The Morning After
Checklists
By Pat Squared
Synopsis: Konoha's newest chunins Konohamaru Sarutobi and Hanabi Hyuga celebrated their promotions to chunin with a couple bottles of sake and a romp in motel room. The pair woke up with a hangover and a little problem – Impending parenthood.
As the old Hyuga expression goes, "Having a baby is easy…it is dealing with the fathers that is hard." Another generation is going to have first hand confirmation of the validity of the saying.
It is a little known fact that ninjas are really like other people. Sure you have Guy-sensei and his mini-me, Rock Lee, running around, screaming about youth, and casting the infamous sunset no jutsu on unsuspecting victims. Kakashi can be seen walking around with his orange covered Icha Icha, giggling pervertedly. Anko could be seen eating dango while using her snake summons to keep her prank pulling kids under control [Two boys and two girls who from the crib wished to beat Uncle Naruto's and Iruka's (their father) pranking records. However, for all their eccentricities, ninja seek some level of predictability in a very chaotic world.
Perhaps with the exception of Naruto Uzumaki, Konoha's number one unpredictable ninja, and his rival-disciple, Konohamaru Sarutobi – all ninjas learned to develop methods to make their lives more predictable. The first step is to make a plan. The second step is to make a checklist.
Every ninja has a checklist. Some are simple. Maito Gai-sensei's checklist was to make sure he spread the power of youth to everyone he sees. Tsunade wanted to make sure that there was a bottle of sake nearby. Shizune's checklist was to ensure there was no sake in the hokage's office. Some checklists are more complex.
Hanabi Hyuga loved predictability. She hated uncertainty. Checklists provided a certain sense of control over her future. In a way, she envied her sister. Since everyone in the clan saw Hinata as a failure, they transferred all their expectations upon Hanabi. They groomed Hanabi to be the next head of the clan. They decided everything for her. Her clothes, her food, everything was out of her control. Somewhere in the Hyuga vaults there probability was a schedule for everything, up to and including her death and cremation.
There was talk about marrying her off once she made jonin. Then father would finish her training in trade and money lending. The Hyuga main family were the closest thing to royalty in the ninja world. The Uchiha clan was now represented by Sai, a bastard child born out of a rape. Once Lady Tsunade passed, the Senju clan would be cease to be. For a clan that was on the brink of being wiped out by the Uchiha three centuries ago, the Hyuga clan was now the most powerful, and the most wealthy clan. They did not need thugs to shut down a nation's economy. All the Hyuga had to do was deny credit or simply raise interest rates. Those who fight the Hyuga were not only physically defeated, but economically wiped out.
Being Hyuga-hime, there were no surprises. Wake up at five. Morning exercise till seven thirty. Breakfast at eight. Team meeting at nine. If no missions, team training until five with an hour's break for lunch at one. Dinner at eight. Bed by nine thirty.
Hanabi hated it all. Behind the impassive Hyuga face and the stick up the ass patented Hyuga demeanor was a budding anarchist who envied the orange jumpsuit wearing future hokage. She knew exactly why Itachi Uchiha went postal and killed off the Uchiha clan years ago. It was not some mission from the hokage and counsel. He just decided to take back control of his life.
Hanabi had her plans…as part of her plans, she had her checklists. She was slowly taking control over the small things. It was tough – It took three years before father would let her pick her own clothing and ninja gear. She was not allowed to enter the academy for two years until the elders pointed out that the clan head had to be a jonin. It took five before they would let her go to the public onsen (bath house) without an escort. Her next goal was to pick a suitable consort before the clan elders would try to marry her off to the third son of the Fire Dynamo. She was not going to get married to boy who at age five tricked her into eating his bugger.
The events of the morning destroyed her plans. Prior to this, the next step was to select the lucky consort and groom him in such a way that he would not figure it out until it was too late. Why let him worry. His worrying would only make her life harder and give her another headache.
Selecting a consort was a very important task for any Hyuga. A Hyuga's consort had to be of good lineage, be strong, be well endowed, have a lot of stamina, and be willing to follow his wife's every demand. Generations of Hyuga women were taught the art of pussy whipping their mates. Many of them could and would given professional dominatrix pointers on taming slaves.
Looking at the father of her future child, Hanabi knew that she was already behind schedule. Hyuga women taught their daughters to pussy whip their mates for a couple years before letting them into their pants. Even though mother died when she was born, mom left her girls a husband training kit. Hanabi did not even have a chance to use the patented Hyuga puppy-dog eyes let alone the cat-o-nine tails or paddles. Even her sister had her husband whipped before letting him into her pants. If the other Hyuga women found out…they would laugh at her. In a Hyuga family where the bird cage seals no longer worked as a pain deliverance device on the branch family…They were all going to have a field day laughing at the stupid heir who forget the Hyuga female creed, husbands have to be beg and crawl first. No, it was get drink, have sex, and get knock up like a tramp at a bar.
Pluses – The Sarutobi family had powerful ninjas, including a hokage, even though there was no bloodline. Konohamaru was the eldest male of the Sarutobi clan, technically placing him on the same ranking as her father as a clan head. The Sarutobi Clan had some money, more than most, but not as much as the Hyuga. The Sarutobi Clan jutsu scrolls had every jutsu known by every Konoha nin save the Yondamine's Flying Thunder God Technique, secret clan techniques, and techniques requiring bloodlines. Konohamaru had a reputation for never failing a mission and having the will of fire. Konohamaru had a strong fire affinity and elite jonin chakra levels. Only Naruto had more chakra at his disposal. Also, he was the most endowed male in her academy class, a quick learner in bed, and had enough energy to survive several sessions last night. If father was not going to ensure that he will never rise to the occasion again, she would keep him for his endurance – her aunts and female cousins always complain about men being all talk and having no endurance when it counts.
Negatives – It was Konohamaru, Naruto's mini-me. Konohamaru could call upon a couple hundred jutsu, courtesy of Ebisu and the Sarutobi family jutsu scrolls, but it seems that all he used was the harem no jutsu, kage bushin, kage shuriken no jutsu, kawarmi, rasegan, kyuchiyose – Enkouko Erma (Demon monkey king summoning), oiroke no jutsu (sexy jutsu), Oiroke: Onnanoko Dōshi no Jutsu (Sexy girl on girl technique), Oiroke: Otokonoko Dōshi no Jutsu (Sexy – boy on boy technique), the Thousand Years of Death, and the occasional fire jutsu. Sure, it was more than she ever used – but it was perverted…more perverted than all the Icha Icha books combined. He ended more of his sentences with kore! If her child ended up a pervert, she knew exactly where it came from – Damn Sarutobis.
Now Hanabi had to plan a new checklist. She thought it through really hard. After an hour, here it was.
(1) Get one last ride – it was not like she would not get anymore pregnant.
(2) Preserve Hanabi's dignity at all cost.
(3) Talk to Hinata and Tenten about what to expect when being pregnant.
(4) Have Konohamaru talk to father.
(5) Watch father beat the stuffing out of Konohamaru.
(6) Do not forget the video camera and the popcorn.
(7) If he survives, intact, get him whipped.
While Hanabi was making sure her video camera was charged and has a blank tape, Konohamaru was laying on the floor praying that this was a nightmare. He could not breathe, the tightness in his chest was screaming heart attack. Of all the girls in the world, he got a Hyuga pregnant. There were rumors of what happened to boys who knock up a Hyuga girl. One touch and no amount of extra strength Viagra could get it up again. Konohamaru was trying to come up with a plan, but the plan was not pulling together. The best he could come up with was:
(1) Talk to Naruto – Scratch that – This was his sister in law. Hinata may be the quiet type, but she will just give Naruto those eyes and he will drag me to Hanabi's old man. Damn Hyuga puppy dog eyes…note – must not look at Hanabi's eyes or she will make me go and tell daddy.
(2) If cornered by her dad use the harem no jutsu, throw a flash bang, and start running.
(3) Keep running until he falls off the end of the earth, because there was no escaping the Hyuga debt collection teams. Even Tsunade would not think of trying to run away from a Hyuga debt collector.
(4) If her father catches and hits me with that strike, resign myself to having to commit seppuku because Little Konohamaru will never rise to action again.
(5) Buy that 65-million ryo life insurance policy they tried to sell me last week and prepare my will.
(6) Might as well try to tap that girl again – It might just be the last thing I will ever do.
Konohamaru tried to recall all the sex from last night. He recalled that Hanabi loved bitting, scratching, and being very vocal. It was said that Hyuga women had three bloodlines – The all seeing eye, a body that could compete with any oiroke no jutsu, and an insatiable appetite for sex. Maybe, he may get lucky again. It was not like she could get anymore pregnant and those about to be execute get a last wish before their execution.
Konohamaru wondered what his grandfather, father, and Uncle Asuma would say when he would show up in the afterlife. They would cheer his only success then beat the shit out of him for leaving the clan to his two-year-old cousin, Ayume. He went over the checklist of his life.
(1) Graduate from the academy, check.
(2) Make chunin, check.
(3) Make jonin, nope.
(4) Settle down, get married, and have a family, nope, nope, technically one third of a checkmark.
(5) Become hokage, nope.
(6) Beat Big Brother Naruto in a fight or at least in a prank war, nope.
(7) Prank everyone in the village, not yet.
(8) Die not a virgin, check.
Looking at his checklist of life, Konohamaru could only check off three and a third items. He had only one day, if he was lucky to get lucky again and try to check off two more things off his list. He was already dead…what else could they do that Old Man Hyuga would not already do once he finds out about Hanabi. It was time to beat Big Brother Naruto's pranking record. Konoha was about to get a make over – Konohamaru-style!