Disclaimer: This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.
The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?
Chapter 2
The Leader stood beside the door to the Akatsuki minibus with clipboard in hand. "If you need to go to the toilet go now because I don't want to make any unnecessary stops. We're stopping at services after about two hours so if you don't go now you'll have to wait until then. I'm also reliably informed that there is a Burger King there. Kisame, we're going for a week, you can't possibly need two suitcases."
"Everything in here is essential!"
"Fine. Tobi, because Kisame has two cases I'm afraid you can't take any. Right is everybody here? Ok then, move out!"
At those words the members of the world's most feared criminal organisation pushed and shoved their way on to the cramped minibus and tried to make it to the back seats first. Itachi won because he had sidled his way on board while Leader was stressing out.
"I call back seats for myself and Kisame!" Kisame pushed his way past his colleagues, a smug grin plastered on his face.
"Next furthest back for me and Sasori no Danna!"
This arrangement suited the others quite well, as it was only those four that seemed bothered by the universal bus hierarchy. Everyone else had grown out of it.
And so Kakuzu drove the minibus on to the road and towards Alton Towers. Tobi had to sit in the cab with Leader because he was designated loser.
30 Minutes later after the initial excitement of being in a minibus had worn off…
"I'm reeeeally bored, un!" This caused the other occupants of the bus (including Leader and Kakuzu) to snap immediately to attention and start looking frantically for something to occupy Deidara, for they all knew that Bored Deidara Large Explosions. In a confined space. A confined space running on flammable liquid. Only Sasori seemed untroubled by this potentially fatal scenario.
"Everyone relax, I came prepared," at this the Puppet Master removed a box of crayons and some paper from the dark recesses of his Akatsuki coat.
"Crayons, un!"
And all were saved.
"Hey Tobi, here, we don't like Fanta!" Kisame lobbed his can of pop towards the cab while Tobi attempted to make a wild catch for it. Instead it bounced out of his hands and bonked Kakuzu on the noggin, the shock from the blow causing the missing-nin to swerve the mini-bus violently across the lanes of the motorway before he regained control.
"YOU STUPID BASTARDS! I'M IN THE MIDDLE FUCKING LANE OF THE M6! YOU DON'T PISS ABOUT IN THE MIDDLE LANE! IT COULD HAVE ROLLED UNDER THE BRAKE PEDAL AND THEN WE WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKED! JESUS CHRIST!" Kakuzu shouted. The Leader was equally unimpressed.
"Don't make me come back there…" he warned. Barely controlled laughter was coming from the back of the bus while Zetsu and Hidan just looked at each other and shook their heads. A few minutes later the peace that had descended after Leader's warning was interrupted by the sound of sirens approaching fast. Deidara and Kisame stuck their heads out of the windows nearest to them.
"Um, Leader, I think they want us to pull over," Kisame ventured while watching the two police-ninjas in the car flashing their lights and waving for them to pull over. Deidara was waving back.
"SHIT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU BUNCH OF DELINQUENTS!" Kakuzu was royally pissed because he already had three penalty points, the naughty man.
"Well we can't pull over, I forgot to go for a wee before we left so I need to get to the services," the Leader stated, "You will just have to try and lose them."
"Lose them?! LOSE THEM?! WE'RE ON THE FUCKING MOTORWAY IN A MINIBUS THAT DOES FIFTY MILES AN HOUR! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LOSE THEM?!"
There was a loud explosion from behind the bus and Kakuzu caught the reflection of a fireball and all-round carnage in the wing mirror.
"We've lost them, un!" came Deidara's happy explanation of the pandemonium.
After the excitement of being involved in a police chase had passed, the rest of the trip to the services was pretty uneventful, except that Kisame and Deidara had been inspired by Tobi's lame attempt to catch a can of pop to invent a new game that was to last the entirety of the holiday, and would later involve some serious money – How Many Things Can Tobi Be Pwned By During Our Holiday.
And thus the epic battle of Tobi vs. Stuff began, and by the time they reached the services he had been pwned by a can of Fanta, some crayons, and a paper plane.
As soon as the bus was parked in the services car park, Leader had jutsued directly to the toilets and left everyone else to fend for themselves with the order to "Be Back In No More Than Half An Hour!" It took Itachi, Kisame, Sasori and Deidara approximately 2.5 seconds to vacate the bus and bully their way to the front of the Burger King queue, where Itachi ordered a Big Mac…and got one. Hidan was ranting at Kakuzu who was stealthily breaking into the bandits and stealing the money, Zetsu was using a pay phone and speaking in French, and Tobi was buying comics. The relative harmony and peace could surely not last for long…
Leader exited the toilets while doing up his fly, "Well I feel a hell of a lot better…now?" He was met with a scene of absolute devastation. For yes, Tobi had been pwned by the M6 services.
Leader walked over to his subordinates who were crowded round a table, seemingly unaffected by the destruction around them. He decided it was best to just ignore the carnage and sat down just as Tobi got back from being pwned by Burger King.
"Tobi got a Chicken Royale!" Zetsu patted him on the head. Tobi sat down next to Deidara and unwrapped his sandwich, and saw something shiny lying on the floor, "Ohh, shiny thing! Can you hold my sandwich please, Deidara-sempai?"
"What? Oh sure." Deidara took the sandwich while Tobi 'investigated' the shiny thing. "So anyway this guy was like 'Hey, freak!' and I was like 'What did you just say – LEFTY-SAN, NO! JUNK FOOD DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU!" Alas for Tobi's sandwich it was too late, as Deidara's hand ate the blob of mayonnaise and bread that is a Chicken Royale sandwich – then promptly vomited it back up over Tobi's sandals. Yes, Tobi had just been pwned by a Chicken Royale.
Back on the bus, the leader inserted the 'Songs of Stage and Screen' CD he had just bought for £2.99 at WH Smiths. The next two hours passed in a blur of Evita, Carousel, and Phantom of the Opera. Kakuzu pulled up in the car park of Alton Towers Hall Hotel right in the middle of 'Memory' from Cats. Just as well really as everyone bar the Leader was about to top themselves. The missing-nins piled out of the bus, leaving Tobi to carry the luggage, and stood awestruck in front of the majesty that is Alton Towers Hall Hotel.
"It's beautiful…"
"It's expensive…"
"It's gay…"
"It's blasphemous…"
"It's tacky…"
"Tobi!"
The group entered the lobby to be confronted with a gigantic statue of an elephant decked out in all the ostentatious trappings of the Empire.
"£400 per night each to stay in a bad Phileas Fogg nightmare," Kakuzu shook his head in absolute disbelief. "Thatcher's Britain."
Leader strutted (for he does) up to the reception desk.
"Good afternoon, Sir. Do you have a reservation?" the girl behind the desk asked.
"Good afternoon. Yes we have a reservation for five of the themed suites under the name Mr. A Leader."
"Ah, yes. We have given you the Imperial Suite, the Arabian Nights Suite, the Sleepover Suite, the Big Pyjama Suite, and Peter Rabbit's Burrow. If you could just sign here…and here are your keys and theme park tickets. I hope you enjoy your stay at Alton Towers." She smiled her fake smile and went back to inspecting her nails. Leader turned round to the group, sensing perhaps another round of anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider to sort out the rooming arrangements.
"I'm not staying in the fucking pyjama room or whatever the fuck it is!"
"I DEMAND the Sleepover Suite!"
"Danna and I call the Arabian Nights, un!"
"Deidara better get what he wants or I'll kick your ass!"
"Peter Rabbit!"
While the Leader would normally have sat back and enjoyed another round of anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider, it would be bad form to be kicked out of the hotel five minutes after booking in. It would also mean he had lost the bet on How Long Can We Go On Holiday Without Being Kicked Out Of The Hotel and would therefore owe Kakuzu some money. This was unacceptable.
"SILENCE! I have already decided based on a number of factors which team gets which room. Right then, I get the Imperial Suite because I am the Emperor of Akatsuki. Hidan and Kakuzu get the Big Pyjama Suite because it amuses me. Itachi and Kisame get the Sleepover Suite because Itachi wants it and I admire his hair. Sasori and Deidara get the Arabian Nights Suite and now Deidara owes me a pie. Zetsu and Tobi get the Peter Rabbit Room because it's furthest away from me. There is no room for argument, here are your keys. Tobi, get the luggage. We will meet in the bar at seven p.m." With that the Leader stalked off, coat billowing, to the Imperial Suite.
The rest of Akatsuki made their way to their rooms with Tobi struggling along behind.
In the Big Pyjama Suite…
"There is a pissing hot air balloon in the fucking room! What the fuck is the point in that?!" Hidan was waving his arms around like a madman during his exclamation.
Kakuzu was still in the same state of disbelief he had fallen into when confronted with the elephant.
In the Arabian Nights Suite…
"It's so romantic Sasori no Danna!" Deidara was clapping his hands and jumping up and down in the manner of a psychotic dumb blond. Sasori had to admit the room impressed him though. If he had his way they wouldn't be leaving the comfort of that big canopied bed much during this holiday…
"Deidara, strip."
In the Sleepover Suite…
"Arghhh it's like we haven't even left the base!" Kisame was tearing at his hair with his eyes tight shut, keeping out the vision of pink before him.
"I demand that we have a Lord of the Rings marathon sleepover!"
In the Peter Rabbit Room…
"Nooooo! It plays on my fear of rabbit burrows and early 20th century children's literature!" Tobi was pwned.
In the Imperial Suite…
"I am the King of Evil and the Emperor of Pein, hahahah!"
The author would like to point out the following:
1. The M6 and its associated service stations are the property of the British government and the respective companies that run them. Kakuzu is right; you do not piss about on the M6.
2. Any proprietary brands of beverage or foodstuffs mentioned herein are the properties of their respective owners/manufacturers.
3. Musicals and songs mentioned are the property of their respective creators.