INTERMISSION
Vriska: be the understanding friend
Your name is Vriska Serket and you are the best friend in the whole fucking world.
You'd been buddies with a certain Karkat Vantas since you two fuckers were in diapers. You loved messing with him because he always had the funniest freakouts, but in the end you did care for the shitface, so you decided to do him a favor. The idea came to you during a conversation with said shitface as you two lounged around your living room, all unguarded and bored as hell. The TV blared some stupid commercial as you admired your green fingernails, the nail polish having been a gift from Aradia after you two made up for an incident in middle school involving exploding shampoo bottles and some trips to the hospital. You swore sometimes you were too much of a genius for your own good.
Karkat was curled on the other side of your couch glaring at the TV as if the commercial had done something to deserve Vantas deep-settled hatred and you took the time and effort to tear your gaze away from your nails to eye him. He wore his usual black shirt - the same he had since middle school. The same shirt that still had that small tear on it from the time when you asked him out on a fake-date that resulted in him getting a black eye, you getting arrested for aggravated assault (it wasn't even on Karkat, but the waiter who dared to actually call you "toots" and brush his hand on your lap and augh, gross) - let's just say you never got a romance going with your good buddy Vantas and that was fine with you. You had only wanted to date him back then to piss Terezi off, who had a thing for Karkat and you didn't like Terezi so there you go.
Now you guys were just friends. Karkat and you got along pretty well since you died down on causing havoc with him, mostly because you liked selecting specific targets and ruining one life at a time. Your current target was a certain Tavros Nitram; a cute nervous little guy so innocent and adorable you just had to fuck him up. You admittedly had a crush on the guy - who wouldn't? - and decided to mess him up as a show of affection and all-around bitchery. His bodyguard Gamzee what's-his-face kept interfering but you didn't give a shit about that. Tavros thought you were hot shit and didn't mind following your orders, so you used that to your full advantage. But, anyway, you had to stop mulling over Tavros' adorableness, Gamzee's obnoxious…ness, and your all-around splendidly dark memories.
Karkat looked frustrated.
Well, he always looked frustrated, but hey, you were a good observer and you noticed shit. Karkat's grey eyes that always seemed to have shadows and bags under them seemed even darker than usual. His pale skin seemed paler, if that was even possible, and his messy black hair looked more unhygienic than usual - hell you swore you saw something stuck in the tufts that resembled cobwebs…or probably just dust from his shitty house (a lack of a mother and a lazy deadbeat dad meant little to now housework around the home, you noticed that a long time ago). Either way he looked like shit and his expression said it all. TEENAGE ANGST ALL AROUND. You nearly burst out laughing because that so totally fit Karkat! He was a big, brooding ball of angst.
Still, you decided to be a good friend and asked him what was stuck up his depressed little ass. "Yo Karkles," you crooned in a disgustingly sweet voice, "What's got you all droopy and depressed? Did your dad finally leave your sorry ass to pursue his deep dark passion of exotic dancing?"
He looked up to glare at you, a scowl etched across his lips. Gosh, his angry expressions were adoooooooorable! You grinned, or more like sneered - you couldn't help it, you were raised to be bad and you had a difficult time being compassionate - and Karkat seemed to narrow his eyebrows further.
"No," he finally hissed. "Leave me alone."
"No can do, Kaaaaaaaarkat," you sang gleefully, scooting across the couch at an impressive speed to drape yourself against the little ball of angry. "Tell big sister Vriska what's bothering you!"
"I can't believe you just referred to yourself as big sister Vriska. This isn't some shitty MTV mini-series, get your fatass off of me before I flip my shit and tear your good eye out," he barked, all but shoving you off of him. You scoot back slightly to let out a cackle, flipping your thick black hair as if to mock him for being so mean only to receive cool amusement in return. How cute, he thought you being blind in one eye would bother you! He thought you had a weakness he could prod at! But noooooooo~ you were perfectly fine with your disability after Aradia got even for the shampoo incident by sending you an exploding envelope that damaged your retina and wa-la, "Spiderbitch Vrsika" wore an eye-patch. Well, okay, so you had the option of getting a glass eye or just leaving it white so you could freak children out (which you still did by suddenly flipping off your eye-patch and laughing as they ran off crying) but an eye-patch seemed the better option. It made you look as badass as you were.
But you never felt self-conscious about it.
So you continued to grin slyly at him until your prodding eye made him crumble. One talent you took pride in had to be your ability to break down every defense by just staring intently with the heat of a thousand burning suns at a person. It never failed you. Every single time they let themselves go in defeat, allowing you access to every little vulnerability and detail.
Karkat was no different.
"Just - fuck," he said in a voice that made it obvious you won and he was about to let his dam break to let out his shit storm of angst. Delightful! "John. John fucking Egbert, that little fuck!"
You giggled but the sound didn't deter him.
"I hate him so much that I physically cringe at the mention of him. Every time that fucker calls my name with those bright happy eyes and that moronic smile of his and runs at me like some devoted puppy, I want to grab his face and just throw him on the ground."
"You're wallowing in your hatred, then?" you purred, leaning closer to get a better angle. He was scowling, eyes alight with frustrated anger as he glared heatedly at the TV. You noticed his canines were exceptionally sharp and pointy and resisted the urge to poke them to see if they'd draw blood. Gosh, Karkat was really like an angry hissing cat!
"Yes," he glowered. "I hate him so much. I hate the way he makes me feel. Like…augh, FUCK!" he bellowed, obviously frustrated that he couldn't find the right words to describe his feelings. "I feel so fucking happy when I'm around him! Like…fuck, I want to smile and I don't fucking smile! I don't care if he makes me watch Con Air for the thousandth time or if he rants about how awesome Nic Cage is, as long as he'll rant and watch with me. I have to physically restrain myself from pushing him down and kissing him until he can't laugh that obnoxiously adorable dopy laugh or call my name with that fucking voice of his - "
You watch as he began to shake, clawing at his hair so roughly in anger that you swear you saw black strands float off. Aw, Karkitty was shedding! You resist the urge to giggle because this is a serious conversation and you had to be a good friend here and shut the fuck up and listen. Besides, this was amusing, seeing him get all mushy on you - well, as mushy as Karkat Vantas could possibly get. Besides, you knew John Egbert…not personally, but you knew who he was. You had biology together and he was pretty adorable, you had to admit, but he was so obsessed with pranking and he was always flanked by coolkid Strider and Child Genius Lalonde (that Harley girl wasn't intimidating so you didn't bother worrying about her - that chick was just freaky, she always went around predicting the future and blurting out random readings to people and freaking them the hell out). So you never really bothered him, though you did find amusement in witnessing some of his pranks. Some were good, some shitty but entertaining to watch.
You knew John Egbert was a good friend of Karkat's and the shitface talked about him all the time. You remembered John was a pretty derpy-looking kid, a nerd in a cute kind of way. He had these big beautiful blue eyes that Terezi constantly talked about wanting to lick, though they were hidden behind dorky square frames so their brilliance was rarely seen. His hair was messy and thick and black, his skin smooth and peachy like a baby's bottom, and he wore boring, simple clothes. Your inner fashion enthusiast burned with the desire to dress the kid up just remembering the clothes he wore. Augh.
You saw the way Karkat looked talking about him and the way he just totally confessed with love for the guy. So you tried to be a good friend again and put on your "I am listening very closely and contemplating how, as your friend, I shall help you next" look. You thought it was a good look. "So you're basically in love with the guy and you're soooooooo pissed off that you're such an emotionally challenged fucker that you're frustrated and decided to wallow in self-pity," you summarized. Karkat glared at you but didn't reply so you took this as confirmation. "Hmm hmm hmmm, makes sense!"
"Shut up."
"Well!" you cackled. "Karkat, since I care about you and your happiness, I've decided to help you out. Trust me, I'm an experienced seducer. I can bag Egbert for you like that," you bragged, snapping your fingers to emphasis how fast you are at the art of seduction. "I'm like an arachnid; I snatch my victims in my web and eat them alive."
Karkat looked thoroughly repulsed by this and you let out another infamous Vriska laugh. "Come with me! I know how to bag someone as innocent and moronic as John Egbert!" You didn't wait for his reply before you grabbed his arm and tugged him off the couch, ignoring his growls of protest as you dragged him down the hall to your room. You kick the door open dramatically, walking past your glass aquarium of spiders ("Hello babiiiiiiiies," you made sure to croon as you passed) and to your desk. You released your death grip and kicked back the chair, forcing him to sit down and face your computer.
You wiggled the mouse and grinned when Karkat jumped at your wallpaper; a large spider eating a dead bird as it dangled from a tree branch.
"The fuck?" he ground out. "What the fuck is up with you and spiders?"
"They're cool," you replied vaguely as you moved your mouse to the Microsoft Word icon. "The badass part is that picture isn't photoshopped or anything; it happened in some Australian garden or some shit like that. Pretty awesome, right?" Grinning, you click the giant blue "W" and watched as a fresh white document unfolded before you.
"Now," you said in a sly voice, "time to write a love letter."
"What?" Karkat asked dumbly, blankly staring at the computer screen.
You rolled your eyes. "God Karkat, you're soooooooo slow sometimes! We're going to write a love letter for your stupid little homocrush, duh! He seems like the type who goes for romantic letters! Come on, pour your heart out."
You pulled back and gripped the back of the computer chair, waiting. Karkat sat still with that emotionless mask before a growl crossed his face. "Fuck no!" he yelped out angrily. "I'm not - Vriska, I - NO! THIS IS STUPID!"
You scoffed. "With an attitude like that it's no wonder John hasn't come crawling to you begging for you to make sweet love to him!"
Karkat had the decency to blush. "What the hell!"
"Think about it," you cooed, poking your cute little blushing scowling shitface on the cheek. "John Egbert, his stupid dopy face all flushed with desire as he grasps your shirt pleadingly. 'Karkat!' he'd whine with a voice underlined with moans and desire, 'please, I'm begging you! I read your letter and I'm so hoooooooot right now! I need your big, pulsing cock in my - "
Karkat flailed and you jumped back with a bark of laughter. He was red in the face and you had never seen the shitface so damned flustered before. He clawed at the air and once he was sure you were gone he spun around to glare at you.
"I can't believe I confided in you! What the fuck was I thinking?"
You shrugged. "Don't ask me."
He began shouting curses and stormed out of your room and somewhere in his vulgarity you heard "I'm going home!" so you didn't bother following him. You leaned against your doorframe and grinned impishly when you heard the front door slam shut. With a mischievous giggle you rushed back to your computer and flopped into your seat, deciding to take matters into your own hands.
Vriska: be the conniving spiderbitch
You were thankful that you had coaxed Karkat's e-mail information out of Sollux, who had helped him set it up before Karkat got into coding and computer shit (even though he sucked at it). It didn't take much to get the password; all you had to do was give him those secret pictures of Aradia you promised (thank you make-up-girly-sleepovers and secret-hidden-cameras not to mention your awesome ninja skills) and bam. He sold out his best friend. Awesome. Boys were so easy to manipulate.
You had taken it upon yourself to memorize the details, not that it was hard since Karkat was so adorably stupid about this shit. With a smirk you pulled up the internet browser and logged in as Karkat; carcinoGenetisist (duhhhhhhhh) with his predicable password "FUCKING STUPID PASSWORD". Really, how adorably moronic could your little shitface get? Stifling evil giggles you composed a new message and returned to your document - you wouldn't want any spelling errors, would you?
TO: ectoBiologist
CC: carcinoGenetisist
SUBJECT: dear john
I KNOW THIS IS SUDDEN BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME. I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING IMPORTANT THAT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME EVER SINCE…WELL, FUCK, THAT DOESN'T MATTER, IT ONLY MATTERS THAT I FEEL THIS WAY AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU BEFORE IT EATS ME ALIVE.
JOHN EGBERT, I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. I FIND MYSELF BREATHLESS WHEN I STARE INTO YOUR BRILLIANT BRIGHT BLUE EYES. THEY'RE LIKE TWO POOLS OF CRYSTAL GLASS, OF CLEAR OCEAN, THE BLUEST OF ALL BLUES AND I FIND MYSELF WANTING TO STARE IN THEM FOR ETERNITY. GOD. I WANT TO GRAB YOUR SMOOSHY PINK FACE AND KISS YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR CHEEKS SO HARD BITE MARKS ARE LEFT BEHIND. I WANT TO SERENADE YOU AND SING YOU SAPPY LOVE SONGS SO THAT THE EXTENT OF MY FEELINGS CAN BE DISPLAYED. I WANT TO HURT YOU AND COMFORT YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I WANT TO MAKE YOU SO DEPENDENT ON ME THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING UNLESS I'M BY YOUR SIDE. I WANT TO FLIP YOU OVER AND WORK MY WAY INSIDE OF YOU. I WANT TO FUCK YOU DRY, MAKE YOU SCREAM MY NAME, MAKE YOU FLY ON FUCKING CLOUD NINE. I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU…GOD, I WANT TO HOLD YOU AND LICK YOU AND EXPLORE EVERY PART OF YOU AND FUCK FUCK FUCK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. THAT'S ALL I WANT TO SAY.
- KARKAT VANTAS WHAT THE FUCK YOU KNOW WHO I AM.
You leaned back and admired your completed letter; you felt pretty damn proud of yourself. It sounded just like Karkat! It totally sounded like him! You began to snicker as you pressed the 'SEND' button, a self-satisfied snort escaping your nose in utter amusement as you closed the browser and gave yourself a mental pat on the back. You're such a good friend! An excellent friend, an amazing friend, a fabulous friend, the best friend of all friends, everyone wished they had a friend like you! This letter was so amazing and John would have to be an asexual idiot not to swoon over your beautiful poetry.
Smirking, you signed onto Pesterchum to see if Karkat was online so you could tell him what a big favor you just did for him. Sadly he wasn't online. You ignored the others because you could care less about them but sneered when you saw Dave coolkid Strider was online. He was the most fun to mess with mostly because he was a challenge. He had this thing about keeping his cool - he even did it in real life! Hilarious! Impressive, really, and you admired the fucker for that.
You ignored him for now and went online to waste time reading shitty fanfictions but not even ten minutes later you got a message. Eyebrow rising you saw it was from none other than Dave Strider. Grinning ear to ear you opened Pesterchum with an amused giggle; this should be fun.
- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -
TG: sup vriska
AG: Well well well if it isn't coolkid Dave Strider
AG: And to what do I owe this pleasure?
TG: i know karkat has homo feelings for my lil egderp but hed never send an email explaining them
TG: egbert is too slow for his own good and youve successfully freaked him the fuck out
TG: and dont even try to convince me karkat sent that shittastic email cause im positive it was you who sent that porn in a computer
TG: fess up spiderbitch
AG: What ever are you talking a8out?
AG: I am extremely offended that you would even think such a thing, Strider!
TG: listen im not planning on flipping my shit i just need you to tell me why the fuck youd send nohomo Egbert such a sappy and fuckin sick message
TG: i mean is that how you really feel for our little derp?
TG: you just want to hide behind karkat so you can express your creepy obsession TG: how fucking adorable
AG: Screw you Strider!
AG: I was just helping a friend out!
AG: Karkat is way too shy to admit he likes your "little derp" so I helped him out.
AG: I thought it was 8eautiful poetry!
TG: hes probably having a heart attack
TG: and doing that nope thing he does when hes flipping his shit
TG: thanks spiderbitch now i have to calm him the fuck down
AG: Just don't tell him I wrote that.
AG: Karkat gets all the credit. ::::)
- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -
You frowned. No fun, no fun, no fuuuuuuuun! How dare Dave Strider shake the truth out of you! Now he'd definitely tell John about the true author of that beautiful letter. That's what "bros" did, right? Sighing in annoyance you pouted as you kick your feet in frustration, huffing and puffing like the goddamn big bad wolf. Well, at least John was freaking out. That was a definite plus. Hopefully this would at least bring little Karkat's feelings to that idiot's attention.
God, you were such an awesome friend.
Another eight minutes or so passed and you saw Karkat sign on. Grinning from ear to ear you sent him a brief message to make your awesome friendship known before you signed off feeling incredibly good about yourself.
- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -
AG: Karkat Karkat Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat
CG: WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU WANT?
AG: I have some exciting news for yoooooooou!
AG: You shouldn't have left like that, you missed witnessing my creative juices as they spilled all over the screen like an artist at work!
CG: VRISKA I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T GET TO THE POINT I WILL LEAVE MY HOUSE AND WALK RIGHT BACK TO YOURS EVEN IF MY FEET START TO FUCKING FALL OFF JUST SO I CAN SMACK YOU IN YOUR UGLY FUCKING FACE.
AG: Okay, okay, gosh!
AG: Calm your tits
AG: I just wanted to inform you that I took it upon myself to write and send your love letter.
AG: Don't worry, I made sure to include everything from your eternal love to your raging lust for mister John Eg8ert!
AG: You're welcome 8est friiiiiiiiend
- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -
CG: WAIT
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK