming and crying.. but she had to get through this. She had to get over Derek Shepherd and move on. Because like he said he couldn't do it anymore. And well, neither could she.
"Sit down." she said sternly.
"What?"
"You are leaning. I dont like it. So sit. Sit down!" she yelled pointing at the seat across the table.
She then continued washing the dishes slowly and turned around. She didn't want to look at him. Because if she did he'd do that stupid McDreamy grin and she couldn't deal with that anymore. She couldn't remember how much happiness he had brought into her life. How madly in love she fell for him...
She finally decided to be brave after a few seconds. She put the bowl down and turned around and looked at him as she placed both her elbows on the countertop.
"I dont even know what to say." she said sadly.
Derek sat there thinking the same thing.
"You said you'd wait for me." she stated simply.
I want to marry you.
I want to have kids with you.
I want to build us a house and grow old with you.
I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms.
I dont want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime.
"I know I did," he said, "but then it got to the point where I felt like you'd never be ready."
I'm not ready now but I'll get ready. I'll get ready.
I'll wait. I'll wait until you're ready.
"I said I'd try. Didn't you hear me I said I'd get ready.. and then you kissed her."
"But didn't you hear what I said? I said I'd wait but if someone else came into the picture.. that I didn't know what I'd do."
Yeah but what happens if while I'm waiting, I meet someone who is ready to give me what I want from you?
What if you do?
I don't know.
Silence. Meredith and Derek stayed there in silence for a few seconds.
"What did you mean?"
"What?" she questioned.
You could be happy and I won't know
"..when you said you were in love with me but I was married. What did you mean?" he asked sadly.
I was in love with you. You didn't tell me you were married.. You didn't tell me about your nurse.. You want to know why I'm not ready to build a house with you, this is why because I cannot trust you!
Meredith sighed.
"Do you not love me anymore?" he said looking up at her.
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
From now on, you can expect, I'm going to show up.. I'll always show up.
"No Derek, I do love you, I just.. when I met you, I had fallen.. extremely fallen in love with you. I thought you wouldn't leave me, that you'd always be there. I trusted you, and then one day your wife showed up!"she said, "and then I had to watch for months you and her all happy and trying and crap and I just completely lost faith in you."
That's it. That's all you get to know for now. The rest you're just going to have to rely on faith.
"..and you never got over it." he said bluntly.
"I guess, no I didn't. It sort of changed everything. How I felt about you. I didn't think I could ever let you back in. And then Finn came and he was nice and sweet but I knew I'd never get over you.-"
"Me too Mer. I knew the whole time with Addie, I knew it was stupid. And look I just was out with Rose and I felt nothing because I couldn't stop thinking about yo-"
"Wait," she said stepping back, "you and the nurse went out?"
Crap. "Yeah but it was just-"
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Stupid Meredith. He doesn't change. He doesn't want you he just wants someone. "So you break up with me and run to her just like that? Just like that after you break up with me, the supposed, 'love of your life'?"
"Mer I was just confused. I didnt know what you wanted anymore."
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
"No Derek. That's no excuse. How do you do that? Run from me to her. Someone you barely know. You just want someone Derek.. you never wanted me."
You dont want me. You want someone. Someone who wants the same things you want.
"No that's not true. I wanted it all with you and only you. I still only want it with you. The house.. the kids.. I want it all with you." he replied honestly.
This is the happily ever after part. I am your knight in shining armor.
"Sometimes there's not a 'happily ever after part' Derek! What about what I want?"
"You dont want that with me?"
Is it too late to remind you how we were
"I did, I did want it!" she yelled, tears beginning to fall, "But I just can't do this anymore. And the house Derek? Seriously?"
"Seriously what? I wanted to take the next step with you."
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
"Do you remember what I told you?"
I don't want you to date other people. It may not be enough for you but I dont want you dating anybody but me.. except, I'm scared as hell to want you. But here I am, wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose right? And I don't want to lose you.
"I said I wanted us to date again. Not get married, have kids or get a house already! And you know what's sad Derek? I would've been ready, but you couldn't have waited a couple weeks to bring the house up. You had to do it the next day?" she cried softly.
Most of what I remember makes me sure
He hadn't thought of it like that. He figured she'd want it all. That the house would make her happy. "I just thought.. you'd want it. And when you didn't it felt like we really weren't together."
"And why wouldn't you tell me you kissed her?" she began to argue again, "You should have told me!"
"We weren't together!" he yelled getting up from his seat, "I kissed her before all those things you said."
"I don't care about the kiss! I care that you didn't tell me! You should have told me! I would've told you!"
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
"Woah woah, you didn't tell me about Finn!" he stammered, trying to argue back.
"That was completely different! You were married.. we weren't getting back together and I didn't do anything with him. I didn't have sex with him.. I never had sex with him! I know you saw me walking down from his stairs but I took a shower there because I helped him birth a horse."
"Alright this isn't even about Finn," he said moving towards her, "this is about us. Are you ever going to be ready for you and me?"
"Derek why the hell is it always my fault? I said I needed time. I gave you time to choose between me and Addison. You gave me time to choose between you and Finn and you walked away. Then I told you I broke up with Finn and you walked away saying you needed time so I gave it to you. Now I need time and you can't wait? You just need to move on?"
"Wait.. needing time.. walking away.." he rambled, "you walked away from me.. The ferry boat, your dad slapping you, the wedding.. you left me Mer."
You could be happy, I hope you are
"I was embarrassed when my dad slapped me! The ferry boat thing.. I swam but I gave up. Derek I was happy! I was getting over everything from our past and then my mother just woke up and reversed all of my improvements..
What happened to you?
Your happy? Your happy now?
The meredith I knew, was focused.. a fighter.. You've gone soft!
Stammering about a boyfriend and saying you're waiting to be inspired! Are you kidding me?
...Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy but not everyone can pick up a scalpal and save a life! I raised you to be an extraodinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after 5 years and discover you're no more then ordinary!
What happened to you?
"I just thought maybe I wouldn't be enough for you."
"Mer you were always enough for me." he said smiling, his eyes watering.
You made me happier than I'd been by far
"And then at the wedding.."
If you're not in this, if you don't see a future for us.. then please just end it. Because I can't.. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery.
"...you told me to put you out of your misery." she said as she cried. Derek leaned into hug her but she pushed him away. "No and I tried to end it, but you just had to do the stupid break up kiss and sex thing when we should have ended it." she sighed.
"No Mer.." he said softly. "I want you. I chose you. I pick you and I love you! I gave up chief for you. You are my dream now."
Somehow everything I own smells of you
"You turned down chief for me?" she said with anger trying to hide her happiness. She never thought he'd do that for her. "You shouldn't have done that. That's your job and you'll get it back. Derek I can't.. I can't do it anymore, it's over. For real this time."
"No! No Mer, it's not over." he said firmly. "We were suppose to be together!"
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
"Exactly. We were. But not anymore."
"Im not giving up." he said quickly. "So you can pretend to end it but I'm not leaving you. I love you and I want a future with you.
Do the things that you always wanted to
Suddenly thoughts came to Meredith's head. And the words that flew out of her mouth next, she hadn't expected to say. In fact it was all a lie but she had to end it. Because this, this was misery. Standing there yelling at him. At this point she was putting herself out of misery.
"Derek.. I'm going to make this easy for you.." she said as she felt more tears spring into her eyes.." I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids," something in her voice cracked as she tried to continue on.. "I don't want the house, or the dog or the freaking white picket fence, I don't want any of it."
Derek's expression changed from hurt to panic.. She was really giving up. "No Meredith you don't mean that, I know you and you don't mean it! You want it, I know you do!" he cried.
But Meredith continued ignoring his comments.. "So you should be with someone who wants it.. who wants it all. Someone like Rose." She headed to her front door and opened it for him. "Please go."
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
"Meredith please.."
"No Derek leave," she said now sobbing. This sucked. She just wanted him to be happy and she couldn't make him happy. Without her he could be happy.
Derek walked out of her house as a few tears dripped down his face. He got in his car and drove away. They were over and maybe she could finally be happy.
More than anything I want to see you, girl
Meredith shut the door and walked into the living room sitting on the couch. Cristina walked down the stairs, having heard all of the conversation. She saw Meredith sitting there blankly looking at the coffee table, looking broken.
"I'm fine." Meredith said sadly, now her voice breaking. "I'm fine." she said trying to convince herself, as the tears continued to flow down her cheeks. "Damn it.."
"Oh Mer." Cristina said making her way to the couch.
Meredith looked up at her, tears dripping down her face. "I'm free."
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world.
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Wow. Writing that was painfully hard because of how sad it was. So it looks like this story is going to be about 8 chapters long.. leave some comments and I'll update ASAP!