Chapter One
He gently trailed his fingers through strands of wheat-coloured hair, taking care not to wake the person beside him. Slowly, gradually, he found himself absorbed in studying the slight frown between the blonde eyebrows, and he idly wondered what Hisoka was dreaming about.
It wasn't a bad dream because he could feel no fear from Hisoka. But it wasn't exactly some sweet fantasy either because there wasn't any contentment or joy. There was only irritation and annoyance, and what one would call gentle frustration and resignation--but no fear, no happiness. He smiled slightly; maybe Hisoka was yelling at him to get his work done.
It was only an ordinary dream, and he liked it; liked it that Hisoka would find the repetitive life they led significant enough to dream about. It was said that dreams were a reflection of reality, and what a person dreamt about was what that touched his heart. It need not be joyous, nor need it even be pleasant.
It was what Hisoka dreamed, and that made it precious, even if Hisoka might not recall his dream on the morrow.
But people had nightmares too. Hisoka did, and so did he. He could not remember every dream of his, but a nightmare would always remain fresh in his mind in the morning, as vivid as what he had experienced in the night. Why was it that people remembered nightmares while forgetting other dreams? Weren't all dreams of the same importance? Was it because fear left more of an impression? Was it because the pain would always leave a scar?
Why did Hisoka have nightmares? Was…was it because Hisoka wasn't happy?
It hurt,
but it was the truth. No one could be truly happy with what they both had. Even
if they could lie to themselves and say that it was enough, it wasn't.
Ephemeral happiness was no
more than what it actually was—a figment of the mind, an illusion. He would
come so close to convincing himself that he was satisfied…only to have his
hopes crushed by the surge of worries that always invaded his mind.
It was never enough.
Was he being selfish?
He should never have coaxed Hisoka to open up, should never have forced the boy to do so. And he knew that was what he had done. It wasn't persuasion, or even urging. It was something done by pure force, done by means of tempting Hisoka with promises of protection and love, things that Hisoka had never experienced before.
And those were exactly what he had offered, but couldn't give.
Why he had done it, he did not know. He just wanted somebody to stay, to not leave…
And now he had found that someone, he wished he hadn't made that someone stay. But he was weak, and he couldn't make that person leave. Couldn't say that he hated him, couldn't bring himself to mouth the words that would push that person away.
Instead, he brought Hisoka closer.
He wondered if it was meant to be this way, since the first time they met, that eventually everything would lead to this. Them together. Like this.
It happened so naturally. All it needed was a minute gesture of comfort, a casual question of concern, a helping hand offered in the dark…and they were where they were today.
Just that, and it was enough to make Hisoka cry and tell him that he would die to be with him.
There was someone who would die for him. Someone who would give him what he never deserved.
He should have been alone. But if he was…would it mean leaving Hisoka by himself? He could never forget the expression in the other's eyes during the first few months of their partnership—so harsh, cold, impassive, it was as if Hisoka no longer cared about the world around him.
If he hadn't done what he had, Hisoka would still be that--detached and living in self-imposed isolation. Hisoka would be all alone.
And Hisoka would be better off. Hisoka would never cry, and he would never get hurt.
He wouldn't be dying.
He could see it in Hisoka's eyes; could feel it. If it weren't for him, Hisoka would never want to live through three years of mindless torture.
Hisoka wanted a quick, painless death. And he was denied it because of him.
Hisoka called him an idiot for thinking that it was his fault, even going as far as to call him a masochist for assuming that he was doing it because of him. Hisoka said that he chose to go on living because as long as he did, he had hope. Because this existence was what he wanted.
Did they really dare hope?
He wanted to. And Hisoka said it was all right to hope.
But this would never have happened if it wasn't for him.
You never were the type for philosophy.
He never told Hisoka that the philosophical mind-debates increased with his presence.
Like now. Just looking at Hisoka made all the questions buried in some dark corner surface unconsciously.
Hisoka said being with him made him happy, but he knew that it wasn't the truth. But it wasn't exactly a lie either, because he wasn't sure that Hisoka would be happier if they hadn't met. He simply knew that Hisoka would be safer.
It just…it just wasn't justified—keeping a person by his side and telling himself that it was that person wanted; it was selfishness.
He had already reached the point where he couldn't tell if his every action was right or wrong.
His mind was just so tired, so worried, so afraid; so scared that fear almost became his only feeling.
Sleep didn't come at all that night; it hardly did anymore
Even without sleep, nightmares haunted him.
Let them come. It was all he had ever deserved anyway.
But why did he still ache for more?
***
Tsuzuki opened his eyes as the weight beside him stirred.
"Mmm, Hisoka?" He hadn't realized it was morning already, even if he didn't do anything but lie there with his eyes closed.
Curious green eyes peeked at him.
"You haven't slept again," Hisoka accused.
He chose to ignore that statement, because he couldn't deny it.
Hisoka glared at him but dropped the subject, although he could hear faint mutters about a supposed idiot in a tone that was obviously meant to be heard.
He laughed and pulled Hisoka closer, burying his face in the boy's chest.
"You're a little too young to mother me," he said mischievously, "So you might as well give up on it."
Hisoka snorted. "No one's too young to mother you, because you're an idiot with the intellect of a three-year-old." There was an ominous pause.
"Tsuzuki, are you thinking of me as a…"
"No!" Tsuzuki groaned inwardly. Hisoka was so sensitive when it came to this.
"I'm not a child!"
"Never said you were," he protested. Pushing himself up so that his hands were on each side of the other's waist, he caught Hisoka's eyes. "You're not, and I would never think of you as one." That said, he let his head fall back to rest on Hisoka's chest. "Not a child…"
Hisoka didn't answer, and they stayed there in silence, but it was far from uncomfortable. He could have left it at that, but the words came tumbling out from his mouth, the need to have that reassurance making him ask all those unnecessary questions.
"Hisoka…"
"Yes?" Hisoka's voice was drowsy, almost as if he was already drifting back to sleep.
"Can I stay with you?" Silence.
"Yes."
"Always?" Why was he asking this? It was too much, too painful. He shouldn't have asked that; it hurt Hisoka, did nothing but remind them of what lay ahead, only brought back the fear and dread of death and something worse.
But he asked it anyway, being the selfish person that he was, because he was so afraid.
"Aa." // Yes. // Hisoka's voice was soft, and strangely, he felt no fear, no pain. He looked up, and he saw determination in his partner's eyes.
"Always." Hisoka reached out for his hand, and he felt nothing but warmth and comfort.
"Promise?" he asked timidly. It was an irrational question, almost foolish. He was acting like a child who was asking for what he knew he would never get. Hisoka could never promise him that, and yet he was hoping that Hisoka would just say yes, would tell him again that everything would be all right.
"Promise." Unmistakably, there was the slightest falter in Hisoka's voice as he said that one word, the shortest break of hesitancy before Hisoka answered.
He laughed again, but this time the sound rang out hollowly with no hint of amusement in it.
"You told me to never make promises freely, because I might not be able to keep them," he muttered absently. And the words froze on his lips. He didn't need to look at Hisoka's face to see the other's shame and guilt. The slight trickle of emotions that ran through the bond already told him more than needed. Biting his tongue painfully, he searched desperately for a way to distract Hisoka, almost frantic at the reaction he had caused with one single sentence. How could he have been so thoughtless, so cruel?
In the end, he did nothing, only grasping Hisoka's hand and trying to smile. "But I'll make sure you keep that promise." He meant it. This was a promise Hisoka was going to keep.
Hisoka merely looked at him, emerald eyes unreadable, but Tsuzuki could feel the unvoiced disbelief and doubt.
"I'm staying with you…always." And that was that.
Maybe it was the seriousness and gravity of those words that suddenly made Hisoka uncomfortable, or maybe it was the intensity of his feelings, for Hisoka suddenly flushed and struggled under him.
"Get off me…off! Baka!"
Tsuzuki hugged the younger Shinigami firmly. "Not letting go…too comfortable…need to sleep."
"What does that have to do with me?" Hisoka hissed, "It wasn't my fault that you didn't get any sleep last night!"
He didn't let go, and it wasn't long before Hisoka realized the futility of trying to push him off and settled back down.
"You're going to be late for work," Hisoka told him.
"Nothing new," he murmured. Maybe sleeping wasn't as impossible as he had thought. All he had to do was think of the promise Hisoka made him; the promise that would never be broken.
"Well, I'm going to be late, and for no reason at all."
"You should try it once in a while anyway." Work was extremely unappealing to him at the moment.
"What!?" Hisoka asked in disbelief, "Tatsumi-san's going to give us hell!"
He stifled a yawn and snuggled deeper into the folds of Hisoka's pajamas. Nothing was going to make him change his current position. Not even the threat of a raging Tatsumi.
"You're hopeless," Hisoka finally said.
"That's why you love me?" he asked sleepily.
"Idiot."
Tsuzuki suddenly remembered something, and he shifted slightly so that he could now look up at the other.
"You gave me a goodnight kiss yesterday," he said while grinning cheekily.
As expected, Hisoka blushed a brilliant crimson. "I…I…" he stuttered helplessly.
"It isn't exactly night, but since I'm only going to sleep now…maybe another one?" he suggested hopefully.
If it was even possible, Hisoka's blush deepened. He snapped his face to the side, resolutely refusing to look at Tsuzuki.
"In your dreams," he said dryly.
"But you did it yesterday! Why can't you just do the same thing? Is there a difference between night and morning?" Teasing Hisoka could prove to be very entertaining, and times like this made him forget, however momentarily, the worries that haunted him. More importantly, it made Hisoka forget as well, and he wanted to free Hisoka from his fears.
"Shut up!"
"I don't understand…" All it always took was innocent flirting, if it could be called even that, and Hisoka would react instantly. He found it endearing, that Hisoka was so easily affected by actions like this. But then, almost everything about Hisoka fascinated him.
"No one's asking you to. And if you don't shut up, you can just get off."
"Hisoka…"
"What?" Hisoka asked irritably.
"Can I kiss you?" He didn't wait for Hisoka's answer but simply pushed himself up and gently pressed his lips to Hisoka's cheek. Even that innocent gesture was enough to send Hisoka blushing profusely. If he just took it a little further…
He fleetingly brushed his lips over the other's and hurriedly lied back down.
Lifting a hand to Hisoka's face, he ran his fingers over the boy's skin, feeling the heat of the blood that rushed up to Hisoka's face, imagining the flush that tinged his cheeks.
"You're so cute when you're all red," he teased.
"Go to sleep, stupid," Hisoka answered, and the feelings in his mind told him that Hisoka was still unable to decide if he was embarrassed, irritated or just pleased.
So like Hisoka, always thinking through everything. So adorable.
And he fell asleep.
***
This time, Hisoka managed to push him off. And the boy didn't make an effort to be gentle about it.
"Oww…" He then found himself being jostled awake.
"Tsuzuki! Get up already!"
"Huh…?" He stared at the hands on the table clock that Hisoka pushed in front of him. "What!? It's already that late!!?" Nine forty-five already. And he was thinking that he would never be able to sleep. Smiling softly to himself, he got out of bed and rushed though his morning preparations, but not without giving Hisoka a hug first, which only earned a quizzical look from the other.
By the time he was ready, Hisoka was already waiting by the door. Taking Hisoka's hand, he simply teleported them to the office, ignoring the yelp of protest from the boy.
Any hopes of sneaking to their desks without anyone noticing were dashed when everyone in the office leapt up as they entered.
"Hisoka-kun!" Wakaba exclaimed, "Are you all right?" Terazuma, as usual, glowered silently at Tsuzuki, but his eyes softened ever so slightly when they fell onto Hisoka. It lasted for barely a moment, though, before he returned to wearing the scowl that was always present around Tsuzuki.
Watari appeared beside Tsuzuki. "Is Bon fine? I mean…nothing like that?"
"Ah…" The innocent question of concern hurt more than he thought it would. "He's fine."
"Oh?" Wakaba asked, smiling in relief. "I was so worried."
Hisoka fidgeted a little at the attention he was receiving, but the tenderness in his eyes betrayed his true feelings. Perhaps no one else noticed the change in his normally stoic partner, but Tsuzuki saw and felt everything. The calmness and peace in those green eyes reminded him, oddly and rather ridiculously, of a big warm blanket, the kind a person could wrap himself in, just feel the warmness that the blanket brought and nothing else.
It was what Hisoka brought him.
"Then I would like to inquire the reason of your inability to appear punctually for work," a voice said from behind them, immediately drawing the attention of everyone in the room.
Tsuzuki understood the only reason Tatsumi hadn't unleashed his wrath was the fact that he, like everyone else, was concerned over Hisoka's health. Only that was able to prevent Hisoka from coming in to work, and even if Hisoka claimed he was all right, people still had their doubts.
Because they all cared.
He suddenly realized Tatsumi was still waiting for an answer, and Hisoka wasn't about to offer one. "We…uh…we overslept."
The absurdity of that statement only just then occurred to him. Telling Tatsumi that they were late because they overslept was so bizarre that barely were the words out of his mouth when everyone else had their eyes wide in shock and disbelief.
Perhaps the only good thing that came out of it was that Tatsumi himself was thrown off-balance as well, and it took more than a few moments for him to recollect his impeccable composure.
"You overslept," he repeated slowly.
Tsuzuki wondered if it would be wise to agree, than decided that it might be potentially lethal. So he remained silent, desperately hoping that Hisoka would say something for a change.
"Both of you?" Tatsumi asked incredulously.
Hisoka nodded, looking more than a little abashed.
Tatsumi stared at the two of them for one long moment. And then, to Tsuzuki's utmost surprise, he coughed uncomfortably and merely said, "Don't let me find you repeating your actions."
A startled look at Hisoka told Tsuzuki that his partner was equally shocked. Then, little by little, a slow blush began creeping up Hisoka's cheeks.
"Tatsumi-san," Hisoka said weakly, "It isn't…"
Tatsumi pushed up the rim of his glasses and cleared his throat. "It's…understandable, but I would prefer it if you didn't do this again." Hisoka's eyes widened and he looked as if he wanted to say more, but Tatsumi waved him off, his eyes holding more than a glint of knowing. Without another word, Tatsumi left for his own room, leaving Hisoka with a stunned expression on his face.
To say that Tsuzuki was shocked was an understatement. Perhaps dumfounded would be a more suitable adjective. Never in his life had he witnessed Tatsumi letting an unpunctual employee off without ruthlessly deducting said employee's pay, no matter what reason he was given.
Before Tatsumi was even out of sight, Watari grabbed a chair and plunked himself beside Tsuzuki unceremoniously.
"Wow…even Tatsumi can be understanding when it comes to this." Seeing Tsuzuki's outward confusion, he grinned and whispered conspiratorially, "Don't worry, it's bound to happen sometime."
Then it came, a rush of embarrassment and mortification so strong that Tsuzuki felt the heat rising in his cheeks, so intense that he turned towards Hisoka in worry. It was the first time he experienced Hisoka's discomfort directly, and whatever it was that caused such emotions, it was enough to alarm Tsuzuki.
"Hisoka?" The blush in Hisoka's cheeks only intensified at his unasked question.
Wakaba smiled fondly at them. "I'm so happy for you." Terazuma simply grunted and muttered something about 'people with that kind of inclinations'.
"What?" Tsuzuki asked in apparent bewilderment. "You mean the two of us being late?"
Watari chuckled. "You can say that as well."
"…as well?" He blinked. "What else can I say?"
Watari simply patted him on the shoulder and winked at Hisoka, which led to another bout of blushing on Hisoka's part.
"No…it's not what you think," Hisoka protested feebly. "You've all misunderstood, it really wasn't…"
"Sure…sure," Watari said indifferently before striding off to his lab, still chuckling to himself.
Wakaba went forward and gave Hisoka a hug. "It's all right, we understand." Before Hisoka could even answer, she left the room, forcing a grumbling Terazuma out as well.
Tsuzuki shook his head, seemingly puzzled. "Do you know what they were talking about?" he asked Hisoka.
Hisoka gave him a long, steady glare, which Tsuzuki met with his own baffled look. Finally, Hisoka sighed and turned away. "It was nothing."
"But…" Tsuzuki leaned forward and gazed into Hisoka's eyes, and predictably, the other's face reddened at the close proximity between them. Brushing away the stray bangs from the boy's eyes, he smiled and asked, "What did they mean?"
"I…I don't know!" Hisoka stuttered, trying to push away his hand.
"What don't you know?"
"Nothing! Just get to work and stop asking stupid questions!"
Tsuzuki caught Hisoka's hand and held it for a while before letting go, laughing softly at Hisoka's outraged look.
Of course he knew, with all the subtle hints and the atypical behaviour that everyone was displaying. He just liked to pretend he didn't.
"You could have said something just now," Hisoka complained sullenly.
He smiled. Hisoka knew that he understood as well. "Let them think what they want."
"You…" Hisoka scowled.
"Does it matter that much?" he asked softly. If it was what Hisoka wanted, he would explain everything to the others; he just felt that they would both be more comfortable if they didn't tell anyone anything about what happened between them.
He didn't want anyone to know, because it was what only the two of them shared.
Was he being selfish in wanting to keep things that way?
Hisoka fiddled with his pen nervously, steadfastly refusing to meet Tsuzuki's eyes.
Finally…"No."
Tentatively, a small hand reached out for his. "No. I…I wouldn't want you to say anything."
Grasping the hand in his, he gently traced the outlines on Hisoka's palm.
"Then it's all right."
It was a moment before Hisoka raised his eyes to his. The silent agreement and acceptance need not be put into words, but Hisoka nodded.
"All right."
Those two words…so easily said, but still he questioned again and again.
Was it ever all right?
***
Perhaps it was the slight twinge of pain at the back of his head, or it might be the steadily rising buzz of fear and apprehension that warned him, but somehow he always knew when the marks on Hisoka's body flared to life.
Having taken to wearing long sleeves ever since bearing the symbols of the second curse, Hisoka would never let anyone witness his vulnerability if he could help it. Like now, even while he underwent the trauma of the dark spell, Hisoka's hand still moved, his pen still tracing letters and words over the form he was filling. It was a steady denial of pain and weakness, but denial was never enough to change reality. Beads of cold sweat shone on the younger Shinigami's forehead, and the almost imperceptible tremors that began from his hands soon progressed to his entire body. And Hisoka still refused to speak a word.
Neither of them spoke as Tsuzuki moved to take Hisoka in his arms, forcing the trembling hand to drop the pen it was still holding. Defiant green eyes met his, but the agony their owner was going through was written clearly in them. Glazed, shaken, and in torment, yet Hisoka still would not submit.
Steadfast persistence, stubborn resistance, and in the end, it changed nothing.
He wanted to take Hisoka home, to a place where Hisoka could at least be in peace, but the painful hold on his hand stopped him. And through pain-hazed emerald, he could almost see the wordless request, could feel it as clearly as he felt himself.
Hisoka wanted to stay.
It was always a battle between two forces, a fight between wills…and fear struck his heart when the first drop of blood became visible on Hisoka's lips. Hisoka was fighting to not cry out, biting his lips so that not even the slightest whimper of pain could escape, and he did nothing but watched. Being the helpless onlooker that he was, it was the only thing he could do.
If Hisoka suffered the physical torture alone, they endured the emotional ordeal together. Always…he had felt so helpless, so useless as he watched the incalculable lives that slipped away while he continued his eternal existence, but this was beyond anything he ever experienced.
This was Hisoka. Hisoka was different.
As the hand in his went limp and the other consciousness his mind faded, his emotions spiraled from fear to sheer panic. It was always like this, even if he knew that Hisoka still lived, he forever feared that if Hisoka's eyelids were to close, he would never ever see the green behind them again.
Carrying the seemingly lifeless form in his arms, he blindly stumbled through the corridors of Juohcho, praying for anybody, somebody, to come forward and help.
Pushing the door of the laboratory open, he gasped out the only words that were in his mind.
"Help…Hisoka."
***
-- Slow, yes? I do try. You can now start telling me how terrible my portrayal of Tsuzuki is.
-- I'm looking for a beta-reader, specifically one who deals with plot and characterization. I already have one, but a few more would never hurt. Anybody, please?