Warning: Suicidal themes
Cassian flinched as the door slammed. He closed his eyes and ran a hand over his face. "If they're dead, they're dead because of you." Her words resounded through his head like the ringing of a bell.
"They're dead because of you."
Images of a battle flashed through his mind. He ran calculations on the likelihood of the entire team surviving. It wasn't good. Each member of Rogue One was wanted by the Empire for more than just bearing the rebel mark. They'd stolen the Death Star plans. They'd given the Alliance the tool to destroy the Empire's weapon of mass destruction. If Bodhi and K and Baze and Chirrut had been captured instead of killed…
"They're dead because of you."
The hatch keeping back his rising anger cracked. The overwhelming need to do something, to be somewhere, closed around him, making him claustrophobic.
There was nothing they could do. He knew that. The base had already been destroyed; the lives had already been lost.
There was nothing he could do.
Where Jyn had just run off to was anyone's guess. He should probably stop her, but he knew that nothing he did would stop her now. She was a force of nature when she was that angry; he'd seen it before. She'd taken out an entire squadron of Troopers with only truncheons; he wouldn't stand a chance in a close-quarters fight with her.
Was he really entertaining that as an option?
He thought of the blaster hidden in the drawer of the side table. The thought came quick and struck him like an electric charge. He had crossed the room and opened the drawer before he realized what he was doing. The cold of the metal surged through him as his hand closed around the grip. His hands shook, just like they had done so many times before.
He was exhausted. The endless hours of fighting, the sleepless nights marred by nightmares, the sickness in his stomach from innumerable days spent striving for the Rebellion, all closed in around him. Cassian sank down to his knees. The blaster followed him, clutched in his right hand. Light flickered off the barrel, merciless, cruel, and cold.
An overwhelming urge for it all to just be over consumed him. The blaster in his hands offered a permanent escape. He turned it over in his hands before poisoning his finger on the trigger, and lifting it to his temple.
Jyn knew the rushing in her ears, the pounding of her heart, the restlessness in her limbs. She was running from something. Something too close behind her, too close to catching her.
She broke into a run. Bodies brushed past her, voices shouted at her. Buildings flew through her peripheral vision, sunlight flashing across the windows. She focused on nothing but running. She rounded corner after corner, passed street after street.
When at last she stopped she was in a dirty alley. She could tell the bad part of any town, and this was definitely it. She leaned against the wall of a rundown apartment complex, catching her breath. The sun was higher than it had been. She guessed she must have run for a good two hours.
Her eyes scanned the structures around her. She didn't recognize any of it, and the street name might as well have been in another language for all the good it did her. The building just across from her was clearly a bar. The red sign was in a language she didn't recognize, and it was tilted too far to one side.
She thought of Cassian. She replayed what she'd said in her mind, and winced. She hadn't stayed to see the look in his eyes, but she didn't need to. She had cut him deeply.
The faces of her teammates flickered through her head, and her heart hardened. They might be dead, or worse. It was his fault. They could have helped them. She could have helped them. The miscellaneous team had become her family, and she hadn't been there when they needed her.
With a wry smile, she thought back to her days with Saw Gerrera and his band of rebels. He'd trained her to be completely independent, to need no one, to love no one.
To love was to be vulnerable. Jyn had believed that up until the message from her father had shaken her to her core. She'd come to understand that love wasn't vulnerability, even if it felt like it sometimes. It was a different kind of strength, a quieter kind that demanded attention in another way.
She knew what weakness felt like. It wasn't weakness she felt when Chirrut reassured her, or Bodhi made her laugh, or Baze called her his little sister, or K-2 rattled off her probability of dying, or Cassian held her in his arms.
Cassian. She closed her eyes and let out a breath. He probably thought she'd bought a ride on a freighter and was on her way to Yavin. She was a fool for running from him like that, and worse for telling him that their friends' deaths were his fault.
She looked around the street again. There was no way she could get back now. She'd need a map.
Her stomach growled. She hadn't eaten all day, and she'd just burned her energy in that mindless run that had gotten her lost. Her eyes fell on the door of the bar again.
Jyn walked through it, repeating the most convincing argument she could come up with: Why the hell not?
Voices cried out in Cassian's head. He remembered each one of them. He could see with vivid detail the way each one of them had looked as they died. And worst of all: that small whimper of a dying child.
You deserve the same!
He had nothing. His survival instincts were used up. He didn't even have a bottle to drown this suffocating pain with.
His hand shook. The tip of the blaster trembled against his temple, cold as death. But the finger on the trigger might as well have been encased in led. He physically couldn't pull the trigger.
He pushed through all of the reasons that had kept him alive. K-2SO would be taken care of by Bodhi or Baze or Chirrut, and if none of them were still around, then Leia would do it. His team, if still alive, could manage just as well without him; Jyn was a good leader. The Rebellion would carry on without him just like it had moved passed the loss of so many others far braver than Cassian.
The vision of Jyn Erso quivered in his mind's eye. The memory of her touch, her voice, her eyes, was foggy. She'd accused him of being a Stormtrooper, of murdering her father, of abandoning her, of killing their team. She didn't need him. She didn't need anyone. No, Jyn Erso was easy to get past.
The souls of those he'd killed were clutching at him, dragging him into their world of torment. They'd waited so long to get their hands on him, to punish him. Why make them wait any longer?
A small fragment of clarity forced its way through the depths of Cassian's pain. He had to keep going. He didn't get the choice. He had to.
The blaster remained stubbornly against his temple. He couldn't move. His blood was led, weighing down his muscles and limbs and freezing him in place. His finger twitched, and he flinched.
His vision clouded as tears filled his eyes. They ran down his cheeks and splashed onto the carpet. A solitary sob shook his body. A clawing, vicious sorrow tore a path from his chest up his throat in the form of a scream.
Leia.
The name pierced the darkness in his mind. He needed to speak to her. She'd talked him down before.
He didn't let himself think of the danger of contacting her. He grabbed the datapad with one hand, the other still stubbornly gripped around the blaster. He typed in the code for her personal information and sent out the signal.
Please answer.
The silence in the room was broken only by the pounding of his heart. After what seemed an eternity, he heard her voice.
"Cassian, make it quick, I'm in the middle of a-"
"Leia," he gasped. He could hear the desperation in his own voice, the effort it took to speak her name.
She heard it, too. It was a moment before she replied again. "Cassian, talk to me," she said. Her voice was much softer.
"I…" He couldn't think of a single thing to say.
"If they're dead, they're dead because of you."
The sentence repeated itself like a chant until he finally broke. "I need to know… who made it."
She was silent a moment longer. "Cassian…"
"Tell me, Leia. Please."
Another beat. "Rogue One is alive."
The sentence lifted a weight from him. He let out a deep breath and leaned against the wall. An insane bubble of laughter threatened to break from him.
They were alive.
"Are they okay?" He asked the next question. That was what he needed to do; ask the next question. He knew Leia. She'd answer them all honestly.
"Chirrut suffered a minor concussion. Bodhi's left arm was nearly torn off and he lost a lot of blood, but he made it. He's in a bacta tank now. Baze has a few scratches. K-2 showed signs of reverting back to his old programming, but Chewie fixed that. They'll all be okay."
He let out another deep sigh of relief. The news sunk in slowly. He repeated her words out loud. "They'll all be okay."
"Yes." Leia paused. "Cassian, where's Jyn?"
The relief dulled the pang that hearing her name caused. "I don't know," he answered honestly.
"What's going on?"
Cassian told her what had happened over the past two days, sparing a few more personal details. He didn't tell her what Jyn had said before storming out, but it seemed he didn't need to.
"She didn't mean any of whatever she said," Leia told him. "And I don't think she left the system, so don't worry about that." She paused again. "There's someone here who wants to talk to you. Says he'll come find you early if you don't."
Cassian found himself smiling. "Put him on."
"Don't you dare come back before you're ready," the mechanized voice of K-2SO immediately said. "I had a long talk with Princess Organa, and she pointed out how overworked you are, and I agree. It's boring here without you, but I shall do my best to bare it for another three days."
"Thanks, K," Cassian replied. He wanted to ask where the new base was, but he knew they couldn't tell him yet. "Leia says everyone's alive."
"We lost 39% of our troops, but if you meant 'Rogue One', then yes, we're all alive. Bodhi sustained severe tissue damage, but his odds of pulling through are high."
"So you're putting up with all of them? Good."
"Speaking of 'putting up with', where's Jyn? I thought she'd have interrupted by now."
Cassian hesitated. "She's out right now."
K wasn't fooled. "She stormed off, you mean. Well, her odds of buying a ride on a freighter or stealing her own ship are low, considering Craine's impeccable peacekeeping force. There's a 76% chance of her returning."
He sighed. "Thanks, K."
"Have you told her about Omnibus yet?"
The name sent a pang through Cassian's chest. "No."
"Have you told her about your ridiculous feelings for her?"
"She knows."
"I find that answer vague and unconvincing."
Cassian nearly laughed, but instead he said, "Now's not the time, K."
"Is there anything you need me to do? They're running countless diagnostic scans on me, and I am beginning to doubt my own competence. I'd gladly steal a ship and fly to Craine if you just say the word."
He was sorely tempted to take him up on that. Maybe K could come and find Jyn. Cassian dismissed the thought. "No. Stay there; the Rebellion needs you. Just let me know where the rendezvous is as soon as you can."
"Very well. Are you enjoying yourself?"
Well, I was. "Yeah. It's great here. Boring, but great." He paused. "Hey, see if you can dig up a mission or something for us."
"I'll ask," K promised. "The Princess is motioning wildly for me to give her back her datapad, so I suppose I'd better sign off. Enjoy the rest of your trip, and inform Jyn that the next time she says something horrible and runs off, she'll have to answer to me."
Cassian sighed. Really, the droid would only make things worse. He found himself smiling nonetheless. "Alright. Get back to work."
There was a brief pause, and he heard Leia's voice again. "Cassian, there was nothing either of you could have done here. It happened too fast. Don't you dare feel guilty about this, no matter what Jyn says." She paused. "And she'll come back."
"How do you know?"
"She cares about you too much."
"We should have been there, and instead we're days away on a pleasure trip you convinced us to take, trying to work out a relationship neither of us want!" The words echoed in his head. He bit back a retort.
"Are you going to be okay?" Leia asked gently.
Cassian looked down at the blaster still clutched in his hand. "Yes."
"Okay. Go somewhere else for a while. Drink it off if you have to." She knew he was holding a weapon of some kind. "Think about that time you came to dinner with me on Alderaan, and dad spilled wine all over you." He could hear the smile in her voice as she said it. He'd give anything to see that smile.
He chuckled at the memory. "Alright."
"Remember that time you taught me how to shoot?"
Cassian smiled. "And you shot the helmet off of the new recruit?"
She laughed. "He screamed so loud the whole base thought we were being invaded."
They sank into a friendly silence that stretched on for several moments. When he didn't say anything, Leia asked, "Do you need me to stay on with you?"
"No."
"Alright. What are you going to do?"
"There's a bar downstairs. I'll go there."
"Good." She paused. "I love you, Cassian. Don't ever forget that."
He couldn't help but smile. Whether it was bitter or happy, he didn't know. He swallowed an "I love you, too", choosing instead to thank her.
"You don't ever have to thank me. But you're welcome." She paused. "I need to get back to the meeting. I'll check on you in an hour or two, alright?"
"You don't have to."
"I know. I'll talk to you later."
She signed off. Cassian let out a deep sign, and placed the datapad down. He examined the blaster for another minute. With a huge effort, he shoved it back into a drawer and slammed it shut. He stood and walked out of the room, rode the glass elevator to the lobby, and sat down at the bar.
With food in her gut and energy in her blood, Jyn set out on the dangerous tact of finding her way back to the hotel. It turned out to be relatively easy. She asked a few locals, and they pointed her in the right direction.
They all knew the name of the Crystal Resort immediately, and looked her up and down with an expression of disbelief. She looked down at herself, trying to figure out why they'd look at her like that. Her shirt and pants were a little worn, but she'd had them cleaned.
She finally asked someone why he looked at her like that. He laughed in her face, and said he'd never imaged a guest there to look like a soldier.
The sun had passed its highest point, and was slowly crawling back toward the horizon as Jyn finally saw the towering structure of the Crystal. The name fit, she thought with a slight grimace. She understood why the locals had given her those strange looks. The exterior was sparkling like a gemstone in the sunlight, and she knew the inside was even more beautiful. She hadn't bothered to notice that little detail before.
She looked down at her clothes, the same ones she'd worn on her last mission, and winced. She didn't fit in there.
The thought of facing Cassian sent a tremor of anxiety down her spine. She looked around the street for something to distract her, and her eyes landed on an upscale clothing store.
Why the hell not?
It took hours. Jyn didn't really care. If anything, she wished she'd been able to kill more time. She'd never in her life bought clothing that fit her right, and that was only thing the shop attendant would let her get.
She looked odd in the tight, red shirt the lady chose for her, and even stranger in the tight dress. The woman staring back at her out of the mirror, with her hair down and her body draped in nice, clean, decent clothes, wasn't her. The woman had her fierce expression, her untamable eyes, but that was where the similarities ended.
She paid for all of it all anyway, refusing to look at the price. She had enough credits. Any amount was worth the time she'd killed before having to see Cassian again.
What would he say when he saw the bags of clothing? That she'd been ridiculous? That she'd been selfish? That she shouldn't have run?
All of it was true. He'd likely say nothing, though. Cassian Andor excelled at giving the cold shoulder, and she deserved every half-glance of disappointment he'd give her.
The clothes she'd gone in had been thrown away. She was wearing a blue off-shoulder shirt and tight, black pants. It restricted her movement, but it wasn't exactly like she was going to fight anyone any time soon. She did her best to enter the Crystal Resort with a confidence she didn't feel.
She scanned the lobby, her eyes lingering on the bar sign. She could use a stiff drink. Holding the evidence of her shopping trip in her hands, she made her way over to the bar.
Sitting at the counter, nursing a glass of some amber liquid, was Cassian. Jyn pulled up short. He was staring down into the glass with an unreadable expression, his guard up, his muscles tense. She was reminded of the day she'd met him.
Jyn knew that she should speak to him. In public, preferably. But she was frozen. It was as if a force field blocked her path. She generated a dozen arguments against speaking to him now.
Like a coward, she backed away. She left the bar and walked to their room. The glass lift gleamed in the light, making her head ache. She unlocked the door and stepped in. It shut of its own accord.
The silence engulfed her. She moved to the closet and unpacked the clothes she'd bought. She felt even sillier as she put them away, guilty that she'd wasted time buying clothes of all things. Not weapons, not spare parts, clothing.
She was a coward. What was Cassian going to do to her? Nothing she couldn't handle. She could take him in a fight.
"…we're days away on a pleasure trip you convinced us to take, trying to work out a relationship neither of us want!"
She grimaced. All the progress they'd made, all the feelings she had for him, had all been forgotten for the sake of an instant. Her apology would have to be sincere and profuse.
Cassian wasn't drunk. He knew what drunk felt like, and this certainly wasn't it. It hurt too much for him to be drunk.
What he'd said, he couldn't remember, but whatever it was had earned him a punch to the gut and a bottle to the shoulder.
He'd handled idiots like this before. He grabbed the man's collar and slammed him against the counter. One glance at the man's widened eyes told him what he needed: it wasn't worth it. Cassian did the smart thing and waited for security to show up.
Security dragged the man away. Someone tried to get Cassian medical assistance, but he brushed them off. He paid for the drinks, and walked back to the room.
Exhaustion clawed at him like an animal, and again he thought of the blaster. He'd have to do something about that; get rid of it somehow. Blood soaked through his shirt and dripped down his chest and back. That was enough to ground him.
He hadn't expected to see those wild eyes looking at him when he opened the door. Cassian stopped. The urge to turn and walk out gripped his mind, and he pushed it down. He walked in, and closed the door behind him.
Jyn's eyes landed on his shoulder. She stood and moved to help him, but stopped. He didn't want her help; that much was obvious.
Cassian avoided her gaze as he walked to the datapad. A light blinked, indicating a message. He checked it. It was from Leia. A mission offer, set right there on Craine. He read it over, and held it out to Jyn. She stared at him as she took it.
"Mission offer from Princess Organa," Cassian explained. His tone was business-like, as if he were talking to a recruit. She thought again of the day they'd met.
Jyn looked over the information displayed on the datapad. A stolen relic of a bygone age was being held in a vault at a private residence outside of Synop. The home belonged to Acker Zeal, an Imperial sympathizer who was trying to sway the president of Craine into joining the Empire. The relic was said to be a lightsaber, one used by the first Jedi Order.
The thrill of impending adventure gripped her, but she didn't want to talk about a mission. She wanted to clear the air between them. "Cassian-"
"We'll go tomorrow and scout the place, bright and early."
His arms were crossed, his expression blank except for his eyes. His eyes were burning with something like anger, but not quite anger. The fabric covering the wound in his shoulder was deep red and soaked through.
She nodded. "Bright and early."
Cassian returned a curt nod. He turned from her and walked to the closet. He completely ignored the new clothes she'd hung up inside, and drew out a clean one for himself.
So that was it? No comment on the clothes? No questions about where she'd been? No reprimand for running away? She wished he'd yell at her. That would be better than having to share a room with this cold, unfeeling version of him.
"Cassian..."
"The team's alright," he said. "I spoke with Leia earlier. Bodhi's in a bacta tank, but he'll pull through. Everyone else has minor injuries."
The warm feeling of relief was stunted by the tension in the air. She was more than glad that their friends were alright, of course, but she was too distracted by what was in front of her.
She swallowed her pride and tried again. "Cassian, I'm-"
"Let's get one thing straight," he interrupted, turning to fix his burning eyes on her again. "I don't give a damn why you're here. I was under the impression that you wanted to figure out whatever is between us, but maybe I was wrong." He shrugged, as if he truly didn't care. "But I did not make you come, Jyn Erso. You're the one who claimed to love, not the other way around. Figure out what you want."
He walked into the bathroom and shut the door. She heard the lock click. Jyn let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. She swallowed a response, knowing that wasn't the time to talk about it.
She already knew what she wanted: him. When she'd made her decision, she wasn't sure. Maybe it was in the terrorist camp, or when he'd been shot on their last mission, or on her journey back to the hotel that day. It didn't really matter when. What mattered was that she'd made the choice.