Beta-ed by loveroffanfiction
Like everything else in Konoha, the hospital had been destroyed. There was an area where mattresses were scavenged and cleaned so there would be a place to house the injured. Residents from Wave brought supplies, so the medicine, while running low, was not gone. Naruto had been lucky enough that they still had sedatives. For fourteen days, he was left in a blissful, dreamless sleep. Tsunade-baachan ensured no one disturbed him, so for those two weeks, Naruto had not been trapped in a nightmare, whether it be living or fantasy.
"I think the door had a genjutsu around it." Naruto said. Tsunade had a hand resting against his knee, and for the past several minutes Naruto had switched between being uncomfortable with the touch and seeing it as comforting. In the end, he'd let Tsunade grasp his leg. She wanted to, and even if he didn't quite like it, he wasn't going to stop her. "At least it did until Orochimaru died. And I did look in the place the door was at. Multiple times. It wasn't there until it was."
His friends often came to check on him. Wilted flowers lay beside him, most of which weren't even in vases. Konoha was so low on supplies after Pein's attack. There was nothing left but a pile of crumbs.
Sakura had been worried sick. Orochimaru hadn't bothered to send someone to henge as Naruto, so for all she understood, Naruto was gone. Search parties ran rampant as everyone in Konoha wanted to find him.
And that was the strangest part. People liked him. More than once, random strangers had come to visit and check up on him. Those same people would have thrown a rock at his head a month ago.
"I believe you." Tsunade said, "but I didn't ask how you escaped. I asked you what he did."
He gave her facts—nothing too personal so as to not trigger a bad memory— which happened more often than he would have liked. His dreams were filled with nightmares. After waking, he remembered what happened for only a second, and it left him in a confused daze as he tried to find Konohamaru. After that second passed, Naruto forgot everything that happened in the dream.
That was how Sakura described it. Naruto couldn't remember forgetting that Konohamaru was dead.
Actually, he couldn't remember much of anything. There were knives and blood and bodies and screaming. All of it seemed to melt into his mind at once, leaving him more confused as to what happened to him than ever before.
But the door... that he remembered.
Naruto cocked his head. "What Orochimaru did?"
Tsunade nodded. "Yes."
The answer came so easily, so smoothly and without hesitation, that for a second, Naruto questioned whether they were his own words.
"He cut people open." Naruto said, "a lot of people died in there. It's sad. There was a lot of blood."
Naruto could have saved the girl who died of blood loss. She must have been in a lot of pain at the end, and he was glad she got the privilege of sedatives. It would have been so easy to save her. All he had to do was push down on the wound and recount how Tsunade and Sakura sewed skin together. Maybe he could have done it. Maybe he couldn't have. But he didn't even try. Konohamaru was too important, and if he had saved her, Konohamaru would have died.
He did die.
And Naruto hoped he died quickly. A fall off a cliff could have resulted in death upon impact, but just the same, he could have suffered for hours as Naruto lay there asleep.
It was his fault. Everything that happened, everything that Konohamaru went through… all of it was Naruto's fault.
He should have been better.
He should have seen through the genjutsu.
He shouldn't have gone out in that goddamn storm.
Tsunade furrowed her brows. "That's not what I meant." She said, "what did he do to you?"
Naruto jerked back. His stomach flared in pain, and he laid a hand where the laceration would have been if Kyuubi hadn't healed it. He swallowed. All he remembered about his chest was horrible, terrifying pain. The feeling of loss of control and helplessness was vivid, but the memories of what happened to cause those emotions were as lost as Konohamaru's corpse.
It was definitely some sort of laceration. Kyuubi has ensured he knew that much.
Maybe he got stabbed. That seemed like something Orochimaru would do.
He shook his head. He didn't know. Something had happened to his chest. And it was horribly painful. But what it was slipped from his mind every time he tried to grasp it.
"I don't know." Naruto said, squinting his eyes, "everything's kind of a blur."
Tsunade tapped a pencil against a notebook. "A blur." She repeated, "I guess that makes sense. Memory loss isn't uncommon for situations like this."
Naruto blinked. It hadn't even occurred to him that he could suffer from memory loss. Sure, he couldn't remember much. But the feelings he had—ones of helplessness and anger and despair— were as real and remembered as anything else. He wouldn't be feeling those things if Orochimaru hadn't taken him, so he had to remember a lot of what happened to have those kinds of emotions.
It didn't make sense that he could feel helpless without remembering a time when he was helpless.
You were helpless as a child.
He shook his head. It was been so long since he felt that, though. Becoming a shinobi had raised his confidence far beyond what he expected, and helplessness was a feeling he'd lost.
Until now.
"Why are you so calm right now?" Naruto asked. Tsunade jerked her head back, surprised, before settling back down and taking notes. It must have been something about his condition. What else would she be writing?
"What do you mean?"
"You're never calm when I get hurt. You're always worried."
Tsunade frowned. She'd been so nice lately. Even when he called her old or insulted her, she took a deep breath and never screamed. It was surprisingly better this way. He much preferred her when she wasn't yelling at him.
"This is a different kind of hurt." She said, "there's nothing physically wrong with you, and the psychologists I've talked to have instructed me not to freak out."
He tilted his head. Freak out over what? There may have been a lot of blood when they found him, but he wasn't injured. He wasn't dying. All there was was chronic fatigue and lack of sleep.
"I don't get it." He said.
Tsunade raked a hand through her hair. "Neither do I, but the brain isn't my speciality. I'll do as they say unless their methods don't work."
Naruto nodded. "I haven't really forgotten, you know? I just can't remember much right now."
Tsunade gave him a blank look. "Right." She said. "I'll keep that in mind."
He woke up with a gasp. There were no nightmares this time—it was far too early for those—the moon was still low, and the stars dim as the moon rose higher into the sky. How long had it been since he'd woken by natural means?
Too long. More often than not, it was a nightmare that startled him.
Tsunade had taken to sedating him every now and then, but she didn't want him to grow addicted to medicine and only did that if he'd been awake for far too long.
Someone shuffled their clothes near the end of the room. Naruto squinted. Tsunade didn't usually come here this early. But Sakura did every now and then. It must have been her, so he laid back down and closed his eyes. No point in staying awake when he could be off sleeping.
But the shuffling didn't stop, so he sat right back up, looked in the direction of Sakura, and said, "what are you doing?"
Silence met his question. No shuffling. No talking. Nothing.
"Well? I'm trying to sleep, you know?"
Maybe he shouldn't talk to Sakura that way. She'd been nicer than ever lately, and unlike Tsunade, she gave him ramen.
But it was nighttime. He needed to be in bed, and so did she.
"I'm sorry this happened." She said, except it wasn't her voice. No. This was far deeper, and far more familiar. "even dumbasses don't deserve it."
Sasuke.
"Get out." Naruto said, "you're not wanted here."
More awake than ever, Naruto watched as Sasuke's shadow strode across the room. He fiddled with the bottles of pills by Naruto's nightstand, reading each label before setting them back down.
Naruto could have grabbed him. Sasuke was so close to the bed, close enough that he could have killed him with the kunai he'd stuffed under his pillow. But he chose not to, despite knowing what Sasuke had contributed to.
"There's a reason I haven't killed you." Sasuke said. "You don't have anxiety, so why are you on Xanax?"
Naruto snarled. "Who are you to decide what I need?"
Sasuke grabbed the bottle of pills and stuffed them in his pocket. "You're stronger than pills."
"That's not for you to—"
"I've killed Itachi, and might come back for a short while."
Naruto blinked. A month ago, he would have celebrated, screamed even, for the excitement of hearing those words would be overwhelming. Sasuke coming home? A goal he'd sworn to accomplish? A person whom he loved dearly?
It would have seemed like a dream. One with the fantastical happy ending he'd always believed in.
Now though, with the knowledge of what happened in Orochimaru's lab, and the fact that Sasuke had willingly taken part in it, hearing those words seemed like a nightmare.
He pushed himself to the far corner of the wall. Sasuke had pocketed his medication. As strange as it was, it didn't bother him too much. All he knew was that the meds were meant to keep him calm, but they weren't necessary because Naruto was calm and didn't need pills to help him with that.
He shouldn't need pills. He never did before.
"Maybe you should just stay away." Naruto said.
Why steal my medicine?
Sasuke cocked his head, eyes furrowed and lips frowning. He wasn't happy with Naruto, but who was? It was his fault Konohamaru died. And he was accountable for every horrible thing that happened.
Pein attacked to kill Naruto. The village got destroyed because of him. Sasuke left because friendship was a weakness. That may not have been the only reason, but it sure as hell was one of them.
And Orochimaru kidnapped Konohamaru to keep Naruto docile. That was his fault too.
Every horrible thing that happened was his fault.
No wonder Sasuke wanted nothing to do with him.
Naruto didn't even want anything to do with himself.
"Stay... away?" Sasuke said, words hesitant and full of confusion. Naruto nodded. Yes. Sasuke should go back to being a missing-nin. He may have been going back on his word to Sakura. But who gave a shit about that, anyways? Sasuke didn't deserve a place in Konoha. Not after affiliating himself with a man who ripped off the fingers of children.
"It might be best if you don't come back." Naruto said, "so you get your wish of never seeing me again, and I don't have to see you. It works out for both of us."
Sasuke narrowed his eyes, scowling as he stepped forward. "Like I'll ever listen to you." He said, "I do what I want, whether you like it or not."
"Yeah." Naruto said, "I noticed."
Sasuke's black eyes bore into Naruto's. He should have expected this. Sasuke hated being told what to do, and often did the opposite of what they told him. But coming back to Konoha? That was as unlikely as Konohamaru coming back to life.
Sasuke smirked, and Naruto, not knowing what else to do, slipped his hand under the pillow until he reached the kunai. He could use it if necessary. He could kill Sasuke. It would do the world a favor.
Sasuke was, after all, a mass murderer. Even to the world's standards.
He'd aligned with Orochimaru.
He'd chosen a man who experimented and killed hundreds of people.
"Maybe I'll come back early." Sasuke said.
"No."
Sasuke wasn't coming back. Naruto would make sure of that. If he had to thrust a kunai into Sasuke's chest, that was what he'd do. And if he had to use rasengan on him, he'd do that, too. Anything it took to keep Sasuke out of Konoha, Naruto would do.
He didn't deserve a place among them. Naruto was a fool to have ever thought otherwise.
Sasuke sighed. "Too bad. I'll go to the Hokage tomorrow morning and see what can be arranged."
"No!" Naruto said, clamping onto Sasuke's wrist. "You stay away from us. From Konoha. I don't want you here."
Sasuke looked at the hand holding his wrist. Naruto had left the kunai under the pillow. But what did that matter? He had rasengan, and a kunai wasn't likely to kill Sasuke.
It hadn't before, and Naruto had awful aim, anyways.
Sasuke grabbed hold of Naruto's wrist, and Naruto tightened his grip. No way was Sasuke getting the better of him again. Not now or ever again. He was ending this, once and for all, and it didn't matter how much it would hurt Sakura.
Sasuke had to go.
"When have I ever listened to you?" Sasuke said.
And yet, as he grabbed the hilt of the kunai with his free hand, he hesitated. Sasuke was his best friend. Or, he had been at least. Somewhere in a past that seemed so long ago. He was a lover of tomatoes and a friend who had been there for him until the day he wasn't.
Until the day he'd left with Orochimaru.
He clenched his eyes shut. Why did everything have to be so hard? First at Orochimaru's hideout, now with Sasuke. It should be so simple to kill him. All it took was one hit to the heart and Sasuke was dead, yet he couldn't even pull out a goddamned knife.
"You're only doing this to hurt me." Naruto said.
But wasn't that Sasuke's goal all these years? He wanted Naruto to hurt, to die, and to suffer. Sasuke had done everything he could to ensure Naruto understood there was nothing to salvage from their friendship, and it had thrust him into denial about what could and couldn't be.
He thought Sasuke could come back as if nothing happened.
He'd assumed everything would turn out fine.
But then he got captured, and now Konohamaru was dead.
Nothing was fine.
Nothing had ever been fine.
"On the contrary," Sasuke said, "I'm doing this to help you. Someday you'll see that."
Perhaps Naruto would talk to Tsunade about Sasuke's status in Konoha. She wouldn't let him back in if he requested it. But that all depended on how fast Naruto could get to her.
Right now, Tsunade was under the impression that Naruto wanted Sasuke to come back. So if Sasuke found her before Naruto, she could announce his return and it would be too late to send him back into the world of a missing-nin.
"But for now, I have a plan to make." Sasuke said, "I'll see you around."