Disclaimer: The characters and concepts of Bleach belong to their rightful owners. I make no profit from this work of fiction

Warnings: Angst, swearing, Yaoi (Byakuya x Ichigo), OCC

Author's Note: Short first chapter, I know, but I'm still sussing out the finer details of this story, and am easing into writing in this new fandom! Hope you'll continue to enjoy this, and let me know what you're thinking. You should also know that some of the things in this story are make believe. See if you can guess which parts...; )

Lyrics are from R.E.M's "The Outsiders"

Part One: Awakening

I tried to tell you I'm not afraid

You looked up and saw it all across my face

So am I with you, or am I against?

I don't think it's that easy

We're lost in regret

Ichigo couldn't remember where he was when he first woke up. All around him, he could feel pulsing reiatsu's, throbbing and pounding away like a painful headache.

Groaning, he sat up, and looked around. He was lying in soft bed in the middle of a traditional Japanese room. His confusion was like a thick, fuzzy blanket resting about his shoulders.

Where the fuck was he?

He frowned at he looked around, puzzled at the blankness in his mind as he struggled to remember when he had last been awake. Why the hell did his body feel so heavy?

Ichigo looked around the room, freezing when he saw his death god clothes folded neatly beside his bed with Zangastu lying beside them. He was in Soul Society then. Why was he in Soul Society?

Because he was dead.

That realisation hit him like a bolt of lightning. He was dead. He'd been murdered by someone he couldn't remember, and he didn't even know why. He was one of the strongest shinigami around, captain class at least even if he didn't hold the official title, and he'd been murdered. His life had been taken away forcefully. No one had ever been able to make him do anything he didn't want to, and he'd never let anyone hurt him if he had anything to do with it.

Yet the very breath had been stolen from him, and it felt almost like he had been raped in some way. Violated beyond any recognition of himself.

His body was aching, but his chest in particular was burning like fire. Looking down, he tried to contain his horror at the angry red scars crisscrossing his chest. The most painful by far was the smallest, a stab wound right where his heart lay. Raising a hand that trembled, he rubbed his chest slowly, wincing at the burning sensation.

And his family was gone now. He hoped they had moved on to where they were supposed to be. Their absence and the violence of their deaths made him feel like he was missing a huge chunk of his heart that he would never get back. He would never see them again. He had never gotten the chance to say goodbye.

Ichigo clenched his fists where they lay in his lap. His eyes prickled as tears finally started to threaten. He would never get to see them again, or tell them how much he loved them. He had fought so hard to keep them safe, and they'd been taken from him anyway. Now he'd killed them just as he had his mother. They'd died because they had been associated with him. And it wasn't just his fault. It was his curse.

He was trembling uncontrollably now, as his anger and sorrow clenched his gut painfully. His rage was beyond measure, burning through him like scouring winds and he wanted to strike out at something. He wanted to damage something as he had been damaged, he wanted to tear the place apart with his bare hands and find his family once more.

Ichigo wasn't aware of the room trembling about him.

- - - - - -

Captain Kuchiki Byakuya took another sip of the hot tea Rukia had set before him. He had not missed the way her hands trembled as she had done so, nor the pain in her eyes or the lines around her eyes and mouth that bespoke of the sadness she was carrying. She had known Kurosaki's family, he remembered, and had lived within their household during her tenuous time in the human world. He wondered exactly how well they had gotten along, and decided that if she was this upset, then they had probably been close.

Of course, she was hurting for Ichigo as well, as were most who knew of the tragedy that had occurred two days ago. Byakuya had seen the state Kurosaki had been in when he'd arrived; almost catatonic, and most likely numbed to his core. It wasn't an unusual reaction in those who'd recently died, but he suspected that it had taken a harder toll on the teenager than it would most others. For someone with such a strong reiatsu, and such stubborn determination, the effects of having all his ties to the earthly world severed so abruptly were amplified.

When he had arrived, Byakuya had not hesitated to accept him as a guest in his house. Kurosaki was not only Rukia's close friend and confidant, but he was also a friend of his lieutenant and that was more than enough for him. Besides, he owed Kurosaki a debt he wasn't sure he could repay. Kurosaki Ichigo had granted Byakuya his freedom for the first time in centuries, and he hadn't wasted the chance he'd been granted, no matter how unlikely the source.

"So. What's going to happen to him?" Renji asked, breaking the tense silence.

Byakuya lowered his cup and set it before him calmly. A good question, he thought to himself as he studied his red haired second in command. He still wasn't sure what had made him appoint the impulsive Shinigami as his lieutenant, but he was often glad that he had. The rash and impatient man had warmed to him considerably since the rebellion, and Byakuya was flattered by his desire to, one day, surpass his captain. They got along a lot better now that his relationship with Rukia was solidifying.

"He shall stay here until a more permanent home can be found for him," he replied.

"I meant...What I meant to ask was, he's going to be a shinigami, right? Will he have to go through the same training as we all did?" Renji clarified, although Byakuya had known what he meant.

"Kurosaki's fate is unclear at the moment, but I think that a place can be found for him. Given the level of his strength, I think he definitely has a future there."

"What about replacements for the Divisions without captains?" Rukia ventured after a moment's thoughtful silence.

Byakuya turned his gaze towards her.

"Are you suggesting that he take one of those positions? He's centuries too young. He has no knowledge of what it takes to lead a division, although he is certainly strong enough," Byakuya frowned. "If it were up to me, then I might consider it. But it's not. This matter is out of my hands, and while I will do all I can to aid Kurosaki, I can make no promises to the two of you."

Renji and Ruki looked a little put out by his response, but he felt that no good would come of him making false promises in order to make them feel better. He wouldn't sugar-coat the truth for them, no matter how much he had changed recently. He owed it to them to keep their hopes realistic.

"At the very least, we must apply ourselves to the task of helping Kurosaki deal with the transition between his world and this one." Byakuya continued doing his best to ignore their downcast looks.

Suddenly, the force of a very familiar reiatsu pounded down on his shoulders, and he froze in shock for a moment. He could feel how unstable Kurosaki's power was, could feel the way it ebbed and flowed with the pulse of his rage and sorrow.

Forcing himself to his feet, he ran from the room, with a struggling Rukia and Renji on his heels. With the might of Kurosaki bearing down on them, Byakuya had no doubt that most of Gotei 13 would be feeling the turmoil raging within Kurosaki.

Setting his jaw and striding forwards, he threw the doors open to Kurosaki's guest room, praying that the inner hollow in the young man wouldn't manifest itself at such inopportune time. The hunched over figure of Kurosaki Ichigo disturbed him more than anything had in a long time. His eyes were hidden from sight by bright bangs, but Byakuya could see the way his fists were clenched in his lap, and the way his body was shaking with the force of his emotions. Beside him, his sword Zangatsu was pulsing, calling out to Ichigo, but the boy was too lost in his pain to take notice.

Byakuya doubted whether or not Kurosaki was even aware of what he was doing. Frowning, Byakura moved forwards and knelt before the fearsome person before him. He grasped a broad shoulder and raised Kurosaki's chin. His brown eyes stared forwards unseeingly. It wouldn't do to have him destroy the Kuchiki mansion. Setting his resolve, Byakuya drew back his hand and backhanded Ichigo across the face.

Ichigo's head snapped backwards with the force, but the reiatsu pressing down on them disappeared instantly. He felt slightly guilty for attacking him so when he was obviously suffering, but he couldn't very well let him tear soul society down around their ears.

Ichigo was blinking in confusion, but Byakuya was looking down at Ichigo's chest. Angry red scars marred the tanned skin, crisscrossing over the faded ones he had received during his battles within soul society. He frowned at them, confused.

Everyone who had died violent deaths bore similar scars when they first arrived in Soul Society; it was a symbol of the violence of their deaths and the way in which their souls had been forced from their bodies before they died naturally.

Byakuya once had similar scars. But within a day or so of arriving, everyone's scars always disappeared. Yet, Kurosaki's remained. Was it a testament to just how violently Kurosaki had died? Or was there another reason? There were rumors within soul society about the nature of Ichigo's death; many wondered how one so strong could die when at the height of his powers. Amongst the captains, however, there was speculation that Aizen could be behind the cruel slaughter. Byakuya had doubts himself, and wondered if Ichigo's scars were somehow connected.

Shaking his dark thoughts away, Byakuya released Ichigo's shoulders and moved away slightly, contemplating him. Renji was hanging off the door frame, looking like he had just completed the longest race course in history. Rukia had crawled over to Kurosaki and was sitting at his side with obvious concern. Ichigo was staring at him, looking exhausted and somewhat feral.

"While you are within my house, Kurosaki Ichigo, I would ask that you try and control your powers to the best of your ability," Byakuya told him, standing up. "I don't want to have to resort to violence again to have you control yourself. While I invite you to make yourself as comfortable as possible in my residence, I ask that you try to the best of your ability to maintain the peace."

Hardening his resolve and determined not to look into the tortured eyes of Kurosaki Ichigo, lest he do something he'd regret later, Byakuya stood up and left the room briskly, passing Renji as he straightened. When he was out of sight of Rukia and Ichigo, he paused, speaking so that only his lieutenant could hear.

"Make sure he's under control and that he understands the situation before you return to your post, Abarai. We can't afford to let our guard down at this point of time."

"Yes, Captain Kuchiki."

Byakuya nodded and left, his footsteps echoing in the silence of the hallway.

- - - - - - - - -

Rukia and Renji were looking at him. Ichigo couldn't stand to meet their eyes and see all their pity. He didn't want or deserve it because he had bought this on himself.

His cheek still stung from where Kuchiki Byakuya had hit him. The truth was, he hadn't even realised that he had been losing control and he was glad that the 6th Division Captain had been there to stop him. A tiny part of him wished that he could have destroyed the whole place, and watched it burn down around him. It would be a reflection of what he felt inside. He felt empty. Where everything that made him who he was had once resided, now there was only his rage, his ground shaking sorrow, and an overwhelming guilt. He was still trying to believe that it had happened at all. But the maelstrom of wild emotions within him told him that it was really happening. Reality and illusion held no meaning for him anymore.

"Ichigo..." Rukia murmured beside him.

"What?" he asked, more harshly than he intended. He looked up at her, and froze when he saw her tears.

"I...I'm so sorry, Ichigo!" She whispered, trying to stifle her sobs as she wrapped her arms around him. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe from the crushing weight pressing down on his chest. She buried her head in his chest and he turned his face away, closing his eyes against the gut wrenching truths that were glaring him in the face.

"What are you sorry for, baka?" he asked hoarsely. "Unless you were the one who...you've got nothing to apologize for."

She was still crying though. Crying for him, and he felt as if the guilt and pain would tear him in half. He didn't deserve her tears. He didn't deserve anything anymore.

"I'm sorry, I just...I'm going to miss them. I never wanted any of you to die," she shuddered against him, and he clenched his fist in the black fabric of her uniform, dry eyed.

"Stop crying now, Rukia." he mumbled.

He sensed when Renji moved forward. The lieutenant was watching quietly, and hadn't said anything yet, but when he cleared his throat Ichigo looked up at him, feeling worn out and transparent. He just wanted to lie down and escape into the oblivion of sleep and never wake up. He was so very tired.

"Hey...Ichigo. If there's anything you need..."

Ichigo shook his head wordlessly and looked away. He wished that Rukia would let him go. He wanted to be alone. Ichigo had never dealt with loss well; he had learned that after the death of his mother. Sometimes his emotions just overwhelmed him. He just got so angry, at himself, at the world in general because he'd never been able to understand either. He always took it out on others, however unintentionally, and he didn't want that to happen now. There was no way he could push away the only people he had left to rely on.

Renji seemed to sense what was wrong however, and moved forward to carefully pry Rukia away from him. He wrapped his arms around a still sobbing Rukia and they stood up in unison.

"You're safe here, Ichigo. Captain Kuchiki will make sure of it."

With that, he was alone. Ichigo lay back down, trying to remember how to breathe as he stared at the plain ceiling above him.

What was he supposed to do with himself now?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He was unsure of how long he slept after that. Ichigo could remember drifting in and out of sleep, and hearing soft voices talking around him. He was vaguely aware of the strong presence of Kuchiki Byakuya moving about, but he ignored it, and endeavoured to lose himself in the realm of sleep.

Sometimes he had nightmares that he couldn't quite grasp. The sense of fear and unease remained with him as he dreamed of blood and that scared him more than anything else.

Other times he remained dreamless, floating along the tides of sleep as they dragged him where they would.

Once he was fully awake, however, he knew that he didn't want to be. Life after death sucked. It was just like living all over again. The same memories and mistakes that you had to live with, all the flaws that he hated about himself, it was all still there.

He was in the same bed, the same room, and he stared dully up at the ceiling above him before becoming aware of another presence in the room. Turning his head, he started when he saw Kuchiki Byakuya sitting several feet away, with a small writing desk balanced on his lap. He was writing something with ink and a small brush, his hand flowing smoothly and with a grace that mystified Ichigo.

Swallowing, he looked away, remembering again why he was stuck in the captain's residence to begin with. His heart and stomach ached anew, and the presence of Byakuya reminded him yet again of just how alien the whole situation was.

"I see that you're awake at last, Kurosaki Ichigo," Byakuya said in that deep smooth voice that flowed just as easily as his hand did when he wrote.

"It would seem so," he replied, dully. He was tired once more, too tired to play the mental warfare games that were always involved when talking to the enigmatic captain.

"You've been asleep for nearly four days." Byakuya informed him. "Perhaps it is time to consider getting up and facing your problems."

Ichigo said nothing, and tried not to flinch as the Captain carefully set aside the desk and rested his hands serenely on his knees. The grace and calm that the man extruded angered Ichigo for some reason, and he shuttered himself off, trying to not let it affect him. He couldn't help but feel wary and a little bitter towards the Captain. The words that had been cast between them during the several battles they had fought against each other refreshed themselves within his mind, cutting so much deeper than they had before. Inwardly, he started to agree with them; he wasn't worthy, wouldn't ever be good enough to protect the people that mattered to him. He was worthless, lower than trash. He could go on but the thought was just too depressing to bear.

Ichigo closed his eyes again and wished for the umpteenth time that he could disappear entirely.

"I know what it's like to lose people you love," Byakuya said eventually.

Ichigo kept his eyes closed so he wouldn't show how surprised he was at this confession from the normally reserved Captain.

"I won't tell you to try and ignore the pain you feel and I won't tell you that it will all work out, because there is no way I can guarantee that. But I will tell you that closing yourself off from the people around you, and from the world is a mistake. It will only make things worse for you," Byakuya said slowly.

Now Ichigo opened his eyes to glare at him.

"How could things possibly get any worse?" he snapped. "I'm dead. My family is all dead. And it's my fault. How could it get worse?"

Byakuya regarded him calmly, not reacting to his outburst in the slightest.

"Were you the one who wielded the blade that killed them?"

"What the fuck has that got to do with anything?" Ichigo demanded angrily.

"Were you the one who wielded the blade?" Byakuya repeated the question, not even raising his voice.

"No, but..."

"Then you are not responsible. Nor are you responsible for the actions of another. The sooner you accept that, the soon you can learn how to heal yourself."

Ichigo didn't have the first clue how to respond to this different Kuchiki Byakuya. He was gobsmacked, and resentful at the same time, and as a result he could think of nothing to say. Byakuya solved the issue for him though. The captain unfolded his body and got to his feet. Ichigo had never really realised just how tall the man was until that moment.

"But I can't tell you how to deal with your grief," Byakuya told him. "The final decision is up to you. However, the other captains and the central room are deciding what position you will have here as we speak. I suggest that you get up and move around. It will help with the stiffness you are feeling."

And with that, the Captain left Ichigo staring in his wake. He was lost. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to be a death god anymore. It had bought him nothing but trouble so far. Nothing but frustration, pain and suffering and he wasn't sure if he could deal with it all again. No, he didn't want their condolences, and he certainly didn't want a position on their precious ranking system.

I know you see right through me, my luminescence fades

The dusk provides an antidote, I am not afraid

I've been a million times in my mind and this is really just a

Technicality, frailty, reality

TBC