The school day blew by, and Helga absorbed very little of it. Before she knew it she found herself back at the beeper store she unwillingly called home. That evening she sat at the dinner table with her mother Miriam, or at least what might have been considered a dinner table if it weren't lacking dinner.
"So where's dad, anyway?" Helga asked.
"Oh, he's trying to finish some big deal," Miriam said, sipping a glass of water, still trying to lay off the smoothies, "This clear stuff is just so… empty."
"Uh huh," Helga said, "That's the point of water, Miriam."
Suddenly the front door burst open and in stormed Bob, soaked with rain and looking dour even for him.
"How'd the deal go, B?" Miriam asked.
"How did it go? More like where did it go." Bob grumbled, "Out the window!"
"Aw, that's too bad, honey…" Miriam sighed.
"So that's the final straw then?" Helga asked, "Time to take a new approach to the way you do business?"
"Ah, what does a ten year old know about business?" Bob dismissed her.
"Twelve, Bob." Helga corrected, "And I know that selling a device that can do roughly one eighth of what other modern devices can now do isn't advisable in any market."
"That trendy stuff is all just a fad," Bob waved his hand in her face, "I've seen hundreds of other fads come and go."
"Like beepers?" Miriam put in.
"What gives? You both turning on me?" Bob glared at the two of them, "I'm the one who puts a roof over our heads, so I call the shots!"
Just as he made this claim of putting a roof over their heads, several ceiling tiles fell off and came crashing to the floor behind him, along with a support beam.
"Uh huh," Helga crossed her arms, "First we lose the house to foreclosure, then we moved into the store that's falling apart, so what's the next phase of your master plan, once we lose this dump? Rejoin the Happy Sunshine cult?"
"That's not gonna happen," Bob insisted, "I'm the king, and this is my castle. And it's gonna stand forever!"
Just as he spoke the lights flickered off, leaving the three of them in the dark.
"B, did you pay the power bill?" Miriam asked.
"With what?" Bob shouted, finally breaking down, "We're broke! Busted! It's all over! Before long we'll be on the streets with all the dirty hipsters! Or worse… we'll have to live at your little boyfriend's boarding house…"
Helga lit a candle and placed it on the table, clearly having prepared for this eventuality.
"Like Phil Shortman would ever let you live under his roof…" Helga muttered. "Seriously dad, all you have to do is branch into selling mobile phones and-"
"Oh no," Bob insisted, "I built this empire on beepers. That's our whole identity. Beepers are like family to me!"
Helga and Miriam looked at him blankly.
"At least something is." Helga mumbled.
"Well, then maybe we just need to find a new market for beepers…" Miriam suggested. "We could help…"
"You're right." Bob snapped his fingers and turned to Helga, "Olga? Tomorrow you take a crate of merchandise to school and sell them to your friends. Those saps will go for anything with the right incentive."
Helga slammed her head down on the table and rested it there. The only incentive that would get her classmates to buy a bunch of pagers would be her promising not to beat the snot out of them.
At the end of the next school day, Helga found herself standing in the hallway of PS118 near the exit next to the crate her father had sent her there with.
"Beepers here," Helga held up one of the obscure devices she was attempting to peddle, "Get your red hot beepers, here, fresh from Big Bob's Emporium to your trash can. Own a piece of authentic prehistory used by actual cavemen. Get em before they turn to dust…"
Crowds of students poured past her, occasionally snickering but more often just ignoring her. At last Arnold came wandering over, having heard her and looking fairly concerned.
"I think you ought to adopt a better sales pitch." He said.
"You're the sucker who's always trying to get me to be honest, and you can't get more honest than telling everyone how useless your product is!" she bellowed in his face, "Beepers here! Multi purpose beepers! Can be used to annoy your friends or as paper weights!"
Arnold crossed his arms, "So your dad turned to you for help and you're just trying to spite him?"
"Nope. Just giving it my best honest effort. More than what he's doing," she said, "Seriously, he's got to be the world's biggest dope to cling to these things."
Arnold considered for a moment, "Well, think about it from your dad's perspective. To him they're more than just a product, he's really passionate about beepers. It can be hard to let go of something you love even if it's considered old and obsolete."
"Right, like your neighborhood," Helga said, "Or your grandparents."
Arnold didn't even dignify that one with a response and just gave her a half-lidid stare with a frown.
"What? I'm just saying, they're old and you love them, but you have your real parents now, so that renders gram and gramps kinda… superfluous…" Helga trailed off, "Hey, Rhonda, you've got money to burn, right? Want to waste some on a nice shiny new beeper?"
Rhonda looked up from her phone and gave Helga a very skeptical look.
"Let's see, do I want an arcane piece of tech that I can't even make a phone call with…"
"Aw c'mon, voice calls are so passé these days." Helga dangled the beeper before Rhonda, "You only need to text… and this can almost do that without all the other pointless bells and whistles…"
"Can I like, comment, follow, subscribe to or hashtag anything with it?" Rhonda asked, unable to tear her eyes away from her phone.
"I mean, you can comment one way…" Helga shrugged. "You know, if you feel like trolling someone and not having to worry about the repercussions…"
"Please." Rhonda shook her head, "Your attempts to pass these things off like they still have a use in today's world is just pathetic, Helga."
"Aw, who asked you, princess?" Helga growled.
"You did," Rhonda retorted as she started to walk away, when over her shoulder she said, "And stop using the word princess like it's supposed to be insulting."
"Fine! Take one on the house!"
Helga threw the beeper in her direction, without hitting her. Arnold and Helga watched Rhonda walk away, then Helga looked around to see all the other students had gone, and she sighed in defeat.
"Well, finders keepers Big Bob's Beepers, I guess. Looks like we've had it." Helga sighed, "If we can't appeal to a market of people with more money than they know what to do with, what chance do we have? I guess it was dumb to think Princess Rhonda Lloyd would be any help… Arnold? Remember me fondly when my family ends up in a homeless shelter somewhere."
"Oh come on," Arnold said, offering her his hand, to no avail, "We've solved problems bigger than this before. We'll think of some way to save the store, we just need some fresh new idea to bring Big Bob's Beepers into the new millennium."
"The only solution I can think of for that place involves Curly and some matches," Helga sighed.
The two of them started to walk away, initiating what they both assumed would spiral into a long sad walk, but suddenly Arnold stopped dead in his tracks.
"Wait a minute… that's it!" Arnold exclaimed.
"Arnold, I was kidding." Helga protested, "We are not giving Curly matches. Remember what happened last time?"
Arnold shook his head, "No, no. Helga… you're a princess!"
Helga glared at him, "What?"
"You're a princess!" Arnold pointed at her, "I just realized!"
"Uh huh," Helga smiled threateningly, "Call me that again, and my first royal command will be 'Off with his football head!'"
"No seriously! This is great!" Arnold said, "Your dad is the Beeper King, and your mom was once the Beeper Queen… so what does that make you?"
"Court jester." Helga muttered.
"No, you're the Beeper Princess!" Arnold said, then launched into an inspired spiel, "I think I've got a whole new advertising campaign in mind! Just think of it… the Beeper King surveys his once great but now ruined kingdom, but low and behold the beeper princess comes to save the day! Rising from the ashes of old comes the technology of tomorrow, ushering in a new age for the old business, now selling the latest mobile devices at great prices!"
"You've gone from idealist to capitalist in a very short time here…" Helga said. "That's the craziest idea I've ever heard…"
"Take it from me, sometimes crazy works." Arnold insisted, "Don't you think it's worth a shot, your highness?"
"Oh no…" Helga shook her head, and crossed her arms, "There is no way I'm dressing up in some idiotic prissy costume and branding myself the 'Beeper Princess.'"