Disclaimer: I own nothing in the HP universe, though the thought of stealing Severus appeals to me. A lot.
A/N: Yay, 8 reviews! That's plenty to me!
Erikalya Arvanesse: Thx for your first review! Glad you like the story!
Sylvia: Thank you!
Mint Green Lauren: You really think this is hilarious?! Thank you! *in tears* Here's more Sevvie and his mirror!
marajade179: Thx! This is original because few people out there has a twisted mind like me, mwahahahahaha! Anyways.
beckie13: Glad you love it!
kim: Thank you! Here is more!
crazy: Your wish is my command, your highness. *bows* Here's more!
stargurl: A hot Sevvie? *drools all over the place* Yeah, yeah, I will think about that...
So here is more randomness and (hopefully) laughs! Hope all of you like it! Btw, I think I may be raising the rating a bit, because this chapter contains a cheap but funny joke my bro told me last night. And sorry for the stupid title of the magazine that will appear in this chapter...at least it is not "Whizwhizard" or something which is totally what I intended to name it after an hour of fruitless brainstorm. The name now just popped up to me when I am reading "Calvin and Hobbes"...*shrugs*
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Arriving at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, Severus looks up at the dark, lifeless building, sighs, and enters.
Severus : (Unloading trunks) What kind of a pigsty is this? (Fingers a speck of dust off a stand nearby)
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (looks around... as around as you can as a flat mirror lying on a trunk, that is, directly upwards) Nice chandelier!
Severus : (fails to see how a cobweb-covered chandelier is nice) Locomotor trunks! (Nothing happen) LOCOMOTOR TRUNKS!!!
(Trunks wobble a bit and rise reluctantly)
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (smirks) See, I told you you would lose some of your magical power...
Severus : (smirks back) I wouldn't talk so much if I were sitting on a wobbly flying trunk without a strap on.
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (forces down shudders in fear of shattering self)
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Severus : (Lowers trunks very un-gently)
(Trunks landed with a loud 'thud')
Mirror still sitting on top of trunk : Owww! I am not exactly a young mirror anymore! I am very fragile-
Severus : (seems very disappointed that the mirror hasn't broke into a thousand pieces) Shut. Up.
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : You over-use that phrase, you know that? (looks up) Hey, nice chandelier!
Severus : (bangs head on a portrait) Why meeeeeee!
Strange reedy voice : I'd appreciate if you would stop that. It doesn't hurt, not really, but it bothers me awhile when someone keep squashing his head into my abdomen.
Severus : (looks up, face inches from portrait) Huh?
(A sage-looking wizard showed up in the portrait. He was in Slytherin color, green and silver, and has a pointed beard)
Wizard in portrait : (checks Severus from head to toe) Hmm, you look familiar... (thinks)
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (shouts quickly) He is Severus Snape, formerly known as Potions Master of Hogwarts, but he is sacked. He is now a fifteen-year-old kiddie waiting to be readmitted into school-
Severus : (angrily) SHUT UP YOU SICK ATTENTION-SEEKING PIECE OF BRASS!
Wizard in portrait : (curls beard with two fingers) Hmm, I remember you Severus, my name is Phineas Nigellus-
Severus : (turns back to portrait, but keeps his face out of it) I know who you are! I am a professor in Hogwarts for fourteen years!
Phineas : (ignores Severus and talks to Mirror sitting on top of trunk) : Hullo, long time no see. The last time I saw you was back in my forties I believe, in Snape Manor... Scamblus makes the best mirrors there are...
Severus : (goes down on one knee abruptly)
Phineas : (surprised) What are you doing Severus?
Severus : (stands up and shakes his head)
Phineas : As I am saying, Scamblus-
Severus : (kneels down quickly)
Phineas : ???
Severus : (stands up and pants) Some sick ancestor of mine put a curse into our clan that any Snape should kneel upon the names of their forebear.
Phineas : (wickedly) That's funny. (Shouts) Scamblus! Sampson! Staquio! Shimerthon!
Severus : (stands up and kneels down repeatedly)
Phineas : Mwahahahahahahaha! Funny!
Severus : (out of breath and can do nothing more than send a basilisk glare to Phineas)
Phineas : (dodges glare easily) Hey how are you, mirror sitting on top of trunk?
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : I would prefer you call me 'The antique piece of omniscience'. I am fine, of course not as fine as those days that I got to be polished by three house-elves in the morning, but I will survive. How are you then?
Phineas : (shakes head) This house is occupied by way too many half-bloods that it reeks, and since that great-great-grandson of mine- decided to join Satan in his barbecue- (stifles a sob) and that Potter boy was gone, no one ever came in here anymore.
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (sympathetically) Oooh, don't worry, you won't be lonely anymore- Sevvie and I are staying for the summer.
Severus : (furiously) I am not staying in this room! Not with- with- (points portrait with one shaky finger)
Phineas : C'mon Sevvie, you can't be spotted by the Order or they may report to Duncanball-
Severus : (automatically) Dumbledore.
Phineas : (dismissively) Whatever. This is the last place they will find you, really! (smiles pleasingly)
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (tries to nudge Severus but discovers that it has no limbs to do so) Sevvieee? (tries to be sweet)
Severus : (exasperatedly throws hands into the air) Ok, OKAY! I will stay! And don't call me Sevvie! (shudders)
Phineas : (seems to have taken a great liking in Severus) At least you are a pure-blood, Sevvie-doohickey-
Severus : Arghhhhh! (turns towards door)
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (still sweetly) Severus-
Severus : (stops, turn and give mirror sitting on top of trunk a suspicious glare)
Mirror sitting on top of trunk : Before you storm out, can you hang me beside Phineas? Please? (voice so sweet that you can taste it)
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Two days later
Mirror on the wall (Yeah, it is on a wall again, but this wall is different from that wall... ok, shutting up) : Severus?
Severus : (lying on his belly in a king-sized bed) Hmmm?
Mirror on the wall : (whiningly) I am borrrrrrred.
Severus : (not taking eyes off book) So?
Mirror on the wall : So?! Can't we spend sometime together, doing something? Like, swim?
Severus : (still not looking up) I can soak you in the tub if you want.
Mirror on the wall : (frustrated) No! That's not what I mean! I mean, we don't spend time together anymore...
Severus : (finally sitting up) When had we ever spent time together? (ponders) We can play throw and catch if you really want to. I can throw a ball, or better, a stone at you and you can catch it.
Mirror on the wall : Hey, I saw that evil grin!
Severus : (grins evilly) Shut up if you don't want me to deform you.
Mirror on the wall : (does what it does best, whine) But I am bored!
Severus : (rubs temple tiredly) If I give you something to do, would you leave me alone?
Mirror on the wall : (thinks seriously) Um... I will- I guess.
Severus : (flunks something across the room and returns to his book)
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Phineas : O The antique piece of omniscience, what's that you are reading?
Mirror on the wall : "Cauldron and Robes", it's a very interesting read.
Phineas : (interested) Oh is that so? What's in there?
Mirror on the wall : Look, this section is called 'Know yourself more, know yourself better! The in-depth analyze of every single kind of wizard ever walked on Earth '. It is very intriguing- (calls) Severus? Would you mind answering a few questions? Would you? Would you? (if it had legs it would have been jumping up and down)
Severus : (acidly) Yes I would.
Mirror on the wall : (fails to notice his reply) Ok, here goes. First, what is your favorite sweet? A, Chocolate Frogs; B, Licorice Wands; C, Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour Beans and D, I hate sweets.
Severus : (grudgingly) D.
Mirror on the wall : Hmm... Second, what is your favorite drink? A, Pumpkin juice; B, Butterbeer; C, My Animagus form is a camel, I can drink once and go eight days without any kind of liquid and D, Pumpkin juice.
Severus : That's two pumpkin juice.
Phineas : You actually like pumpkin juice?
Severus : (snorts) No! I don't like pumpkin juice!
Phineas : Then why did you say 'two pumpkin juice'?
Severus : (hotly) Because there are two pumpkin juice! A, pumpkin juice and D, pumpkin juice!
Phineas : So you choose A and D?
Severus : (very very pissed off) I say I don't like pumpkin juice!!
Phineas : (puzzled) Then why did you choose A and D?
Severus : Grrrrr. I choose C!
Phineas : (raises an eyebrow) You are a camel? I am impressed.
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Half an hour later
Mirror on the wall : Number 54, what is the frequency of you saying 'I love you' to someone? A, Every other hour; B, Once a week; C, Once a year, when you must on some kind of anniversary and D, Never.
Severus : (sounding exhausted) D.
Mirror on the wall : Yay! We are finished! I've got your results here!
Phineas : Where? Lemme see! Lemme see!!
Severus : I am so glad that's over. (slumps on bed)
Mirror on the wall : (reads) Type D is the most unpleasant type. They are sadistic, sardonic and cynical. They enjoy criticizing and ordering others. Their greatest joy in life is intimidating and belittling the people around them. They also take great pleasure in terrorizing anyone in a ten-meter radius. Some hobbies of them includes Dark Arts and Exorcism. This grim personality of them is mostly caused by a dark childhood, abuses or lack of friends. They like to sulk in dank dungeons and most fail to see the good in life. Solution: There is almost nothing to do to these sad creatures forgotten by the Almighty, they have no future, next to no redemption. But if your friend is one of this type, don't be discouraged by his cold freezing appearance or his attempt to hex you into hell every time you approach him, deep down, he is just a lost, broken, lonely boy waiting for your love and acceptance.
Phineas : That is so sad! (sobs) C'mon Sevvie, come to uncle Phineas, I will give you a big hug-
Severus : I am not going anywhere near you!
Mirror on the wall : 'Don't be discouraged by his cold freezing appearance or his attempt to hex you into hell every time you approach him', Phineas, 'he is just a lost, broken, lonely boy waiting for your love and acceptance'.
Severus : (indignantly) I am not lost, broken or lonely!
Phineas : Poor kid. He is so rejective.
Severus : Grrrr. (throws self under pillows)
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Mirror on the wall : Listen, 'What is the body part that would expand four times in size when stimulated?'
Severus : (under pillows) Ithortyusay yuwot bother meifIgivyu somfingtodo.
Mirror on the wall : You reminds me of my niece when you mumble.
Severus : (sits up and racks a hand in his hair) I thought you said you won't bother me if I give you something to do.
Mirror on the wall : C'mon, this is not bothering, this is fun!
Severus : I consider being asked a thousand questions bothering.
Mirror on the wall : (hurt) This is only the fifteenth riddle.
Phineas : What's the answer? Tell me! Tell me!
(Mirror on the wall whispers answer to Phineas)
Phineas : Oh, that's easy! Try it Sevvie, it is easy!
Severus : (wonders whether he has enough magic left to hex both his mirror and Phineas to where ever Voldemort is) I won't answer that.
Mirror on the wall : Oh, you don't know the answer? Come on, it's not that difficult! 'What- is- the- body- part- that- would- expand- four- times- in- size- when- stimulated?'
Severus : (turns into a beautiful shade of pink)
Phineas : (laughs really loudly) Tehehe, Sevvie is blushing!
Severus : (flushes deeper) Am not!
Phineas : (sings) Severus' a sissy, Severus' a sissy!
Severus : (screams) I am NOT a sissy and I do not blush! And I know the answer!
Phineas : (skeptically) Oh, is that it? Let's hear it then- or are you too afraid to say the answer out loud?
Severus : (shaking with anger) I ain't afraid of nothing! The answer is p-p-p-
Phineas : (smirks)
Severus : P-p-p- (cheeks turning into a hue of crimson that would make a Griffindor jealous)
Mirror on the wall : You got it, it is the pupils! Boy, you are good at riddles!
Severus : ?!
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Mirror on the wall : Okay, Across 10, (reads) 'What is the muggle coffee shop that starts with a 'S' and ends with a 'S' too?' There are one, two, three- nine boxes.
Phineas : I don't know. 'Stupidgas'?
(nine boxes marked 'Across 10' in the crossword puzzle gleam in red for a second)
Mirror on the wall : Hmm- that means it's not correct- how about 'Straydogs'?
(boxes gleam red again)
Phineas : (thinks hard) Er- 'Stoneyass'?
(boxes gleam like mad)
Mirror on the wall : This is hard...'Scoooters'?
Phineas : There's only two 'o's in scooters.
Mirror on the wall : (stubbornly) Maybe muggle scooters have three 'o's.
(boxes gleam red)
Phineas : Har har. It is wrong anyway.
Mirror on the wall : Hey, you didn't get it right, so you can't talk-
Severus : (speaks from the bed) How about 'Scarsucks'?
(boxes think for a moment, but gleam red anyway)
Severus : Arghhh. I don't care. (returns to book)
Mirror on the wall : (annoyed) This is the most difficult crossword puzzle I've ever tried!
Phineas : Who cares about muggles? Let's try another puzzle.
(together they drop the '100 words about muggles for 5 years old or below' crossword puzzle and try the 'Dark Puzzle')
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Three weeks later
(All three in the room was bored to death, the 194th. issue of 'Cauldron and Robes' was left forgotten on the floor.)
Phineas : (bored) I am bored.
Mirror on the wall : (bored) Me too. Do you have more magazines, Severus?
Severus : (bored) No. Even if I do I am not giving you one. Last time I did it proved to be disastrous, I am never giving you another magazine.
Mirror on the wall : (bored) Selfish little brat.
Severus : (stuck tongue out at mirror on the wall, and yes, bored)
(Silence)
Severus : (bored) I wonder why isn't my letter arriving yet.
Mirror on the wall : (sing-song voice) O this boy here thought he could fool Hogwarts into admitting him-
Phineas : (right on cue) But little did he realize, the chance is really dim-
Mirror on the wall : And slim-
Phineas : (echoes) And grim...
Severus : (grits teeth) Must you two speak in rhyme?
Mirror on the wall / Phineas : No, we can always mime! (burst out laughing)
Severus : (rolls eyes) Okay, you two are bored...
(Something taps on the window)
Severus : (walks over to window) Oh jolly! It's my letter!
Phineas : How can owls find this place? It's concealed!
Severus : (dismissively) They are magical.
Phineas : (sarcastically) Yeah, that explains everything.
Severus : I chose not to respond to your savage remarks. (opens letter) You are just jealous because no one ever sent you anything.
Phineas : Jealous? JEALOUS? Of you? I can stay at Hogwarts for as long as I want, unlike you, who had to trick some stupid owls by drinking some stupid potion! Not to mention you have greasy hair! (alarmed) What are you grinning at?
Severus : (gleefully) Ha! Looks like I need to visit Diagon Alley tomorrow! (waves hand in air in an horrible attempt to dance)
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A/N: So, what do you think? Not too stretched I hope... and hope this brings some laugh out of ya! Now, please REVIEW! (And my other stories too, thanks!)