"Will you help me get dressed?" I ask as I pull all my slips out of the closet.

"I would be delighted, but what are you going to do with your hair?" John asks as he helps me put on my underskirt layers and my hoop skirts.

"I can do my own hair once in a while. I'll put my hair up into a French twist and hopefully I won't look quite as young as I do with a braided bun when I wear pink. Heaven forbid that Benjamin Disraeli should go easy on me because I appear vulnerable in pink. You'd think he'd be easier on me when I'm grieving than when I'm not." I say as I pull my dress on. I feel John's hands on me as he buttons up my dress and smoothes the skirt.

"You look lovely." John says as he slips his arms around my waist and places his chin on my shoulder. "No wonder Prime Minister Disraeli has fallen in love with you. You are so demure and elegant. I wonder what he'll say when he sees you dressed like this today. I bet he'll be absolutely speechless. You haven't looked this nice in a long time and it's the first time I've seen you truly smile. You smile reaches your eyes for the first time since Albert died. I'm so pleased that you've maintained your confidence."

"The Prime Minister is not in love with me. I think I would know if he loved me." I turn around abruptly causing my skirt to hit John's knees and swirl.

"Oh really? Does the Prime Minister kiss you whenever you're in the same room? Does he flirt with you across the room at parties? Does he dance with you more than once even though he doesn't have to? Do you have to scold him for telling you you're beautiful all the time? He's head over heels for you, Victoria. It's obvious to anyone who sees him when's coming to or going from a meeting with you. You would think he was entering or exiting heaven. You're heaven on earth for him; he thinks you're absolutely spectacular. He sings your praises every single chance he gets. Of course he loves you; you just don't want to admit it to me because he flatters you and you like that he flatters you. It makes you feel good and more like a woman and it makes me feel lucky to know that you picked me over any of the other men you could have picked." John says as I glare sternly at him.

"All right he does do all those things, but that doesn't mean he's in love with me, maybe he just has a crush on me. He can't really love me he doesn't know the real me. You know me and you still love me. Disraeli only knows of my political prowess. I can't believe you think that Benjamin Disraeli loves me; I think he's just an old fool." I say as John and I sit down to breakfast. He'd gotten dressed when we were talking.

"If he has a crush then the rest of the men who follow you around are head over heels in love with you. Your minions and government officials would do anything for you. All you need to do is bat your eyelashes at the men and cry in front of the women or men and you can get what you want." John says as he grins cheekily at me.

"That's not true! They do as I ask because of my title and because they know how bad my temper can be when things aren't done promptly and properly. I certainly don't use my emotions to manipulate people into doing what I want. I've never done that with you have I?" I ask. I hope I'd never done such a thing. It isn't the way I want to do things.

"Not intentionally. When I first came back after Albert died you managed to manipulate my heart fairly well. You were fine until you slopped water down the front of your dress and I said that you must miss him terribly. When you started to cry it nearly broke my heart. I didn't want to make you cry, but I didn't think you were still that sensitive. I felt so horrible; I moped for a couple of days and then decided I would try and help you. I'm ever so glad I did make that decision." John says as he reaches across the table to hold my hand.

"I didn't realize all the trouble I caused with that little incident, but you nearly crushed me. I'd lost my husband, I was young and I never thought I'd be happy again and then you mentioned Albert and I just couldn't take it. The pressure from all the politicians and even the people got to be too much and you just added to it. I cared so much about your opinion and when you noticed that I wasn't coping I broke down. I didn't want you to see my pain; I didn't want anyone to see what I was going through. You were always able to see through my facade and you did again the one time I desperately didn't want you to. I looked at you when you came back and I fell in love with you and I was angry with myself." I look deep into John's eyes as I speak.

"You never told me. You never told me any of this. I wish you had told me it would have perhaps made me less concerned." John says very quietly.

"I couldn't have told you. My emotions were all over the place and I wasn't sure if I was replacing Albert with you and if was I knew that wouldn't be fair to you. I just wanted my life to feel normal again, so I thought, and with you back it felt more normal, but then I realized I didn't want life to feel normal. I realized that life was never going to be the same and even you, Albert's favourite servant, couldn't help me feel normal. I had to be willing to help myself and I wasn't at that point yet. I needed to heal me heart before I tried to figure out if I was actually in love with you. I think you know the answer now." I say cheekily as I run my foot up and down John's calf under the table.

"I do indeed know the answer now and I am thrilled that that was the answer. If it wasn't I would have been crushed. You and I spent so much time together after Albert died and I was worried that I was pushing you too hard too early. I had to learn when to and when not to push you. I had to remember that you're an independent woman with independent thoughts and plans. I wanted to move things along and I had to continually remind myself that I had to allow you to take the lead; that I must not be too forward. I found it very difficult." John says sweetly as he looks directly into my eyes.

"I could sense that you wanted something to happen and that's why I created that situation when we went riding. I wanted you to make the first move; I didn't want to appear too forward or desperate. We were spending so much time together and that moment in the woods was glorious. I suppose I'd best head to my office and meet Prime Minister Disraeli." I say as I stand and begin to walk away.