A/N: Shikamaru always speaks in 1st person; everyone else is in 3rd person limited. There is a very specific reason for this weird POV style, one which I can't tell you until the story is over.
The night after graduation
The Konoha Shinobi Academy
Emergency post-year end conference meeting
"What the heck are we going to do?" Iruka Umino whined, banging his head against the table.
"Naruto Uzumaki finally passed, so now at least you won't have to deal with a two-man team," Genma mentioned unhelpfully. Especially since he had been the one to pass the little squirt in the first place. God, what had he been thinking?
Oh, right. The Multi-Shadow Clone technique.
Damn.
"This is the most dysfunctional graduating class I've ever had," Iruka groaned. "I can't put either Ino or Sakura, or any of the girls with Sasuke – I've seen the way they run after him in class, and that's justcruel. Not to mention it would cause a highly disruptive team dynamic, and we can't have anyone getting hurt just because someone was too busy ogling someone else!...but then we have to have one girl on each team. It's a perfect fit this year. Nine girls, eighteen boys. That's a two to one ratio, and we can't mess it up, or the teams will be unbalanced. People will complain."
"More like you will complain, Mr. OCD," Genma muttered under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing!"
"What about Hinata Hyuga? She's quiet. I don't think I've seen her run around after Sasuke like the other girls do," Daikoku suggested.
That seemed to placate Iruka somewhat, and he drew a line between Sasuke Uchiha and Hinata Hyuga. "But wait – that's two dojutsu wielders on the same team – won't that be unfair?"
"What choice do we have?" Daikoku asked. "If it's as you say, then this is the best solution. Would you rather put the Last Uchiha with Hinata Hyuga, or some rabid fangirl?"
Right. He had a point there. Anyway, the other teams would end up with clan heirs, too. This entire year was full of clan heirs. What the hell were they all thinking, getting their wives pregnant all at the exact same time? Good God! It was a conspiracy!
Iruka sighed. "That still leaves the whole 'class genius'/'dead last' issue…in an ideal situation, we're supposed to put Naruto Uzumaki on Sasuke Uchiha's team, and make them our frontline combat team. That's how it's always done. But this year, our Nara student was actually willing to pick up his pencil to take his tests – " there was a sarcastic giggle among the crowd of shinobi, which Iruka ignored – "sohe's at the top of the class instead. Which means we can't have a repeat of the Ino-Shika-Cho trio, which is a shame, because that's the most successful Capture and Interrogation team format we've had, ever. But we can't put Naruto with anyone but Shikamaru, because, once again, we have to make things fair. We could try to preserve Ino-Shika-Cho, but that might lead to that whole team imbalance issue again. Which one's more important?"
"I'd say team balance over Ino-Shika-Cho," Aoba said, pushing up his glasses with his pinky. "It's not the end of the world. Shikamaru will be good for Naruto. He's intelligent and responsible, but he also has a rather even temper. He's one of the few people who doesn't make fun of the kid, apart from Choji and Shino. If you put him with Sasuke, they'd do nothing but fight all the time. You'll notice that even though Shikamaru's at the top of the class, it's Sasuke who Naruto picks fights with all the time."
"I guess that works…" Iruka sighed. "So that leaves the other ladies. Sakura and Ino."
"I'd advise against putting Sakura on Naruto's team. Naruto as a crush on Sakura, but Sakura absolutely hates Naruto. She can be very cutting with her words, and sometimes she hits him. It would disrupt team dynamics very badly," Suzume said. "Ino is a childhood friend of Shikamaru, and while she doesn't like Naruto at all that much, she can tolerate him much better than Sakura would. Anyway, you've got two-thirds of Ino-Shika-Cho there. Naruto is no Akimichi, but with the right training he might grow up to be a decent brawler, which would fit that particular role in this team combination. It'll be good for the kids to take a step away from their parents, anyway. It'd be a different thing if Ino-Shika-Cho was something running for multiple generations, but that had only been once. No need to start tradition and doom the rest of their grandkids to the same team for the rest of their lives."
"Don't you feel a little bad, cutting Choji out of the equation, though?" Genma asked, taking the senbon out of his mouth. Then he shrugged. "Whatever. You're the one delivering the list to the Hokage, not me. He can talk to the Akimichi if they raise any questions."
"I guess we'll put Choji with Sasuke and Hinata?" Iruka asked. "Choji has a pretty even temper, too. He'll be good for Sasuke – that boy raised some major red flags on his last psych report, by the way. Which leaves…Shino and Kiba with Sakura. That's as fair as I can make it. All the other teams will stay as is."
"Sounds good," Suzume said. "So now…traditionally the class genius/dead last combination goes to the frontline battle team, but this year that's our capture and interrogation team. Frontline battle will have to be Sasuke, Hinata, and Choji – which is good; they're all well-suited for that fact since they have strong taijutsu backgrounds. And then the intel team will do well with just Shino and Kiba. Sadly, Sakura doesn't have any dojutsu, but if we put that team with Kurenai Yuuhi…she might be able to pass on a few genjutsu or two."
Iruka hastily scribbled down the suggestions. God, he was getting too old for this. So what if he was only twenty-two? They didn't pay him enough for this sort of stress, dammit! He deserved a good night's rest after the Mizuki incident, but no, he just had to go and promote Naruto, meaning that all of this team assignment business had to be scrapped and thrown back together from scratch. Stupid, stupid him.
"Sakura is a natural at chakra control. Yes, that would be a good fit. But…what of the other two teams? Seven and ten?" Daikoku mumbled, tapping his chin. "We can't fail any of those three teams – seven, eight, and ten. They're all of the clan children, for Kami's sake. We'll have to put Sasuke with Kakashi, since he's the only Sharingan wielder left…but then the class genius/dead last combination is traditionally taught by a member of the previous Team 7…but then this year it's a little different, since our frontline team no longer fits that qualification…"
"But Hatake always fails all of his teams," Genma pointed out. "You know, that whole entire 'teamwork' test dating back to the First Hokage?"
"He what?" Iruka asked.
"He's failed every single team he's ever gotten, because none of them could work together," Genma said.
"Well, that's an issue," Iruka mumbled. "Sasuke's biggest problem is working in a team."
"We can't just fail the Last Uchiha," Suzume said.
"We could put Ino-Shika-Na with him, and see how it works out?" Aoba suggested. "I mean, if any team is going to work together well enough to pass that test, it has got to be them. Naruto isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean, but Shikamaru and Ino will be able to pull him through, and they know plenty about teamwork…Kakashi's got to get a team sooner or later. We can't let a guy as overpowered as he is go through his whole life without getting even one student. Plus, Hatake's a former ANBU - I'd say he's more qualified to teach a tracker/retrieval team than Asuma. Asuma's always been more fit for frontline fighting anyway."
"But the whole Sharingan thing…Arrrgh!" Iruka threw down his pen in frustration.
"Look, Sasuke doesn't have a Sharingan yet. When he finally develops it, we'll just make Hatake tutor him in private, if need be. That way there's no accusations of favoritism within a team," Aoba said. "Problem solved. Anyway, most Uchihas didn't really need someone to teach them to use their eyes. They all just kind of figured it out themselves, right? I think Sasuke will be fine, regardless of if he has someone to teach him how to use his eyes or not. Right now his biggest problem is teamwork, and Asuma's supposed to be good with that, yes?"
Iruka rubbed his head. "Fine. Team Ten goes to Asuma, and Team Seven goes to Kakashi. Anything else? Because I swear to god – "
"Good thing that worked out," Genma grinned, "because I actually overheard Hatake telling the Hokage – well, demanding, more like – that he wanted the Uzumaki kid on his team."
"What? That Uzumaki?" Suzume gasped.
"There's only one," Genma shrugged.
"Whoa. Stop right there. You said he wanted Naruto Uzumaki on his team?"
"Why him of all people, though?" Suzume asked. "You'd think he'd be begging for someone else closer to his level…like, Shikamaru or Sasuke. Naruto, really? Why?"
"Beats me," Genma shrugged. "This is just hearsay. I don't know the whole context. Apparently everything anyone knows about that guy is solely between him and Sandaime-sama. All I know is that for some reason he wants to have a chance to test Naruto, and he won't stand for it otherwise. And you know what? The Hokage actually gave in! Well, not really, since he said it was up to the Academy teachers to assign teams and teachers, but he also implied that he'd turn a blind eye to whatever other strings he might pull in order to get, you know, the kid on his team. And Hatake has his hands wrapped around a lotof strings; believe me."
"AND YOU NEVER SAW FIT TO TELL ME THAT WE MIGHT HAVE TO START OVER JUST TO APPEASE THIS JERKASS UNTIL AFTER WE ASSIGNED THESE TEAMS?" Iruka exploded.
"Can he really do something like that? You know, demand certain students?"
"Formally, I don't think so, but this is Kakashi Hatake we're talking about. That guy can passive-aggressive bitch his way out of anything."
"You don't think it's because of the you-know-what…?"
"That would be a good reason to run away, not get even closer."
"Remember, though, this is Kakashi Hatake. He's messed up enough as it is. Isn't that what weirdoes like him do? Go running after danger? 'Sides, the kid's not that dangerous, really, barring the whole pranking people thing."
"All right, all right, already! Enough!" Iruka yelled over the din, picking up the pen and rewriting the final draft of the team list. "Here's the last edition, and no more edits, or I swear to god I will find you andmurder you in your sleep!…ahem. Anyway…Team One will be…"
"…Team Seven: Shikamaru Nara, Ino Yamanaka, and Naruto Uzumaki, under Kakashi Hatake. Team Eight: Shino Aburame, Sakura Haruno, and Kiba Inuzaka. Your sensei will be Kurenai Yuuhi. Team Ten: Sasuke Uchiha, Hinata Hyuga, and Choji Akimichi, and you will be working with Asuma Sarutobi." Iruka threw down the clipboard in finality, completely ignoring the outraged gasps of all the girls who didn't get to be with their precious Sasuke-kun. He had wasted too many hours of sleep trying to make these team assignments perfect, dammit, and he was not going to go back and fix any of it just to placate some whiny preteens.
"Iruka-sensei, why can't I be with Sasuke-kuuun~"
"BECAUSE I ALREADY WASTED TOO MANY HOURS OF SLEEP TRYING TO MAKE THESE TEAM ASSIGNMENTS PERFECT, DAMMIT, AND I AM NOT GOING TO GO BACK AND FIX ANY OF IT JUST TO PLACATE SOME WHINY PRETEENS!" he yelled.
Stunned silence.
Hah. For once they finally all shut up. He cleared his throat.
"That's it for today, folks. Your new teachers will meet with you after the lunch break. I'll have a rooms list posted on the doors by then."
He neglected to tell them that two-thirds of them would probably be destined for cannon fodder oblivion instead of actually training to be an elite team underneath some famed Jonin, but oh well. Some things in the shinobi world had to be learned the hard way, and this was just the beginning.
Kakashi Hatake was having a good day. A very good day. He was about to meet three new cute little genin, as Sandaime-sama made him do every year, nice and impressionable and perfect for terrorizing. As Ibiki always made clear, words were as much of a weapon as any steel blade, and it was amazing what a few words here or there could do to supposedly "trained" ninja.
Then he remembered that this year, of the three kids he was stuck with (or rather, they were stuck with him – if they passed), the first was a certified genius, the second was the sole heir to a clan of mind-readers, and the third was the jinchuuriki of the Nine-Tailed Fox and his dead sensei's son to boot.
On second thought, maybe this lot might be more difficult to fool than the others.
A shame he hadn't gotten Obito's (fourth? fifth? eighth?) cousin, too, but maybe that was for the best. From Sasuke's psych evaluation, the boy would have been a massive pain in the posterior to deal with. It was scarily similar to his own, when he had been at the same age, actually. (Now, he was still just as messed up, but at least he knew how to deal with it better – with smiles both real and false at the few people he dared to let into his sadly limited friendship circle.)
Perhaps that was why it was a bad idea – they were too similar, and that definitely wouldn't work out. The boy could learn a thing or two from a mellow guy like Asuma. Kakashi shuddered to think at how he might have turned out, if he had landed a sensei as cold-hearted as he was – say, Orochimaru – instead of bright-and-smiley-never-angry Minato Namikaze.
Oh, well. No time to think depressing thoughts right now. He was about to meet some rather sensitive youngsters, and apparently you weren't supposed to scare them with stories of death or PTSD until after it was already too late for them to quit.
He wondered how they would deal, when the time finally came.
"YOU'RE LATE!"
Oh, was he? Hmmm…he was supposed to meet them at…when did they say he was supposed to meet them? He actually didn't remember.
The girl – Yamanaka's daughter, Ino – was the one yelling. Shikamaru Nara was just giving him a quiet, vaguely disappointed look, the same one Shikaku Nara often gave to the desk Chunin when he thought that they were being particularly exasperating or stupid. And Naruto was unusually quiet…ah, he was trapped in Shikamaru's shadow. That explained things.
"He was just about to prank you for being late," Shikamaru somehow managed to explain calmly while clearly demonstrating just exactly how pissed off he was. Ah, good. Kakashi was very fond of pissing people off. "Something with the eraser."
"Booby trap!" Naruto insisted. "It's called a booby trap! And I was just testing him!"
"If he fell for something like that, it would be on purpose," Shikamaru sighed, slowly letting go of Naruto.
Shit. Tricking these kids would be harder than he thought.
"Maa, maa, no need for that sort of behavior right now," he waved a hand airily. "Meet me up on the roof in five, yes?"
It would take them longer than five minutes to get up to the roof, he knew. He always asked his teams to meet him in this particular room because the stairs to the roof were on the other side of the school building. Unless they already knew shunshin. Or –
"We climbed up the side of the building," Shikamaru explained, swinging a leg over the side of the railing. "The stairs were too far away to make it in five minutes. Unless you planned this?"
Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Climbed?"
"I did, because I'm that awesome!" Naruto yelled, jumping over and leaving a shaking tree in his wake. "But I think those two cheated. They had tape or something on their hands." He started to brush the twigs and leaves out of his hair.
"Chakra," Ino said.
Naruto paused, one hand halfway to his sandal, where several leaves had embedded themselves underneath his toes. "What's that?"
"You don't know what chakra is?" Ino slumped, one eyebrow raised exasperatedly.
Kakashi leaned forward pinched the bridge of his nose.
Oh, sensei, have mercy on my soul…
"It's that…thing…stuff…" Naruto made vague waving motions with his hands, "…right?"
Ino dropped her face into her hands. "Spiritual energy! It's the spiritual energy that all shinobi have! It's what you use to do jutsu! You'd know if you actually showed up to class instead of ditching school and playing pranks!"
Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly.
"I guess that's one thing we'll have to teach him ASAP," Shikamaru shrugged.
Oh, good. They're thinking as a team already.
Ino looked ready to cry, but she didn't say anything. She didn't seem to begrudge Naruto for not knowing how to chakra walk – no one except for clan children learned before graduating from the Academy (although they should, in Kakashi's very justified opinion!) – as much as the fact that he didn't know what chakra even was. Kakashi didn't blame her. In the exact same situation he would have been ten times worse. Obito, at the very least, had had a passable knowledge of the Academy curriculum; he was just clumsy. Also, he had that annoying habit of thinking with his heart instead of his head. But, you know. At least he knew what chakra was.
"Yeah, but, like, what is chakra?" Naruto scratched his head.
"Naruto, I just told you!" Ino screeched.
"I know that," Naruto said, "but what is it? 'Cause, you know, how fire is, well, fire…and then Iruka-sensei said something about the sun's rays being electonetic or whatever – "
"Eletromagnetic radiation," Shikamaru supplied.
"Yeah, that," Naruto said. "And then when you drop an apple, that's gravity, and then when I kick something, that's…uh…mech...uh..."
"Mechanical energy."
"Sure. Whatever. And then chemicals are like chemical energy, right? So what's chakra?"
Shikamaru blinked. Once. Twice.
Even Ino (Screechy, as he had privately nicknamed her) seemed at a loss for words.
Kakashi, on the other hand, had an answer ready. "Chakra, my dear student, is chakratic energy."
They all blinked at him.
"...What?"
"...You just pulled that answer out of your ass, didn't you," Ino deadpanned.
Kakashi chose to respond to that by changing the subject. "Right, so, I'm sure you all already know who I am, so how about you introduce yourselves, since I don't really know much about any of you."
"What do you want us to tell you?" Ino asked.
"How about you tell us what you already know about us, and we'll fill in the gaps," Shikamaru suggested.
"But I don't know anything about you," Kakashi said.
"You probably already know our names, heights and weights, grades, and that sort of thing from the Academy files. They give those to you, right?" Shikamaru asked. "And you kind of know our personalities, too, from that earlier interaction. What else have you deduced about us?"
"Humor me," Kakashi grinned. Except no one could really see it underneath the mask.
Ino narrowed her eyes. "Why don't you go first. You look kind of sketchy."
Him? Sketchy? Really? Ah, well, he supposed so. People often told him he looked like some sort of burglar. Except that the clever ones normally didn't wear masks and actually liked to rob houses in the middle of the day while posing as delivery men and such instead of actual, well, burglars. He should know; he had been on quite a few lockpicking missions.
"My name is Kakashi Hatake," he drawled. "I like some things. I dislike some things."
"What sort of things?" Shikamaru interrupted.
"Stuff."
"And what sort of stuff?"
"Things." He silently giggled to himself. He could play this game for hours. He had played this game for hours, actually. With both Ibiki and Inoichi. And he had won, too. Now that had been just incrediblefun.
Shikamaru glared at him, then sighed. "Go on."
Aw. Boring. Oh, well. "My hobbies? I have a few hobbies, I suppose. Dreams for the future? I don't feel like telling you that. Right, your turn!"
Ino sighed.
"Ooh! Ooh! Me first! Me first!" Naruto bounced up and down, like an excited puppy. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I like cup ramen! I dislike the three minutes you have to wait while the ramen cooks! I dream to be the next Hokage! And my hobbies are – my hobbies are – " he trailed off, pausing. "Pranks, I guess."
Ino gave him the look. One that said, did you really just give out all this personal information to the same guy that refused to tell you anything?
"We can sit here all day," Kakashi said, "or you guys can be smart like him and just get it over with."
"I don't think it's fair that you're not telling us anything!" Ino protested. "Look, I know you're a Jonin and I'm a Genin, but we're all Konoha shinobi on the same team and my dad always said that teammates should know each other! And if you're not going to give us anything about you then…that's not fair!" she repeated.
Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Look. I did tell you the truth. At this point in my career, I don't have very many likes, dislikes, hobbies, or dreams for the future, unless you count staying alive and hoping that another secret war doesn't break out," he told her cheerfully, injecting as much sarcasm into his words as possible. "Anyway…while you're technically legal adults, capable of making your own decisions as shinobi of Konoha…you're still not allowed to drink or do other special things until you're older. So I can't tell you about any of that, or the Hokage will call me in and lecture me and give me a slap on the wrist, and I really don't like getting slapped on the wrist. So go ahead. Tell me about what you do for fun. Maybe I'm looking for suggestions for self-improvement, and so far I don't think 'pranks' is proper behavior for someone of my rank."
At this, both Ino and Shikamaru raised their eyebrows at him dubiously. Ah. Evidently, their parents had told them many a horror story about the Fearsome Kakashi Hatake, Scourge of the Desk Chunin Everywhere.
"And if they were, they'd be subtle enough that everyone knew it was me but no one would be able to prove it," he added.
"All right," the girl sighed, giving in. "I'm Ino Yamanaka. I like…" Insert blush. "…umm…my friends. And I dislike bullies and…" her eyes narrowed, "…people who abandon their friends." Kakashi raised an eyebrow, before remembering the notes in her file – Used to be best friends with Sakura Haruno (Team 8), then suddenly became bitter enemies starting 6th year. Link to Sasuke Uchiha (Team 10) suspected. Keep all three of them away from each other until they've finished puberty. Her fists unclenched. "My hobbies are reading and arranging flowers and keeping up with the latest fashions. And I don't know exactly what I want to do yet, but I hope to be like my dad. Better, even."
"And I'm Shikamaru Nara. I like the weather here. I dislike it when people are ridiculously late and waste others' time." Kakashi's grin underneath his mask grew even wider at that. "As for hobbies, I like to read and play board games with my dad. And I don't know what I want to do in the future, either, but I suppose it'll be like my dad, too."
"Well, excellent," Kakashi clapped his hands together. "You have your own distinct interests and personalities. Now, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Bad news first! Always bad news first!" Ino exclaimed.
"Right. Well, I have to tell you that of the twenty-seven that made it out of the Academy, only nine actually become Genin – at the discretion of their Jonin instructor, who is to give them all a second exam."
"What?" Ino shrieked. God, she was loud. "Then what was the final exam for?"
Kakashi leaned his head on his hand. "That was to sort out the kids who actually had a chance of passing. Basic skills and such. I get to decide if I want you as my students or not."
"When you say nine out of twenty-seven," Shikamaru asked, "do you mean nine out of twenty-seven, or three teams of three out of nine teams of three? Because I distinctly remember Iruka-sensei complaining that he had spent an inordinate amount of effort trying to balance all the teams out, and that there was no way he was going to do any of that again, so…"
And there went the whole premise of his test.
Damn, that kid was inconveniently clever. Stupid Naras.
He chose to respond to that statement with one of his so-called "infuriating" half-smiles.
"Oi, sensei! What's the good news, then?" Naruto yelled.
"Oh, that? You won't have to take that test until tomorrow. 5 A.M. at Training Ground 3. Don't eat breakfast; you'll throw up. Sweet dreams, everyone!"
And he popped out of their sight, the indignant screams of the Yamanaka girl still ringing in his sensitive ears.
He so loved getting people angry.