Chapter 2: The party
Dan had just left the house, and he was wandering down the street towards Nathans, his headphones in his ears. He was worried about Phil. He rarely left the house these days, kept saying he didn't feel well. He seemed so distant sometimes, like he wasn't even there. Sure, sometimes he was still the same old happy Phil, who couldn't seem to hate anyone, no matter what they did, but sometimes… he just wasn't there. Dan sighed, trying to forget it. If something was wrong, Phil would have told him. He should just go to this party and have fun. He wanted to turn round, run back home. He wanted to hold Phil in his arms until he felt better, but he couldn't. He selected a song and listened as he continued to walk. He couldn't get into it at first, but eventually he started to listen to the lyrics.
But a house gets cold when you cut the heating, without you to hold I'll be freezing
Dan thought of the hugs he and Phil had shared today, grinning. He always made an effort to hug Phil these days, to make it clear that he cared. T o show him he could tell him anything, even if he couldn't tell Phil everything.
Can't rely on my heart to beat it, 'cause you take part of it every evening
Dan remembered what it was like, when Phil used to go out most nights, even if it was just for a walk. He remembered how it felt like he had lost a part of him. It was like the loneliness ate away at him, bit by bit, the minute the front door shut.
Take words out of my mouth just from breathing, replace with phrases like when you're leaving me
Dan remembered the worst nightmare. It was worse, because he was there when he made the mistake. He had to watch Phil leave. He remembered telling Phil how he felt, and he remembered the look of pure hatred on Phil's face. He had to watch as he turned without a word, and walked out the front door without looking back.
Should I? Should I? Maybe I'll get drunk again, I'll be drunk again, I'll be drunk again. To feel a little love.
Dan knew what his problem was. He felt too much. He felt so much that his heart had become a hole, and it hurt. There was always a niggling pain in his chest, waiting for him to let his guard down. Waiting for him to go to bed, waiting to swallow all his hopes and dreams, waiting to tell him he wasn't good enough. He especially wasn't good enough for Phil. Dan needed to get drunk. The pain had heightened now, it couldn't get any worse. Dan just wanted to forget for a while.
Soon he was inside, in Nathans kitchen. He hadn't seen anyone he recognised yet, but that was ok. He was on a mission. He grabbed a cup, and reached for the nearest bottle, not even bothering to look at what it was.