Piper awakes to the cluster of profanities spilling out over her like rain in the dark hours of the morning. The suspected eeriness of silence doesn't linger like a shadow consuming ever body that lies in bed. It's merely the opposite.
A range of "shut the fucks ups" and "I'm trying to sleeps" hits Piper in her dazed state, not really identifying who is the recipient of such aggressive tones.
She scrunches her blue and white speckled blanket up to the side of her face trying to block out the sounds that fill her ear. She wants the sweet relief of sleep. She doesn't see or feel pain then, and it's a pleasant reminder that things can be switched off like a light once her mind decides to lock itself up at night.
But a blanket to the ear doesn't suffice and without much thought or consideration, Piper acknowledges that going back to sleep isn't going to be an easy task, even if her eyes are swollen and fluttering, begging to remain shut.
Piper pays more attention to the sounds, with the introduction of something distant. It has a different tone than the rest of the screams; more haunting and painful. She doesn't understand why it sounds so familiar, why she's heard it before.
And then it hits her like a grand piano falling on top of her from the sky above.
"Aydin stop. It doesn't have to be like this." A torturous mash up of crying and speaking drifts down to Piper and in an instant she knows it's Alex.
Piper's eyes burst open and she's sent into an utter panic with her heart wanting to rip open her skin from the inside and jump out.
Piper doesn't even hesitate. She rips the blanket off from right on top of her and scurries down the side of her bed, nearly slipping on the damp metal that holds the bed in place, catching herself on the wall beside her.
It doesn't take long to see how far gone Alex is. How agitated her movements are as she shuffles in her bed, or how her sweat dribbles down the side of her hairline as she tries to fight the anxious panic. Piper softly places her hand on Alex's forehead trying to receive some indication of how high Alex's temperature is against her hands. Alex is searing hot. Boiling. And she looks like her body's suffocating under the blankets. Piper gathers the blankets that are caught under Alex's body and pulls them out with a hard yank, allowing Alex's skin to breathe in the frosty air.
"Stop, please" Alex's eyes are closed and it takes a moment for Piper to realise that she's still caught in her nightmare.
"Shhh" Piper whispers with her lips just touching Alex's ear. Piper adjust her stance and uses the bottom of her finger to delicately wipe away the tears that drip down Alex's face, wiping them on the already soaked shirt that Alex has plastered onto her body.
"Shut that bitch up" It comes from the far left side of the bunk from a voice that doesn't sound at all familiar. But even if it did, Piper's objective is to comfort Alex out of her horrific nightmare, not get into arguments with a rowdy inmate. She knows the window is seared into her arm for this exact decision. Stay out of people's business. Don't disturb the peace. She knows what's worth it, and it's lying right in front of her.
Piper starts calmly rocking Alex, fingers grasped onto the top of her arm in an effort to get her to wake up.
"Aydin." Alex screams loudly, triggering even more verbal outbursts from the inmates surrounding.
Piper stands up from her kneeling position and places both her hands onto Alex, shaking her back and forth, more violently than her previous attempt, but cautious that she doesn't hurt her or cause her any harm that will add to the monstrosity. She can feel Alex's muscles loosen and her hand reach up for Piper's, while simultaneously revealing her bright eyes to the world.
"Piper?" Alex says softly and confused, scrunching up her face.
"Hey, you're ok Alex, it's ok now." Piper let's out in barely a whisper that tickles Alex's skin as she let's the words trickle out.
"What?" Alex brings her hands up to her face, rubbing her eyes and wiping away the remnants of tears that linger.
"You were yelling in your sleep Al"
"Fuck." Alex clenches her fists, bringing them up to her forehead and opening them again, feeding her fingers viciously through her hair.
"C'mon, come to the bathroom with me. Talking only." Piper holds onto Alex's eyes with hers, confronted by the familiarity of fear that should be anything but familiar. It scares Piper more than anything in the world that recently she's seen more fear than love in Alex's eyes and it's stained Alex to the point of no return.
Alex doesn't say a thing to Piper's invitation to the bathroom. She just gets up and follows her, still beating herself up over the fact that her nightmares are becoming verbal and her struggles are being noticed.
...
Piper cups her hands under the freezing running water that's escaping the tap in the bathroom. "Here" She presses the cold water onto Alex's forehead which is still drizzled with sweat, and works the water back into Alex's hair making sure to place the loose strands behind her ears.
Alex's eyes are glazed over, trying not to let the walls break but knowing too well that they are about to come crashing down and will drown Piper with it. She's not scared of showing Piper her vulnerability. She's done it a hundred times over, but it's herself she's scared of facing. She's scared of coming to grips with how bad she has actually become. She thought she was going crazy just from the paranoia of Kubra coming to kill her, but now, she's entered a new depth of hysteria in which she feels like she's suffocating.
Alex sighs and leans her head on the wall under the basins with Piper sitting next to her, looking extremely apologetic.
"Don't beat yourself up over it. Everyone will get over it by morning" Piper says behind a forced smile. She thinks it will make Alex feel that little bit better but the second the smile is on her face, she regrets the action immediately, withdrawing it. Alex has that 'are you kidding me?' look on her face. Out of all people she doesn't need Piper acting like everyone else, trying to be cheery in an effort to bring Alex's mood up. She doesn't need that. She's never needed that. She just needs someone to be there for her and listen to her, and without asking she knows that Piper's going to do that.
"It's the fact that I can't control it. I'm so fucking out of control." Alex sends out a nervous laugh not really sure exactly how she's feeling. It's a mess, like a tornado has been let loose inside her and is tearing everything insight apart, leaving debris, everything broken and out of place. And Alex doesn't even know where to start cleaning up.
"Alex you killed someone."
Alex feels like she's just been drowned by Piper's ignorance. She doesn't know why Piper would actually think it's ok to let words like that roll out of her mouth when Alex more than well knows that she killed someone. That's what all this is about. That is why they are in this bathroom and that's why Alex yells in her sleep and can't stand the sight of blood and just wants to be held and taken to a place other than here. This isn't new news. "Oh thanks for fucking reminding me. It's not like I wanted to forget or anything" Alex mutters, annoyed and irritated.
"No, Al, what I meant was that for a person in your situation, it would be weird for you to feel in control." Piper feels herself digging her own grave, shovel in hand, scooping out giant chunks of dirt just ready to throw her body in and have Alex bury it for her.
Alex's face hardens, staring at Piper while her throat swells and her palms start sweating profusely "How would you know, are you, are you going through the same thing Piper?"
"I'm not" Piper says in a whisper, not wanting to make the situation any more heated than it already is. She didn't mean for it to get like this. For the conversation to turn into a hostile takeover rather than a comforting session where she is able to pull Alex out of her sorrows for a while. And then again Piper never means anything to turn out like it does.
"Then why do you think that your opinion is more valid than mine?" Alex's voice echoes through the bathroom at a dangerous volume, especially for the time of morning. She doesn't particularly realise though, zoned in on her target and ready to scrutinise any kind of horror that leaves her mouth.
"When did I ever say that my opinion is more valid than yours Alex? I'm just trying to help you." Piper jumps at her chance to reply, not leaving any room for Alex to say another word. The tension in the room fills the space, disintegrating the frosty air and leaving a murky, unpleasant feeling. "Did you already forget that I'm sitting next to you at two o'clock in the morning while everyone else was telling you to shut up?"
Alex stays silent, beaten in the face by the reality that she's arguing with the one person that's actually here for her. She doesn't understand why everything is so difficult to come to grips with lately. What would once be easily resolved has now turned into a standoff when it doesn't need to be. Piper just wants to help. She just fucking wants to help her.
Alex lowers her head into her lap and starts silently crying, letting the tears go where they desire "What the fuck am I doing?" She feels Piper's hand on her back, moving her fingers to the right and left of her spine in a light motion. She doesn't feel like she deserves her touch. Not after how easily she snapped at her. "I'm sorry Pipes. I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore" she muffles into her arm sleeve that's placed below her mouth, combatted by jolts of her chest seizing up when too many tears try to escape at once.
"It's ok Al, it's ok. I know I haven't been in your situation and I know that I don't know how it feels, but I'm doing my best to try and help you out of it. We will get through this together. We always do."
The silent crying turns into sobs. Torturous, painful and agonising sobs that feel like they are pulling Alex's heart in different directions and flooding her lungs with poison. "I love you Piper." Things are so messy and chaotic and it's the only thing that Alex is certain about at this point. She doesn't know if it's the lack of sleep or her emotional instability, but she just needed to say it. Like she was going to explode if it's stayed locked away for any longer. The aftermath of the tornado inside of her managed to leave the one thing Alex needed the most, and that's her love for Piper. She can't even remember the last time she said it and that scares her. It's an unspoken feeling, a connection that isn't tangible but saying the words validate it all. Saying the words make it real.
Piper goes into a form of shock. She freezes, unsure of whether she heard it correctly. Maybe she's the one still sleeping. Maybe she needs to be pinched to wake herself up. "What did you say Alex?"
Amidst the tears, Alex squeezes in a slight smile "I said I love you." Piper eyes light up like New York City lights on a dark night. She remains speechless, just staring into Alex's slicked eyes that struggle to fit in all the tears that want to come out. She watches Alex close her eyes, like it's happening in slow motion, tears roll down, trying to be the first one to the finish line.
"I love you" Piper replies, placing her fingers delicately onto Alex's skin and trickling them down ever so lightly until they turn to meet her lips. She traces over them, never really understanding the true powers they possess and the effect they have on her.
Piper leans in, moving her fingers out of the way and connecting her lips with Alex's, finding a slow rhythm that proves too easy. She feels like she's being hypnotised, like she's under some sort of spell that she can't seem to break away from. But the truth is, she doesn't want to break away. She wants to stay locked onto Alex's lips forever, tasting what she has to offer and savouring it for hours after their done.
Piper can feel the wetness of Alex's tears getting in touch with the corners of her mouth, the saltiness contrasting with the sweet taste of Alex. The taste that is all too forgiving.
Running out of breath, Piper disconnects herself, reaching for a breath of air.
"Don't" Alex says. It comes out desperate.
And Piper can sense the desperation immediately. She goes back in with more intensity, putting her warm hand up inside Alex's shirt, feeling every crevice. The soft and beautiful skin and the way Alex leans into her hand like she's all hers is enough to send Piper over the edge. Unwillingly, Piper's moans into Alex's mouth, feeling the goosebumps rise on Alex's chest immediately after like Piper's electric.
As quickly as it escalated, Piper pulls her hand out of Alex's shirt the second her ears perk up and hear the sounds of footsteps approaching the bathroom.
The footsteps don't stop, only coming closer and with more volume. Piper lurches up, bring Alex with her and nonchalantly they start washing their hands in seperate basins with no real purpose other than to look like they were doing anything other than what they actually were.
Leanne enters the bathroom and scoffs at the appearance of Alex and Piper. "I can't even go chuck a shit in peace at 2am now?" Leanne trudges past them to the furthest cubicle and opens the door, walking in.
Alex and Piper don't say a thing. They turn off the taps and proceed to wipe their hands and leave.
Leanne holds the cubicle door open, peeking her head out before she closes it "For the record Chapman, you're mid fuck moans haunt me every time I close my eyes."
Piper is all too serious, taking offence to the mockery while Alex leans over the basin trying to suppress the laughter that is escaping her mouth, knowing exactly how sensitive Piper can be.
...
After breakfast, the prisons tone still feels sticky and volatile, like at any moment all hell will break loose and another prison meltdown will unfold.
There were many gaps in the traditional cliques, Diaz, Taystee, Brandy, Skinhead Helen and Watson being just a few of the inmates absent.
Piper doesn't ask any questions. She doesn't need to know details. But she can't help formulating her own little scenarios in her head based on the inmates she didn't see at breakfast.
She does so under the wandering eyes of Red who lays in her bunk, book in hand, still wondering why Piper isn't doing a damn thing.
The non-verbalised confusion is cut in half when Lorna appears with the edges of her pants soaked in blood.
"Don't you look like a mess" Red says, closing her book and taking the glasses off her face. She pushes herself up off her bed, holding onto the pain that stabs her back.
"How would you look after you had to spend the whole night cleaning up gallons of blood?" Lorna looks down at the blood on her pants and sighs loudly.
"They made you do that." Piper rests her body against the wall behind her, ready to participate in the conversation.
"Suzanne and I. Lucky us right?"
"Jesus" Piper mumbles.
"You could literally see the imprint of the guards faces mooshed into the blood in the cafeteria. And you know what the funny part is... The bodies were taken away so quickly and the black French was left there for hours" Lorna says it in a childish way that makes it even more horrific, like she doesn't realise the impact her statement makes.
"Because we are inmates. We don't matter to them. The only time we matter is when their heads are on the line. That's the only time they ever decide to change anything around here" Red projects, loud and snappy. She's been in here long enough to see the worst of the prison and even though the inmates change and so do prison policies, the one thing that remains is the utter disconnection and disregard for the inmates. It never stops.
Lorna makes herself comfortable on Red's bed, making sure the blood on her pants doesn't touch the blankets. "We have lives too. We are people too."
"They don't see that. All they see is dead weight" Red scoffs.
Piper sighs "And if we had only taken a left turn instead of a right we wouldn't be in here."
"And neither would Alex and neither would your love affair." Lorna says, raised eyebrows and a smile swept across her face as she looks at Piper.
Piper's mind is immediately clouded with the quote 'doomed to be together'. That whole conversation with Alex basically consisted of the fact that even if they had chosen a left turn instead of a right, they would be in the exact same position. Piper wants to withdraw her previous remark, realising how wrong it was but deciding that it's too much effort for what it is."I just wished we didn't have to be prisoners."
"You think you're the only one?" Red replies, laughing as she fiddles with the glasses that hang loosely on her chest.
"Piper I don't mean to rain on your parade, but out of the three of us, you have the least to lose in here. Red's got kids, I'm married. You don't have anyone waiting outside for you."
Piper is taken back by Lorna's comment, not really expecting anything that came out of her mouth. It's the truth and she knows that, but said in such a harsh and unfiltered way makes her feel like she shouldn't even speak. Like she doesn't deserve to take part in conversations or be part of a group.
Red doesn't hesitate to give Lorna a stern, serious look that basically says 'as if you just said that', but without any words. "What Lorna means is that the one you love is in here. None of us have that except for you."
"I understand." It hits Piper like a ton of bricks. She thinks about the people on the outside. Her mom and her dad. Ever since she's been imprisoned she has never felt love from them. It's just resentment. Like she was a failure, and leaving Larry and having a girlfriend was the cherry on top of the cake that was already toppling over. And yet she's happy. When she's lost in Alex's eyes, and lips, and body, she is the happiest she's ever been in her life. And that's a big call to make, especially when Piper's in prison and things have been utterly terrible in here the past few months.
"Doesn't matter anyway. No matter how many hours we sit and wonder about this nonsense, the only thing we have left to do is wander out of here when our sentence is up and figure our shit out." Red smiles at Piper, watching her still tangled up in Lorna's comment.
"Wonder or wander, that's all it comes down to."
"Wonder or wander."