I Don't Want To Be

Standard Disclaimers Apply.

Note: Just in case you somehow missed this in the first chapter...

This is AU. Deb Roe is Lucas' mom. Dan and Karen are married with two children – Nathan and Crystal. There are other things, but I'll just let you read and find those out.

------- … scene change/break or indicated flashback

Italics … thoughts

Bold … emphasis

I Don't Want To Be: Chapter 2: More Than You Know

Deb was wrong. Lucas knew a lot more than she thought he did. He wasn't as satisfied as she thought he was, but he did accept it all the same. It was not, however, because he was the accepting type. Just taking his life as is sucked, but he would do it. He did do it. He did it for her. Lucas didn't bother to shift up and turn around because he knew what he would see. He would see his mother sprawled out on the bed in a barely-there state of mind, liquor in one hand and maybe a bottle of pills in the other.

He didn't know what exactly the pills did, but guessed they were for a headache from drinking so much. That was wrong, but he didn't know that. The blond boy remembered asking what they were for one time, but his mom had only told him that it was to make her feel better. He accepted that, didn't like it, but he accepted it. After all, his mother had to do so much and work so hard to put food on the table, clothes on their backs, and a roof – however temporary it may be – over their heads… The least he could do was not question what did or did not make her feel better.

But he hated how she got sometimes. Times like these that involved him not knowing where they were going or why. Times that had him as the only coherent occupant of the room. Ice blue eyes glanced at the clock and he frowned. It's getting late. It was about a quarter to ten and they hadn't eaten yet. She had bought stuff to eat, but hadn't cooked it – or rather, put it in a microwave – yet. Nothing fancy, just what looked like chicken tenders and mashed potatoes. Soup would have been better; his mother would need something like that to settle her stomach tomorrow.

That is, if they had the time. His mother never did say what time they were supposed to be leaving tomorrow... Sighing as he looked over at the figure on the bed, Lucas figured that they probably wouldn't have time for breakfast, soup or otherwise. Cooking soup was easy. He had learned how to cook because sometimes his mom was…unable to do it herself. Other things like actual mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, pancakes, blah blah blah,were okay for him to cook too.

No movement came from the bed for several more minutes and Lucas sighed again as he stood up. He turned around and shook his head. Why am I not surprised? His mother was staring at the ceiling, mumbling about something. He couldn't hear her, but wasn't curious enough to get close and find out. Why do I love her so much? Because she was his mom and she sacrificed again and again to provide for him as best she could.

He was just a child and could only do so much to comfort and help her. That's why she drinks so much, he told himself. It was the only reason he could come up with. The only one he could live with, or deal with rather, for now. Wanting to help all he could, Lucas learned to do things for himself. He learned how to clean, cook, do laundry, and anything else she'd let him handle so that his mother could focus on more important things.

He always did his best to learn the way to the nearest grocery store or mini-mart or whatever. Sometimes his mother was just too tired or stressed to go to the store and/or cook, so he did it for her. But again, there was only so much he could do. Soon I'll be old enough to try andget an actual part-time job; one where I'm doing something other than cutting grass. Maybe I can get a job at the local store or something...

Lucas was fairly sure that this place they were moving to would have some little store or café; some small place that allowed for really young employees. Maybe..what did Mom call it? The job where people make all that money by doing some math work. Umm..oh! Accounting. Yeah, that's it - accounting. He was really good at math, but all his teachers said he was a pure genius with English. But being good at English won't get me a part-time job though… So that was out. Besides, accounting couldn't be that hard. It was just counting how much people had spent...right? Well, that was his basic child outlook on it anyway.

In any case, he'd just have to bide his time and do what he could until the years decided to progress a little less slowly. It was weird how everything seemed to be happening so fast, but time itself seemed to be going by so slowly. Lucas sighed before he put his half-eaten microwavable dinner in the trash. He felt so bad for not eating it all, for being wasteful, but he couldn't eat another bite.

His appetite had been waning lately; he just hadn't been feeling all that hungry. Sometimes the thought of eating food made him feel sick. The blonde boy opted not to say anything about it to his mother. His mom would freak out, as she always did whenever he seemed to be even slightly ill. Despite this seemingly overly-mothering behavior, Deb was justified. Lucas rarely got sick, but when he did...it was pretty bad. Even simple colds or fevers could end up with him bedridden for days on end.

Lucas sighed as he pulled the covers over his mother. She was, by all appearances, dead to the world. As usual. Not tired, but not having anything better to do, Lucas laid down too. But that was only after packing what little stuff they had brought into the room with them, putting the near-empty bottle in the trash, setting a bottle of water on the nightstand by his mother, and moving the pills to her purse. Sure that every thing was in order for the next morning, Lucas then went to lie down, trying to get some rest.

Deb bolted up, before flopping back down. Ugh… She felt like she was about to throw up. What had she been doing? One eye cracked open, fully expecting to see a mess of dirty blond hair at the end of her bed. … She didn't. Starting to panic a little, Deb sat up, looking around. Her eyes fell on the curled up child next to her and she breathed out sigh of relief. When had he gotten there? And why was it bright out? Head feeling fuzzy, Deb reached for her purse. Rummaging around it until she found some aspirin, the woman confusedly grabbed the bottle of water on the nightstand. That hadn't been there earlier…right?

After swallowing a pair Advil pills and chasing them down with water, Deb laid back down and waited for her mind to clear up a bit. Thirty minutes later, Deb sat up slowly and rubbed her temples. She ran a hand through her hair and groaned miserably. Then she froze.

Oh no… She knew what had happened now. Last night she had, doubtlessly, gotten carried away and succeeded in 'lessening the pain' by passing out. Lucas must have gotten everything together before going to bed…

Honestly, she didn't deserve a son like Lucas. Looking over at the little boy beside her, Deb bit her lip. They'd have to leave soon… She looked over at the clock and then at the sleeping boy. He was out like a light. She didn't want to wake him. She carefully stood up looked around the room. She could wake him up later, let him grab as much rest as possible before the long ride to their new home

Bags in the car and room paid for, Deb brushed her son's hair back. "Lucas," she whispered. He didn't stir at all. "Lucas?" Nothing. Deb frowned. He must be really tired. But he had to get up, as Deb could not carry him. She could try, but the woman doubted it would end prettily. She didn't want to chance dropping him. Deb shook her son again, a little harder this time. "Lucas." She continued to call for him and would progressively grow louder until he decided to wake up.

Lucas groaned. Who the hell was shaking him? Where am I? The twelve-year-old was somewhere between that blissful state of not having to face reality and not knowing what the hell was going on. In other words, he was almost half-awake. He heard his name again and recognized the voice. Then reality kicked in and he mentally sighed as he sat up. The shaking stopped and he stretched, rubbing one eye with his fist. What time is it?

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Lucas yawned again as his brain tried to remind him of what was supposed to be going on. Sleepy blue eyes took in the sight of his mother crouching in front of him, a smile on her face. Why was she so damn happy? Lucas was feeling a little grouchy. For once, he had been enjoying his dreams. He had found a friend, an honest-to-God friend, and they weren't moving away this time. Even after reflexively pushing them away and all that, this mystery person he couldn't remember stayed by his side. They had fun together. It had been..nice. Too nice. Lucas and this person had been at some theme park before he was shaken awake.

For a moment, Lucas reflected on how sad it was that his one of best dreams consisted of him doing something so simple as hanging out with someone without fear of something bad happening. Well that's life for you. His mother was still crouching, apparently waiting for his mind to come back reality. "I'm up," he stated.

She smiled, nodded, and told him that it was time to go. Oh yeah, they were going to his grandma's place and his mom was supposed to run her café or something. The idea of living in his deceased grandparents' home sort of disturbed him and Lucas just hoped he didn't end up sleeping in their room. But whatever, it wasn't like he remembered either of them. Probably hadn't met them either. Come to think of it… Lucas didn't even know any other members of their family. He frowned, having never thought of that before. Weird. Why hadn't he ever met anyone else? So what if they moved around a lot, he still should have met somebody. A cousin. An aunt. Anybody.

Oh but wait, he had met one. His Uncle Keith. Sometimes the man would show up and stay with them for a few days. It was usually sometime around them moving into a new place. Hey! Uncle Keith stays in Tree Hill. So at least there was that. Aside from his mom having a guaranteed steady job with the ownership of the café and the guaranteed residency…having his uncle be there was the only otherpositive thing he could pull out of this move.

Deb worriedly looked over at her son. Lucas wasn't a talkative child, but he was being unusually quiet right now. Throughout the entire ride to their new home, he had said nothing. Even when she had tried to start up some small talk, he had replied with soft, one-sentence or one-word answers. The blonde woman briefly mourned the temporarily loss of communication with her son. He was all she had, her only constant in life. The same went for him. They were usually able to talk to each other withan ease that most parents would kill for. There were times that they could spend hours talking about absolutely nothing– just random stuff–for hours.

But now she was met with silence, and the guilt of knowing that she was mostly responsible for his present misery was starting to creep in. As they neared their destination, she had told him that they wouldn't be moving anymore after this; that this was it for real this time. This got a reaction, but not the one she had been hoping for. He blinked and turned his head to stare at her for a good three minutes. Stopping at a red light, she stared back, waiting for him to say something, anything, even if it was to accuse her of lying. She had promised him this once before and it had broken his heart - and hers - when she broke that promise.

Her son had taken a breath and then said, "Oh, okay." That was it. 'Oh, okay.' To his credit, Lucas had looked slightly surprised by the declaration/promise. Probably stunned by my audacity. "Is she seriously trying to promise this to me? Again?" That's probably what he's thinking,she thought sadly.He had gone back to staring out of the window shortly after that. Deb wasn't sure what she had been hoping for in his reaction, but she was sure that hadn't been it. She joined in Lucas' silence until they reached the house.

"Keith!"

Keith Scott turned around and was met with an armful of womanly curves. Deb. He took in a deep breath, inhaling her scent, as he hugged her tight. "I'm sorry I couldn't…you know, hold on to it all."

Deb shook her head, smiling brightly. "That's okay Keith, I owe you for guarding it this long." She looked up at the house, her parents' house. "Thank you," she whispered with a soft smile.

Keith wasn't sure if she was talking to him or not, so he said nothing. Arm around her shoulder, both adults stared at Deb and Lucas' new home. "We can swing by the café later if you like."

She nodded, thanking him.

"Want help unpacking?" he offered. He received no answer, prompting him to tilt his head down and to the left to look at Deb. She seemed distracted. "Deb?"

Deb gave him a 'Hmm?', looking like she was searching for something.

"Deb what is it?" Instead of answering, she turned around. He turned with her…and instantly knew the problem.

Lucas.

His nephew was still in the car. He was staring out of the window, seemingly lost in his own little world. "That kid gets more and more broody every time I see him." He had said it lightly, like a joke, but it was sort of true. Lucas seemed to become increasingly withdrawn, only getting worse with every move. He knew that this devastated Deb, seeing her energetic, bright-eyed baby boy slowly grow into a withdrawn, sad-eyed teen that spent most of his time brooding over something or other. It killed him to see it too. He rubbed her arms in a comforting gesture. "I got him. You go ahead inside, okay?"

Deb gave Keith a thankful smile and nodded, but didn't go anywhere. She wanted to see this. He could usually get through to Lucas when he was like...like 'this'. She watched the man approach the car and tap the window. Her son blinked several times and then stared at Keith as if wondering when he had gotten there. Keith said something, smiling, and Lucas didn't reply, but got out of the car. Keith hugged her son and held him out at arm's length. Whatever he said next made Lucas shake his head in denial.

The older man ruffled Lucas' blond hair and gestured to their bags. The man tapped his arm and then Lucas', smiling as he continued to talk to the silent boy. Lucas offered a weak smile, shaking his head again. Her eyes watched the two most important men in her life as they started to unload the car. Keith almost dropped a bag, one of her bags no less, and Lucas stared at the flustered man who was obviously complaining about what all she could possibly have in there. Lucas laughed for a few seconds, his smile a little brighter. Keith didn't seem to mind that his nephew's amusement was at his expense.

Deb was ecstatic; there was hope yet. Maybe, with Keith's help, she and Lucas both could adjust to their new life. It was, at the very least, a start. A step in the right direction.

Did you like it? Not a lot of action, but I'm just trying to set things up here without rushing through it too much. Anyway, you know the drill. Feedback is an authoress' best friend...or something like that. Review please.