It isn't until halfway through the movie that I realize it's the first one we've ever watched together. Being long distance means for a lot of watching the same movies, but while live texting our reactions instead of being cuddled up next to each other.
Cuddling. That is something I have very little experience with. This entire relationship is foreign. I have a moment of panic when I realize what my life is, but one deep breath and my panic turns into a peaceful excitement. My expression makes me seem deep in thought and a little bit confused. Unfortunately, that's just my face, but this time it indicates how I'm actually feeling.
Ross notices my distraction and asks, "What's going on, Bekah?" He inches closer as he says it, causing our knees to touch.
I pause before speaking, keeping my guard up, and say "I'm not sure...I'll let you know when I figure it out." I smile a half smile, but Ross knows me well enough to know I'm not even half smiling on the inside.
He looks into my eyes. "Ok. Sounds good!" It always amazes me how understanding he is of my introverted needs.
To try and keep Ross from asking any more questions, I decide to use body language to communicate my mood. I scoot closer to him just a little, and, before I know it, his right arm is wrapped around me. His grip is tighter than I remember it being. "Have you been working out?" I tease, keeping my eyes glued to the movie. I can see in my peripheral vision that he is staring at me.
"Oh, you know, gotta keep myself in shape for all my fans!" he teases back. I shoot him a glance, smiling. He knows I always find jokes about his fans funny. I give him a light push and we giggle. He grabs the remote and pauses the movie. I get the feeling we won't be finishing it today.
"Why'd you do that?!" I exclaim, fully aware of why he paused.
"Because. I'm your boyfriend and you need to tell me what you're thinking."
I sigh. "You're right," I admit, "I do kinda suck at telling you how I feel." For some reason I start to cry. He definitely wasn't expecting that. His arm now lowers from my shoulder to my back as he starts to rub it, comforting me. I get most of my tears out, compose myself, and begin to explain, rambling.
"I really do love my life. I'm so happy that I'm with you. I know we spend a lot of time apart, but in a way that helps me live a normal life. I just wish it could be like this all the time...I think. Ugh but I know it can't be. I should just be happy with the fact that I love you and you love me. I guess the hardest part is that I'm not exactly sure what's going on with you when we're apart. I trust you, but I just wish I could understand what that other, major part of your life is like. Does that make sense?"
Ross is smiling. Not the reaction I expected. "Those feelings are totally valid," he says. "I feel the same about you, in way. Like relationships are strange and this is your first one and it's like EXTREMELY strange. You're seriously amazing. I honestly don't know how you do it. I love you, Bekah." He stops rubbing my back in order to grab my hand. "Also you're super cute." I stop looking off into space and finally look into those beautiful brown eyes of his. No matter how hard I try, I can't wipe the smile off my face. Ross wipes the tears from my eyes.
We sit in silence for a while, but it isn't a bad silence. It's the kind of silence you never want to end; where you can just sit and simply be. Ross's presence is comforting. Through the stillness, I manage to find myself closer physically than I think the two of us have ever been. Perhaps that's just more noticeable due to our deepening bond on an emotional level. Either way, all I can think of is the fact that we're touching each other. We're so used to being miles away from each other, there's something so surprising about being not even an inch away from each other. It's as if our bodies are one.
I lift my legs and stretch them across and over Ross's. I rest my head against his chest, just below his chin, as our hands separate to allow his arm to wrap around me yet again. His free hand then finds its way over to mine. He kisses my forehead, just once, and I feel his thumb brush the exposed skin on my shoulder. I start to daze off and want this perfect moment to last forever. We are so close I can feel him breathing. It's to the steady beat of his heart that I fall asleep in his arms. How he keeps the beat so steady amazes me.
I jolt up as I get the sense I am falling off my longboard. I look around my room, confused, but reminded of the fact that Ross is here with me. In a matter of seconds I watch his face go from startled, to pleased, and finally, to curious. Laughing, he asks, "You alright?"
Still feeling a bit fuzzy from my nap, I blink my eyes and respond, "Yeah I'm fine, just a little longboard accident is all!" It's at this moment that I notice his arm is still around me and his hand is still holding mine. "How long was I sleeping?!" I shout, or so it seemed being I just woke up an all.
"Not too long! Just a little less than an hour. Not to sound creepy...but you're adorable when you sleep. I gotta admit I was watching you. I thought about watching the rest of Star Wars, but I mean that's kind of an 'us' thing. I didn't want to ruin it!"
"Good! I wouldn't want that. You know how I feel about Star Wars," I reply. Suddenly it crosses my mind that Ross never told me how long he would be here. I just assumed it was only for the day. "Wait...how long are you here for?"
"I was thinking I could stay for two nights and leave early that last morning. That way we have all day tomorrow!"
"Oh, I have an ide-" I begin, but am interrupted.
"Ah, ah, ah! Don't think I came here without a plan, little missy. I have our entire day tomorrow figured out. You don't have to worry about anything! It's a real date. An all day date to make up for all those nights I can't take you on dates."
"Ok, I can deal with that." I smile again. "Since you're mister plan everything, did you have an idea for dinner tonight?"
Ross's eyes widen. My suspicions were correct. "Oh...I guess not..."
"How about some In-N-Out? You must not get that much while you're on tour!"
"Best suggestion ever from the best girlfriend ever." Girlfriend. The word always catches me by surprise when he says it. I do my best to play it cool and jump up from my bed.
"Well, no use sitting around! Let's go eat!"
Ross rolls his eyes. "Alright, lead the way!"