I hide cravenly in my laboratory after the graduation ceremonies, thinking to avoid her. But it's a little passive game I'm playing, because I don't even put the wards up. In the end the knock comes on the door and I know who it must be. Though our personal connection is perhaps tenuous, I have made such with no other student.
She stands in the doorway, wearing not her school robes but an attractive muggle dress. "Professor Snape. I wanted to say good-bye."
I consider merely nodding and shutting the door again, but even I have limits to my rudeness. And I tire of the game of pretending not to care. So I beckon her inside and gesture for her to sit down.
We make small talk for a bit about her post-graduation plans... apparently she'll be renting an apartment in London and applying for various positions in the Ministry of Magic. My hopes that she would somehow remain at Hogwarts are dashed, but I should have expected that.
She goes on to speak of Harry and Ron, until I finally say that I don't care to hear any more about her scrofulous little friends. I don't mean to be hurtful with that, merely honest, and she takes it in kind. She laughs and asks me what my plans are.
"Mine? Should the final leaving of a bizarre group of seventh years disrupt my life? I'll still be the Potions professor, Miss Granger, forcing unwanted knowledge into thick skulls and praying each day to be spared another Neville Longbottom."
"Neville wasn't so bad," she says, giving me a little smile as if she sees some softness in me to make her think I'll agree.
And I do agree, to an extent. "Well, I'd rather deal with profound incompetence than the grasping spawn of unrepentant Death Eaters."
She laughs again. "At least that's all over."
I sigh. "A great many things are over, Miss Granger. Perhaps not all of them for the best."
I regret this as soon as say it, having the distinct feeling that she knows I am referring to her. But she merely stands to bid me farewell, and reaches out as if to embrace me. I don't want her to force herself in that way, and I back off, putting up my hands.
When I see the hurt look in her eyes I'm not sure what to do. Can't I just pass myself off as an unfriendly bastard as usual?
"Well, am I that repulsive?" she asks. By her tone I know she is trying to joke, but there is still nothing to do now but tell the truth.
"No. It's just that I'm aware of how little you like to be touched, and I don't want you to put yourself through that."
She sits down again. "You've noticed that. I'm surprised, even Ron and Harry think I'm just a bit twitchy. Ginny knows, but that's about it."
I know better than to do this, but I have to ask. "Knows what? Did someone hurt you, Hermione?"
She seems surprised, though I'm not certain whether it is at the use of her name or the intimacy of the question.
"No," she replies eventually. "Nothing so dramatic. I've never really liked to be touched. It always made me feel invaded. As if someone else could control me, make me feel something I didn't want to."
"At first I thought maybe I could get better here at Hogwarts, where power took on a whole new definition. And I do enjoy the company of young men, and even have my little crushes, but I still never enjoyed close dancing or... or anything else. Romantic overtones made the whole problem worse, if anything. I worried even more that my feelings and sensations would be in someone else's control."
"I learned to do what I had to, even initiate contact when people expect it, and fortunately most people simply think I prefer my books to anything else. But I've said enough."
She rises once again to leave. I still can't seem to leave well enough alone.
"Hermione... you're smart enough to know that you're missing out on a whole aspect of life."
She turns then. "I would think you of all people would understand, hiding out here like you do. You don't even talk to people unless you absolutely have to, and then you're hurtful and cutting. When was the last time anybody touched you?"
She puts her hand over her mouth then, and her eyes widen.
"That... that was way out of line, Professor Snape. I'm very sorry."
"It's been a long time, in fact, Miss Granger. But if I remember correctly, I found the experience satisfactory. Does that answer your question?"
Now I've gone much too far, but she doesn't try to leave. Instead she sits down again.
"Why did you even notice?" she asks me then. "And why should you care if I'm missing something from my life?"
This is impossible to answer truthfully. I shrug and sit also.
"I'm an observant man, Miss Granger. As for the rest... perhaps I don't want everyone else to be like me, after all."
She nods. "Is it really so bad if I merely keep my body to myself? I have friends after all, I don't need romance and physical attention, really."
It surprises me to hear her dismiss an entire realm of affection so casually, but I continue.
"Your body is always your own. That's my point, in fact. But of course you're correct, and it's obviously your own choice whether you want to explore this or not. You don't need to change anything, if you are happy this way."
She looks at the ground and murmurs, "Usually I am, but even I wonder what it would be like, sometimes. To be loved physically, in any way."
We're on dangerous ground indeed.
"There are books, Miss Granger. You like books."
"I don't think a spell or a potion will help me with this, or if it would I might regret it."
I smile. "No, I wouldn't suggest that either. I was referring to muggle books, actually. Works about fears and psychology. And there are works in both worlds about sensuality, if you want to take it that far."
She's blushing now, and I stop talking. She waits, clearly gathering her nerve to say something, and finally the words spill out.
"We've never talked like this before, Professor, and I don't like thinking we'll never talk again."
"Perhaps you'll visit your old alma mater someday then. I imagine I'll still be here; I have a few good years left in me I suppose."
She shakes her head. "You've been actually sensitive to me. I want... I want to follow up somehow."
She waves her wand to conjure up a piece of parchment and a quill.
"Here, this is my address in London, and my phone... oh how could I forget you don't have a phone? Use the floo then, or whatever you prefer."
"Miss Granger, you do, as you said, already have your own friends. I'm really not certain what you expect me to..."
She cuts me off. "If you want to act like you don't give a damn about me after all, go ahead. But keep this, just in case."
She holds out the paper and I take it. She doesn't let go and I watch our hands nearly touch as we both grip the parchment. Finally she lets go.
"I will keep this, Hermione," I say then, and she breaks eye contact with me and leaves.
As I put the parchment in my desk I cast a memorization spell on the contents. I can't think what flimsy excuse I will come up with to contact a former student but I can only hope that the time for excuses is past.
(A.N. Thank you very much for all the reviews and kind words. I hope you enjoyed this second chapter; there will be a third last chapter coming soon.)
She stands in the doorway, wearing not her school robes but an attractive muggle dress. "Professor Snape. I wanted to say good-bye."
I consider merely nodding and shutting the door again, but even I have limits to my rudeness. And I tire of the game of pretending not to care. So I beckon her inside and gesture for her to sit down.
We make small talk for a bit about her post-graduation plans... apparently she'll be renting an apartment in London and applying for various positions in the Ministry of Magic. My hopes that she would somehow remain at Hogwarts are dashed, but I should have expected that.
She goes on to speak of Harry and Ron, until I finally say that I don't care to hear any more about her scrofulous little friends. I don't mean to be hurtful with that, merely honest, and she takes it in kind. She laughs and asks me what my plans are.
"Mine? Should the final leaving of a bizarre group of seventh years disrupt my life? I'll still be the Potions professor, Miss Granger, forcing unwanted knowledge into thick skulls and praying each day to be spared another Neville Longbottom."
"Neville wasn't so bad," she says, giving me a little smile as if she sees some softness in me to make her think I'll agree.
And I do agree, to an extent. "Well, I'd rather deal with profound incompetence than the grasping spawn of unrepentant Death Eaters."
She laughs again. "At least that's all over."
I sigh. "A great many things are over, Miss Granger. Perhaps not all of them for the best."
I regret this as soon as say it, having the distinct feeling that she knows I am referring to her. But she merely stands to bid me farewell, and reaches out as if to embrace me. I don't want her to force herself in that way, and I back off, putting up my hands.
When I see the hurt look in her eyes I'm not sure what to do. Can't I just pass myself off as an unfriendly bastard as usual?
"Well, am I that repulsive?" she asks. By her tone I know she is trying to joke, but there is still nothing to do now but tell the truth.
"No. It's just that I'm aware of how little you like to be touched, and I don't want you to put yourself through that."
She sits down again. "You've noticed that. I'm surprised, even Ron and Harry think I'm just a bit twitchy. Ginny knows, but that's about it."
I know better than to do this, but I have to ask. "Knows what? Did someone hurt you, Hermione?"
She seems surprised, though I'm not certain whether it is at the use of her name or the intimacy of the question.
"No," she replies eventually. "Nothing so dramatic. I've never really liked to be touched. It always made me feel invaded. As if someone else could control me, make me feel something I didn't want to."
"At first I thought maybe I could get better here at Hogwarts, where power took on a whole new definition. And I do enjoy the company of young men, and even have my little crushes, but I still never enjoyed close dancing or... or anything else. Romantic overtones made the whole problem worse, if anything. I worried even more that my feelings and sensations would be in someone else's control."
"I learned to do what I had to, even initiate contact when people expect it, and fortunately most people simply think I prefer my books to anything else. But I've said enough."
She rises once again to leave. I still can't seem to leave well enough alone.
"Hermione... you're smart enough to know that you're missing out on a whole aspect of life."
She turns then. "I would think you of all people would understand, hiding out here like you do. You don't even talk to people unless you absolutely have to, and then you're hurtful and cutting. When was the last time anybody touched you?"
She puts her hand over her mouth then, and her eyes widen.
"That... that was way out of line, Professor Snape. I'm very sorry."
"It's been a long time, in fact, Miss Granger. But if I remember correctly, I found the experience satisfactory. Does that answer your question?"
Now I've gone much too far, but she doesn't try to leave. Instead she sits down again.
"Why did you even notice?" she asks me then. "And why should you care if I'm missing something from my life?"
This is impossible to answer truthfully. I shrug and sit also.
"I'm an observant man, Miss Granger. As for the rest... perhaps I don't want everyone else to be like me, after all."
She nods. "Is it really so bad if I merely keep my body to myself? I have friends after all, I don't need romance and physical attention, really."
It surprises me to hear her dismiss an entire realm of affection so casually, but I continue.
"Your body is always your own. That's my point, in fact. But of course you're correct, and it's obviously your own choice whether you want to explore this or not. You don't need to change anything, if you are happy this way."
She looks at the ground and murmurs, "Usually I am, but even I wonder what it would be like, sometimes. To be loved physically, in any way."
We're on dangerous ground indeed.
"There are books, Miss Granger. You like books."
"I don't think a spell or a potion will help me with this, or if it would I might regret it."
I smile. "No, I wouldn't suggest that either. I was referring to muggle books, actually. Works about fears and psychology. And there are works in both worlds about sensuality, if you want to take it that far."
She's blushing now, and I stop talking. She waits, clearly gathering her nerve to say something, and finally the words spill out.
"We've never talked like this before, Professor, and I don't like thinking we'll never talk again."
"Perhaps you'll visit your old alma mater someday then. I imagine I'll still be here; I have a few good years left in me I suppose."
She shakes her head. "You've been actually sensitive to me. I want... I want to follow up somehow."
She waves her wand to conjure up a piece of parchment and a quill.
"Here, this is my address in London, and my phone... oh how could I forget you don't have a phone? Use the floo then, or whatever you prefer."
"Miss Granger, you do, as you said, already have your own friends. I'm really not certain what you expect me to..."
She cuts me off. "If you want to act like you don't give a damn about me after all, go ahead. But keep this, just in case."
She holds out the paper and I take it. She doesn't let go and I watch our hands nearly touch as we both grip the parchment. Finally she lets go.
"I will keep this, Hermione," I say then, and she breaks eye contact with me and leaves.
As I put the parchment in my desk I cast a memorization spell on the contents. I can't think what flimsy excuse I will come up with to contact a former student but I can only hope that the time for excuses is past.
(A.N. Thank you very much for all the reviews and kind words. I hope you enjoyed this second chapter; there will be a third last chapter coming soon.)