There will be moment of OOCness throughout this series, because this, is a crack-fic. For the pure purpose of my (and hopefully your) mirthful enjoyment.
Season 1, Episode 2: Three, Two, One
Previously, on Roomies:
"If someone more suitable does not come in the next five people, I will take the flyers down and pay the extra share," Itachi murmured over his coffee.
There was a knock on the door. Three sharp raps.
Three was the condo's lucky number. Deidara, Sasori and Kisame shared a meaningful glance… well… Sasori was unwrapping his third lollipop for the morning.
This was it. If this wasn't the right person, the condo's mojo would be ruined, Itachi would have dominion over them, and all would be lost in the grand scheme of things. This person had to be perfect!
Deidara was the one to open the door this time.
"Hi," came the greeting from the person outside.
"Oh, Kami, you are hawt," the female voice purred as the door swung open. Deidara's eyes swung open. She looked...
"She looks just like you," Sasori intoned monotonously from behind Deidara's ear.
"I knooow, right?" the woman said, her eyes raking over Deidara's slim figure. "It's like a masculine version of yours truly, and its fantastic!" she cooed, adding a sensual meow at the end of her sentence.
Deidara's eyebrow twitched. He hated when people looked like him. Dammit, he was a piece of art okay? And no one was supposed to steal his art!
"She does not look like me! I am ten times better looking, un! not to mention I don't have fuckin' pimples,un, and my hair is a dishwater blonde! ITS SUNSHINE BLONDE OKAY!" Deidara yelled, almost on the verge of frustrated tears. He just could not understand how anyone could think he looked like that! He was obviously so much more...artistic. He was a piece of artwork created to be viewed and awed over.
"Excuse me?" the blonde snapped, snapping her knuckles ominously.
"I don't care if that Uchiha bastard gets the parking lot, un! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU!" he screamed, slamming the door in the face of the woman at the doorstep. He was breathing heavily, breaths coming out in hot, flustered puffs, and his face was red with... emotion.
"Uh... Deidara?" Kisame growled from Deidara's right. "What the hell was that?"
"Shut it Salmon-head! I was not going to have that sub par version of myself strutting around the house,un. Did you see the way she was looking at me?" he screamed.
"It's true," Sasori said blandly, smoothing Deidara's hair. He wanted some of it for his puppets, so he was currently sucking up to the blonde in hopes that Deidara would, in the heated throes of gratitude for his loyalty, give him some of the blonde hair.
"It would have felt like watching incest," the redhead added, eyeing the blonde's hair calculatingly. Kisame looked at Deidara, thought about the crazy woman who had been at the door, then shuddered. He thought about it some more.
"They would have looked like two sisters going at it..." he murmured, looking off into the distance.
"I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A GIRL, UN!" Deidara screamed, extremely distressed. There was utter silence in the apartment for a full fifteen seconds.
"You do," Itachi deadpanned, then went back to his cup of coffee. It was his third cup for the day, so he just had one more to go before he was fit for society.
"Wh-?" Deidara complained. "What part of this..." he began, gesturing at his body with his hands as he ripped his shirt off and displayed his toned abs, "looks like a girl, un?" There was another period of silence in the apartment.
"SERIOUSLY?" Deidara yelled, storming out of the room, muttering loudly to himself.
"He didn't even wait for us to assuage his fears," Sasori muttered, even though it was obvious he would not have ever said anything comforting to Deidara, even for a generous portion of the blonde's hair. Sasori did not want a lock of Deidara's hair.
No. He wanted it all.
Deidara popped back out, though, the moment that another knock sounded at the door. He sent a glare in Itachi's direction, as the Uchiha was currently on his computer looking at the money in his bank account.
"Yes, Deidara. Go and open the door again. It seems I definitely have enough money to pay the lion's share," Itachi said, his face bland. Deidara growled under his breath.
"Sasori, there is no way I'm answering the door, un," the blonde pouted, folding his arms over his chest.
"Damn, shut the fuck up, I'll do it!" Kisame growled, stalking over to the door and yanking it open.
A pink haired, green eyed female walked in and before anyone even had time to admire her looks. She began.
"Oh! My! Kami! Uchiha Itachi-sama!" she screamed. She was wearing nurse scrubs, but had a gigantic Uchiha crest tacked on to the front and back of the dark blue garment. "I love your family!" she squealed. "I've even got these pictures...!" she began, dragging a large photo album out of her equally large bag and slamming it on the counter.
"Look, awww, baby Itachi-sama! And Oooohh! Look at Fugaku-sama and Mikoto-sama cuddling in bed! And, oh, Itachi-sama, I brought your favorite deodorant for you," she rambled, emptying her bag on the counter. A plethora of items clattered out of the bag, among which were underwear, trinkets, more photographs, tomatoes, pocky, and a couple of other strange stuff that no one had time to really see.
Why?
Because Uchiha Itachi had not yet had his fourth cup of coffee.
In a movement so swift they barely saw him move, every item was scraped off the counter, back into the woman's cavernous bag, and bag, woman (but not the album) were safely transported out of the apartment. Itachi slammed the door before she could recover and reached for the phone.
The other stunned men could only watch as Itachi jabbed three numbers on the phone.
"Hello... yes? Konoha Police Department? Yes, I would like to report a stalker...
Kisame sat in the middle of parking spot #13, drawing sad little crying fish on the tarmac with a bit of chalk he'd found. They were doomed. Each and every one of the people that came as a result of Deidara's flyer were just... not going to cut it.
He looked up morosely at the sound of footsteps, then blinked. A beautiful, well endowed, pale eyed woman walked past him, smiling gently at him as she passed. Her curtain of dark hair shimmered behind her as she walked, swaying behind her back with her every movement. Kisame's eyes trailed down to her rear end, one dark blue brow rising as he watched.
Damn.
"Now see that?" he muttered to himself. "Why can't someone like that want to live with us?" he groused. He sighed, watching her walk. As she approached door #12 in the Akatsuki Complex.
It wasn't possible. Could it be possible? She walked even closer.
'Oh, please, Kami, let it be possible!' Kisame begged frantically, rising from his position on the ground.
She stopped at number 12, checked the numeral plate on the outside of the door, and then knocked.
"YES!" Kisame screamed, leaping to his feet and doing his victory stance - which consisted of feet placed shoulder distance apart and both hands in the air. He called it, Position X... because it looked like an X.
As the door opened, Kisame trotted up behind the newcomer. He ushered her inside, closed the door behind him.
"Guys..." he said, eyeing the other men beseechingly. "Please?"
Kisame is desperate to keep Itachi away from the right side of the fridge. But will the other guys accept this lovely newcomer? Stay tuned for the next episode of Roomies!
*dramatic TV series soundtrack*
Revieww~~~