Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight
As Bella walked into the sunlight, the rays reflected off her alabaster skin and made her dark brown hair shimmer with a beautiful auburn tint. She took my breath away. Trepidation kept me from walking into the light. What would she think of me when she saw my skin. Would she think me even more of a freak than I already was? I don't want her to be scared, but then again I do. Curse my selfish heart for not being able to leave this most precious of souls alone. The monster laughed quietly from deep inside. I quickly shut him up, willing him deeper into his cage.
As Bella drank in the sight of the flowers all around, I watched her. She looked for me, then, finding me hiding like a thief in the forest. She took a step towards me, inviting me out into the sun with her hand. She took another step, and I motioned for her to stop. Her heart was pounding, and her breathing picked up. I closed my eyes and took a deep, ragged breath.
I stepped out into the golden rays of the late-morning sun and waited for her response. She gasped and stared at me. I looked deep into her eyes, waiting for the screaming, the running. But, as always, Bella startled me with her responses. She smiled wide and sighed.
"You're beautiful," she said simply. I smiled in spite of myself. I should have known she would not be frightened of my glittering skin.
I lay down on the meadow floor, enjoying the radiant heat I no longer could make. I hadn't been to the meadow in almost two weeks and I missed it. It's funny how you can become so attached to a physical location. How such locations could bring back strong memories and a flood of feelings. I knew this place would forever remind me of Bella from now on, no matter what happened today, the meadow now belonged to both of us.
I relaxed and let my thoughts drift as Bella stared at me with wanting in her eyes. Oh, how I wished I could hear her thoughts. It would forever frustrate me that her mind was closed. She sighed and continued to ponder my skin. I could hear her blood pulse, her heart beat. Her scent was even stronger in the sun and the slight breeze was blowing it towards me, encompassing me with her essence. My throat ached for her blood. I could taste it on my tongue. The monster whispered unconscionable thoughts to me….thoughts that made me angry with myself for thinking them. I distracted myself from the closeness of her blood, and her body, by humming the composition I was working on for her.
"What are you saying?" Bella asked
"Oh, I'm just singing to myself" I replied. I hoped she couldn't hear the edge in my voice.
She reached out then, with a slightly shaky hand, and touched my hand with one finger, and the sensations were indescribable. She traced the outlines of my veins, my marble hard muscles, my fingertips. The softest of touches sent a new kind of fire through my body. Though I was struggling with the smell of her, this new warmth was something entirely different. I could feel the heat from her hand racing up my arm and thru my chest. It was getting hard to control my thoughts about her warm, soft body so close to mine. I struggled for control as I looked at her with a longing in my eyes.
"I don't scare you?" I asked, hoping for the answer I didn't want to hear.
"No more than usual," she said. My stone heart was joyful, and unbearably sad, at the sound of her truthfulness. Her eyes gave no hint of lie. She continued to stroke my arm, becoming braver with her touches of my ice cold skin.
"Do you mind?," she asked me.
"No, you can't imagine how that feels," I answered, and lost myself to the sensations her electric touch sent thru my whole being. I have never felt something so strong, so tantalizing, so lovely as her soft fingers slowly stroking my arm. I took in a deep breath and wallowed in the burn it caused. I cannot hurt her. I will not hurt her. The monster waited, patiently.
She was trying to turn my hand over. I turned it for her, a little too fast, her startled heart skipped a beat, but she recovered quickly. "Sorry, it's too easy to be myself with you."
"Tell me what your thinking. It's still so strange for me, not knowing" I looked deep into her eyes, willing her thoughts to come to me, probing the silence that confounded me.
"You know the rest of us feel that way all the time" she teased.
"It's a hard life," I said, with a bottomless sadness. "But you didn't tell me"
"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking," she was quiet again.
Her silence was more than I could take. "And?" I said, impatiently.
"I was wishing that I could believe you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid" She kept her eyes steadily on my arm, afraid to show me the truth of her emotions in her eyes.
"I don't want you to be afraid" I was telling her the truth, and lying at the same time.
"Well that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about"
I sat up quickly and looked deep into her eyes, holding her warm, soft hand in mine. She was speaking in riddles and I needed to see the truth of what she was feeling in her beautiful brown eyes. I was very close to Bella, using the full power of my gaze to extract the answer from her.
"What are you afraid of, then?" I desperately needed to know her thoughts.
As always, Bella never reacted as she should. Most humans were too afraid to be in such a close proximity to my kind. Bella never seemed to be bothered with the unspoken fear the other humans naturally felt. As my breath washed over her face, she leaned in, taking a deep breath.
A multitude of emotions and scents bombarded me all at once. Her blood, her heartbeat, her soft, beautiful lips parted ever so slightly. The monster was out of his cage, raging, wanting her, taunting me with the flavor of her scent I knew would taste so good. My mouth filled with venom at the thought of her taste.
I was gone before she finished the intake of air.
"I'm..sorry..Edward" she said in a whisper. The pain in her voice was unbearable.
I had almost hurt her. The agony I felt was unrelenting and all encompassing. I watched her face as the shock slowly faded; replaced by sadness. My still heart ached to comfort her. The monster was angry. But that is not what unsettled me the most. I knew why I could never hurt her, never taste her blood, never let the monster out again. I made up my mind up, right then. I was stronger than the monster. My love for her had baptized me of the need for her blood. I banished the monster into a lake of fire. He would not tempt me again.
"Give me a moment" I took my time regaining my composure. I walked towards her, in a slow human pace, and sat down. Several feet still separated us, an ocean of anguish between us. My beloved Bella. I watched her as she watched me. A wave of fear crept into her perfect features. She understood what I was, finally, and the realization was beginning to sink in.
"I am so very sorry. Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"
I could smell the adrenaline pulsing thru her veins. I had frightened her, and the core of my being grieved with the knowledge.
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" I said in a derisive tone. "Everything about me invites you in—my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" I was finally free. I was no longer tortured by my obsessive need for her blood. I had battled the beast of my nature and won. I ran around the meadow, in the blink of an eye. The feeling of freedom surged in my dry veins.
"As if you could outrun me" My bitter laugh filled the silence of the meadow. Suddenly, I grabbed a tree branch and broke it in half, needing to release the energy building within me. Bella's wide eyes brought me back to my senses, showing the depth of her fear of me. A cold dread wound it's way around my spine, and I was instantly remorseful.
I crossed over to her, in less than a second, and stood watching her, listening to her haggard breaths. I wanted her to be afraid of me, and had accomplished my goal. I regretted ever wanting her to fear me, my beloved Bella.
"As if you could fight me off"
She sat stiffly, barely shaking her head in response to me.
"Don't be afraid…I promise…I swear not to hurt you". I never wanted to see that look in her eyes again. I had conquered the monster in me, and there was nothing left for her fear. I was free to love her, and she me.
"Don't be afraid" I moved ever so slowly towards her. She watched my every move with cautious eyes. I had acted reprehensibly. I had no excuse for my conduct, and needed to make amends.
"Please forgive me. I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now" Bella regarded me with cautious eyes. She was still afraid.
"I'm not thirsty today, honestly" I winked at her, gave her my most gentle smile, and found her weakness. She laughed, a shaky, unreliable laugh, but a laugh none the less.
"Are you alright" I asked. The fear was less, but I could see she was shaken to the core by my actions. I slowly, tenderly, placed my hand back in hers. I needed to feel her heat, needed her to accept me for what I was, totally and completely. Her soft hand sent those same electric pulses thru my arm. I concentrated on them, reprimanding myself for acting so foolishly.
She quietly began to retrace the hard planes of my forearm. I breathed softly, thankful to God for her existence.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I was repentant for my earlier behavior, and she softened ever so slightly.
"I honestly can't remember"
"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason"
"Oh right" she was stalling.
"Well?" The seconds ticked by as my annoyance grew.
"How easily frustrated I am" I will never be free of the irritation her silent mind afforded me.
"I was afraid…because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you, and I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She averted her eyes, not allowing me to see the depth of her truth.
"Yes, that is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest" I was agreeing with her, even though I knew I could not leave her. She needed to know the truth about how I felt before this afternoon. Leaving was no longer an option for me now; I was bound by the chains of my love for her.
"I should have left a long time ago…I should leave now. But I don't know if I can." It hurt me to say these things out loud, but she needed to hear them; I had nothing left to hide from her; I would be an open book for her to read at her leisure.
"I don't want you to leave" she mumbled.
Oh, what pain and joy her sudden plea caused me. I took in her floral scent, relishing the burn, as I spoke.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should"
"I'm glad" A tiny smile played on the edge of her lips.
"Don't be!" I was harsher than I meant to be. After my performance earlier, I thought she understood the deep danger she was in just by being around me. The monster was gone, but I was not going to delude myself into thinking I could control my need for her blood. Her blood would always tempt me.
"It's not only your company that I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else" The hate I felt for myself was unfathomable. I had not taken a human's life in more than 70 years, and Bella was willingly giving herself to me. Giving me her trust and her faith in my abilities.
"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean—by that last part anyway" A small crease formed between her eyebrows.
"How do I explain, and without frightening you again…hmmmm" I very gently, with slow, controlled movements, put my frigid hand into the cradle of hers. The heat from her body shot up my arm, sending waves of pleasure throughout my body.
"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." She watched me patiently as I assembled my explanation. I took a deep breath, tasting her essence in the air, welcoming the white-hot pain it caused. As I savored the flavor of her, I began to explain how our kind react to human blood, wondering, absurdly, if she could ever truly comprehend the depth of longing we vampires warred with on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis.
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?" She nodded, wanting to be the good and attentive student.
"Sorry about the food analogy—I couldn't think of another way to explain" The stupidity of my example was unconscionable. I had frightened Bella enough for one day. I smiled to myself as I began anew with my confession.
"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac—and filled the room with it's warm aroma—how do you think he would fare then?"
We sat very still as she regarded me, and my analogy. She needed to understand the depths of my longing for her blood. I probed the silence of her mind, knowing it was futile, but feeling helpless against my obsessive need to extract her thoughts. I vaguely wished my father, with his limitless wisdom, was here to help me explain. He would need no more than one-tenth of a second to intricately fashion together an explanation she would both understand and accept.
"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead?" A documentary I had watched came to mind. It told the tale of a black-tar heroin addict, and all the disgusting and degrading things she did to score another hit of her poison. The despondency of the tale stayed with me long after the program was over. If anyone could understand the vampire need for blood, it would be this poor soul who had lost everything in her life to purchase another high.
"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" Her beautiful, answering smile warmed my frozen heart. I did not deserve her.
"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."
"Does that happen often?"
Jasper flashed in my mind. He had the same questions when I attempted to explain the insane temptation Bella posed to me. He still couldn't understand my obsession. Jasper's take was all humans tasted alike. He should know; he had tasted more than my whole family put together.
"I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I saw her blanch at my words.
"Sorry." I berated myself again for my stupidity.
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can"
"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever some across someone who was as" I paused, searching the vast recesses of my mind for a word that wouldn't frighten her, "appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."
"And for you?"
"Never"
She considered our conversation for a moment.
"What did Emmett do?"
Images of an innocent woman doing laundry in an apple orchard flooded my mind. The sweet taste of her blood, still a strong memory for Emmett years later, danced on my tongue. Venom filled my mouth in an instant. Anger, and shame, twisted my stone hands into fists. I looked away from her, needing the distraction of the trees to calm the fire burning down my throat.
"I guess I know"
Her wide, beautiful eyes soothed my ragged nerves. The images faded into the background of my mind as I concentrated on her.
"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" What was I saying to her? Could she guess, now, at the constant danger she was in. My subtle warning brought out her anger.
"What are you asking? My permission?" Her anger saddened me to the depths of my questionable soul. My openness regarding Emmett had been a mistake. She worked to regain some control over her emotions, speaking again with caution.
"I mean, is there no hope, then?" Her words were like a dagger to me, splitting me in two. She sighed heavily, searching my eyes for the answers she needed to hear.
"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I had defeated the monster in me; I could control my own desires. Decades of practice, now being put to their fullest test, would shore up my strength against the tide of her scent constantly washing over me. I will not harm her. I cannot.
"It's different for us. Emmett…these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as …practiced, as careful, as he is now." Oh, how to make her understand the depth of Emmett's sadness. He is my dear brother, and I don't want Bella to ever fear him, or to hold his transgression against him.
"So if we'd met…oh, in a dark alley or something…"
"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and—" the remembered anger boiled up; I quickly crushed it, regaining my composure. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
Images of her wide-eyed stare passed through my mind. The first taste of her scent and the wreckage it caused in my carefully constructed human façade. The hate I felt for her that day was completely underserved. She was precious to me now.
"You must have thought I was possessed" I was ashamed, even now, at my unwarranted behavior.
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin…I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow..." I shuddered internally as the memories of that day overwhelmed me with their intensity. I searched Bella's eyes for some sense of relief; that she knew the depth of my sorrow and pain. She quietly watched me, weighing my words in her melting brown eyes.
"You would have come"
"Without a doubt." Understanding and fear colored her words. I wanted to comfort her, hold her in my arms, stroke her hot skin with my frigid fingertips. I was not used to these new human emotions that bombarded me.
"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there—in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there—so easily dealt with." We were both reliving the day. Comprehension flickered across her face, followed by the knowledge of how close she had come to death. I remotely thought of the monster and how he had almost won that day. The raging and longing her blood had awakened in me; my self control hung only by a thread that day, but it had held, and now Bella was here, alive, against all reason, and my joy was a many colored jewel that sparkled in her radiant light.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home—I was to ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong—and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."
The faces of my family flashed in my mind, their confusion and questions were too much for me. I new Alice would explain to them my predicament. She would make them understand the unbearable pain, and temptation, Bella's blood held for me.
"I traded cars with him—he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary. By the next morning I was in Alaska."
"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances…but I was home sick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…"
Bella's total silence was unnerving, it rattled me more than ever to not know what she was thinking. I was confessing everything to her, in a vain attempt to atone for my sins of wanting her death. She waited for me to continue my woeful tale.
"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it.
It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind…her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating"
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions…and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or you hair, and the scent would stun me again…"
"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment—because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'"
Realization hit me then. I loved her as soon as I came back. She had already changed me, and I hadn't recognized it until this moment. The pain of almost loosing her hit me, a wave of panic and loss encompassed me in a fraction of a second. I took in a deep breath, her essence, an assault on my senses, brought me out of my self-imposed torture. Her steady heartbeat, as always, occupied a small portion of my thoughts.
"In the hospital?" she asked in barely a whisper.
"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power—you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." I regretted the words as soon as they left my lips. Her flinch pierced my silent heart.
"But it had the opposite effect, I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time…the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." Alice's vision of an immortal Bella filled my mind. Their arms wrapped around each other in a stone cold embrace. I quickly pushed the image away.
"Esme told me to do whatever I had to do in order to stay. All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair…it hit me as hard as the very first day."
I searched her eyes, looking for any sign of fear or remorse at her decision to be with me, here, and found only a deep curiosity to understand my dilemma.
"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here—with no witnesses and nothing to stop me—I were to hurt you." The pain was almost palpable; could she sense it in the air around us.
"Why?"
"Isabella." Again, I wished for Carlisle's wisdom as I caressed her soft, thick hair. The smell enveloped me and I welcomed it with open arms. Her scent was proof of her humanness, and I desperately needed her to be human, alive. I would prove Alice wrong in this one thing.
"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me. The thought of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses…it would be unendurable. You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
I had laid all my cards on the table, fear bombarded me. What would I do if she changed the way she felt? I had laid out the whole of my thoughts for her to judge, and when she rendered the verdict, I would accept my sentence, even if it meant she no longer wanted me in her life, finally understanding the danger I posed to her.
"You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here…which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you. I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot!" We laughed together, and easy, carefree laugh, and my heart was overjoyed at the sound of her words. I wanted more than anything to be with her, and the confirmation of her love for me sent new waves of adoration and devotion through my body. She had changed me so completely, so totally. I owed her a never ending debt of gratitude for handing me the keys to my self-inflicted prison of hate and loneliness.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…"
"What a stupid lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
I stared through the trees, trying to comprehend the magnitude of our shared profession. Her future as a human was to be my driving force in keeping her alive. I could almost see Alice's vision waver and change as I strengthened my resolve. My decision to keep Bella human was cemented into my dead heart. I would not doom her to this life of mine. I would love her, protect her, watch over her all the days of her long human life. She would always be safe in my presence, safe from me.
"Why?" She startled me out of my thoughts, and then stopped. He silence filled the air like my love for her filled every fiber of my being.
"Yes?" I waited.
"Tell me why you ran from me before."
"You know why" She was repentant for her earlier actions, and the sorrow I felt clouded the sunshine of my jubilant demeanor.
"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example seems to be all right." She stroked my hand with her feather-light touch, sending pulses of electricity up my arm, blossoming into a slow warmth in my stomach. A smile spread across my face as I regarded my angel.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."
Her selflessness and courage touched me deeply. She was very brave, attempting to make me feel at ease, and yet still fearful of angering me, of tempting me. She didn't quite grasp all the ways she tempted me, her blood was but one of many things I craved.
"Well...it was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness…I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." I instantly regretted my words. She was taken aback at my honesty, but quickly recovered to the best of her ability.
"Okay, then. No throat exposure." She attempted to hide her luscious throat from my sight, as if a mere downturn of her chin could stop me. I laughed at the nonsensical gesture.
"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else."
I wanted her to feel at ease with my nature, needed to reassure her of my control. I slowly placed my stone hand on her neck. The warmth was almost unbearable. I could hear the sloshing of blood in her jugular, the strong, and slightly frenzied beat of her heart; I felt the papery thin barrier of her soft, easily torn, skin.
"You see? Perfectly fine." Her blush was a staggering blow to my self-control. Her eyes betrayed her with an unspoken longing I knew all to well in my century on this earth. Her heart rate escalated and the accompanying smell twisted my long empty stomach, curling the useless organs it held within.
"The blush on your cheeks is lovely" The utter pain I felt was clarifying my thoughts, bringing them into focus. I grazed her cheek, feeling the intoxicating heat from her blush, and, ever so gently, cradled her fragile face in my iron grip. I instantly calculated how much pressure would be needed to crush her skull, and kept my hands under absolute control. I measured the depth of her eyes, seeking the thoughts they held hostage from me. The oppressive need to kiss her soft, succulent lips distracted me from the cloying smell her pulsating blood was washing over me.
"Be very still."
The base of her throat called out to me, and I slowly placed my head by the hypnotizing music of her lifeblood. I imagined our future together, and fought against the inevitable outcome of Alice's vision. I counted out the soft beats of her heart as they quickened again, ever so slightly. I immersed myself with as much of her essence as was possible without causing her harm. The pain was exquisite, a white-hot throb of yearning filled my body with the need of her. Very gently, with all the control my 70 years of practice had taught me, I laid my head to rest on the center of my need, her heart itself.
The heart is a curious muscle. It pumps out its life giving blood without pause for decades. It holds the secrets of one's sorrows, one's joys, one's regrets. A long forgotten bit of poetry by Cummings sprang to mind,
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart). I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful, you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
"Ah"
Our fates were forever intertwined. Her heart was now the center of my personal universe. No sound would ever be as beautiful to me as the beating of her heart. The most intricate of concertos palled in comparison. I would not be the cause of it's stopping, no matter what the future held for us. I loved her more deeply now than ever before. She had no need to ever fear me again.
"It won't be so hard again." A peace that passes understanding filled my consciousness. I was free.
"Was that very hard for you?"
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"
"No, it wasn't bad…for me" She was attempting to be funny, and I loved her all the more for it.
"You know what I mean."
"Here, do you feel how warm it is?" I pressed her fragile, hot hand to my slightly warmer cheek. An intensity filled her eyes as her breath caught in her throat. I didn't have long to wait before she spoke her request.
"Don't move"
I instantly obeyed and became a statue. Her silky soft hands moved over my face with the utmost of care. A plethora of sensations rocked thru my body as she traced over my eyes, my nose, my chin. A completely new, and unnerving, heat radiated thru my being, setting every nerve on fire with longing. She was so close, her sweet breath blowing warm waves of torture over me. My lips parted as her fingertips lingered on my mouth, anticipating the succulent taste of her tongue.
Her hands were suddenly gone; the warmth they held left their mark on my skin. I opened my eyes, looking for, and finding, the same yearning in hers. I craved to stroke every inch of her soft body, to kiss her lips, her neck. To caress her with a lover's touch. The passion I felt was almost as unbearable as my desire for her blood.
"I wish…I wish you could feel the complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand."
"Tell me" She was as breathless as I felt.
"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger—the thirst—that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely."
"But…there are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me." My fingers found their way to her lips. I stroked them tenderly, wondering what they would feel like on my stone mouth.
"I may understand that better than you think."
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?" My dim human memories served no purpose when it came to matters of the heart.
"For me? No, never. Never before this." I paused as I considered this. Our situation was new, in more ways than one, for both of us. I held her hands, careful not to break them. I took in a ragged breath and closed my eyes. The wanting I felt was so fresh, so powerful, I didn't know how to react to it. I want to be with her, to love her as only a human can, knowing it would be impossible. I concentrated on her scent, reveling in the burn, trying, without success, to ignore the other scorching need.
"I don't know how to be close to you. I don't know if I can."
She had so much faith in me, in us. It gave me hope for the future, our future. For the first time in decades, I looked forward to the days ahead. I longed to be human, cursing the monstrosity that I was. With an unspoken word, she soothed my fractured soul by placing her head on my chest, listening to my silent heart.
"This is enough"
She is truly my angel. Had I been able to produce tears, they would be flowing down my cold cheeks. My arms automatically encircled her, and I breathed in the pure aroma of her hair.
"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for."
"I have my human instincts—they may be buried deep, but they're there."
We sat together, entwined, as the sunlight faded ever so slowly. I had tempted fate this day with Bella, and I had won. A slow ache began to grow as I contemplated taking her home.
"You have to go." I said softly.
"I thought you couldn't read my mind."
"It's getting clearer." I teased her, knowing she was smiling.
"Can I show you something?" She gave me a wary look, but my excitement wasn't easily squashed.
"Show me what?"
"I'll show you how I travel in the forest." Another look of wariness came over her face, battling against the curiosity simmering underneath. "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." Her heat skipped a beat in time with my smile. I thrilled at the thought of running with her; of feeling her supple body clamped tightly to mine as we sped by blurry trees.
"Will you turn into a bat?"
I laughed at the utter absurdity.
"Like I haven't heard that one before!" The merriment I felt was like a spring rain; it washed away all the uneasiness this monumental day had held for me. I was a new creation because of her.
"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."
"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." Her hesitation endeared her to me. In one swift movement she was pressed against my back, holding on for dear life.
"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack"
"Hah!" She weighed no more than a feather. Swiftly I grabbed her hand, needing the flame of her scent in my throat. I breathed deeply, enjoying the suffering it caused, re-acclimating myself to her floral effusion.
"Easier all the time." There was no lie in my words.
Running was as natural to me as drinking blood, giving me time to think about the beautiful girl slung around me. I was very aware of the way she felt against my stone back, the crush of her soft breasts, the heavy thud of her heart behind them, the slight sway of her hips as I moved noiselessly through the forest. I imagined the way her soft lips felt, the way they would taste. My vampire mind ran thru the various kisses I had seen in movies, remembering the intense passion playing across the screen. Never before have I kissed a human girl, not even before my transformation. I grew excited at the prospect of experiencing this passion, of kissing Bella's full mouth. The fire in my core reignited and grew more fervent.
We reached the edge of the forest, my excitement palpable in the air. I couldn't wait to engage in my next temptation.
"Exhilarating, isn't it?" Her labored breathing was my only answer. "Bella?"
"I think I need to lie down."
"Oh, sorry." Her frail body clung to me, seemingly unable to move. I probed her silent mind, knowing it would accomplish nothing, but doing so regardless.
"I think I need help" She was shaking and her breathing was uncertain. Realization dawned on me as I understood why she hadn't climbed down, motion sickness. I chuckled quietly to myself as I unlatched her from me, enjoying the feel of her in my arms. I could hold her for a century, and never tire. She was no albatross, she was my salvation.
"How do you feel?"
"Dizzy, I think."
"Put your head between your knees." She did as much and breathed quite slowly. The sound mesmerized me in its evenness. I found myself counting off the seconds in between each intake of oxygen. I was acutely aware of the incandescent heat of her body, and of how close I was to her. She was more fragile than a crystal champagne flute, and I would handle her with the proverbial kid gloves.
"I guess that wasn't the best idea."
"No, it was very interesting."
"Hah! You're white as a ghost—no, you're white as me!"
"I think I should have closed my eyes."
"Remember that next time."
"Next time!" She groaned.
I was laughing again, and the feeling of release it gave me was stupendous. I hadn't laughed this much in a century. I thought, perhaps, I had forgotten how to laugh, really laugh, with the whole body. It felt as though I were a floating leaf, the gentle breeze blowing me this way and that. Carefree and unencumbered by the thing I had become. For right now, just this moment, I forgot I was a vampire. I was a man in love with the most beautiful girl ever born to this earth.
With inhuman speed, I was in front of her, my eyes locked onto the pale lids of hers. The need to kiss her superseded all other logical thoughts or arguments.
"Open your eyes, Bella." Her sputtering heart caused me to smile as she drew in a deep breath. I looked into the profound depth of her eyes, devising my plan, determining, intricately, my every move.
"I was thinking, while I was running…"
"About not hitting the trees, I hope."
"Silly Bella. Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."
"Show off"
"No. I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."
I placed one frigid hand on either side of her face. I inhaled deeply, slowly, and celebrated the horrible fire as it burned a pathway of pain down my throat. Very deliberately, and with excruciatingly slow movements, I titled my head slightly to the right, leaning a millimeter closer to her. Our eyes locked in a motionless dance.
I listened to sound of her hammering heart, and it called to me. The river of her blood, flowing faster in accordance with her heart rate, made it agonizingly difficult to enjoy the moment of our first kiss. I locked down my entire body in steel bands of iron will. I formed a mental picture of a cage encircling my body.
Her fragile skin, so soft and warm in my hands, alarmed me with its fever. Holding her face fractured my concentration as I mentally traced the light blue veins visible under her translucent skin. It was time. I leaned in, slowly and softly. I touched my cold lips to the delicate skin of hers.
A multitude of emotions played out in a mere 4.76 seconds, the total length of time our lips touched. An electric pulse rocked thru my core, the aftershocks radiating out to my limbs. The heat from her lips burned worse than the fire in my throat; it seemed the blood they contained was boiling. I was distinctly aware of her body and relived the feeling of her delicate form clutching to me. The sensation playing havoc with the other fire, the human fire, which was now eating its way thru my useless stomach. I attempted to focus on the light breeze as it blew her hair softly, a single strand tickling the outside of my wrist, needing the distraction to restrengthen the steel bands of my self control.
Bella, conversely, had no desire to remain in control of herself. Her body arched towards me, as she sucked in a loud gasp. Her hands found my hair, pulling and tangling together in the heat of passion. Her mouth parted, ever so slightly, and my lips responded in kind. The faintest trace of saliva on her lips rammed my self-constructed iron cage, and tore open the bars. Her sweet taste was pure, unadulterated agony. She tasted as glorious as she smelled, and the last shreds of my control lay in a tangled heap at my feet. Venom flooded my mouth, wanting to be released into the wet, hot blood that ran thru her neck, a mere 5.432 inches away from my teeth.
Only one thought stopped me. In the fraction of a second that I had lost control, Alice's vision resurrected itself. My bright, crimson eyes and Bella's dead, lifeless body in my arms. It would be a picture I would forever carry with me, no matter how many centuries I existed. I pushed her away from me, slowly, deliberately, careful not to dislocate her shoulders. I was breathing rapidly, not needing the air, only the distraction of the sound. Bella's eyes told the story of her desire, my own passion palling in comparison to the thought of her blood in my mouth.
"Oops."
"That's an understatement."
"Should I…?" She made an attempt to move away from me, no doubt, wanting to ease my visible pain.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please."
I desperately needed to regain control over my scattered thoughts and emotions. I held tight to the horrible picture in my head, like a shield against the onslaught of her scent, much stronger with the heat of her wanting. I could still taste the faintest trace of her on my lips, and found my resolve had returned. I was again in control. I had passed this last, and hardest temptation, of the day. Relief washed across my face as I realized my steel cage had repaired itself. Bella was safe.
"There"
"Tolerable?"
"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know." I was giddy with the knowledge of my newfound hardiness.
"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry," she said softly.
"You are only human, after all."
"Thanks so much," she retorted.
The shadows were growing deeper, her father would be home soon. I extended my hand, and she took it gratefully. The warmth was very comforting, it spoke of life.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I was teasing her now, wanting to dissipate any residual tension from the air.
"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy…I think it's some of both, though"
"Maybe you should let me drive," I offered.
"Are you insane?"
"I can drive better than you on your best day. You have much slower reflexes." She couldn't argue with my logic, but continued, regardless, with her train of thought.
"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."
"Some trust, please, Bella."
"Nope. Not a chance." She could be very pig-headed.
She attempted to take a brave step forward, but instead wobbled as if walking on a tightrope. Afraid she would tumble, I grabbed her small waist, noting the way it felt in the crook of my arm, and smiled at her, tenderly, with love.
"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk."
"Drunk?"
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I smiled at the obviousness of my statement.
"I can't argue with that. Take it easy—my truck is a senior citizen."
"Very sensible." I assured her.
"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?"
Bella's "affect" had transformed me, completely and totally. My long life, once filled with despair, regret and longing, was now filled with exuberance, hope and passion. She was my everything, my life. Her blood, and her body, would always tempt me, maddening me with an intense wanting. I had fought a hopeless battle and overcame my very nature. I breathed in the intoxicating smell of her jaw, brushing my lips along the delicate curve, lingering. I accepted and welcomed the coming torture she presented to me. The need for her blood would haunt me night and day. I loved her more than anything else, she strengthened and invigorated me. Whatever tribulation I faced, we would face together, as one. We would wage war against our doomed future, willing it to change for the better. Her trembling body mimicked my own.
"Regardless, I have better reflexes."
A/N: Thanks for reading