AN: I didn't intend this to be a multi-chapter story. The last one left a lot of possibilities and I liked writing Tomoki's thoughts, it's light compared to what I usually write. This will still follow a 'Weekly' format. Thanks to the few who liked this simple story...
Sunday, 12 AM onwards
The memorial service for an unmemorable dead relative went okay. There were fewer people than I expected, and it was the usual greetings with relatives who ask us about our lives. Tomoko skipped the socializing after the ceremony by staying in the room where we stayed, pretending to be sick from travel. We used to go to this place for summer vacations, but during middle school up to now we didn't come here as often. We were going home before Monday.
Night came. Three of us, me, Mom, and her, slept in the same sparse guest room, in the same bed. She was in the middle. We both shared the same wide white cotton pillow. Mom slept easily, already lightly snoring on the far end of the bed, while I closed my eyes but couldn't will myself to sleep. Tomoko hoarded all the blankets, wrapped it all around herself.
I saw the clock tick to signal another day, past 12 but sleep seemed far away. Sleeping in another place I wasn't used to didn't help the insomnia. I wondered if Tomoko was really sleeping or just pretending to, like me. I can feel her breath on my neck. For the first time in years, we shared the same bed.
"I can't sleep," she whispered, as if sensing that I'm awake.
"Hey, let's go out for a walk," she said again, tugging on my arm and sitting up from her layers of blankets.
"Hn. Just try to sleep. Where would you go at a time like this, anyway?" I talked in a low voice so as not to wake our mother.
"I can't sleep here like this. If you won't come, then I'll go out alone," she said, crept off the bed and went out the door. I let some time pass, guessing that my mother won't notice at all if we sneak out. Then I went out the room myself to the kitchen where was rummaging the fridge for soda, candy, and ice cream.
"Let's go," she said, handing me a Coke Zero can and a frozen chocolate popsicle.
"What are you up to?" I asked, almost hesitating, but I couldn't leave her alone to explore the dark outside. This is a rural place and the nearest neighbor was far away. The house where we stayed was beside the orchards, wide rice and corn fields stretching for miles. I remember how we used to play here during summers years ago, chasing dragonflies floating through the sepia-colored sunset, their lacy wings always out of our reach. It was a fine night, not that cold, the moon a smiling crescent.
She walked on the soil ridges between the wide plots of rice grass, and we walked for a long time until the house where we came from was out of view. Then she sat, watching the moon. I sat as well. It's like we were in the middle of a sea, the leaves looked more dark blue than green. I drank the Coke first.
"It's so boring. I haven't even been online since yesterday morning," she said, munching on her ice cream. This moment reminded me of how once she invited me to burn fireworks with her, but I didn't want to and I only watched her that June night, the multi-colored stream of sparks illuminating her wan smile. I had watched from my window on the second floor as she had burned them all one by one downstairs, outside.
During this odd hour of morning, it seemed that everything was a dream. Weird things always happen by midnight, as said by those children's stories. Cinderella's deadline was 12, or monsters and ghouls appear. As I sat on the grass, I thought that nights in the city are way too loud. Here, the familiar buzz and pitch of singing cicadas are all we can hear. I recall Tokyo at night with all the noise, smog, and blaring lights that goes brighter as night deepens to morning. In this silence, it seemed to me that we're in a foreign country. We haven't gone here for a long time, after all.
The stars have always been brighter here, but tonight the sky was dense with dark clouds and no stars were in view. This place is so unlike where we came from.
She was now eating chocolate Pocky, holding the coated biscuit sticks between her fingers and biting them one by one.
Somehow, all this seems absurd. I felt like I had sleep-walked, like I was detached and just watching this silent situation unfold. That's insomnia, they say, feeling like you're there but you aren't there, one is always drifting through daily life half-awake.
"How about we go there?" she pointed to the patch of forest far off. "There used to be fireflies there," she said, and stood to walk. She left me, not caring if I follow or not, maybe expecting that I wouldn't because I always refused anyway. But then, being left in the middle of nowhere at this time of night was a bit creepy, even if my sister was planning to go alone to what seemed like a creepier place. At least, it's better to share the scare with someone.
So when I arrived, I saw her look at me before stepping backwards into the woods. A dark curtain seemed to fall in her taking that one step, as she seemed to disappear, as if the forest swallowed her. This vaguely reminded me of what I wrote in class last week, 'Cicadas have no Memories'… like Hansel and Gretel lost in the forest.
I stepped in that shadow entrance too, walked in deeper through the trees, only hearing the crunch of my steps as my slippers crushed dried leaves. The trees were only black shadows, and there was no sign of Tomoko.
Then I saw her, sitting under a tree and fireflies floating around her. There were a few shimmers here and there at first, but suddenly they all flashed in unison and there were actually so many of them around, floating around like glowing gold dust. Amazed, I sat beside her as well, watching the small insects. It's been so long since I saw this. We sat there, shoulder to shoulder, just watching the tiny shimmers that were so few moments before, now surrounding us with dots of light that hovered on the ground to the leaves above.
We didn't talk, and sometime there I fell asleep, from the lulling rythm of blinking lights and the voices of insects. I wasn't aware of it until cold drops of melted ice cream fell into my hair (it was mine, she took it). I was already sprawled on the ground with my head on her thigh.
They looked brighter now, but she said we must go back before our mother wakes up. All of it seemed unreal.
We didn't get lost.
We walked again, the moon already low and sunrise a few hours away. Mother was still sleeping, and as soon as our heads settled on the pillow we were fast asleep, the memory of glowing fireflies under our closed eyelids.
###
Our mother gently shaked us awake, the noon sun already high and the sunlight from the window casting a pool of sunlight to the bed where we slept. The first thing I see is her eyes, and we were sleeping in the middle of the bed, in the same pillow and facing each other, the tips of our noses barely an inch apart. I was still sleepy, so I didn't feel like moving.
"Fix your things, we'll go back home after lunch," Mom said. I didn't register the day, and we lay there, in the dreamlike trance between sleeping and waking, seeming unaware that we were looking at each other's drowsy, glazed eyes.
We went home exhausted after a three-hour long train ride, and we arrived home by evening. All three of us retired to our rooms after dinner to rest. I'm wondering about my father, it has been almost two weeks since I last saw him. Sometimes I even forget he exists at all.
Monday
I have a huge suspicion that Tomoko is gay. Her only friend I know was a girl who was her classmate in middle school. From phone conversations I can hear from my room, they're arranging dates and places to meet up. She's the only person I've noticed Tomoko is interacting to, someone she calls "Yuu-chan". She's been at home a few times before but I only saw her in glimpses.
Before I went home this afternoon I passed by her, Yuu, on the school gate. I didn't realize it was her at first. She seemed startled when she saw me. She walked nearer to me as I approached the gate. The few visits she had at home when I was there, she looked different, with long braided black hair and thick glasses that obscured her eyes. This girl, with dyed light strawberry blonde hair and large brown eyes, was different. I only recognized her familiar voice.
"Oh. You're Tomoki-kun, right? Have you seen Mokochi?" she asked, and I stopped walking. At first I briefly wondered who she was looking for, but realized that Mokochi was her nickname for Tomoko.
"I haven't seen her all day at all. Maybe she's at home now, because I passed by her classroom and no one's there. Why?"
Another guy was with her, far from the street but approaching us. He was scowling, as if waiting for her to hurry up. "Thank you, Tomoki-kun! Please tell her that I looked for her and she can text me if there's any problem." Then she ran to him, and they walked away.
"Okay," I said even if I'm sure she wouldn't hear, and I walked home. When I arrived, Tomoko still wasn't there. I greeted my mother, and went up my own room to study. I heard her arrive in her room, as usual she was talking to herself in hysterical nonsense. We didn't even eat together with mom during dinner.
Come 9 PM, she opened the door to my room again, and sat on the floor, like before when we... I mean when she used to talk to me. I was lying in bed reading.
"I thought you'd stop talking to me like this," I said, I didn't even look up from the textbook I was pretending to read (nothing gets in my head anyway).
"Do any of your friends have girlfriends?"
"None that I know of. Some want to, but they don't."
"Do you want to have a girlfriend, or do you already have a girlfriend? Or do you like guys?"
I didn't answer. I continued reading. "I saw Yuu-chan in school this afternoon. She was looking for you," I said instead.
She looked down, picked up loose bits of thread from the blue carpet.
"She was about to introduce me to her boyfriend but I ran away before he arrived. So what do you think of Yuu-chan? Did you find her cute?"
"She's different now. Unlike you."
"Yeah. And I thought before that she was the worse loser. Turned out I'm mistaken."
I didn't listen anymore, as I concentrated on my reading, her talking was only background noise. I know she knows I don't pay attention to her anymore, but she didn't mind and kept on talking. I still heard most of what she said, about how Yuu-chan was kind to her, how they spent the day together in a school fair before, and now Yuu-chan had a boyfriend to spend time with instead of her and she feels kind of rejected. After saying everything there was to say, she said goodnight and left for her room.
Tuesday
I happened to sprain my left wrist during basketball for PE, having stretched my arms to much. I'm better at kicking things than that sport. I ended up on the infirmary. I sat on the bed, resting my hand after the nurse applied ice and wrapped it up and told me not to stress it too much. There is only a flimsy curtain held up by a rod separating this bed from the next bed, where I can see someone's shadow. The nurse left, replaced by another girl who stayed in the infirmary for her. She smiled at me, a girl in casual clothes of shirt and jeans, she had short black hair clipped neat. She read through the nurse's clipboard, where student records are probably written.
"Tomoki Kuroki?" she asked me. I nodded.
"Do you happen to be related to Tomoko Kuroki? She's also there, on the next bed, she passed out during PE again."
"Ah. I'm her brother."
"A transferee? Are you her older brother?"
"No, I'm the younger one."
"Oh." She glanced at the clipboard again, maybe seeing the "1" after the name of my section indicating that I'm in the first year.
"These records say that she's anemic. She's passed out several times before according to the nurse and her teacher..." she said with a frown, as if she's worried for Tomoko. I leaned and opened the curtain separating us, and there she was, sleeping.
"When she wakes up, she'll be sent home. You can go with her." She smiled.
"It's just a small sprain. I'll go, if you say so," I said.
"How's your sister?"
"Well..." I didn't know what to say. Fourtunately, I was interrupted by Tomoko waking up, I can hear the noisy shuffling of sheets as she sat up from the bed. She lifted the curtain and saw me and the student.
"Are you quite well now, Kuroki-san? The nurse advised that you can go home to rest."
"Ah." Tomoko answered, then looked at me and my bandaged hand.
She got up and was about to go out the door, and the girl handed her a piece of paper. She gave me one too, it was an excuse slip signed by the nurse for the teachers. Tomoko was already out the door.
"Nice to meet you, Tomoki. I'm Megumi Imae," she said, and smiled again to me before I went out. On the hallway, I caught up a step behind Tomoko and she spoke, "Ah. Then I can go home and play games for the rest of the day."
"I'm excused too," I said, then she turned to look at me. It was already lunch break, and I can go in and get my bag without a fuss. She was waiting for me on the school gate, and we walked home together again, both of us still in our PE uniforms and not speaking along the way.
Our mother greeted us at the door. "Why are you both home so early today?" she asked.
"I passed out again," Tomoko said.
"I sprained my wrist," I said.
"Tomoko, we really have to do something about that fainting of yours. You've passed out many times."
"The nurse said I'm anemic. There are medications she said I need to take, it's written here." She gave a slip of paper to Mom, and hurried back upstairs to her room.
"How about you? How did that happen?"
"PE, too. Basketball. It's fine, I can go to school tomorrow." I went up to my room, too.
After lunch, I didn't see her the whole afternoon. I only read stuff, I wanted to play video games but my hand hurts.
After dinner, she followed me to my room, and sat on the floor in her usual position.
"What again?" I asked.
"What can you say about the girl in the infirmary?"
"What about her?"
"She's a senior student, now graduated, maybe just visiting the school. She's popular. Smart, kind, friendly, cute."
"And so?" This made me recall how much I wanted to go to another school far from home so I wouldn't see her all the time. I already planned it in my mind, finding a decent dorm and maybe going home twice a month or so. But then, that I'm in the same school as hers was her fault for forgetting to mail my application. I've not thought of that, staying here was better after all.
"I want to be like her. How do I become like her?"
"I don't know. Maybe you should study a lot, try to know more people and be more kind to them, comb your hair more? Huh, as if there are people you can be kind to if you know none of them..."
"Are you making fun of me?" she asked, taking what I said as an insult.
"Or you can stop attempting to be like someone else." And it was her trying to be other than what she was the cause of her problems. Of course, if you're not happy with yourself you should try to change if it will make you feel better. But you should also think of what is better... to change, or simply accept myself as I am? I'm no expert on these matters, and I didn't tell her all this. I dislike giving advice to people who aren't asking for it, that seems too assuming if they don't need it. No one truly knows or can judge, except that person himself.
"I know. But that's easier said than done."
Then back to that old routine. I read, she was speaking, about how one afternoon she was sitting alone and this large, pink dog mascot gave her a balloon and a surprise hug. She talked about how she first met Imae when she had a bleeding cut on her hand and she happened to bump into her. She speaks like she admires her. She was there during the graduation ceremony and watched her. Last, she told me about her funny and depressing attempt at befriending her... that the wind lifted the other girl's skirt up, her underwear showed, and she looked back at Tomoko. She felt like Imae might think she was a huge pervert.
She ended up crying and running for no reason, all her despair and anguish about the concept of popularity and everything else. After that, she decided and realized it doesn't actually matter if she was a mojo but until now it does matter, that it was difficult to get rid of the old ways of thought no matter how much she tries to convince herself.
I fell asleep from all her blather, actually. I opened my eyes again sometime that night, the light is off, my book placed on the table. She had pulled the blanket over me.
Wednesday
I went home earlier again. I passed by the closed door of my sister's room before mine, then a sudden urge made me take a step back and go to her room. Why not? She often goes in my room leaving or taking things without my permission, and but she gets annoyed when I go to her room. Of course, I only go there rarely, to borrow games or old textbooks.
There was clutter of unwashed clothes, scattered CD cases, and manga on her floor. The sunset cast an orange light all over the room, making everything look out of time. On her computer table, beside the keyboard, there was an old notebook with my name on it scrawled in my own rakish handwriting of a kid still learning to write.
Mine? How did it get in here?
And yes, it was mine. Flipping over it, were drawings in crayon and faded stickers of cartoon characters. Opening the first page again, was a composition I wrote long ago.
My Big Sister by Tomoki Kuroki
I love my big sister. She is very nice and always plays with me. She helps me when I am in trouble. She helps Mom with the housework in my stead. That is why I love my big sister!
It made me cringe a bit. But why was she keeping it?
I heard her voice greeting our mom, then I placed the notebook back the way I found it. Quiet, I slid the door close then went to my own room. After almost a year, she went to my room last two nights. The usual, she talks, I pretend to listen. Tonight though, she didn't.
Thursday
Somehow, we have gotten into the habit of waiting for each other before we walk home together. Now, there are more days we go home this way than each of us alone. It's always by the wall outside beside the school gate. I cross my arms, lean on the wall. She'll pass by then I'll follow her, or sometimes I find her in the same spot where I stand when I walk out after the last class is dismissed. We don't always talk. There's a distance between us where I walk first or she's ahead, so that people won't think we're together at all but only two strangers who happen to walk in the same direction.
My friends don't notice. They still don't know her.
We stopped by the bookstore again, and she was reading the back of a familiar book... a translation of Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews. I heard about it from some of the girls in my class who happened to read it. You know them, hiding their small romance pocketbooks inside larger textbooks so teachers won't see them reading when there's class.
She was about to open it, but then noticed me looking at it.
"You know about this? You seem to have read it the way you squint at it," she asked.
"You better not read it."
"Why, what's it about?" The way she said it implied that my silly semi-warning only made her more interested.
"Rape, abuse, overdramatic family problems. A brother and his sister... get it on near the end."
Hell. Now she looked at me with that 'sly pervert' smirk.
"You like reading that kind of shit? You were turned on?"
"I just heard about it, its pretty popular that the plot's common knowledge now."
"It looks too long to read. You're all literary now, huh. What the rape's about, just summarize it for me."
"Trapped inside by an evil parent and a grandmother, you know, growing up and puberty all that, they had no one to turn to after years. It's crap, I only know about it because my friend read it." What the hell am I saying. Then, she went to the manga section instead. There's really nothing to do while waiting for her. I just took book after book, looking at the covers and reading the text at the back that tell what it's about. Most of the Andrews books deal with incest they say. Not that I'm interested, not that I read much even, but I prefer fantasy/adventure or manga. I like pages of drawings in manga than blocks of text in books.
After she went to me, carrying her purchase, we went to buy take-out at WcDonalds then headed home. There were many cicada shells on the tree trunks we passed, shining amber from the deep yellow-orange light of the sunset shining on the street and trees. Seeing them is like... scratching an itch. You can't help but take them. So we walked, she's ahead, me picking them up one by one until I'm home with a handful of shells on my left hand.
In a fit of boredom, I arranged them all by size from smallest to large in a spiral pattern on my table. She didn't go in again.
Friday
I left school by evening, the soccer practice ended late and there was another school competition next week. I ate dinner, went to my room, and found her sitting on my chair and making a mess of the things on the table. She was reading some stray pieces of paper with my writing on them.
"Tsk. Get out if you're just gonna mess up my things and won't even fix them back," I greeted her, taking off my white sling bag and placing it on the bed. What the... she was reading that thing I wrote in class about her. Cicadas have no Memories. She stayed quiet and pretended I didn't exist. She's so slow in reading it while I sat in my bed, and in irritation I tried to take it from her grasp and she grabbed it back, causing the paper to tear.
She only took it from my hand, took the two pieces together and read. Then she looked at me funny.
"Its from a spontaneous class exercise in automatic writing. I just wrote what useless things were in my head for the sake of having something to pass," I said.
"Denying it, Tomoki-kun? Want a kiss? Scared?" she said, mocking me.
"The door's open. You have my permission to leave."
She was sitting on my chair, I was sitting on the bed, and she rolled the chair towards me. Then she only smiled, and leaned nearer to me as if she was going to kiss me. I only grasped her head again, my palm over her eyes and fingers digging in a way I know will hurt, what I usually do when I find her too annoying. She slapped the hand away and leaned closer, then when I flinched she smirked.
And only because she was irritating, getting too near for comfort then withdrawing away, it was her intention for me to flinch and she smirked at the reactions of disgust on my face. And only because I was annoyed - not for any other reason at all, and I wanted to see how she reacts this time because I wanted to get even since she seemed like a sadist. Smirking at me with that mocking look. So the next time she was pressing her face near my face, her damnable mouth, I leaned over, touched her nape and did something I didn't do for years - kiss her. But it really was more like I was only defiantly pressing my lips to her mouth - slightly open from shock, when I was about to let go and drag her out the door...
"Tomoki? Tomoko?" It was our father's voice. I realized with horror that the door was open. She's sitting on the swivel chair, me on the bed and somehow holding her head and our lips together in the most awkward manner.
How would I explain this? I saw her eyes widen in shock, too, then she gently pushed my shoulders away to face our dad.
But when we looked him, he only smiled like there was nothing wrong. Like it was normal. And it was normal, before.
"I brought a lot of food and things for you, so come downstairs." He left.
She wiped her lips with the back of her hand while glaring at me.
"You really like me, right?"
"Don't flatter yourself," I said, and I went out of my room to go downstairs, and she followed me out.
End