Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror

"Man, it's hot," Mavis groaned, dragging herself into her and Perry's lair. She collapsed in her chair and allowed her limbs and head to spill out of it. She was wearing a white and yellow checked summer dress but she was STILL boiling.

A few minutes later, Perry dropped down next to her. He looked across at her, seemingly unimpressed by her appearance. She scowled at him. "What, you SERIOUSLY think I was going to wear BLACK today? It's, like, a hundred and ten degrees out there! I don't care if it's not uniform; I'm NOT changing."

Perry rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I'm wearing my fedora!" Mavis snapped, pointing to the hat on his head. "That's good enough."

Just then, Mavis's father's face appeared on the screen. "Good morning, Agent P and Agent M. Lawn gnomes across the Tri-State Area are disappearing, leaving thousands of gardens unprotected from the evils of black magic. We suspect Doofenshmirtz. Get right on it."

Perry saluted and ran off, but before Mavis could voice her objections about working on such a hot day, her boss's face had disappeared. She groaned and got up off the chair. "I just want some chocolate ice cream…"

Perry was waiting for her in the hovercar. She climbed in next to him, and he took off. As they left, Mavis heard a few female voices sing, "Perry!"

"What was that?" Mavis demanded.

Perry shrugged, but Mavis suspected he did know.

While they were flying, Perry put on a fake white beard, a red hat, and little blue clothes. Mavis stared at him. "What ARE you doing?"

Then Perry leapt off the hovercar, leaving Mavis to grab the wheel and land it in a tree, out of sight. She watched as he landed in a garden and stood stock still. A few seconds later, some kind of large vacuum came out of the ground and sucked him up. Mavis blinked. "W-Whoa…!"

Out of her fedora, she took a small digging device and dug down into the ground in the place where the vacuum had come out. She dropped down into a large cavern, where there were piles and piles of lawn gnomes. Her eyes widened, but at that moment, she spoted Doofenshmirtz holding Perry-gnome. "Oh, this is a strange one," he commented.

Then Perry kicked him in the face and landed on the ground. "Wait, who are you?" Doofenshmirtz gasped.

Perry took off the disguise.

"A platypus?"

Perry put on his fedora.

"PERRY THE PLATYPUS!?"

Mavis leapt out from her hiding place just then, landing beside Perry in a fighting stance.

"Agent Mavis!" gasped Doofenshmirtz.

"Actually, it's Agent-." She broke off and sighed. "Close enough. Surrender, Doofenshmirtz!"

"Not gonna happen! You two are mine!"

He pointed a remote at the two agents and pressed a button menacingly. Mavis flinched, but all that happened was the garage door behind them opened. "Oh no, wait, wait, wait. That was the garage door opener…" He grabbed another remote and pointed it triumphantly at them. "You are mine NOW!"

This time, the television flickered on behind Doofenshmirtz. "…and that was the TV remote. I've GOT to start labelling these things…"

As he sorted through a few more remotes, Mavis shot Perry a look of disbelief. Were they REALLY going to have to fight this guy EVERY day? Perry just shrugged back without even looking at her.

"Aha!" Doofenshmirtz suddenly crowed. "You are mine NOW!"

One more button press later, Mavis and Perry were trapped in a pet carrier that was just large enough for a kneeling-down Mavis. She let out an angry sigh. "Lucky this isn't HUMILIATING."

"Finally, I will rid myself of you!" Doofenshmirtz exhaled and brought out yet another remote control. "But first, turn your attention to the giant screen and-."

Mavis snickered as the garage door closed behind them.

"Hmm… Maybe I need to turn the cable on first?" He walked away to check the monitor.

"Next time, could you design a trap that's more spacious and less humiliating?" Mavis called after him irritably.

He appeared not to hear her. Just as he came back towards them, he suddenly paused. This caused Mavis and Perry to freeze too, staring at him and each other in confusion.

"Can you guys hear music?" Doofenshmirtz asked, frowning as he listened hard.

Mavis strained her ears and managed to make out the strands of a song.

"Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach. Nothing's out of reach, we got the backyard beach. Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach. Don't fall into the breach, got the backyard beach!"

A backyard beach, Mavis thought wistfully. Sunbathing, paddling, ice creams, surfing… Sounds like heaven right now. Why can't I go?

"Well, what do you know?" Doofenshmirtz said. "Anyway, I think I finally got the right one."

Oh, yeah.

"Now, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz pointed his flashlight at Perry and Mavis, both of whom squinted against the light. "You will finally understand...my PAIN!"

He pressed the button on the right remote and started showing his presentation. Mavis closed her eyes and yawned. Here we go.

"Back in Gimmelshtump in the days of my youth, the Doofenshmirtzes were a proud family. But those were lean times for my father and our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from those witches, spells, and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me."

"Tragic," Mavis muttered.

"While the other children played Kick-the-Schtumpel and eat Doonkelberries, I would stand for hours."

"Poor you."

"All through the cold night as the Spitzenhounds howled, my only companion was the moon. And my neighbour Kenny."

"So lonely."

Doofenshmirtz whirled round and glared at her. "Man, you have NO concept of tragedy, do you? OR compassion!"

Mavis just shrugged, so Doofenshmirtz scowled and continued his speech: "And since my lawn gnome was taken away from me, I will destroy every lawn gnome in the entire Tri-State Area! Behold, the Destruct-inator!" He spread his arms theatrically.

"Creative name," remarked Mavis sarcastically. When Doofenshmirtz turned to glare at her again, she added, "All I'm saying is that, while it sounds like it sucked, I'm not entirely sure why it's grounds to destroy all lawn gnomes."

The evil scientist scowled. "That's because you're not an evil genius, like me."

Mavis snorted, but Doofenshmirtz ignored her. "And now to activate my creation!"

He grabbed one of his remotes and pressed the button on it, lifting Perry and Mavis's trap. "NOOO," Doofenshmirtz groaned, before getting smacked in the face by Perry's tail.

Mavis snatched the remote from Doofenshmirtz and threw it at him. He ducked, but it distracted him long enough for Perry to kick him into a large lever, switching it to "blow". So instead of sucking gnomes up, it began to blow them out.

"PERRY!" Mavis snapped. "Now we're all doomed!"

Perry just shrugged as the ground began to shake. Doofenshmirtz started running around in a panic, trying to stop the machine. Mavis braced herself.

Then there was an almighty explosion.

…

As the water drained away from the beach, Mavis emerged from the receding volcano, sopping wet and gasping for air, and collapsed on the sand on her back. She wheezed, coughing up a little water. "WHY. ME."

She lay there in the hot sun until she dried off, then she got to her trembling feet and brushed the sand off her clothes. "Man, looks like I missed the party." She sighed. "Ah, well."

Just then, Perry came up to her, holding two ice creams. He handed her the chocolate one. She smiled weakly at him as he started licking his vanilla ice cream. "Thanks, Agent P."

"Bedraggled is a good look for you."

"Shut up."