Just Let It Begin
AN – Thanks for the reading this far, once again this isn't a retelling, there's more to the episode towards the end.
Chapter Two
"She can't take your bed though…right?"
Amy turned to her best friend as they sat together on the bus, giving the girl her best are-you-kidding-me look. "You know we practically grew up together in that room." Between the numerous slumber parties and homework sessions, half their week was practically spent in the others room. Amy even has a key to Karmas home. Now if only Amy's mother would let Karma have one.
"We still have my room, and besides…whatever room we're in doesn't matter, you're the only reason I'm there." The burst of warmth that covered her cheeks and filled her chest was interrupted with a muffled squeal from behind them. Her cheeks reddened further as she ducked her head. Their classmates had been giggling and whispering at them ever since they stepped foot on the bus, Karma had grabbed her hand like she promised and it wasn't so bad. Annoying though.
Before their Homecoming win and outing, they could have sung and dance naked and still be ignored. Now however, their casual conversations were up for Tumblr posts and Facebook Statuses about Hester's cutest couple. Karma pulls their hands into her lap and using her other hand she cocoons Amy's between them, squeezing them. It was easier to ignore them.
The rest of the day went similar. The Queens are the talk of the school, Amy has been approached more times than she could stand and she ended up hiding on the roof during her lunch, alone. Karma had text her earlier to say she was busy. With what, Amy didn't know, she hadn't got a reply. The same happened when school finished and Amy had to head back home on her own, suffering a bus full of nosy teenagers. She got off a couple of stops earlier.
Lauren was relentless, moments after Amy shut herself in her room, she was interrupted when Lauren demands Amy start to pack up her belongings for their impending room swap. Once Karma finally joins her she's boasting about her new secret relationship, and Amy gets frustrated with the fake relationship. Yet when Karma beckons Amy to take her place on her bed next to her she won't waver.
Karmas happy. At last she has her popularity, her popular boy and an exciting secret relationship. And here's Amy, giving up her room to keep her fake lesbian relationship from her former beauty queen republican mother, forced to endure unwanted attention from her classmates, and having to hear about Karmas adventures with Liam.
If it wasn't for the blinding smile and excitement behind Karmas eyes, Amy would have back out of their faux relationship. Her mother finding out is definitely the biggest issue here. There is always the option of telling her mom that she and Karma are just faking it but…that would just give her mom more ammo against her. It was probably best to just keep the woman out of her business. It means her soon-to-be-sister will have a one up on her, but it won't last forever. Karma did tell her that they just had to give it a while. Amy just had to keep it up.
So she turned to Shane. He owed her one for getting her in this mess anyway, and Amy didn't exactly know anyone else in this whole school, despite all the new friends she's been making.
Maybe she should have been more specific when she told him to butch it up, he isn't fooling anyone, except her mother apparently. In the end it didn't matter, her mom was going to be at the dance reporting the whole lesbian Homecoming Queens thing, and she punctured the wrong fucking tire, not to mention Karmas going to have backseat quickie with the schools hottest boy and now everything is fucked up and Amy just wants to go home. She never planned on going to this stupid dance.
"Maybe I should just not go." Amy considers out loud. "You can just drop me off here, I'll walk the rest of the way." Shane spared her a small look before turning diligently back to the road. He was an uptight driver, Amy noticed, his hands were gripping the steering wheel at ten-and-two, and his eyes never left the road longer than it took to blink. But he picked her up and dressed butch for her so she doesn't comment on it.
"No way. We'll try to distract her or…do something to the camera, whatever." He turned into the school parking lot. "But you and Karma deserve this dance."
Grimacing, Amy doesn't have the heart to tell him it's all fake, but she clutches on to the idea that Karma really does deserve this crown and lying comes easier. "I know. Can't disappoint our queen, can we?"
"That's the spirit. Now go, I have to change shirts and get rid of this hat hair." He shooed her out of his car.
"The hat wasn't necessary y'know?"
"It's always necessary." Amy finds herself smiling with him as they hand in their tickets, but before he could go off towards the bathroom Amy seizes his wrist when she spots her mother and the camera man talking with Lauren. Using her eyes she pleads with him to help and he doesn't hesitate. Together they're running to her mom and Laurens defending her, Amy stares in disbelieve and panic when everything is coming close to a blowing up in her face.
"Mom. Wait!" She tries to call after her mom, if she stops Amy has no idea what she would do but desperation floods her body and she tries because she's heading straight for Karma.
When her mom reaches out to turn around her best friend all she can do is stare stupidly between Karma and her mom, waiting for the inevitable blow up when her mom puts two and two together.
"Amy." Oh god, here it is. She being dragged to a bible camp. "You knew about this?"
"Mom, I wanted to tell you but I was afraid you wouldn't approve."
Here it is. "Oh that's ridiculous." Amy's breath rushed out in a shock kind of relief.
"Really?" She questioned, not quite believing her mom-her mom, was okay with this. A weight she didn't know was there lifted. Her mom approves…of her fake relationship. She's just happy because she doesn't have to lie to her mom about this thing with Karma.
"Honey, her parents are so permissive, it's no big surprise." The joy she felt slips away as both the disappointment Amy feels when knowing her mother really doesn't support them, and the back-handed comments that are saved for Amy, are being used against Karma. Insulting her best friend's parents was normal, Karmas parents did the say in their own way; but to insult Karma.
Things only got worse. "But I'm fine with it…she's not my daughter." Her mom reached out to push some of her hair behind her ear, not even noticing her daughter slowly seething. "Oh, but I do think you should dial back the sleepovers." Her mom whispered as she put back on her show face, and turned back to Karma. Did she really believe that would happen?
Her eyes hardened when her mom left her to go interview Karma, the years of forced religion and back handed compliments built up. How did Amy think her mom would act anyway other than what Amy expected?
Like the decision to kiss Karma, this took little thinking.
Pulling the hair her mother pushed behind her ear back where she wanted it, Amy squared her shoulders and took a deep breath to settle the nerves that begin to flutter in her stomach. What she's about to do could end very, very horribly.
With determine steps, she made her way to Karmas side, taking the crown she earned a surprising look filled with worry from Karma. They both know how her mother could be. Pressing the crown on her head she focused on her mother's face, waiting to gauge the reaction so she knows whether to hide behind Karma or cry with relief. Her mother clearly wasn't good at putting the pieces together, so Amy slides her arm around her girlfriend's shoulders.
"I'm right here mother." Her mom freezes. Karma turns to her, perhaps questioning if she was sure about this. Amy just sends her a wink to reassure Karma that this is what she wants to do. When she turns back her mother stands with her mouth agape but Amy can't take any satisfaction because the camera man is telling them they're live, and Amy wonders if her impromptu surprise has ruined her mother's chance at being a news anchor.
The grip on the hand slung over Karmas shoulders tightens, it gives Amy the determination to continue so she watches as her mother stumbles through a few words before storming off. Amy can't release the tension until the camera man scurries after her flustered mother. The proud smile Karma sent her way made this mess a little better, seeing her mother walk away, while it hurt her to think what her mom may think of her now, it's nothing that she doesn't deserve.
"Are you okay?" Her mom may hate her, but Amy came out…fake come out. Whatever the details, she stood up for herself.
"Yeah." Karma hasn't released her hand, she did however, turn into Amy's body, still smiling at Amy as though she just solved world hunger. "It felt really good actually." The icing on top of the cake came when she saw the open mouthed shock from Lauren. Looks like Amy's keeping her room.
Homecoming Out went amazingly after that, though the moment dampened slightly seeing her mother wiping her eyes by the punch bowl with the cameraman, but Amy was busy on the dance floor with Karma, taking it seriously as when dance around Karmas room to some 80's music. It takes her mind off of the impending conversation she will have to have with her, it works incredible well because all Amy can think of is Karma and her beautiful dress that must be new because there is no way Amy has seen it before.
When the band starts the obligatory slow dance, Karma and Amy slip into position, Karma's hands reaching around Amy's back to rest up on her shoulder blades, Amy's own hands were wrapped around her waist. The thumping in her chest must have been because of the dancing, she thought.
"I'm so proud of you." Karma said into her shoulder.
"For fake coming out?" It seemed wrong now, just not because she wasn't really gay, but it just was. She couldn't quite explain it. Making her mom upset must have hit her harder than she thought.
Karma pulled away from her shoulder, her hands lowering on Amy's back as she did so. They were now inches away from each other's face, further away than their kiss, but with the smooth music and gentle swaying it felt all the more intimate. "For standing up for yourself." Karma corrected with a tiny frown. "Mean, your mom is always giving you these back handed complements-makes me wanna…punch her in the baby maker." They chuckled at the very possible situation. Oh, Karma is polite to a fault when she's faced with Amy's mom, until she's forced with having to listen to how her mom speaks to Amy; then all gloves are off. It only because Amy physically reminds Karma to just forget, a little kick to Karmas shin to stop the girl from insulting her mother back is all Amy had to do.
The fierce protectiveness is just another part of Karma that she loves. "Aww, thanks." Amy then remembers that it's not only her who has big news tonight. Even if Amy would rather not know the sordid details, her obligations as a best friend is to squeal with her. "And I'm proud of you for becoming a woman. Did it hurt?" He better not have hurt her.
"Yeah…That didn't happen." Relief flushes her system. Karma didn't succumb to peer pressure, she hasn't just thrown years of the idea of candles and music, and a bed. Even if Karma sounded really into it on the phone earlier.
"Oh really? Why not?"
Karma shrugs half-heartedly, still swaying with the music. "You were right. Liam just sees me as this cool lesbian…and I want my first time to be special…" Karma sinks back into her shoulder, both of them tightening their hold as Amy rests the side of her head against Karmas, her soft hair and hard metal of the tiara pressed into her cheek. Karma continued near her ear, her breath tickling Amy's neck. "With someone who loves me."
Without warning, without an explanation, Amy's face breaks out in a grin similar to the one she supressed after Karma told her their kiss was great, but unlike before Amy didn't need to hide it. Karma couldn't see. It was stupid, she's just happy that her best friend isn't some floozy. Tempering her smile she finds that she failing, so she just let go; anyone who does see it thinks their dating anyway. Might as well add to their fantasies.
"Which is why I'm gunna make him fall in love with me." It felt like her heart drops in the pit of her stomach. Amy doesn't want Karma to do this, the thought of Liam getting to put his hands on Karma make her miserable, and it has since she saw them kiss all those days ago. And not because Amy wants more for her best friend.
A best friend doesn't want to kiss their best friend in front of all these people, in front of Liam just to show him she could.
Amy loves Karma. Not in the way she should, Amy wouldn't feel her heart plummet if she was just Karmas best friend. The butterflies in her stomach when Karma wraps her arms around her. The tingling in her hand. The heat in her chest; her pounding heart, the hatred that bubbles up when Liam is mentioned. That is not how you love a best friend.
In a moment of realisation, Amy knows that she isn't faking this anymore.
In a single movement Amy released her grip from Karmas waist to press her hands into her shoulders, with a gentle push she put some space between them, finally feeling the room to breathe.
"I…have to go." Refusing to meet Karmas eyes or being put in the position to lie to her, Amy turns and leaves, picking up the pace so she could slip out the gym without Karma following her. Instead of heading for the main exit where Karma would look, Amy headed into the school, it wasn't strictly allowed but it was towards the end of the night and the teachers were more relaxed, so Amy walked freely through the halls without interruption.
This probably wasn't her best idea. In the silence, with only the echo of the band, her thoughts came freely and painfully. Every part of her wants to deny this revelation, that this is just some weird reaction to having to kiss and act as a couple with her best friend. Maybe she just wants to have a boyfriend of her own and Karma is just the only person she know, she tries to rationalise.
Or it might be real, and she chokes at the thought. In the privacy of the empty hallways Amy slumps against someones locker, her hands going up to her face.
She can't love Karma. A girl. Her best friend. But the thought of Liam kissing Karma enrages her. Imagining Karmas lips on her own sent her stomach fluttering and her lips tingle when she remembers that she actually has kissed her best friend.
Sliding down the locker she pulled her legs up and under her chin, pressing her forehead against her knees she took a few shaky breaths, her arms wrapping around her crouched form, holding herself in the secluded hall.
This can't be happening, she repeats to herself, praying that saying it a hundred times will make it true and these feeling will just be a fleeting weakness. Yet as the time passed, and Amy still wanted to go to Karma, dance with her, kiss her; be her real girlfriend. Everything she just can't do. Not if she still want to be in her best friend's life.
That's all it comes down to, isn't it? Being with Karma like she thinks she wants, or being without her. Amy can't be without her. In spite of her new found feelings, Karma is everything to her, her only friend. They have been through so much and this can't ruin it. Amy can't ruin it.
Karma needs Amy as her best friend, or so she hopes. When her grams died it was Amy who helped her, when she needed someone to vent to about her perfect brother Amy was there, and when Karma needed a fake girlfriend…
And it's not like it's a one way relationship. Karma was the only person Amy talked to after her dad left them for his nurse, who sat with a doctor for an hour after her first peanut allergy attack landed her in hospital, Karma sat with her and her mother while the doctor went over everything about what they should do if it happens again and how to prevent it from happening again. Karma is there when her mom goes too far and Amy loves her. She can't lose Karma.
Steeling herself, Amy resolved to pretend this never happened, to force herself to get over it or else she loses Karma.
By the time she got up and left, the dance was close to finishing, a few stragglers remained as the band played their last song. Karma had already left it seemed. Pulling out her phone from her bra, she checked the missed calls, most were from Karma along with a lot of texts' asking where she is, Amy had sent her a text after she had calmed down, telling Karma that she didn't feel well. It wasn't going to be the end of the conversation, and Amy wasn't looking forward to it.
Karma wasn't the only one to try and get into touch with her, Shane and her mom had tried, though her mom was the only one to leave her a voicemail. She waited until she was outside and on her way home before listening to her mom's message, the walk was going to be lonely anyway.
When it starts playing she could feel the dread crawl up her throat. "I think that it would be best if you…stay at your…Karmas tonight. I need time to think and…discuss things with Bruce." The message was quick and detached. Amy wasn't too sure if it was any better than having her mom rant and rave about her fake relationship. And possibly her real sexuality.
Amy felt her eyes dampen with tears. She could have just told her mom they are faking it, it would have been beyond embarrassing, but she could go home tonight. Yet she isn't faking, is she? Their relationship is fake, but what do these feeling mean. Growling low in her throat she reminds herself that she is supposed to ignore her feelings. They are just hormones.
Right now, all she wants is her bed-but what if her mom doesn't want her to come back. What if Bruce asks mom to choose.
Karmas all she has left but she can't be around her tonight. Her breathing quickens. Leaning against a nearby street light, Amy presses a hand into her chest, slowing her breathing so it doesn't feel like she's been running a marathon; when she recognises the street she stopped on she groans with annoyance.
Without needing to think, she had made her way to Karmas.
Maybe she should ring her mom, tell her that she's not a lesbian.
What if…No. This is a passing phase, she doesn't know any available boys, all her time is spent with Karma and maybe this is normal. It's the first time anyone, boy or girl, has come in-between them. This is jealously, plain and simple. It just feels like she's losing her best friend. That's it.
Bracing herself with the knowledge that she really doesn't have anywhere else to go, she continues what her subconscious wanted her to do and in a few minutes she's standing outside Karmas door, struggling with herself to knock. But she didn't have to in the end. The door flung open and she's faced with a cautious smile from Karma, still dressed in her Homecoming clothes, minus the tiara. She looked beyond worried.
"Geez, you just gunna wait out there all night?" Amy forced a smile but it cracks. Within seconds her lips quivered, her knees buckled and Karma was dragging her into her house, knocking the door closed behind them as Karma pulls her into her arms with a constricting grip. "Oh, sweetie. What happened?" Karma cooed into her ear with a hint of anger.
What could Amy tell her? That since they kissed Amy's had a confusing dream; her soon-to-be-sister has blackmailed her out of room and fifty dollars; her mom has found out that she's gay and now she can't go home tonight. And on top of everything, she's had to deal with these…feelings that she just can't explain away. It's particularly challenging when she comes face-to-face with Karma and she still feels the urge to kiss her.
She can't tell Karma everything, so she settles with what she could. "My mom asked me not to come home tonight." Karma stiffens in her arms. She knew what was coming, tightening her arms around Karma so her friend would know that she just wanted Karma, not someone to fight with her mom. "Can I stay here?" She didn't have to ask permission, Karma was dragging her up the stairs and shutting the door to her room before her parents could poke their heads out and stick their noses in.
They were getting change in silence, Amy found herself more than once having to turn away with red cheeks. She doesn't remember ever having done the same before.
"I'm sorry for…all of this, if I—"
"Karma." She interrupted her friends' needless apology. "It was mom's decision, not yours. And…she hasn't kicked me out, she just asked me to stay round here tonight."
Karma scoffs. "Stop defending her."
"I'm not." She argues, turning to Karma who thankfully was fully dressed by now. "My mom…y'know I don't like when she…" Amy pauses. After her dad left them for the twenty-six year old nurse a few years back, her mom changed. She was always a bit weird with Amy; being a former beauty queen she expected her daughter to be just like her, someone to share make-up tips and swap clothes with. Instead she got Amy, even after years of trying to force her to be more like her mother, putting her in competitions, taking her shopping, and setting up playdates with the more popular kids in their little part of Texas. When her dad left she got more intense, not concerning Amy, she had given up trying to make a beauty queen out of her clumsy daughter, but she focused on herself. Amy was just a side thought, the daughter she tells everyone she has after she had shown off her own achievements. Her mom loves her, but sometimes she loves herself more.
Amy never complains, Karma is more than she needs in her life.
She did however, never question if her mom loves her like she has this past hour.
"Hey…" When she had paused for too long Karma approaches her, reaching out for Amy's hand to sandwich it between her own. "Your mom loves you." Amy shouldn't be surprised Karma had read her mind. "Remember when she wouldn't let Bruce move in until you got a say?" Amy nodded, pleasantly surprised that Karma is backing her mom.
"She hasn't kicked me out." Amy pressed on, desperate for Karma to believe because if she could, it would be so much easier for Amy to do so.
Karma nodded with a small forced smile pulling at her lips, silently reassuring Amy. "Well…" She pulled away with a real smile, going to her side of the bed, ripping back the covers and settling in bed. "You're always welcome here." Of course she was, Amy knows it's, Amy's mom knows it, and Karmas parents had told her as much a couple of days ago. But unlike a few days ago, the thought of having to spend the next three years until college in the same house, probably sleeping next to Karma for those nights, it causes a sick fluttering in her stomach. It's the same feeling she has right now.
Patting the bed besides her, Amy went to Karmas light switch, flicking it off before she tentatively slid in besides her best friend. Music from Karmas docking station playing softly in the background. Stiffly she lay on her back, her hands linked on her stomach, her gaze never leaving the ceiling. She could feel Karmas eyes on her, watching her as though she's about to throw herself under a bus.
"I'm fine." Karma hums with disbelief, reaching for one of Amy's linked hands. "Okay, well I'm not…but I will be." And she will…soon, when she can sort through her thoughts and when she can speak to her mom and sort everything through with her. Exactly how Amy's going to do this she's not sure just yet.
She just knows she needs to fix this.
Now if only she could get a good night sleep, but her body's wont relax. Her mind keeps replaying her dream from the other morning. This is the first time they've shared a bed since. She can't help it when her lips tingle with the memory.
Amy let herself, for the first time since she and Karma laid down, look at her best friend. She is so beautiful. Always has been, even before these weird feelings Amy knew it. Liam only looked at her after he thought Karma is a lesbian, and he hasn't even seen the real Karma, they've only spent like what, a total of five hours together.
Maybe, she thinks as she finally felt herself drift off, she should stop comparing herself with Liam Booker.
But he really doesn't deserve Karma.
AN - Finally moving into new territory for the next chapter. Thanks for reading, I hope you're enjoying it.