Was just gonna be a one-shot, but I'm far too much of a genius.
Disclaimer: Is this shit even illegal? Have any of us actually done any legal research on fanfiction? Someone shoot me a PM or something.
Arkham Asylum: I Don't Get Paid Enough for This Crap
El Parto Dos
Patient #280187
Name: Edward Nygma (alias: The Riddler)
Dr. Fitzgerald: Good morning, Edward.
Edward: What's good about it? Aside from the fact that you get to converse with an intellect such as mine, of course.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Well, aside from the obvious shining sun and chirping birds, I found twenty dollars in my pants pocket.
Edward: Very droll, doctor. Surely you must be concerned with my most recent puzzle? I don't mean to brag, but I really have outdone myself this time. I don't even mind that the Batman captured me before failing to solve it.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Oh, that. The hostages have already been freed without any casualties.
Edward: ... What?
Dr. Fitzgerald: As I said, the hostages have been-
Edward: I'm not deaf, you blithering fool! How could the Batman have solved my riddle already? Even I couldn't have solved it within a single day.
Dr. Fitzgerald: It wasn't solved. You-
Edward: What?! If it wasn't solved, then how could Batman have found the hostages?
Dr. Fitzgerald: It wasn't the Batman who rescued them.
Edward: ... Excuse me?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I said it wasn't the Batman. It was-
Edward: I heard you the first time, idiot! Don't tell me it was that simpleton, Nightwing. He couldn't solve a Rubik's cube with a hammer and super glue. Red Robin? No. He may not be a complete vegetable, but there's no way. There's simply no way. Tell me it wasn't the boy. Damien or whatever? If I was outsmarted by a snot-nosed little brat like him, I'll eat my hat.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm trying to tell you, it wasn't Batman or any of his... whatever they are. It was the police.
Edward: ... You're lying.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm promise you that I am not.
Edward: But... no. No! No no no no no no! They wouldn't even know what end of the hammer to swing! How could Gordon-... oh no. Tell me it wasn't Bullock. Even if it was, tell me it wasn't. I don't know if I... I just couldn't... what reason would I have to go on?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sorry, but nobody solved your riddle.
Edward: ... But you just said!
Dr. Fitzgerald: No, I said the police freed the hostages.
Edward: How could they find them if they didn't-... oh, I see what's going on. You're trying to trick me into accidentally revealing their location. I suppose Batman put you up to this. Well played doctor. Almost.
Dr. Fitzgerald: No, I'm quite serious. The police found them in the basement of an abandoned bar about a block from the the Bowery.
Edward: ... How?!
Dr. Fitzgerald: Well, apparently you dropped a matchbook with the bar's logo on it at the crime scene of your first clue. You know, you really should quit smoking, Edward.
Edward: A matchbook?!
Dr. Fitzgerald: Yes. After that it wasn't too difficult for them to work backwards and find the rest of your clues and disarm the traps.
Edward: Was... was it at least Batman who found them all?
Dr. Fitzgerald: No, I'm sorry.
Edward: Then... Gordon?
Dr. Fitzgerald: You already told me you didn't want me to tell you if it was a... certain person.
Edward: I think I'm going to be sick.
Patient #038926
Name: Unknown (alias: Jane Doe)
Dr. Fitzgerald: Good morning.
Jane Doe: Good morning.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I am pleased to meet you, and very much looking forward to our first session.
Jane Doe: I am pleased to meet you, and very much looking forward to our first session.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm glad to hear that.
Jane Doe: I'm glad to hear that.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Um... yes. Well, according to your file, you seem to lack an identity of your own, and take on the personality and mannerisms of an individual through careful observation, before "becoming" that person, after which you... kill them. Would you say that that is accurate?
Jane Doe: Um... yes. Well, according to your file, you seem to lack an identity of your own, and take on the personality and mannerisms of an individual through careful observation, before "becoming" that person, after which you... kill them. Would you say that that is accurate?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Are you... repeating back to me everything that I say?
Jane Doe: Are you... repeating back to me everything that I say?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Jane, I don't believe that continuing in this manner will be particularly helpful in this session.
Jane Doe: Jane, I don't believe that continuing in this manner will be particularly helpful in this session.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Jane, stop that.
Jane Doe: Jane, stop that.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Stop copying me!
Jane Doe: Stop copying me!
Dr. Fitzgerald: Guards!
Jane Doe: Guards!
Patient #483027
Name: Garfield Lynns (alias: Firefly)
Dr. Fitzgerald: Good evening, Garfield.
Garfield: How's it going, doc?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Quite well, thank you.
Garfield: That's great.
Dr. Fitzgerald: And you, Garfield?
Garfield: Real good, real good.
Dr. Fitzgerald: That's what I've been hearing. According to your file, you claim that you've finally gotten over your pyromania. I must admit, I'm not used to my patients making such progress, so it is quite refreshing to know that one of them is hopefully on their way to recovery.
Garfield: Yeah, I've been channeling all that stuff into writing poems.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Poems! How delightful. You know, when I was a boy, I always dreamed of becoming a poet. Sadly, I just never had the talent. So, what kind of poetry moves your soul, Garfield?
Garfield: Well, I think I've been getting pretty good at haikus. Wanna hear one?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I would be honored, Garfield.
Garfield: Ahem.
Fire, fire, burning bright
In the forest of the night
Matches are the shit
Dr. Fitzgerald: That's... that's very good. Very... impressive. Well, it's good that you're channeling your urges in a less destructive manner.
Garfield: I got more.
Dr. Fitzgerald: ... Alright.
Garfield: Great! I'm really proud of this next one.
Stench of burning hair
The sizzling of human skin
I have a boner
Dr. Fitzgerald: That's... wow. Just... wow.
Garfield: Hey, thanks. I came up with another one last night, too. I think it's my best one yet.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Why the hell not.
Garfield: Okay... here's goes.
Batman, the police,
The doctors, and my parents
All you pigs will burn
Dr. Fitzgerald: ... Well! If that's all you got then I think our time is just about done.
Garfield: Nah, I got tons more.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'll give you The Riddler's lighter if you stop.
Garfield: Deal.
Patient #772089
Name: Jervis Tetch (alias: Mad Hatter)
Dr. Fitzgerald: Good evening, Jervis.
Jervis: Why, hello, my good doctor. Marvelous day, isn't it?
Dr. Fitzgerald: I would say so, yes. You seem to be in good spirits.
Jervis: Well, of course I am! It's tea time.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Well, I'll be sure to tell the orderlies to get you some when we're done.
Jervis: Oh, nonsense. We'll have our tea, right here, right now.
Dr. Fitzgerald: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that won't be possible, Jervis.
Jervis: Oh, nothing is impossible, my good man. Now, would you prefer the Darjeeling, or the Earl Grey? Personally, I have always adored Earl Grey - love the dash of citrus! - but I promise I will think nothing less of you for picking the Darjeeling. Perfectly good tea.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Um... but, we don't have any tea. Of any kind.
*Jervis looks surprised*
Jervis: Have you gone mad? Why, it's right here in front of us.
*Jervis gestures to the empty table between them*
Dr. Fitzgerald: Perhaps we should adjust your medication.
Jervis: Oh, pish posh. I've been spitting that out for weeks. *whisper* It makes me gassy. *whisper*
Dr. Fitzgerald: Oh god.
Jervis: Well, since you insist on being indecisive, I'll just choose for the both of us. You don't mind Earl Grey do you?
Dr. Fitzgerald: Uh... no... no, of course not. That would be... wonderful.
Jervis: Splendid! Now, we mustn't waste anymore time. The water has only just started to boil, and you mustn't leave it on the stove for too long, or it starts to lose air bubbles. Air bubbles help to bring out the taste in the tea, you know.
Dr. Fitzgerald: No... I didn't know that.
Jervis: You learn something new everyday, my friend. Now, here you are...
*Jervis sets an invisible cup in front of Dr. Fitzgerald, drops in an invisible tea bag, and proceeds to poor invisible water into the invisible cup with the invisible tea kettle*
Dr. Fitzgerald: Um... thank you, Jervis.
*Jervis repeats the invisible process for himself*
Jervis: Oh, not at all, doctor. Only too happy to do it. You know, as much as I love the look of a nice, fine China tea pot, it's really the wrong thing to do to just leave your tea sitting in there.
Dr. Fitzgerald: ... Really.
Jervis: Oh, quite so. Tea loses its taste very quickly, so you absolutely must brew it by the cup and drink it immediately.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Fascinating.
*Dr. Fitzgerald sighs and tentatively reaches for where Jervis set down the invisible cup*
Jervis: What are you doing? You must let the tea steep for two to four minutes before you can drink it, you silly little man. I like my tea to be flavorful, so I let it go for four, but it's barely been thirty seconds. You might as well just drink hot water.
Dr. Fitzgerald: How lucky I am to have you teach me these things.
Jervis: Oh, think nothing of it. Always happy to impart knowledge of the finer things in life.
*Dr. Fitzgerald and Jervis stare at each other for about half a minute*
Dr. Fitzgerald: So... how bout them Cowboys?
Jervis: Can't stand them. With their spitting, and their dirty boots tracking filth all over your nice clean carpet... and their whiskey. Just a foul lot all around.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Right... look do you wanna talk about psychological stuff or anything, cause I have a golf game in about an hour.
*Jervis looks mildly offended*
Jervis: Doctor, it is tea time. Mental analysis can wait for ten minutes. But if you really must be in such a hurry, then I suppose the tea has steeped for long enough.
Dr. Fitzgerald: Fantastic.
*Dr. Fitzgerald picks up his "cup"*
Jervis: Wouldn't you like some milk or sugar?
*Dr. Fitzgerald stares at Jervis*
Jervis: Ah, a "manly man", I see. Like your tea black, do you? I must admit, without milk or sugar, tea just tastes a touch to bitter for my liking. It's always "One lump, or two?", but...
*Jervis adopts a mischievous expression*
Jervis: I've always preferred three! Ohohohoho!
*Dr. Fitzgerald jerks his hand forward, as if to splash the invisible tea into Jervis' face*
Jervis: Oh god, it burns! It burns! Guards! Get me away from this madman!
Maybe This Is the End, Maybe Not. Fuck if I Know.
Review, don't, I don't give a shit. You probably smell like feet anyway.