XXX TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE AND CUTTING XXX

Callie

"You're not paying attention!"

"Yes, I am!"

"You're not even looking at the screen!"

I roll my eyes and look up at Cole who is shooting me a glare. I sigh and move my laptop off to the side, "I'm sorry," I apologize, "I was just editing a few photos."

Cole shrugs, "It's cool," he says, "We'll just have to start over from the beginning."

I scoff and hold the remote out of reach, "No way! We're already thirty minutes in!"

"Well you weren't paying attention so now we have to go back." He easily plucks the remote from my grasp and begins to rewind all the way back to the beginning of Star Wars as I groan. Cole shoves me with his shoulder, "You might actually like this."

I shrug, "I'm not really into science-fiction."

"Well Star Wars isn't fiction, it's the future."

I chuck a pillow at Cole, which he easily catches. He presses the play button on the remote and once again I find myself reading scrolling words on the television screen. I hear the front door open and look over to see Lena walking in with some grocery bags.

"Hi," I greet, moving to stand up, "Do you need help?"

She smiles and shakes her head, "No thank you, Sweetheart. Hi, Cole!"

"Hi Mrs. Adams-Foster," he greets, "How are you?"

Lena shrugs, "Can't complain, you?"

"Good, thanks.

" Are you staying for dinner?"

Cole raises his eyebrows, "Um…"

"We would love to have you," Lena continues earnestly.

Cole nods with a gracious smile, "I would love to stay for dinner."

"Great! I'll be in the kitchen if either of you need me." Lena walks off and then it's just the two of us. Cole has a far-away look on his face. I lay my hand on his arm.

"Hey." He looks up at me, "Are you okay?"

Cole nods, "Yeah, it's just…" he sighs, "You really lucked out with your moms, Callie. Do you know that?"

"Yeah," I answer softly, "I do. I couldn't think of anything better for me and Jude." I tuck my feet underneath me, "Have you talked to your parents?"

"I'm meeting with them this week," Cole tells me, "I'm pretty nervous. We haven't talked in almost a year," he sighs, "I mean, the fact that they even want to talk to me is amazing."

"It's good," I assure him, "I hope things go well for you. And I'm here for you, okay?"

Cole nods with a smile, "I know, thanks." He reaches for the remote and begins to rewind again. I snatch the remote from his hand and hold it away.

"Stop rewinding!" I scold, "Can we just watch the movie?"

"We were talking!" Cole argues grabbing the remote back, "The beginning is crucial to understanding the movie!"

I rest my head on the armrest of the couch and kick my feet into Cole's lap, "You suck. I hope you know that."

Cole sits back and puts his hands behind his head with a smirk, "I can live with that."

"His favorite movie is Star Wars," Callie begins, "He made me watch it with him. He kept going back to the beginning because he thought I wasn't paying attention. It was so annoying." She wipes her nose on her hand, "He likes it because it was such an amazing movie for its time. It's amazing today, too, but could you imagine when it came out? The effect it had on people in theaters? It pushed creative limits. It was a masterpiece."

Callie adjusts her grip on Cole, "He told me when he was little, for every birthday until he was around thirteen, he would wish for the same thing. He wanted the life he was meant to have; he wanted to start from the beginning but with everything the way it was supposed to be." Her eyes slip clothes and she lets out a sigh that seems to come from deep within her. It's equal parts sadness and resignation.

"Callie," I call her name softly, "We can't stay here, Love, do you understand?"

"I'm not leaving him!" Callie shouts loudly, redoubling her hold. I see Lena jump in my peripheral vision, "I promised him I would be there for him! I already failed him once. I can't…" she trails off as tears make their way down her face.

Lena clears her throat, "Callie, your friend Cole? That isn't him. That's just a…vessel," she says, gesturing at the huddled teens as she tries her best to explain, "What made him who he was, his essence, is no longer here. And it hurts, Honey, I know. It hurts to know you won't talk to him again or see him again. I know you want to protect him, but this isn't the way. You loved Cole, and he knew that. He was never alone and he never will be, not as long as you keep him in your heart."

Callie shakes her head and I see her grip loosen marginally on the knife, "Please, Sweetheart," Lena pleads, "Let him go. We're not asking you to forget him. We don't mean for this to negate his existence. We know he was a person, we know that. But you need to let him go."

Finally, we see her resolve begin to deteriorate. Callie drops her head so that her forehead touches Cole's, "I'm so sorry," Callie whispers into his hair, "Please know that." She presses her lips to his forehead and allows them to linger for a moment.

Sensing the shift in mood, I cautiously crawl over to Callie. I wrap my hands around the hand that grips the knife and carefully pry it out of her fingers. I hand it to Lena who places it out of the way.

Callie is sobbing, each cry threatening to rip her apart, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" she weeps repeatedly. I wrap my arms around Cole and gently pull him away from Callie. I lie him down on the floor and close his eyes. Callie has her arms wrapped around her knees; her cries show no signs of stopping soon.

I pull her into me and her fingers grab desperately at my arms and vest. She presses her forehead to my jaw and sobs into my neck, hot tears splashing against my skin. I pull her into my lap and rock her like I would have if I had known her as a baby. Each cry is painful, raw, and yanked from within. I rest my forehead against my daughter's, "We'll get through this," I tell her determinedly, looking into her dark eyes, "I know it feels impossible right now, but we will get through this, Callie." She continues to cry in my arms. I look over at Lena who has tears escaping as well.

"Lena," I say quietly, "Will you stay with Cole while I bring Callie outside?"

"Of course," she breathes. She scoots closer to him and takes his hand in hers. The stark difference in their skin colors is striking.

"Callie," I murmur into my daughter's ear as I gather her close, "Mama is going to stay with Cole. You and I are going to go outside, okay?"

Callie lifts her head up, and seeing Lena's hand gripping Cole's, nods. I help her to her feet and we carefully navigate around Cole. I lead her out into the hallway and towards the stairs where Officer Rodriguez has been waiting. She raises an eyebrow at me and I nod. She begins speaking into her radio as we descend the staircase. Paramedics and police officers run past us as we exit the house.

"Transgender male, sixteen years old," I hear an officer chatter into his radio as he passes us.

"Suicide, D.O.A."

First of all: yay! Gay marriage is FINALLY legal in ALL fifty states! I was so caught off guard by the news—I am not one to take interest in news/government decisions. I truly believe that by the time my generation (current college students) comes to raise their own families/live their own lives, tolerance and acceptance will be more wide-spread and that makes me very happy.

To my L's, G's, B's, T's, Q's, A's, and everyone up, down, around and in between—congratulations.

All my love,

-Liv

P.S.- I promise the chapters will get longer

IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS:

Call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential.