AN: Finally, this is up! I was hoping to have it done a few days ago, but work gets in the way of everything. Not sure when chapter 3 will be up; I haven't actually got a pacing down for this, so chapters may be a bit more sporadic than I originally thought. Also, the chapters will all have names at some point. Don't know what, don't know when, but it'll happen.
WARNINGS: Fifteen year old boy humor. That is to say, dick jokes.
I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they find me out
I just wanna run
-I Just Wanna Run, The Downtown Fiction
To say the four were shell-shocked would be an understatement. No one was able to speak, not even after Sirius attempted to break the ice. They all looked around at each other, and Remus knew what they must all be thinking. He could smell the fear on them all. He wondered, how bad were their visions? How much had they overlapped? James and I had that huge fight, Remus thought with a cringe. I hope he didn't see that. I'm not exactly at my best in that scene. He couldn't help but think of it as a 'scene' still. As if he didn't admit that this was his reality, it wouldn't become it.
Remus could only remember a few in detail, but he knew there had been dozens. Maybe even a hundred. Of the others, he only had flashes of places and faces, never lingering long enough to truly understand what had happened there. Altogether there was more than enough. He hadn't even wanted to do this stupid ritual in the first place. He let himself be talked and coerced into it when he should have followed his gut. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, anger and frustration flowing through him. How could he have been so stupid? He should have stuck to his guns and stopped them.
What had the voice meant at the end? "Your worst timelines are your only timelines." What was that supposed to mean? Remus's research on time and magic surrounding it hadn't turned up anything to help him here. The voice may have meant that he was going to live out multiple timelines, each with horrors and pain equal to what he saw in his visions. It could have meant, too, that all the events had originally been from other timelines and were now superimposed onto this one. One thing was clear; that rite could not have been meant to be performed. The magic that governed it was volatile and dangerous. It had the power to change time itself. Remus had no doubt that it intended to punish everyone who used the spell the same way.
Remus forced himself to exit his mind and rejoin the Marauders in the dark tunnel. He wasn't sure whom he wanted to spend more time staring at. James and Peter could be gone in just six short years. Sirius could betray him in just months. His friends seemed to have similar dilemmas. Sirius's eyes flickered between James and Peter. James couldn't rip his gaze from his own hands. Peter was gaping at James. Remus knew they must all be dwelling on the same point in time. How much had each seen of what would happen? Had he seen Sirius betray him?
No! Remus stomped the treacherous thoughts down. Sirius didn't do it. I won't think that about him, no matter what the Ministry says! Since when had he trusted the Ministry anyhow? He knew that should they decide they wanted the disgraced Black heir to take the fall, he would take the fall. The Aurors convicting him meant nothing, especially when he knew from Dumbledore's letter he wouldn't be receiving a trial. Nothing said, "We're giant bloody liars and afraid you'll reveal the truth," like incarceration without a trial.
A voice in the back of his head, remarkably similar to the eerie voice of the spell, whispered evil words. "You won't always feel like that." it reminded him. "Remember how you're future self believed? I wonder, what could make you distrust him so?"
Sirius reached out and took his hand. When he held Sirius's palm against his own, the warmth of his hand was reassuring. He could smell the honesty, the loyalty and love. Remus offered him a shaky smile as he squeezed back.
Remus glanced at James. Even in the dark, he could see he was pale as a ghost. His tongue flicked out, licking his lips constantly. They all watched him, and his eyes darted between them. "Y-You all saw it, didn't you?" His voice was barely more than a whisper. No one spoke for a minute. "1981, it said. The year I-" but he was unable to continue.
Another beat of silence. "I didn't see it happen," Peter offered after a moment, "But I saw... myself finding out."
Remus nodded. "I saw myself the same way. But... I'm not sure. It was confusing." They all looked to Sirius now, but he said nothing. Lips pursed, his eyes were narrowed at Peter. What happens between them? Remus wondered. It must've been awful, considering that look. Even Peter, who could be a bit blind to such things, seemed uncomfortable under Sirius's scrutinizing gaze.
"I... didn't understand what I saw." Sirius said stiffly, his eyes not leaving Peter. Remus made the connection now; Sirius had seen something to do with James that involved Peter. James, thankfully, didn't seem to notice. Remus didn't think he needed whatever Sirius was thinking on his mind as well at the moment.
"Lads, I..." James licked his lips again. He pulled his glasses off his face and began to polish them, but eventually just set them down in his lap. "I don't think I can talk about this right now." he admitted. "It needs to be talked about, but..."
Peter nodded and began to stand. "Not tonight." James nodded and looked at them with something akin to sternness, as though this was an order. Usually, that wouldn't slide. There were no leaders in the Marauders, no bosses. In this case, no one needed to agree that James had the right to choose what would happen. He'd been the one who'd suggested this and so it was his mess to clean up.
"We've been through hell with this bloody book," James continued, motioning to the still open tomb, "and we all need some rest. Let's talk about it in a day or two, after we've all had time to think. Agreed?" They all nodded and murmured their assent. Remus and Sirius stood now too, brushing the dirt off of their robes. Sirius picked up the tomb and Peter handed the Cloak to James, who hadn't stood. He waved it off.
"You go on." He said to them, staring at the floor. "I'll... I'll see you later. Take the Cloak."
Remus blinked, taken aback by the suggestion. "You can't do a Disillusionment." he protested. "What if you're seen on the way back?" And why would you want to stay behind in the first place? It struck him as a little suspicious, but perhaps he just needed the time alone. He was glad to see that Sirius had taken the book. He was more than a little worried that James would do something rather drastic to try and take back what had been done.
James smiled, but it was humorless. "I don't think I'm going to bed tonight, Moony." he disclosed. "I need to think."
Peter raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Remus wondered if he was thinking the same thing he was. "What, you're just going to stay out here all night?"
"Leave it, Wormy." Sirius muttered, taking the boy lightly by the arm and tugging him towards the entrance. "He just needs some time."
Remus followed, a little uncomfortable. He didn't speak until they were outside the passage and the statue of the witch was back in place. "You aren't worried that he'll..." his voice trailed off.
"That he'll what?" Sirius asked. "Try to hurt himself? Someone else? Try to change the future?" he shook his head. "Unless Snivellus comes poking his head around here, I reckon he can contain his homicidal urges."
"And the last one?"
Sirius gave him an odd look, somewhere between disbelief and concern. "You don't really think he'd do something like that, do you?" he questioned. "After what's already happened?"
Remus frowned, thinking it over. "Not in his completely rational state. But let's face it, lads. He can't be entirely here right now. I mean, he's just seen his own..." he couldn't say it, but it didn't need saying. They all nodded.
Peter chewed his lip in thought. "D'you think one of us should stay behind with him?"
"That'll just make him mad." Sirius said, shaking his head.
"How about this?" Remus suggested. "If he's not back by the time we all wake up, we'll come find him." This they could all agree to. They threw the cloak over themselves - with only the three of them, Remus could fit if he hunched down a bit - and made their way back to the dorm. None of them spoke once they started walking. Remus tried to keep his thoughts at bay, but it was useless. His mind flooded him with thoughts and pictures on his visions. Most of them were the ones he had seen rather little of. He could remember a hallway where a duel was taking place in one, where Remus lay on the floor unconscious and his friends fought off a group of Slytherins. In another, James magically dangled Snape from his ankle out by the Lake. Lily was running over to them as James taunted the furious boy. They swirled in his mind, each seeking to cause him as much anxiety and pain as possible. What could be avoided, and what was set in stone? Inside him, the wolf roared in glee. Strong emotions, especially negative ones, brought it closer to the surface. There was nothing Moony liked more than having more influence in Remus's decisions. The visions of death though, of losing his pack, brought them both torment and fear. If even Moony's afraid, Remus thought unsettled, than I have every reason to.
Finally, they reached the dorm. It seemed like ages until they were through the portrait hole, across the commons, up the stairs, into bed. Remus would have liked nothing more than to collapse into bed and pretend as though none of this happened. He would have given anything to make the world disappear. Most nights now, Remus slept in Sirius's bed or vice versa. Did he want that kind of closeness now? He wasn't sure if what he needed was to seclude himself or to take solace in his mate. Sirius seemed as hesitant. They stood in the doorway, looking at each other for a long minute. Peter brushed past them both and climbed into his own bed; he was used to this silent communication. Both the other Marauders had learned long ago that should they need to be included in the conversation, they would be alerted.
Eventually Sirius took his hand and led him to his own bed. Remus followed willingly. Neither of them bothered to change into pajamas. Instead, they shed their robes and curled up in what was underneath. Sirius wore a Muggle t-shirt, his own form of silent rebellion. Remus had always dressed in Wizards robes only, ever since he was a small child, so he wore only his pants underneath*.
Remus curled up under the blankets next to Sirius, suddenly exhausted. He rested his head on Sirius's chest, whom put his arm around him and hugged him close. His grip was tight, as though he was afraid to let go. Remus was afraid too, afraid that if he let go that he would drift away and be lost forever to the tragedies of the future. He in turn clung desperately to Sirius's shirt.
No one slept well that night. Remus had no idea what time it was when he finally dozed off, but when he woke it felt like mere seconds had passed. He realized as he stretched that it was a Saturday, though. No classes meant that no one would notice or care if they weren't quite awake. Sirius hadn't woken yet, and Remus was tempted to snuggle back into his arms and try to go back to sleep. James still wasn't in his bed, though. Remus didn't smell him, so he must not have returned last night. With a quiet groan, he slowly sat up. He reached over and shook Sirius. "Wake up." he said softly, leaning down to press a kiss to his neck. Sirius barely stirred. Remus shook him a little harder. "Sirius." This time, his eyes fluttered open.
"Ugh." Sirius rubbed his eye with a palm. "Must we get up?" he asked, voice slurred with sleep.
"James isn't back." he told him. That stopped the protests. Immediately, he sat up and stretched his arms over his head.
Remus pulled yesterdays robes over his head, not caring they were dirty. "'Spose we have to go and find him, then?" Sirius grumbled.
Peter must have already been awake, as he spoke up from somewhere else in the room. "He might have just gone to breakfast." he suggested.
"You just want food." Sirius accused as he rolled out of bed, pushing back the curtains. He stumbled over to his trunk and fished out the first pair of robes he laid his hands on.
Peter at least had the courtesy to look indignant. "That's not so!" he insisted. "Prongs might have fallen asleep and then when he came out, saw how light it was and went to breakfast."
"I don't know about that..." Remus thought about it for a second. "Well, he might have just thought we would meet him there." he admitted.
"That's what I just said!"
"Not quite."
"Well, it's what I meant!"
"Sure, Wormtail." Sirius finished slipping into his clothing. "C'mon, let's go check."
They made their way down into the commons and out the portrait hole. Remus almost expected to be stopped and asked where James was, but thankfully no one did. He wasn't sure what sort of excuse they would give. Not to mention they were notoriously bad at lying as a group. It was the main reason they were caught when it came to pranking.
The Great Hall was nearly empty. It was late in the morning, so most people had already finished their breakfast. Remus was glad for this; the less people around, the less there were to notice or overhear something. It occurred to him for a moment that perhaps he was over thinking this, placing too much concentration on their public persona. He pushed this thought away; he had every right to be nervous. He knew the things that could happen should you not be guarded enough. I saw them in my vision.
Remus was relieved that James was, in fact, in the Great Hall. To the untrained eye, he seemed entirely unperturbed. Remus knew better. His hair was a bit dirty and his robes were a bit disheveled. Anyone who knew James knew he put a lot of time and effort into his appearance. The fact that he hadn't even taken slight measures to clean up said quite a bit. Personality wise, he seemed to be in the best shape of them all. He joked with a boy next to him, some Gryffindor in his fourth year that Remus didn't know. His smile and laughter seemed to rub off on Sirius and Peter. Both of them straightened up some and smiles threatened their faces. It was good for all of them to see their friend in better spirits, even if it might have been an act.
When James saw them approach, he excused himself from the conversation. He stood and walked towards them. "Lads," he greeted.
"Hey." Sirius said, clapping him on the shoulder. Peter and Remus smiled at him. "How's the morning treating you?"
"Surprisingly well." he told them. He pushed his glasses up and shoved his hands in his pockets. He's not as fine as he would have us believe, Remus thought to himself. He was functioning, though. That he could fake it was at least something. "You guys should eat something."
Remus shook his head. "I'm not hungry."
"You especially should eat." James chastised him. "I know how your metabolism is. You need the food."
Sirius nodded. Remus tried to think up a reason making him eat wouldn't be a good idea, but none came to him. They were right, after all. He sighed. "I suppose I can try." he submitted.
Peter was already seating himself at their usual spots at the table and dishing himself out food. Remus sat next to him, and James and Sirius sat on the other side. Serving himself food was always a bit of a challenge. The serving bowls were silver - lined. Should he touch one and someone saw the burns, he would be as good as revealed. The spoons, thankfully, were safe to touch. It took a bit of skill to make sure he didn't slip up and hurt himself. He had a good track record though; of the five years he'd been at Hogwarts, he'd only badly burned himself maybe three times.
Only Sirius and James made real efforts to behave normally. James by himself had been passable, but somehow with Sirius even he couldn't have told they were putting on a show. Remus supposed that, with Sirius, it must have come with practice. He to have developed some way to survive his childhood; being a very good actor would have been essential. He thought that perhaps he was taking it a bit far. He pulled out his wand, in front of Professor McGonagal, and hexed a Hufflepuff third year. The girl squealed in shock as her ears suddenly moved to the top of her head and transformed into donkey ears. McGonagal didn't look surprised in the slightest. With a sigh, she stood and made her way down to the student benches.
"Black, detention with me tonight." She called in a bored tone. "Come, Ms. Wilson, don't mind them." she said as she ushered the Hufflepuff out of the room, presumably to the Hospital Wing. The girl shot Sirius a nasty look over her shoulder. Sirius, in turn, smiled prettily and waved.
"That wasn't nice, Padfoot." Remus attempted to admonish him. His voice came out just as dull as the professors.
Sirius shrugged. "Someone had to do something." he defended himself. "People were starting to give us looks."
Peter looked around curiously. "I didn't notice anything."
"You wouldn't notice if your own behind fell off." Sirius said, with a roll of his eyes. Peter grumbled at this teasing, but said nothing.
Remus had to admit, he hadn't noticed anything either. Nothing could be said now to take Sirius's hasty actions back, though, so no point in pushing it. He pushed a sausage around on his plate. James, however, kept pushing it. "Right." he said dryly, raising an eyebrow. "They would have taken one look at us and thought, 'Those Marauders, I'll bet there were performing Dark Magic last night. I can tell by the circles under their eyes.'" He said 'Dark Magic' in a whisper, glancing at the last of the Gryffindors sitting a few feet away. Peter snickered and Sirius scowled.
"That's not what I meant. I'm just not keen on anyone knowing something's wrong at all."
"You look like you're forcing it." James said, looking straight into his eyes.
Even Peter, who admittedly did have a habit of not seeing the obvious, nodded in agreement. "Seriously, Sirius." The other three collectively rolled their eyes. "Even I wasn't believing that."
Other than his reaction to the name pun, Sirius acted as though he hadn't heard Pete at all. "I guess it did look a little forced, maybe." he admitted. Remus and James shared a questioning look. Sirius and Peter may never have been extremely close, but this was out of character treatment. "I'm just... I'm paranoid, is all." What was maybe more confusing was that Peter didn't look surprised or hurt at all. He showed more shame than anything else.
Remus almost asked about his behavior. He was curious as to what had happened between them. Usually when there was a feud, the others knew about it. The Marauders didn't keep secrets. Remus had a feeling it had something to do with what would happen to them in the future, though. He hadn't failed to notice that no one had shared specifics on what they had seen. Though they had agreed to wait on any sort of discussion, he still thought someone would have brought forth something. He restrained himself, though. This wasn't the place.
"Just tell people I'm feeling off and you're worried." Remus offered. He didn't really think all this lying was necessary, but it seemed to make the others feel better. Was that a good or a bad thing? "I think I'd be fairly good at pretending to be sick."
The others thought about that. "And more importantly, everyone would believe it." James agreed. He exhaled and slouched over slightly. "Wonder why that feels like such a load off."
Nods all around. "Odd we're so worried about what others'll think." Peter said. No one responded, but Remus silently agreed. Why was this so important right now? So they could take the attention off the real problem, but still pretend as though they were dealing with it? I don't want to ever have to think about it again, he brooded. It wasn't healthy to avoid it, he knew, but he was having trouble caring.
Sirius, who had joined James in slouching over the table, straightened up again. "What about the professors?" he questioned. Remus saw what he was doing; he wanted to drag this conversation out as long as possible, so they never really had to talk. He didn't call him out on it. "They won't buy, 'Moony's sick'. They know about his furry little problem."
James frowned and gave a nervous laugh. "You're assuming we'll be out of it that long." No one spoke. "Ah, c'mon lads!" he scolded. "We can't let this get the best of us!"
Remus and Peter exchanged a look. "We've got a lot on our minds, James." Especially you. "It's no good putting a time limit on these sorts of things. You'll only further stress yourself out."
Peter nodded in agreement. "Everyone will know something's off if we're having anxious breakdowns in class." Remus supposed he would know. Peter had always been the most nervous and easily stressed out of their group. Although, he'd become much more blase about getting into trouble in recent years. They were a bad influence on the boy.
The rest of breakfast was eaten in silence. Afterwards, they traipsed out to the lake. It was a nice day, and the temperature was quickly rising. Despite this, not many people were outside. Remus spotted the odd couple or two sitting near the lake, but they were far out of earshot. The Ravenclaw Quidditch team practiced on the pitch. Other than them, he supposed many of the others were inside studying for finals. Something we should be doing as well. OWL's were coming up for them, and he was certain he was going to fail his Potion's exam. James was doing awful in Care of Magical Creatures, and Peter could use help with... well, everything. Remus had no motivation to work himself or to make the others work, though, so he went along with them.
By noon, it was warm enough out that Remus could stand the air without a sweater, barely. The others, however, were still fairly wrapped up. Remus had always been a walking heater, though. It came with the whole werewolf thing. The warmth gave him comfort, though. It was a sign that spring was really here, that the world hadn't ended. Some normalcy would do them all some good, Merlin knew.
They lay on their backs, staring up at the sky. No one mentioned past events, no one even tried to talk. They were all staunchly avoiding the subject in hopes of being able to simply move past it. Remus had no desire to dash those hopes, not yet. Besides, cloud-watching was much more fun then serious discussions about their futures.
Just when the tense silence began to be too much to handle, James pointed up at the sky. "Are you seeing this, lads?" he pointed up at the sky incredulously, choking with the effort to hold back laughter. It took a moment for the others to see where he was pointing. When they did, it was hard to keep their laughter contained.
"Oh my god," Peter gasped. "It's a dick shaped cloud."
The giggles would not be contained after that. Soon they were rolling in the grass from laughter. Remus's sides hurt, and he couldn't get enough air. The few students who lingered around the lake gave them odd looks, but weren't close enough to know what had caused their loss of control. This only made them laugh harder.
Once Sirius could breathe, he reached for his wand. "Whoever is in charge of cloud making," he declared, "has not studied their anatomy."
Both James and Remus realized what was coming next.
"Why don't we help them out then?" James suggested, pulling his own wand out with a conspiratorial grin.
"I will give you anything if you don't do that." Remus begged, sitting straight up. He stared wide-eyed at the two. Surely they wouldn't...
Sirius looked innocently at him. "Do what?" he asked. "This?" Together, James and Sirius pointed their wands up at the sky. With a flourish, the cloud became profoundly more detailed and life-like. Had it not been stark white, Remus could have been fooled into thinking that it was an actual penis in the sky.
"That is exactly what I was hoping you would not do." Remus groaned. He massaged his temples and looked dejectedly up at the sky. So far, no one else seemed to have noticed.
Peter nodded at the two of them. "Impressive."
Sirius grinned. "Why, thank you, Wormtail." Whatever the quarrel had been, it seemed that it was being dropped for the sake of mischief making.
Remus frowned at him. "Don't encourage him, Wormtail."
"Don't worry, Pads. Remus just doesn't understand good humor." James said consolingly, patting his friend on the back. He tilted his head at the sky, thoughtfully watching his masterpiece. "It looks a little lonely, don't you think?"
Remus buried his face in his hands. The other two cocked their head at the sky in contemplation as well. "It does." Peter agreed.
"It definitely gives off the unhappily isolated sort of air." Sirius admitted. This time, it was Peter's turn to pull out his wand. Transfiguration was one of his better areas, and he delighted in any chance to show off in front of them.
"Luckily for you, I'm the only one of us who can offer some variety."
"You?" James asked interestedly. "How come?"
Peter straightened himself importantly. "I'm the only one of us four who's seen a girl naked." Sirius made a noise of disgust, and Remus looked up to make a face as well. James, however, looked interested in the implied addition.
"Don't ruin my great work of art with that." He said, wrinkling his nose.
James swatted him. "Girls are just as attractive as guys." he informed him. "Besides, it's my creation to. I say it should be allowed."
Sirius turned to Remus. "What do you think, Moony?"
"I refuse to have any sort of imput." Remus said, now lying on his stomach and drawing shapes in a dirt patch and praying that any moment now he would cease to exist. Anything to make it clear that he was not himself involved in this activity.
James grinned. "Out voted, then!" he said triumphantly. With this, Peter took a deep breath and waved his own wand at the sky. It took a great deal more concentration for him, and before he could truly begin, a shout was heard. The few students that were left had noticed the cloud, and were attracting a great deal of attention to it. The Marauders grinned at the small amount of chaos, but the smiles fled their faces when angry looks turned in their directions. Peter hastily lowered his wand, abandoning his own cloud.
"Lads, we might want to get a move on." James suggested calmly, standing and brushing dirt from his robes. "Before a professor comes out and gives us all detentions." They all agreed, Remus most enthusiastically, and hurried toward the castle.
"You three," Remus grumbled breathlessly as they entered the great double doors of the castle and slowed their pace to a quick walk, "have the most immature sense of humor I've ever had the misfortune to encounter."
Sirius rolled his eyes at that. "Aw, come off it. You thought it was plenty funny before." he reprimanded him.
"It was funny." He admitted freely. "Until you decided the weekend wasn't complete until we all have detention with McGonagal." In fact, Remus wouldn't have been surprised if that exactly had been Sirius's goal. He was very much an extrovert, and despised being alone for even short periods of time.
Peter patted Sirius on the back. "Cheer up, mate. We'll just sneak in."
It was Remus's turn to roll his eyes - sneaking into detention. What a ridiculous idea! James, however, looked thoughtful. "That's not such a bad idea, Wormy." he said slowly.
"What'll they do, give you detention?" Sirius smiled wickedly. "Brilliant, Wormtail! You might make a great Marauder yet!" Peter beamed ear to ear and the praise.
"Count me out." Remus bit back. He felt much crosser than the situation warranted, but he couldn't understand why. The others didn't immediately notice.
"Don't be such a spoilsport, Rem." Sirius whined. Remus gritted his teeth and counted to ten. He'd very much have liked to put Sirius in his place, but he knew he shouldn't. Sirius hadn't actually done anything wrong. Well, not more wrong than usual. So why did he feel like punching him?
"I'm a prefect, Black." he snapped. That got their attention; Remus only ever used last names if he was really pissed. "Odd as it may sound, I really don't feel like getting into any unnecessary trouble. For once, I would like to spend my evening doing something productive instead of serving detention because of one of your hare-brained schemes." With that, he stormed off in the direction of the dorms. No one followed after him.
Remus walked back in silence, even his own mind not throwing up any discussion. Past the portrait hole, a couple more students than he would have liked to be around were chatting away. He continued his storming to his own dorm, but immediately realized that he didn't really want to be alone. Sighing, he rummaged through his trunk and pulled out mug and packet of Muggle instant hot chocolate mix. It was a good thing to have on hand, he thought. It had saved him a couple of trips to the kitchens in his time. A simple spell filled his cup with hot water and he poured in the mix as walked out of the room, stirring it magically by swirling a finger over the top. It was the only wandless magic he could really do well, and he thought it said a lot about him. The first wandless spell he had learned wouldn't help protect him or fix something broken, but make hot cocoa.
He curled himself into one of the two overstuffed chairs by the fireplace. He was surprised that, with the number of people in the room, they hadn't been taken. Then again, most people were studying for their OWL's with their friends, so perhaps it made sense that they would be sitting on the floor, or at one of the surrounding small tables. Staring into the flames, his brain began to start working again, throwing thoughts out into his conscious. He wondered, why was this happening to him? Why, after he'd managed to stay more or less controlled the whole day, was he suddenly lashing out? He'd been beginning to think that he would be able to fake his way through dealing with the trauma, praying that he would be able to brush it off easily. It wasn't the wolf, that he knew. He couldn't explain it, but the wolf felt different. As though someone one else was taking over his body. This time, it was all him.
So, what then? Remus wasn't typically the sort of person to get angry when agitated. He was more the type to close in on himself, to hide under a table in the library. When faced with a problem, Remus prided himself on his ability to think rationally. It was a skill severely under-represented in the Marauders. Come to think of it, it was probably that skill that made Dumbledore choose him as a prefect. He'd always wondered, what good would making him prefect do when Dumbledore knew perfectly well the sort of company he kept? That just made him feel worse. After everything the Headmaster had done for him, he was letting him down. He couldn't even keep his friends under control.
"You've already let him down," said the strange voice, again echoing from somewhere in the back of his mind. "by performing that Dark magic. What would Dumbledore think if he knew what you had done? Looks like you're just another Dark creature after all..." That last part hit him like a ton of bricks. He buried his face in his knees and cursed the voice to all hell, wishing it could have just stayed in that stupid spell. That wouldn't have been painful enough though, wouldn't have thrown his mistakes into his face every time he was feeling weak. He didn't care if he looked like a petulant child in this position. Tears were threatening his eyes.
Merlin, he was so stupid! What would his professors think of him if they ever found out? He knew most of them had disapproved of his admittance to Hogwarts, and that many were still wary. If not of him, than at least of the... thing that he turned into once a month. Just one incident, one slip up, and that was all it would take for them to turn against him. If they got enough support and, Merlin forbid, they revealed his secret to the parents, Dumbledore wouldn't have any choice. He would be expelled and his wand would be broken. He would go down in history as Remus Lupin, the werewolf who proved once and for all that none of his kind could ever be trusted. This was more than just a minor slip up, too.
The tears flowed freely now. Remus didn't want to cry, not here in front of everyone. It was too late, though. If he were to get up now, everyone would see. Perhaps if he just stayed quiet, no one would notice.
"Remus?" a concerned voice came from behind him. Light footsteps walked past him and settled into the other large chair. Lily Evans, he realized. "Are you okay?'
Crap. "I'm fine." he tried his best to keep his voice even and steady, but it was no use. Instead, it came out watery and thick. He didn't have to look up to see that Lily didn't believe him for a second.
A hand reached out and gently touched his foot, the only part of him in reach from the other chair. "Tell me what's wrong."
Remus shook his head helplessly, still not lifting it from his knees. "I can't." he told her. "You wouldn't believe me anyways."
"Of course I would." she insisted, but she didn't push the matter any further. They sat their in silence for a second "Is there at least anything I can do?" Remus shook his head once more. "Poppycock. I'm not going to let you sit here, obviously hurting, and do nothing."
Remus raised his eyes just enough to catch a glimpse of her face. She looked serious about that. He chewed on his bottom lip, thinking. Obviously, he couldn't tell her the truth. Not the whole truth, anyways. Talking to someone could help, though. Usually he would talk to Sirius or James or maybe Peter, but they all had enough to deal with as it was. He didn't want to dump his insecurities on them. He'd have to be careful how he phrased things so she didn't catch on to his half lies.
"Let's go to my room." he said, wiping his eyes a little on his knees before lifting his head all the way. At her hesitant expression, he assured her, "James isn't there. He's off planning on getting himself into trouble."
Lily pursed her lips in disapproval. "And Black?" she asked. "He's actually agreed to leave you on your own for once?"
Remus had to chuckle. "I didn't give him much of a choice." he admitted. "It's just you and me." He wiped his red-rimmed eyes again with the heel of his hand before offering her his arm.
"Should it have been anyone else, I would be suspicious," she said as she got up and took his arm with a grin, "but I happen to know you're a giant pansy."
"Doesn't everyone?" he said dryly. The amount of rude notes he'd gotten over the last year and a half certainly made him think so. Sirius was flamboyant enough for the both of them. Once he'd acknowledged his own affections, he had no trouble expressing it. It wasn't until the hate started flowing in that he learned to keep it under wraps. By then, though, the damage had already been done. Many were scared to mess with the Blacks, even if the Black in question was Sirius - everyone knew they were inbred and not all there. So Remus had been the primary target. It had largely stopped, but he couldn't care less either way. He'd become pretty desensitized. "I've heard enough comments." he said, leaving it at that.
Lily shot him a questioning glance as they ascended the staircase. "Is that what this is about?" she asked. "Has someone said something to you?"
Remus shook his head. "No, that's not it." he opened the door to their dorm for her and Lily plopped herself down on his bed. She didn't need to ask which was his, half because his was the only one made and half because she had been in the room before. James would either kill him or worship him if he knew, but he and Lily were actually quite good friends.
He fished a second mug and another packet of hot chocolate out of his trunk and set about preparing it for Lily. He wondered how he was supposed to phrase this. How did he say enough to make himself feel better, but not venture too close to the truth? After all, it was all intertwined with the stupid spell from last night. It feels so much further away than that.
"It's like this." Remus said as he sat down, handing Lily her finished mug. He muttered a quick spell to reheat his mostly untouched mug. "I'm just... very stressed over OWL's."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "That's the whole of it, is it?"
"Not the whole of it." he admitted. "But it's the root." He wasn't totally lying with that one, he reasoned. He was stressed about the tests, and even more about how he should have started studying weeks ago, especially for Potions.
"Then what?" Remus sighed and pushed a hand through his hair.
"The boys, somewhat as well." Lily nodded, understanding the boys to mean the other Marauders. "They have a... much different way of handling stress than I do." he explained. "When I'm in over my head, I shut out everything else. I close in on myself until I come up with a solution, and then I don't rest until the solution works.
"But the others, they're more of the avoidance type. Sirius especially. He just pretends as though the problem doesn't exist. And to make it more... tangible, I guess, they take their usual pranks to an extreme."
"Like when a particularly nasty prank follows one of my rejections." Lily observed.
Remus nodded. "So you noticed." he remarked, impressed. "Exactly like that."
Lily thought for a minute. "So... what? Important tests are coming up and the boys are being rowdier than usual? I haven't noticed anything..."
Remus shook his head. "It's only just starting. I suppose it's more of an, 'I know what's going to happen and it's stressing me out.'. You'll see it more over the next couple of weeks, most likely."
"That does sound awful." Lily said sympathetically. "I can't imagine having to deal with them all the time."
Remus chewed his bottom lip. "Lily, do you know why Dumbledore made me a prefect? Me, of all people?" She shrugged.
"I hear surrounding yourself with idiots is a good way to make yourself seem smarter in comparison." she deadpanned. Remus couldn't tell if she was joking or not, but he laughed anyways. He almost made a comment about her friend Alice, but thought better of it.
"He never told me, exactly," he pushed on, "but I strongly suspect it had something to do with hoping I could... tame them. As though if he gave me more responsibility, I would be able to have a tighter hold on their leashes or something."
Lily snorted. "What, after four years you would suddenly turn on them or something?" she laughed. "Sorry, that was a little rude."
"No, it's fine. You're right." It was exactly what he had thought himself. "Whatever his reasoning, I don't want to let him down. Dumbledore's done so much for me."
"But you don't want to betray your friends." Lily nodded in understanding. He smiled, nodding back. Even though she didn't like them, she was still able to understand where Remus was coming from. It was one of the reasons he liked her so much. "Maybe you don't have to totally stop their pranks." she suggested.
Remus almost choked on his drink. "What?" he sputtered. "You're actually suggesting that I let them continue unhampered? You?"
Lily swatted his arm. "Of course not unhampered. It's not the pranking that's the real problem. It's the way they target people to humiliate or hurt them."
She had a good point, he thought. "Redirect them." he said slowly. "Instead of pranks that harm, pranks that are actually fun and everyone would enjoy. Something that makes them laugh, but not at anyone else's expense." It was a wonderful idea. How hadn't he thought of that one himself? Perhaps because it would be hard to carry out. James and Sirius would be loath to give up teasing Snape, for one, or embarrassing any of the Slytherins.
"I'm not sure how you'd do it, of course, but I'm sure it could be done." Lily continued, seemingly reading his thoughts. "Remember the time they charmed the armor to scream insults at everyone who passed?"
How could Remus forget? "Unfortunately." That had been a nightmare of a spell. They'd had to charm each individual set of armor one by one, and at the end a few still hadn't been done. It didn't matter though; it seemed as though once the ones left out saw what everyone else was up to, they went to great lengths to look charmed as well. In addition to shouting insults, they herded Peeves into full classrooms, followed students while singing awful songs about them they'd made up, and actually tried to hit one or two. It had been a disaster.
"Instead of that, a good substitute would be charming them to compliment everyone, or to serenade them." she suggested. "Start small."
"It has promise." He set his now empty mug on the floor and leaned back against the bed. "I could definitely try to work something out."
Lily beamed. "I'm glad." she said. "It'll be nice to have a little less chaos around." she stood and smoothed out her robes. She handed her mug back to Remus, and he put it down next to his own. Then she took his hand. "I do hope you're feeling better."
Remus smiled. "Lots." he assured her. "Thanks."
"My pleasure." she grinned. Then her face screwed up in thought. "To help you feel better. Not to see you sad." she clarified. Remus laughed and patted her hand. With a last smile, she left the room.
It was getting late, and the sun had all but completely set. The room was dark. Remus didn't bother lighting any candles, though. His eyes had already adjusted, and he didn't have to worry about the Marauders. The others knew better than to come after him, even after he'd had a little time to cool down, and he knew better than to wait up. McGonagal would probably keep them extra long for whatever James and Peter did to get themselves in. He highly doubted sneaking into detention would work; they'd have to actually get themselves in trouble. He shuddered to think what they might get themselves into. Hopefully nothing illegal.
He stewed in his thoughts for a while. He once tried to take out his books and do a bit of homework, but he only managed to get a few lines of his Charms essay written before he gave up. It was no use, he just couldn't concentrate on anything. He did have that DADA essay as well though, that had an open topic. You could write about whatever you wished, so long as it had to do with magical defense. Perhaps he could write about Dark spells and get something done...
Remus pulled out James's book from where it had, at some point, been buried in his trunk. He flipped through the pages, squinting at the messy writing. It appeared as though the book had been hand written by a five-year old. Even after lighting a candle, all the text seemed to swim in front of him, never staying in one place long enough to be read. Puzzling it out was quite draining, and he found that even though it couldn't be later than 20:00, his eyes were drooping. Soon he was asleep, his head on the pillow with the tomb still open next to him. His hand rested on the page, and he dreamed that the book grabbed him by that wrist and sucked him in, forcing him to relieve all his worst memories over and over until he screamed.
*: I've always headcanon-ed Hogwarts robes different from what we see in the movies. I think of them as solely robes, incorporating none of the Muggle clothing seen in the films such as collared shirts, pants or skirts. Underneath is what would resemble a floor length black dress, only not quite fitted even for the girls. Over it would be the sort of robes seen in the movies, with the Hogwarts insignia and colored insides of the hoods. However, students are allowed to wear Muggle clothing under their uniforms as long as they are invisible or unobtrusive. For example, collared shirts and ties like seen in the movies would be allowed, but wearing a sweater over your robes would not be. This is almost solely a Muggleborn habit, though. The ones raised in Magical families are more used to robes, and so usually wear them plain.