The Wanker Called James

An: The title says it all nay?

Oh, and before I forget;

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or the bands mentioned in this chapter. I am, however, planning on a bahamavention. See you.

"Lily, eh?" He smirked "I'm Sirius. Seriously. And you are one fine-looking bird" he finished; extending his hand to shake hers as he gracefully flicked back a portion of his silky mane.

Lily regarded him coolly "I know I am" she commented.

"Ignore him" said another, the soft-spoken one, with a lightly irritated tone "He does these types of things whenever he gets a chance. I'm Remus" his hands were very warm and soft, almost like a woman's.

"P-p-pe-pe-p-Pet-t-t-er P-p-pe-t-t-t-ti-ti-ti-grew" Peter barely reached her torso in height and he had the rounded look of one whom was exceedingly well-fed; in his favor though, his child-like stuttering and plump cheeks made him look as adorable as a Boticelli angel.

Or perhaps, that was because he was sitting next to a fourth compartment user, a rather well-shaped muscled individual with dark, brooding hair and crossed forearms. He was facing the window, watching attentively as the scenery flew past with a dizzying speed.

"That's James" said Marlene loudly "Don't mind his prick-like rudeness; he's just got dumped."

'James' turned to face Marlene with narrowed eyes and a grimace of monumental proportions "Don't flatter yourself McKinnon, I dumped you" he spat.

Marlene smirked "True," she breathed with a smile "But that was in April, James. Get over it"

James was visibly fuming, his fists clenched. Lily's sneer of triumph for Marlene was quickly replaced with well-hidden awe at the sheer beauty of this James.

He had hair long enough to tickle his earlobes that would sway and flop silkily onto his face, dark as pitch. Two piercings, one gracing an eyebrow, the other on the left of his bottom lip, which he sucked into his mouth in annoyance. The odd irony of his round, silver framed glasses balancing by sheer will on the tip of his proud nose was more attractive than disconcerting. Just as his eyes, which were a deep and oddly glowing chocolaty brown. He was, in a word; shagable.

Yet here was Marlene, denying him.

"I'm not brooding!" he exclaimed, "I just don't like you!"

"Right," Marlene said in a sarcastic tone, "And My great-aunt Phyllis didn't try to molest you" she continued.

James raised his hands in anger and pushed Marlene into Lily to get to the door, slid it open, and stomped out of the compartment like an impertinent child.

"That was a tad bit mean Marly," Sirius said slyly "But well-deserved, he's been acting like a fairy for ages."

Lily snorted.

"Oh, the irony" sighed Remus, taking a seat beside the long-haired fellow.

"Of what?" he asked.

"You calling someone a fairy" Remus crossed his arms "Isn't that just a little hypocritical?"

"Nah," Sirius lightly pecked Remus on the cheek "I'm no fairy!"

Marlene's face softened, and she took a seat beside Peter, who was averting his eyes out the window, and she motioned Lily to sit next to her.

Lily's expression hadn't changed, though she said "Get a room, will you? Have you not any consideration for us single people?"

Sirius burst into bark-like laughter as he slapped his thigh.

"I believe that is a no, Lily" Remus interrupted politely.

Lily smiled at him, accepting the subtle invitation of friendship.

OoO

"So, do you like Muggle bands, then?"

"M-m-mu-ug-g-gles ha-v-ve ban-n-ds-s?" Peter stuttered in confusion.

"Yes" Sirius said, annoyed, "Of course they do! They have…uh..."

"Led Zeppelin," Lily supplied eagerly "The Beatles. You've heard of them, right?"

Sirius snorted arrogantly "I think you mean Lead Zippolin and the Dung Beatles, classic wizard bands"

"No, no, no." Lily denied politely, "Those are muggle bands!"

"B-b-u-b-ut t-th-the-r-re aa-a-ren'-t-t-t Mu-g-g-g-le ban-d-s-s" interrupted Peter .

"There are too!" Lily exclaimed "What are Zippolins anyway?"

"Giant wizard aircraft form the early 20th century" Remus said, his nose buried in a book titled Your Dog and You: a Guide to Training "S' miracle no Muggle ever saw them. I actually think one crashed into a tree in Germany, sometime in 1908…massive involvement from the Ministry. We had to convince the Germans that they had built the crafts in the fist plac—"

"Shut up, Remus. Honestly, who cares?" Sirius snapped "it was a dumb broom with a wonky handle. End of story."

Remus rolled his eyes and returned to his book.

"Have you heard of the Sex Pistols?" Lily tried .

Again, Sirius snorted, "You mean the Sex Wands? Yea, they're my favorite band. All wizards, though. 'Cept for Paul, he's a pansy"

Lily sighed in annoyance and crossed her arms against her chest "You're a pansy, Sirius."

Sirius snickered , "Am not, tell 'er about the time I decked Dumbledore, Peter"

Marlene, who'd been resting against Lily's shoulder, suddenly shook from her sleep.

"You?" she exclaimed skeptically, "Never."

Lily tapped her chin, "What about the Rolling Stones?" she addressed Sirius, "You must've heard of them"

"The Rolling Stones?" Sirius scratched his hairless jaw line in thought "No…I don't think I've heard of them—ah! Yes, you mean The Tumbling Pebbles. Yea, great band. Lead singer married my mum's niece, once, twice, who knows? Point is, you're wrong, I'm right and…here's James to confirm it"

Sure enough, James tugged the door open with a grimace of distaste, as if he'd swallowed a mouthful of rotten milk.

"Oh," he glowered "You're still here" James took a seat beside Remus, next to the window and as far from Marlene as possible.

"Of course I am you berk, where else would I be?" she leaned back against the leather seat.

"I dunno…uh maybe, not here!!" he glared at her furiously "Don't you have friends of your own?"

"Merlin, James, grow up, will you? They're my friends too"

James grumbled and turned to face the window. Remus tentatively lowered his book and addressed Lily,

"Do you read much?" he asked.

"Oh, yes." Lily said eagerly "I particularly enjoy Muggle authors, though—"

"Again with the Muggles!" Sirius exclaimed "They don't have everything better you know. Our bands are the best!"

"Yo-u-u-ou-u t-t-t-e-te-t-ell he-er S-s-s-si-s-irius!" Peter stuttered passionately.

"Oh, drop it already, Sirius!" Lily threw a chocolate wrapping at his head "I already gave up, didn't I?"

"What are you on about?" James snapped.

"Lily says Muggle bands are better—"

"Did not—"

"Is there a band called The Beatles?" Sirius asked arrogantly.

"The Dung Beatles, you mean?" James asked.

"Or the Sex Pythons?"

"It's Pistols, Sex Pistols!" Lily corrected violently.

"No" snorted James "It's the Sex Wands. What in the name of fuck is a pistol, anyway?"

"What about the Rolling Stones?"

James ran a hand through his hair, "I don't think there's such—oh! The Tumbling Pebbles? They're the dogs' bollocks, fan-fucking-tastic"

"Watch your language," chided Marlene "You sound like the pig you really are"

James growled in anger , "Why you—"

"She says they're all Muggle bands" Sirius interrupted.

"Are you stupid?" James spat, facing the redhead who flushed under his angry scrutiny "Who the fuck are you, anyway? What are you doing here?"

"Sitting" Lily said, with equal venom, "Or are you too retarded to see my arse is on the seat?"

"What the fuck—"

"Oh, Sod this for a lark!" Remus interrupted, pushing off the seat and flying out of the compartment.

"Look what you've done now, James." Sirius said, running after him.

"S'not my fault!" exclaimed James, "It's this nameless sodding cow—"

"Why don't say to my face, fuck-face?" Lily screeched.

"OI!" Marlene yelled, stepping between them before they could engage in war, "BREAK IT UP YOU AGRAVATING SODS!!"

Lily huffed and shoved her hands into her pockets, sitting back down.

James, after glaring, did the same.

"Look, I'm sorry you feel so dismal after breaking up with me" Marlene said in a delicately wound up tone "But really James, how pathetically childish can you get? You don't even know her name"

"And Lily, next time, just ignore the bastard. He does this type of rubbish all the time"

James sneered, "So it's Lily, then. S' ironic you should be named after a flower"

"Why don't you shut your face before I do it for you, you shitstain?" Lily snapped in warning.

James smiled triumphantly, "So polite, too".

OoO

Lovely snow flittered about her, flurries of grays and whites, each with its own unique beauty, each with its own story. She felt herself glow in awe; it had been years since her last snowfall.

Marlene, Remus and Sirius led her to the front of the short crowd, searching for a carriage, they said; James lingered in the back of them, as if not wanting to be associated. But when she finally caught sight of the transport, she gasped in terror, those creatures! Large, horse-like and black as coal, their skin like glossy serpentine scales, their eyes as red as fresh-spilt blood. They seemed to be regarding her.

"What are they?!" Lily shook Marlene, pointing at the things, "They're so…so…"

"What are you talking about, Lily?" Marlene pulled her closer to the creatures, "Come on, Lily. We need to get into the carriage before those pesky first-years come to molest Sirius"

"No!" Lily rooted her feet in the ground "I'm not going!!"

Marlene tugged on her arm with more force. Suddenly, James was at her side.

"Stop being stupid, newbie" James shoved Marlene aside and dragged Lily into the carriage "They're just Threstals."

When inside, Lily regained her fire, "Who asked you?"

James rolled his eyes and sneered.

"Careful," Marlene warned lightly, "your face might stay that way. I mean, look at Snape"

James narrowed his eyes but his mouth turned up in an odd, half-smirk.

The carriage lurched forward.

"Thank Merlin" Remus breathed "I thought the holiday would never be over"

Lily regarded him strangely and he smiled "I like Hogwarts an awful lot," he said "It provides more comfort than a lot of things, you'll see" he continued in his somber tone.

"Oi, where's Pete?" Sirius cut in, "Did we loose him again?"

"Seems like it" Marlene said.

She and Sirius shared a look, then, simultaneously punched the air with their fists, "YEA!!"

"What, did I miss something?" Lily laughed.

"You see Lily," Remus began with a smile, "If Peter had been here, he would've related his holiday stories, all boring, all terribly depressing"

"Which, as you can imagine, due to his feverish, freakish, abnormally frequent stuttering problem, would take him ages" Sirius sighed "Again, thank Merlin"

"Don't be put off, Lily. We wont be so eager to ditch you" Marlene assured.

"Oh no, never—"

"So, who did you see die, Lily?" James interrupted, staring at her form across the racketing carriage.

Lily flushed, "What makes you think I saw anyone die—"

"It's the only way one can see Threstals, newbie" he continued calmly.

Lily's eyes glazed, her face loosing color and turning ashen "It's none of your business, you annoying, disrespectful wanker"

"Well said," Remus glared at James, "that was low, James. Even for you."

Yet the deed was done. She was shaken, and they all knew; she was hiding something.

OoO

Lily was pulled aside before they reached the gates of Hogwarts, the tall, skinny woman, immaculately wrapped in a pristine emerald set of robes and a tight, painful looking bun, addressed her by her last name and asked her to do the same.

"Miss Evans, please, come with me" the woman said with an authoritative tone "I'm Professor McGonagall, Head of Gryffindor House and Hogwarts' only Transfiguration teacher."

The woman gave her a look, as if ordering her to introduce herself in the same manner,

"I'm Lily Evans, former student of Thornbury Magic Academy, and uh, resident red-head"

The Professor's gaze lingered on her nose ring, which she'd refused to remove, despite the warnings of the pestilent Madame Poisson.

"I would see you remove that piece of jewelry from your nostril, Miss Evans" she warned, "I find it not the least bit attractive"

"No, I imagine you find it repulsive, Professor" Lily smiled, "I wasn't aware that nostril jewelry was against the rules"

"It isn't" McGonagall bit out, "I merely do not like it"

"Oh" Lily batted her eyelashes innocently "Well, that's too bad."

McGonagall gave her a tight-lipped smile and pulled her forcefully into a passage way, hidden behind a large, tastefully gory tapestry.

"Now we haven't much time, Miss Evans. Put this on" from her pocket she extracted an old tattered hat.

"Do you not like my hair, Professor?" she asked cheekily.

McGonagall regarded her coolly until she pulled the hat atop her head.

Almost instantaneously, the hat burst into speech "Another Gryffindor, Minerva. Older than usual, isn't she?"

"She's a transfer" McGonagall explained with an odd twinkle of triumph in her eye, "Gryffindor, you say? Very well, welcome Miss Evans. I can say, with confidence that you've been accepted to the best of the Houses"

Lily smiled.

"Yet I have one more thing to say, Miss Evans, so listen well. Do not presume that your actions at your previous school will be so easily forgotten. We will watch for you, all the staff" McGonagall looked at her with an intimidating intensity.

Lily knew, the professor meant something entirely different than shagging.

OoO

The excitement of the returning feast was replaced with the lazy sleepiness of a mass of people who've eaten a tad bit over their limit. The novelty of the new student, temporally postponed to the following morning. Lily was happily trudging after her new friends, admiring the moving portraits that greeted her as she moved up the stairs; witches with years' worth of mold on their cauldrons, Macbeth, that wonky fellow from Hans and Gretel and one of Hades' devils. All quite friendly, despite the history.

When they entered the Common room, Lily wasn't tired yet. So after giving her instructions to her dormitory, Marlene sleepily bid her a good night.

The redhead spied a familiar head in an armchair by the fire, and went to keep Remus company. Occasionally he would fleetingly glance behind him, as if keeping watch.

"Lily" he greeted her pleasantly, "I see you're not an early sleeper either"

Lily eyed the spot behind Remus, where she was sure she could catch glimpses of Sirius's mouth grazing the shoulder of a fellow Gryffindor girl.

"Somehow I doubt that's why you're here, if you don't mind me saying so" she said.

Remus smiled sadly and glanced behind him, "Ah, Dorcas Meadowes" he breathed "bane of my existence, it seems"

"Is he your first boyfriend?" Lily asked.

Remus turned back to her with a quirky smile, "It's odd that I find your query so disconcerting, but of course, to date a bloke, I must be gay" he tapped his chin "Yet, I'm not. I find you as attractive as any other hormonal sod there is out there would."

Lily blushed, "Then?"

"I'm just…" again, his face turned into an expression of bittersweetness "in love with Sirius"

"Oh" Lily smiled "that's just…heart-wrenching, Remus."

"I don't normally tell this to everyone, you know" he said , looking at her as if she were a new shilling, shining and special "I have an odd feeling that we'll be very good friends"

Lily smiled widely "Me too. Though, I've never been much good with Divination"

"It's a rubbish subject anyway" Remus patted her shoulder.

"True," she leaned forward and grabbed his palm, "I may yet murder you and make you into a proper fairy stew, though"

"I'm no fairy!" he protested, and Lily laughed.

"So, what's the story between James and Marlene?" Lily asked.

"Why do you ask?" Remus smirked "You interested?"

Lily grimaced, with true disgust "No, simply curious."

"Oh, well then. Marly always been a part of the Marauders in one way or another. I mean, she's dated the lot of us, including Peter, but that was back in fist year and it barely lasted an hour before the stuttering got to her, so it hardly counts"

Lily snickered, "So what of James?"

"He fell to the McKinnon Magic last February, on Valentine's day, no less. That soft-lad is softer than me, for Pete's sake. Anyway, they dated, you know, the usuals. Until, of course, James reached his benchmark"

"Benchmark?"

"Two months is the longest a true Marauder may date, or so says the code"

"So he broke up with her?" Lily asked, leaning forward in her chair.

"Yes. He broke up with her"

"That bastard"

"Well, yes. But in calling him a bastard you call us all bastards for making the code."

Lily regarded him, "That bastard" she repeated.

Remus smirked , "To make a rather pointless story longer, Marly was distraught, but she being who she is, bounced back quite rapidly and began dating another bloke…a dishy one , so I'm told…Amos something or other" Remus took a breath , "Anyway, he's been hear-broken ever since"

Lily rolled her eyes.

Remus smiled, "Yes, I always thought James was enough of a pansy for all of us"

Lily chortled "Oh, honestly Remus, we're worse than a sewing circle! Making all this gossipy fuss"

"I told you I was soft"

After their laughter died, fading slowly away like the embers in the fire, then, Remus looked back at Sirius, still engaged with that Dorcas Meadowes, bane of his existence.

Lily rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

"He does love me, you know" he assured her, more so for himself than anyone "He just…forgets sometimes"

OoO

AN: This is my first time referring to Sirius and Remus as anything remotely gay, and, before anyone asks, this is as far as it will go. If Remus was ever really in love with Sirius and vise versa, their feelings would've changed as they got out of school since, they suspected each other of treachery, remember? I though this was touching in a bittersweet way. If you're offended by it, really, you need to do some soul searching and go fuck yourself. Gay people rock, even more so it its Sirius and/or Remus.

(On my behalf, I'm still not really a Remus/Sirius fan. This is more so to test if I can do it, than for pure love of the pairing. If it were up to me, I'd make them a threesome, sandwiching myself between them. Ha! I'm a tart.)

Anyway, didya like it?