Beyond the Invisible

"I look into the mirror

See myself, I'm over me

I need space for my desires

Have to dive into my fantasies."

-Enigma

--

When I was a child the Earth had held a strange sort of fairy tale beauty that had always seemed too good to be true. But nonetheless I had still believed in it. I was Alice, it was Wonderland. I had even gone so far as to run there when things had become unbearable at home. But because I never made it until a year later, it took so many more months for my illusions to shatter. I clearly remember arriving in the desert during Operation Meteor, seeing the villages torn apart by war, blood staining the sand. It seemed Wonderland wasn't so very wonderful after all.

Still, there were places the cancer of war had missed. The beach where Heero and I landed when we came back from space sticks clearly in my mind. Playing with the dogs and watching the sunset was exactly the drug I needed to kill the pain of what had happened up there. And even when that faded, I got so caught up in escaping OZ that there hadn't been time to think about it. Only when Heero and I parted ways and I found myself alone did it all come back.

I told myself I couldn't afford to think about it. I was a wanted man with execution orders on my head and no place to go. I wasn't like Heero. I couldn't just throw myself back into the heat of battle. And at that point, I wasn't going to return to space for anything. It was all I could do to hold myself together when I found myself recalling the events of the past months. Of course, there were sympathizers there on Earth, but enough people had died for me already. I wasn't going to put anyone else in danger for my sake.

So I just started walking, following the road up the coast and stopping in the little towns along the way to sleep and eat. I gave a fake name when I checked into the little motels and when I ran out of cash (I didn't dare use any credit cards) I offered to wash dishes or do odd jobs in exchange for meals. No one complained. Most of the young men were killed or fighting in the war. This was Romefellar territory, but the Treize faction was coming closer every day. Looking back, I wonder if, subconsciously, this was an intentional return to the battlefield.

I mostly lived day-to-day as I traveled. It was soothing, in a way. I was starting to understand how Heero could live as he did. You don't feel too much pain when all you're concerned about is surviving to the next day. I thought I was getting stronger, that by the end I would be ready for anything Fate could throw at me.

But I hadn't expected to run into Michiru Kaioh.

She was my first love. It didn't matter that she was ten years older than me, or that she was my violin teacher. One of my earliest memories is of first meeting her, at age five. My father had ushered me into the music room, where she was standing in front of the window playing Mozart. It had been sunny that day, and seeing her silhouetted like that against the window I had believed she was an angel. Even more than that, I had believed this was the spirit of my mother, returning from the dead to teach me violin.

However, Miss Kaioh was only human, the daughter of one of my father's investors. With most of my sisters out of the house by then, my father had believed she would be a good influence on me, and so it came to be that three times a week I would go up to the music room at exactly four o'clock, and she'd be waiting by the window, ready to hear my latest piece and assign a new one. She was kind, for the most part, but brutally honest. Even when I was a child she spared no criticism. But I didn't mind. It made her praise all the sweeter.

I took lessons with Miss Kaioh until I was twelve. During that last year, they weren't so much lessons as they were meetings. She had told me when she left that I had learned everything that could be taught within five short years, and the rest of the time we spent together was mostly so we could expand our own creative horizons. I had her respect as a musician, but it wasn't enough. As my childhood drew to a close, my feelings for Michiru Kaioh had evolved from a son's love for his mother to a man's love for a woman. However, that didn't change the fact that I was still the twelve-year-old son of Zayeed Winner, or that she was still a beautiful woman who had to return to Earth, where she had been born and raised.

Earth is a big place though. The odds of encountering my old teacher that day in the village were inconceivable. And yet, there she was standing on the beach, playing violin in front of the rising sun and looking every bit the angel I had believed her to be when I was younger. Her hair had gotten a great deal longer; I recalled it as falling to her shoulders in smooth teal waves that reminded me of the ocean. Now it was well down her back, pulled away from her face with a yellow ribbon. She hadn't aged, per se, but I could see her face had matured. The softness was gone, replaced with smooth sharp angles that made her seem colder than I recalled.

I didn't recognize the piece she was playing, but I did know the sound of her violin. The Marine Cathedral. A Stradivarius, centuries old, priceless. She had offered to let me play it once, but I had declined, terrified I would harm the work of art. No, I would never touch that instrument, but I could have listened to it for hours. Maybe that morning on the beach, I did.

Her song ended at some point, though, and her eyes, which had been closed, suddenly opened and locked on mine. There was no recognition in them, but nor was there any surprise. Likely she had known she was being watched the entire time. Miss Kaioh didn't mind. She never did. Performing was her heart's desire, the final touch that made the entire experience so addictive and unforgettable. The entire world could have been watching, for all she cared. She would relish it.

"That was beautiful, Miss Kaioh." I moved towards her slowly, thinking for some reason any sudden movement might scare her off.

My instincts didn't prove to be far off base. The proud expression on her face changed to one of suspicion, and she took a defensive step backwards, ready to run at the drop of a hat.

Then she really saw me. Her eyes widened as a spark of memory passed through them, and her body relaxed. "Quatre? Is that you?" she asked, barely believing her eyes.

I nodded and tried to smile, suddenly feeling like a shy five-year-old again. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

The wind was picking up. Glancing over my shoulder to the west, I saw that what I had originally believe was night retreating across the horizon was a mountain range of ugly black clouds. There was a storm coming. But Miss Kaioh didn't seem to notice at all. Her eyes were still on me, as if I were a ghost.

"Quatre, what are you doing here?"

There was a rumble of thunder in the distance. What could I tell her? That my father and sister were dead, that my home had turned against me, that there was a bounty on my head, that I had killed my best friend, and let the only person I had left walk into a battlefield alone? It was a damn good question. What was I doing there? What right did I have to be revisiting this scrap of my past when I had no future to speak of?

When I was eight I had gotten in trouble with my father for brining a stray cat into the house. I managed to hide the pitiful creature for a full week before he found it in his study, mauling several important documents and leaving a stain on the oriental rug in front of the fire. He'd been furious with both me and the cat, and probably wanted to throw us both out in the rain. Of course, he could only remove the cat in such a way. Me he ignored for the rest of the week. At my next lesson I had been so upset I could barely play at all, let alone focus enough to make anything more than a squeak.

Miss Kaioh had only watched me with disappointed eyes. "What's the matter, Quatre? Didn't you practice this week?" she had asked.

I lowered my violin and my eyes in shame. Now I had not only my father's scorn, but hers as well. "I'm sorry, Miss Kaioh. I did practice, but..."

"But what?"

The violin and bow slipped from my grasp as I felt the hot tears spilling over my cheeks. "Please don't hate me, Miss Kaioh! Father already hates me because I let the cat in, even though I didn't mean for it to make a mess. I'm sorry, I'll play better, I promise..." I think I might have rambled on beyond that, but I don't remember, because the next thing I knew Miss Kaioh had dropped to her knees and pulled me tightly into her arms.

"Sh...Quatre. It's all right..."

She was so soft and gentle, but at the same time I felt completely protected in her arms. I could smell her perfume as I sobbed into her shoulder, and it only made me press my face tighter against her. She was rubbing my back slowly in an effort to calm me down, and it worked. Moving her hands to my shoulders, she placed me in front of her then wiped my tears with a handkerchief from her pocket.

"Now listen to me, Quatre. Your father does not hate you, and I don't hate you either. Everyone makes mistakes. And it's okay to cry about them too. It just shows how sorry you really are. But--" She folded the damp cloth into my hand, then stood up. "You can't cry forever. When you make a mistake, fix it when you can, and if you can't, it's time to move on. So." Picking up my violin and bow, she handed them both to me. "How about you try again?"

But things were different now. I wasn't seven, and this wasn't about a cat or playing a sonata wrong. People were dead. Because of me. It was a mistake you couldn't break through, climb over, or walk around.

I felt weak now, standing before Miss Kaioh with a storm at my back. "Would it be all right if I stayed with you for a while, Miss Kaioh?" I asked. I hoped she understood me. My voice was shaking my words into gibberish.

She heard me clearly, though. "Yes, of course. Come on, looks like we're in for some bad weather." Stowing the Marine Cathedral in its case, she motioned for me to follow her down the strand.

Miss Kaioh lived in a surprisingly large house on a cliff over the beach. To me it seemed to large for one person living alone. Then it hit me: who was I to say she did live alone? Michiru Kaioh was a beautiful, intelligent, talented woman. She was also old enough to be married now, old enough to have a child, even. My heart sank. That had to be it. Of course, it would be silly to hope for anything otherwise in the first place. Not only was she my former teacher, but I had given up that life to become a Gundam pilot. Even visiting her house was likely to put her in danger. No, she deserved a good man who would stay by her no matter what, who would give her beautiful children and make her smile.

Yet it was strangely dark and quiet as we entered the front hall. There was no one home. But there were photos on the walls beside the stairs and open doorways to other rooms. Michiru with a blond girl around my age, possibly another student. Michiru and a tall woman with dark skin and long green hair, both of them strikingly beautiful. And a Christmas photo, Michiru in front of a tree with a small black-haired girl in her arms. There was a tall, handsome man beside her with an arm around her waist, smiling rather cooly but seeming kinder in his dark blue eyes.

"You're married now?" I murmured, my hand falling to her left hand. Sure enough, a silver ring with an aquamarine cut into a star.

"Engaged," Miss Kaioh corrected. Her eyes followed mine to the photograph. "Haruka is fighting with the rebels in North America right now. She's been gone since last summer."

She? I looked closer. Sure enough. Her curves were hidden by the loose man's shirt she wore, but I could see now that Haruka was indeed a female. But even so, she was nothing like Miss Kaioh, who radiated femininity and grace. Haruka looked like a steel trap ready to spring, dangerous and alluring as a newly sharpened blade.

My gaze returned to the dark haired girl in Miss Kaioh's arms. Looking around, this didn't seem like a house for a child. Besides that, she had to be at least seven. "And the little girl? Is she your daughter?"

"Yes, her name's Hotaru. We adopted her after her father passed." She was quiet for a few moments, then turned and looked at me. Raising a hand, she gently laid it aside my face, making me blush a bright red. "She reminds me of you." Dropping her hand, she turned and continued down the corridor until it opened up into a large kitchen. She flicked the switch on the wall, filling it with artificial light. "You must be hungry. I'll get some breakfast started."

I thanked her, then set my duffel down beside the back door. Watching her break the eggs and boiling water for tea, I tried to picture her doing tasks like this for her family. It seemed impossible. When she'd been my teacher, Miss Kaioh had never once spoken to me about her family. On occasion she would pass messages on from her father to mine, but these were nothing personal. Yes, she had a father, but most young children just assume everyone has a father. As for sisters, brothers, a mother, boyfriends, girlfriends...she never once mentioned anything about any of them.

Was I only now just realizing I knew nothing about the woman I loved?

She set a plate of eggs, sausage, and fruit in front of me, as well as a cup of tea. Pouring a second for herself, she sat down across from me and encouraged me to eat. "You look thin," she commented, sipping from a chipped mug and tilting her head slightly.

I did as she asked. The food tasted better than anything had in a long time. We didn't say anything while I ate, just occasionally glanced out the window at the dark clouds that had now spread all the way to the horizon. The ocean was choppy, and I could hear the surf roaring far below us. From a practical standpoint, it was a good thing I had run across Miss Kaioh. It would not have been a good idea to stay out in this weather.

When I finished, she picked up my plate and deposited it in the sink. I watched her quietly, still trying to see her as a wife and mother. "Miss Kaioh...where is your daughter? Hotaru?"

"I sent her to the Sanc Kingdom with a friend of mine," she answered, not looking at me.

"You sent her away? Why?"

Miss Kaioh sighed, then turned around and put a hand to her forehead. Now I was starting to see age on her face. Her eyes were tired, and it looked like it had been a long time since she'd really smiled. "This place is hanging on a thread. As soon as the Treize faction makes a move against Romefellar, it's all going to go to hell. I had to get her out. And I'm not far behind."

So it seemed my plans wouldn't work after all. Staying here with Miss Kaioh for a while seemed like just the medicine I needed to get over everything, but apparently the pharmacy was sold out. "When will you leave?"

"As soon as my affairs are in order. Haruka and I have some belongings that need to be secured with others, so as soon as that's taken care of, I'll be going. Of course, you're welcome to stay as long as you like. I'll leave a key with you, if you want," she offered, going to the window and staring out at the storm.

"That's all right. I won't be here very long. Just one night, maybe two." It would be a risk to stay any longer than that. "Will you go to Sanc, then?" I asked, joining her. I recalled the information Heero and I had found in the captain's tent when we were captured. Relena was there, offering refuge to any who wanted it and shielding them with policies of total pacifism. Policies that would be about as effective as paper against Romefellar. I wondered if Miss Kaioh's daughter and friend were really all that safe.

She shook her head. "No, I'm going to join Haruka in the US. The rebel forces really need help, and I've had a little MS training."

I blinked in surprise. "You know how to pilot mobile suits?" Miss Kaioh? My violin teacher? Picturing her in the cockpit of a Taurus or Leo was even more difficult than trying to see her as a woman with a family.

To my surprise, she laughed. "Quatre...you never change." Her hand reached out to ruffle my hair as she turned to face me. "That makes me happy. If all I can do in the world is protect one innocent soul like yours, then that's plenty."

Innocent. Oh God. That's exactly what I wasn't. Why couldn't she see that? The blood on my hands was invisible to her. Instead of the killer I saw every time I looked in the mirror, Miss Kaioh likely only saw the young boy she left behind to a life of peace and happiness in space. For the first time, I found myself wishing I had never agreed to help Instructor H. That I'd never become a Gundam pilot. If I had remained the boy she still believed existed, my father might still be alive. Trowa certainly would. The people on the colonies I destroyed, without a doubt. And if that boy someday ran into his former teacher, he would be able to stand before her proudly and say, "Look at what I've become," without wanting to lay down and die.

"Miss Kaioh...I'm not innocent at all," I murmured, dropping my gaze. I couldn't even bear to look her in the eye now.

"No?"

I shook my head. I had no words for her. She, on the other hand, had some surprising ones for me.

"Do you think that because you're a Gundam pilot?"

My gaze snapped up to lock with hers. She knew? How was that possible? Ever since Heero and I had parted ways, I made sure never to tell anyone who or what I was. But even before that, I had been careful. The others had put their names with their positions without a second thought, but I still had my family to think about. On the battlefield, I was 04, or Sandrock's pilot. Never Quatre Raberba Winner. If the connection was made, people I loved were sure to die.

So how had Miss Kaioh found out?

When I asked her, a sigh escaped her lips. "So it's true then." She turned her back on me, an act that made me wince. I remembered being seven again, and she was now my father, too enraged for words. But even though she didn't look at me, there was no anger in her voice when she finally did speak.

"The rumors started going around when your father died. You'd already been seen with another confirmed pilot. 02, I believe." Duo. So I had failed from the very beginning. "Then when a Gundam, a symbol of the colonies' fight for independence, turned on its former supporters, revenge was one of the key motives. I haven't heard anything official, but in my heart..."

"You knew."

"Yes."

A pain was stabbing through my heart. Clutching my chest, I remembered the yellow light of Zero's cockpit. The enemies everywhere. Armed colonies that needed to be destroyed. Heero, who would kill me or be killed. And Trowa...

"So...you know...what I did..."

"Yes, Quatre. I know." And with that, she took me into her arms again. She didn't have to kneel now; I was a tall as she was. But she was still soft and warm and gentle, and when she whispered my name again I knew it was all right to cry on her shoulder just as I had all those years ago. This time she didn't bother trying to calm me down; like the storm outside, she knew it was better for me to just ride it out. My entire body shuddered with sobs, and I felt my knees going weak, ready to collapse. But Miss Kaioh was strong, she held me up and against her with almost no effort at all. And when I finally felt the tides of emotion ebbing away, she pulled out a handkerchief, possibly that same one from my memories, and wiped my eyes. This time I stopped her, taking the cloth on my own and drying my cheeks.

After a few breaths, I shut my eyes. "I'm sorry, Miss Kaioh."

"No, Quatre. I'm sorry. Sorry for you." I was still in her arms, and she held me tighter. "What you must have gone through...no one deserves that..."

"I did. I killed all those innocent people. I killed my best friend--"

She put a finger in front of my lips. "Quatre. I have known you since you were a little boy. You are a kind, gentle person. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you killed those people because you wanted to, that it was your decision, that you could have stopped it and chose not to, then I will believe what you say." Her hand moved to brush the hair from my eyes. "But seeing you standing here, I know that you would never do anything like that. My heart tells me that someone else destroyed those colonies and killed your friend. Someone who looked like you and spoke like you and possibly even fought like you. I think while you were grieving for your father, you went away and someone else took over. And Quatre..." She touched her forehead to mine. "You are not responsible for his actions."

Someone else. Was she talking about the Zero System? That was what it had felt like. Someone invading my body, telling me who my enemies were and forcing me to destroy them whether I wanted to or not. But I was the one who built Zero in the first place, the one who wanted a tool to end the madness in space.

"It's not your fault, Quatre," she whispered to me.

"Miss Kaioh--"

"It's not your fault."

I pressed my face into the crook of her neck. I wanted to cry again, but there weren't any tears left. There wasn't any pain either. I felt numb all over. I couldn't even feel her arms around me anymore, though I was aware that I was clinging to her for dear life. It wasn't my fault. That still didn't change things. It wouldn't bring Trowa and all those other people back.

She said something about bed. I nodded dumbly at the idea, and she led me up the stairs to a blue room overlooking the water. The king bed in the center was covered with a navy quilt that looked shamelessly inviting. I vaguely remember stepping out of my shoes and laying down on top of the quilt, Miss Kaioh sitting next to me and caressing my cheek. I might have slipped into a dream after that, I'm not sure. But I was still aware of her touch, and was struggling to speak.

"Miss Kaioh?"

"Yes, Quatre?"

"I love you."

I don't know if I really spoke those words or not, because everything went black after that. When I awoke, it was dark out. I couldn't be sure if I'd slept the entire day away, or if it had been even longer. But Miss Kaioh wasn't there, and the house was more quiet than ever. Had the whole thing been a dream? Maybe I'd just stumbled into a random deserted house, delirious from both physical and emotional exhaustion.

If that was the case, what was the package on the night stand?

Sitting up, leaned over and examined an oblong object wrapped in white cloth. On top of it was an envelope with my name written across it in the same scroll that used to fill a notebook of my music assignments. The flap hadn't been sealed, just neatly tucked into the pocket of the envelope. Pulling it free, I removed a sheet of stationary from the inside.

My Dearest Quatre,

With any luck, I will be gone by the time you find this letter. I realize how cruel that is of me, and please know that the thought of leaving you alone like this hurts very much. But at the same time, I am not leaving you alone at all. I am right there with you, just as I always have been. I know it's easy to forget; I was only ever your teacher, after all. But teachers are supposed to care for their students, and if you don't know already, I have always cared very much for you.

That is why I have to leave now. Part of me wants to stay here with you until you're in a right state of mind again. But in the long run, that wouldn't really do much good, would it? Besides, I think I've been enough use to you. When you were a child, I taught you violin by setting an example and letting you figure out the rest on your own. So here's my example now: I am leaving to join the war.

Do as you see fit.

My offer for you to stay still stands if you should decide you aren't ready. My neighbor will be coming by tomorrow to check on things. I told her you might be here when she does, but in my heart I hope you won't be. You might think you showed weakness in coming to me like you did, but as I sit here writing this, I see a very strong, brave young man laying on my bed. It's not a matter of if you will return to the battlefield; only when. And I think once your body gets the chance to reenergize, you will be ready.

None of us knows how long the road is, Quatre. We cannot predict when we will make wrong turn any more than we can predict intersections with paths we thought we'd never see again. All we can do is keep walking and never look back. And when you reach an obstacle, you must find a way around it. That should be no problem for someone like you. You are never as lost as you think you are. And you are never, ever alone.

I am leaving with you one of the items I mentioned earlier as a symbol of my faith in you. Please keep this gift safe and with you at all times. If we should be so lucky as to see each other again, I may ask for it back, but until then it is yours. It is the last thing your teacher can give.

I pray you will find your way in and out of the battlefield safely. There is far too much you can yet do for the world, Quatre Raberba Winner. I myself cannot wait to see what good you still have to do. You cannot die yet.

I love you.

Michiru Kaioh

I clutched the letter in shaking hands and reread it once, then again. Finally, I set it down and picked up the object on the night stand. It was heavy and cold beneath the cloth as my fingers wrapped around an intricately wrought metal handle. Removing the cloth, I was met face to face with my own reflection.

She had left me a mirror.

--

"Close your eyes

Just feel and realize

It is real and not a dream

I'm in you and you're in me."