Thank you all for your reviews! Sorry for the wait. Also, I know I said I only wanted to upload 2 chaps max, but it just got too long. So there will be another chapter after this.
You know what's the best thing about writing in the point of view of only one character?
Unreliable narration.
"When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him, 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time."
-Bon Jovi, "Always"
There is silence.
Heavy, blistering silence.
Naruto stares ahead, darkened cobalt eyes piercing straight through the man in front of him, whose own brown eyes flicker around the room self-consciously.
Naruto almost smiles. Pitiful. He turns back to his computer and pulls up the spreadsheets he was reviewing. Soon, the room is filled with the sounds of keyboard clacking. "Well?" He drawls without a trace of interest.
Hamasaki clears his throat. "I'll…take a seat then…?" He approaches the chair.
"Don't bother. This won't take long." Naruto replies distractedly, eyes trained at the screen.
Hamasaki pauses and draws his arm back to his side. "Right." His hands clench loosely before dropping and folding into the sleeves of his dark sweater. "I…" Hamasaki pauses, and Naruto can sense his stare.
The Hokage can feel the shift in the air, the thickening of the tension. There is building animosity behind Hamasaki's stares. The man is bitter. Angry, even.
The typing stops.
Naruto stays calm and collected. "You were let in without an appointment. I assume this is an emergency."
"It's...it's urgent, I suppose." The man shifts on his feet, leaning his weight on one leg, before immediately straightening and planting both feet firmly. Naruto looks away from his computer and openly sizes him up.
A slab of mud, Naruto thinks. A slab of mud on cement, on a rainy day. That's what Hamasaki is. Him and his dull, unintelligent brown eyes. His close-cropped brown hair, and the stupid little braid that hangs near his temple. His bland skin stretched over a lean, unimposing body. His plain sweater. His dark slacks. Black sandals.
He looks miserable.
And completely out of his comfort zone.
It's to be expected. After all, Naruto reasons, what is a slab of mud compared to the sun and moon?
Hamasaki steps forward. "I had a concern, Hokage-sama."
"Regarding?"
Hamasaki hesitates. His dark eyes narrow slightly at the ground, brow furrowing. "It's…it's not exactly…"
A loud sigh. Naruto leans back in his chair. Just spit it out. Leave. Get out of my sight.
Hamasaki swallows. "My wife."
Naruto stills momentarily, careful not to react. "Did something happen to Hinata?"
At her name, Hamasaki's eyes finally meet Naruto's but he doesn't respond. His mouth is pressed tightly together, brow furrowing slightly. He is unsure. Hesitant. Afraid, even. But there is a glint in his eyes that Naruto can see push him forward, to say the words he clearly is having a hard time expressing. When he speaks, he is firm. "I am here to ask you to please keep away from my wife." Naruto is silent, eyes trained forward, boring into the man in front of him. Hamasaki attempts to stand tall under the Hokage's scrutiny. "I…do not mean to offend or accuse you of anything." He adds as an afterthought.
Naruto stares, somewhat amused. He can see the humor in this, Hinata's husband beseeching him to stay away from her, just minutes after Sakura had warned him of this exact dilemma.
But a much larger part of him doesn't find this funny at all. An unmistakable flicker of fury flares in his gut, heated at the prospect in front of him.
Who the hell does he think he is…
Naruto doesn't give a shit if the guy is Hinata's husband. He couldn't care less.
Slowly, he braces his hands on his desk and leans forward. "Your insecurities are hardly worth my attention." He turns back to his computer. "You're dismissed."
Hamasaki's eyes widen, arms dropping to his side lifelessly. Naruto can see the shock in his expression, the distress in his grimace. The fear in his eyes. Then his brow furrows.
"I am not leaving." He says lowly but defiantly.
Naruto's scowl becomes lethal. "I wasn't asking."
Hamasaki swallows thickly. He is trembling under the glare of the strongest shinobi in the world. "I can't leave." He says softly. "Hinata…" Hamasaki's eyes close briefly. "Hinata is my wife. I need to protect her. And…if that means I must face you, then…then I'll do it."
Naruto's eyes remain fixed, cold, and distant. "Protect her from what?" He asks lowly. "Me?" Naruto's mocking undertone leaves its mark. Hamasaki's eyes narrow and then drop to the floor heatedly. Naruto isn't bothered by Hamasaki's obvious distaste of him. It's not like he didn't see it coming. Any man would be hateful, if his wife was in love with another.
"Many of the villagers," Hamasaki begins, eyes downcast. "Have been coming to me. Warning me. That the Hokage is pursuing my wife." He waits for a response that Naruto will not give. "It needs to stop."
Naruto leans back in his chair, keeping his cool, refusing to believe he has done anything to warrant these accusations. "People gossip. I can't do anything about that."
This doesn't deter Hamasaki. "So it's true then."
Naruto rolls his eyes, wondering why he hasn't thrown the man out yet, but reminds himself Hamasaki is only a civilian. In any case…he must defend her honor.
"Hinata is a comrade of mine and a close childhood friend. I keep in touch with all of them. That includes her."
Hamasaki withdraws slightly at the response. "I…I understand that, Hokage-sama. The Rookie 9 are legendary even amongst villagers. She has many friends. I know that."
"Do you? Because whether you like it or not, Hinata is not a simple civilian. She is shinobi just as I am. She is one of us. There are…" He pauses, his mind taking him back to a fateful day. "Ties that bind us. We'll always be connected. Marrying you doesn't change that."
"I never said that it did." Hamasaki argues feebly.
Naruto scoffs. "Your jealousy says otherwise." He can't help the challenge in his voice. "You can't decide who her friends are or who she spends her time with. Hinata is not your puppet. You don't own her." He waits for the uproar, the denial. The possessiveness to show itself so he can pounce on it.
Instead, Hamasaki says nothing. His eyes are soft and fixed to the window behind him. There is contemplation in his brow. Finally, he answers, "Hinata has ties to her past. I understand that. Her friends, her family, her stories…I can never hope to compare. I know that." Hamasaki's eyes lower.
Naruto's fire lowers to a simmer, his pity smothering the rage he felt towards this man. It has always been difficult for him to witness another's anguish. Even now, even after Hamasaki's infuriating demand, Naruto can't help but sympathize with him. He knows how it feels, the helplessness, the suffering.
And maybe…if it had been anybody else…he might have yielded.
In any case, Naruto thinks to himself, this was bound to happen. There is a reason that shinobi and civilian life is kept separate. They are two hemispheres that couldn't even begin to understand each other. A man like him was never meant to have a woman like her.
The squeak of a chair rattles Naruto from his thoughts and he realizes that Hamasaki has taken a seat in front of him. His brown eyes are fixed on his. "I am a lesser man than you. Any fool could tell you that. And I know that if you wanted it, you could take Hinata from me and there would be nothing anybody could do about it." Hamasaki's eyes lower at the confession, just as Naruto's narrow. "I know that my word is worthless against yours. I understand that I have no right to come to you. I can't make you stay away from her. It is useless just to ask you to." Hamasaki pauses, his mouth pressing tightly together. "But I am going to do so anyways. Because I love her."
Naruto doesn't flinch. "That has nothing to do with this."
Hamasaki presses on, ignoring the deepening of Naruto's scowl. "I love Hinata and I make her happy. Even as I am, a man with nothing to his name but a promise to always treasure her for who she is, she accepted me. She married me. Even when everyone disapproved. When her family would threaten me to stay away from her. When her friends would take one look at me and scoff. Just as you do even now, even after all the years we've been together. But I fought for her. I've never fought for anything the way I had to fight for Hinata."
He almost snorts. "That's because you don't belong with her." Naruto says it easily. "Even if she agreed to marry you, you were never her first choice. You know that…don't you?"
Hamasaki's eyes darkened as he stared. "I know. I know who you are, Hokage-sama. And I know what you mean to Hinata. What she means to you. But Hinata has moved on." Hamasaki says firmly. "She chose me. She… loves me."
There is a heavy silence after that. Naruto settles back into his chair, arms crossing over his chest. "If you really believed that, you wouldn't be here." He watches as Hamasaki turns crestfallen. And there it is, Naruto realizes. The root of all his problems. It isn't Hamasaki's possessiveness that made him come here. It was his doubt. Naruto closes his eyes, sighing through his nose. He was making it too easy.
Hamasaki fidgets slightly before recomposing himself. "It's not like that. I trust my wife."
"Doesn't seem that way." He responds without a trace of interest.
Hamasaki's fist clenches. "I know Hinata. I know her better than anyone." There is a challenge in his voice and Naruto's eyes crack open at the declaration. "I know how she feels about me. And how she feels about you. That's why I'm asking you to leave her alone. Not for my sake, but for hers. She doesn't want you in her life anymore, but you keep persisting. She's too polite to ask you to stop."
Naruto shakes his head slowly, not believing it for a second. He doesn't hesitate to tell it straight. "You don't know anything about Hinata." His eyes harden. "Hinata has a whole life apart from you. You think you know her better than her team-mates? Her dad, her sister…you don't know anything about where she came from. Even me, I know her better than you ever will. Hinata and I have been through hell together, things you wouldn't know anything about. Because I was there and you weren't. And you think just because you convinced her to give you a chance that it means anything. It doesn't. She's not just some average woman. She's not just Himawari's mother either. She's not your damn trophy wife, that's for sure. And if she wants to talk to me, then she can. There's nothing you can do about that." He finishes with a heavy breath, ticked off that he lost his composure. He knows he shouldn't be speaking to one of his citizens like this, but it's not like he asked for it. Hamasaki was the one who came here picking a fight. "I'm done here." He turns back to his computer and types nonsense, fingers flying angrily over the keyboard. The man doesn't move from his seat in the chair and Naruto's hands curl into fists. He turns to him and fixes an aggravated glare on the man.
Hamasaki's eyes are lowered on the desk. Slowly, he lifts them back up to meet the Hokage's. "I loved Hinata before I even knew what love was." He says with absolute conviction. "I told you I wouldn't leave until I made you see reason and if I have to show you how deeply I feel about this, then I will."
"I'm not interested in your fairy tales."
"Hokage-sama," Hamasaki pleads. "If you care about Hinata as much as you say you do…then listen."
Naruto's stare becomes heavy; a large part of him wonders how it ever came to this. Why is he being so hateful to a man that only wants a minute of his time? How could he ever dismiss another person the way others had dismissed him before? But the much more alarming question is why he can't bear to listen to anything this man had to say. And yet he also knows why. Can feel the answer in every fiber of his being.
Ultimately, it is the subject in question that forces Naruto to slowly nod his head once. She wouldn't like this. If she saw how he was treating this man, her husband, the father of her child…she'd never look at him the same way.
"You have five minutes."
He sits at his desk and stares out the window.
The sky is a hazy lavender, the sun setting behind a few clouds. The village is blanketed with the stillness of dusk.
It is a beautiful sight. To see the village he loves so much, the village he has dedicated his entire life to, to see it so peaceful and calm is a blessing. He knows that. To be sitting in the Hokage's office, his hat on his desk, the collar of his cloak pressed on his clavicle…it's something he's always dreamed of.
He became acknowledged.
He saved the world.
He brought Sasuke back home.
He is the Hokage.
This was everything he ever wanted.
And yet…
His eyes shift down, watching from the corner of the window as Hamasaki trails out of the building and slowly makes his way across the village back to his home, his family.
Somehow, the miserable-looking shopkeeper with nothing to his name has everything he has ever wanted. And everything he can never have.
"I was seven when I first met her. She was four. Every week, she would visit my family's apothecary with her mother to buy seeds and the ingredients for a salve. She was quiet and always hid behind her mother's skirt. But sometimes she would look up at me and ask if she could help measure the ingredients. One day, her mother… stopped coming but she never stopped visiting us. She was nice and polite. I thought…I thought she was cute. But also sad."
He packs up his things, loading them into his briefcase. His eyes are hard. They sting.
"Sometimes, she'd come in so bruised up that we couldn't help but ask if she was okay. She always said she was fine; just some intense training, that was all. And she'd try to smile but it never reached her eyes. I learned she was the heiress to the Hyūga clan and my first thought was that she could never be anything like them. But she kept trying. Even if it never got better for her. That's when I would start thinking about her. Hoping she was okay. I wanted to tell her that she was strong, no matter what anyone said. But I figured that didn't mean much coming from someone like me. I'll always regret that."
He sits and waits for the sun to go down. His work is left untouched on his desk.
"We didn't talk much. I guess we were both too shy. But I remember the day she came running into the shop, all out of breath, and so excited she could hardly stop moving. She showed my mother and me her forehead protector. She had just become a genin and she needed to stock up on everything so she could make ointment for her teammates. That was the first time she looked me straight in the eye and… she smiled. A real smile. She was so happy."
As he slowly leaves the office, he passes by Shikamaru, who is at his own desk sorting paperwork. Their eyes meet. Shikamaru clears his throat before asking, "Was it all taken care of?"
There is a pause. And then, "Yeah."
"She didn't come very often after that. I guess she was out on missions with her teammates. And I…I would miss her. I heard how dangerous it was to be a genin. I was afraid for her."
He walks home slowly. Leaves crunch under his boots. His cape blows behind him in a breeze.
"I was in the crowd the day of the Chūnin exams. I saw her sitting with her teammate in the audience. I felt bad that she didn't make it to the final round, but I was also relieved. I learned a lot that day. I learned about her cousin. Her father. Her uncle. I found out why she was always so sad. And I also found out about you."
When he comes home, he sees the lights are off. His wife and son are already in bed. They won't miss him if he needs to make a detour.
"She was happier after that. Her cousin started accompanying her to our shop. I tried to introduce myself and he stared at me until I excused myself to run to the back. It took him a long time before he ever bothered to look my way. I think he might have known how I felt about her. I don't think he liked it."
His leg dangles off the edge of the Hokage monument. The moon is larger than he has ever seen it.
"I kept hearing your name. Everywhere I turned, someone was always talking about you. It didn't bother me. Not until her teammates came in with her, encouraging her to say good-bye to you before you left. I saw her face. The way her eyes lit up. How she turned so pink. She looked so pretty. She never looked at me like that."
When he's here, he feels like he is at the top of the world.
He wants to stay up here.
And never go back down.
"After you left, she trained harder than I ever saw her. I was glad, because it meant she needed to make her salves more often. I tried talking to her more. If she wasn't in a hurry, she'd ask me how my day was. It was always so boring compared to hers. She started growing out her hair too. She was fourteen and becoming a woman. Every time I saw her, I thought there wasn't another girl in the world who could match up to her. She was such a good person. Noble and kind and compassionate. And she was beautiful. I hoped you would never come back. But you did."
"Mom," He whispers to himself. "I made a mistake."
"I hardly ever saw her after that. She would come and go. I didn't know much about what was going on, but even I could tell that something serious was happening. The village didn't seem as peaceful as it did before. And then the earth shook and the shop collapsed on us. There was so much screaming. I got hurt. But my mother was trapped under the roof. And then she came. She was only fifteen and so small and petite, but she saved us. She pushed the pillars off us, took my hand and pulled me up. I didn't know how strong she was until that day, when she carried me and my mother to safety all the way to the medics. She held my hand. Told me that everything would be alright. And then she disappeared. She was saving people. And I had a bad feeling in my gut. That something terrible would happen to her."
"I should have never listened to you."
"The shinobi around us were yelling. That the Akatsuki were going after the jinchuriki of the Kyuubi. They were winning. They had him pinned. One of them said your name. And my heart stopped."
"You were wrong."
"The village was decimated; we were all blown away by something so powerful… they said it was you. They said the Kyuubi got free. Because a girl tried to save him. He saw her die. He lost control. All they talked about was you. Nobody even said her name. My world fell apart. And I knew I loved her. And I knew she loved you."
"I can't fix this."
"But she's strong. She lived. When I saw her at the medic tent, I…well, anyways…she lived and I was…I don't think words can describe what I felt. I wanted to talk to her, thank her for saving us, but she was busy. I…I thought she'd be with you. I was so sure after everything that you two would…anyways, I didn't see her much. Only in passing. But she'd always smile at me and ask me how my mother was. I realized too late that she had left to fight in the war. I was devastated. And I promised myself if she managed to come back to me, that I would tell her how I felt."
"It's too late."
"As you know, she did come back and I was ready to live up to my promise, but…her cousin…I knew it wasn't the right time. I waited. I watched her. I watched you. I knew that you had gotten…closer, I suppose. Sometimes, I would see you alone together and I thought—well, you weren't. But then you left for your first tour and I saw my chance. So the next time I saw her, I asked her if she would get dinner with me. She was, uh, too busy, I suppose. But I kept asking. Maybe I was being a bit annoying. The weeks passed by and I persisted. She kept turning me down, and I was discouraged. She's…incredibly loyal, as you know. She was waiting for you. But I couldn't give up. The day you were coming back, I hadn't gotten any closer to getting her to agree. I was so sure it was over. But…well…you always surprise, Hokage-sama."
There is no response. And he realizes that, unlike before, this time no one is going to help him with this. No one he can turn to. No one who would understand. No one except…
He drops his head into his palms. He hurt her. He hurt her so much without a second thought.
"After that day…I didn't see her for a long time. Her friends came to my shop often, asking if she stopped by. They were alarmed when I told them she didn't. I suppose they were looking for her. Eventually, I decided enough was enough. I went to the Hyūga compound and asked to see her. She came, and I could see in her face that she was going to turn me away. I don't know what made me do it, but I, well, I told her that I was in love with her and to give me a chance. I don't know what I was expecting, but she looked at me like I grew two heads and asked me to leave. But I kept coming back. The guards always tried to scare me away. I didn't care. I would bring flowers and chocolates and letters that she wouldn't accept but I didn't let it stop me. The very last time I went to her, her father took me by the collar and dragged me away. But I saw her watching from the window and when our eyes met…she smiled at me. She was laughing. She looked happier than I had seen her in a long, long time. The next day, she came to the shop. She agreed to see me and we met a nearby park the next day."
He thinks of the day he first saw them, at the park, nervous and worried…but hopeful.
He could have stopped it. Almost had, he remembers. But he didn't. Because he never doubted that Hinata could take care of herself. And he never doubted in his firm belief that she would never leave his side.
And maybe it's his own self-absorbed arrogance…but he never thought about what could have been happening. He never pondered at the fact that he hardly ever saw her, never thought she might have been suffering all alone, never gave a second thought to anything happening outside of his personal life that was slowly but surely spiraling out of control.
He never thought he would have to worry for her. Never would even harbor the idea that she needed him. And it's selfish but he can't help it. He wants her here now, comforting him, telling him everything he needs to hear, and then everything would make sense again. But she'll never do that for him again, will she?
This time, she won't save him.
"She didn't have to agree, but she did. I wasn't the only one pursuing her, but she chose me. Out of all the others—civilians, and shinobi, and even that heir from another clan—she gave me a chance. Even when her friends would see me coming and roll their eyes, she never turned her back on me. For a whole year…I made her happy again. She let me hold her hand. Kiss her. Love her. She forgot you. She wanted to be with me. Even when I knew her family would never let somebody like her marry somebody like me…she fought to be with me too. Her father told her she would never lead the clan if she disobeyed him. She told him she didn't care. She left them and lived with me in my old awful apartment. She married me. She gave me a daughter. She's mine now."
She is not his anymore. Not his to depend on, or turn to, or call for anymore.
Not his to wonder about. Not his to think of. Not his to worry for. Not his to hope for. Not his to fight for. Not his to rage for. Not his to cry for. Not his to smile for.
Not his to hurt. Not his to abandon.
Not his to regret over.
"Of course I wondered about you. But…whatever you two had…it's over. You married. And…if you don't mind my saying so…the First Lady is a beautiful woman. Your son is a prodigy. And she is happy for you. Maybe you should be happy for her too."
How the hell can anyone expect him to be happy over something like this? How can he? He couldn't even if he tried.
He doesn't want to be happy for her. And even if it kills him, his agony is the one thing that makes it real. What they had was real. What they shared…people spent lifetimes searching for. He couldn't just let it go.
And…
And even if it went nowhere…
He had to try.
"Hokage-sama…"
His eyes are hard and unforgiving as he stares down into the village.
"If you don't keep away from her…"
He knows that Hamasaki loves her, wants her, needs her….
"I will take her…"
But he needs her too.
"And we will leave."
Blood boils in his veins, fury curling his lip and furrowing his brow. He is livid.
Konoha is her home. He is her home.
And though he is ashamed, though his guilt feels so heavy it consumes him every second of the day, though he hates himself for his weakness…
He will not give up. He never goes back on his word.
And he had promised Hinata he would always fight for her. He vowed to win.
The Hokage slinks off the monument, into the night, with his mind made up.
"I will take my leave now. Thank you for listening."
It's cold outside.
Staring ahead at the Hokage monument in the distance, he drops back into his form. Concentrates on his stance. The flow of chakra circulating through him. Strike once. Twice. Hold your ground.
He breathes in. Breathes out. Strike once. Twice. Don't break form.
And then the sliding door behind him is thrown open, and he drops his stance, smiling. "Daddy! Come play with us!"
He turns around, his grin huge, as little Boruto jumps on him, and Naruto pretends to stagger under his weight, startled at the feeling of Himawari's little body also jumping on to his. He drops to the ground dramatically, clutching at his kids like he never wants to let them go.
"Don't go outside in your bare feet…" And then there is soft padding heading his way. Shoulder-cropped dark silky hair bobs as she cranes her head outside, bangs parting in that familiar way on the side of her forehead. And though her lips are set in a disapproving half-smile, her eyes are bright and playful.
"Alright." He glances at her mischievously. "Boruto, Himawari," His stare drops down to them and their blue gleaming eyes. "How 'bout a snowball fight?"
His wife's eyes widen and she is about to voice her concern of them catching a cold amongst the excited shouts of 'SNOW BALL FIGHT!' when Boruto shouts, "TAKE THAT!" and a slab of snow is lobbed at her. Her yelp is unavoidable and Naruto and Himawari can't help their shocked, amused giggles as they watch the scene.
Hinata wipes the snow from her face, stern with shock, but it melts away with a laugh, "Alright, Boruto. You asked for it." And she crouches down to scoop up her own snow, and the kids go mad with excitement. He watches them and laughs and feels so warm that he forgets snow is seeping into his pants.
"Watch out!" He warns. "You know when your mom gets serious, she's super—"
His eyes snap open.
And then lower.
His room is cold. Must have been why he dreamed of snow.
Slowly, he sits up, the sheets falling off his bare chest and he dips his head into his hands, breathing in deeply to clear his head. To his right, the blankets shuffle and then still. He glances at his wife's peaceful sleeping face.
His chest feels heavy again. He turns and lifts himself off the bed, heading to the kitchen for a cup of cold milk. The house is silent.
He's been having these dreams lately. Scenes that felt so real, he could have sworn they were memories. But they're not. They are illusions, figments of his imagination, fantasies.
And deceptions.
He stands at the window and stares out into the empty village, the night dark and daunting. Without a second thought, he turns and slips into his boots, pulling a t-shirt on and shrugging a jacket over it. He leaves quietly, locking the door behind him before heading off.
For a few minutes, he wanders. Trails the empty streets he used to run through with angry patrols hot at his heels. He remembers laughing and shouting and being an annoying brat that was so lonely he used to talk to his plants.
He pauses at the shift in the air, alert and tense. A kick in his senses, an instinctive pull, like his name was called.
Because it was.
Just like before, when they were so closely connected he could sense her without even trying to, could hear her thoughts, feel her pain.
And just like before, he leaps into the abyss to save her.
He knows she is there before he even sees her.
Could feel her emotions so strongly that they become his as well. And, like always, his body reacted without a second thought. He went to her.
She sits cross-legged in front of the grave's plaque, so distraught she isn't even in her proper seiza position. Her shoulders are shaking, her back hunched as she huddles into herself. She suffers silently, as she always has.
He stands a few feet behind her, his heart hammering at the sight. She isn't even aware of him and that alarms him too.
The sky is dark, and the air is cold, and Hinata cries like no one can see her. Perhaps, in the past, a girl's tears would have scared him enough to keep his distance. But he is wiser now, and the sight of Hinata's fragility doesn't haunt him as strongly as it used to. His sandaled feet carry him closer to her, enough so that he is standing right behind her. When he speaks, it's almost a whisper. "Are you okay?" Her body stiffens in response and he can feel the conflicting emotions in her. She does not turn to him.
Slowly, her head tilts to stare up at him from the corner of her eyes. They are hard. "What are you doing here?"
Her icy tone sends chills up his spine. He wets his lips uncomfortably. "You're crying." He doesn't know what to say but state the obvious. Quickly, she wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand, like a child, all the while drawing up her knees to her chest. He waits as she pulls herself together, swallowing uncomfortably. Her hand runs through the short tousled mane of her hair, messy from restless sleep, before dragging to rub at her tired eyes. As he watches, he comments to himself how unusual it is to see Hinata so unkempt; she is always clean and neat and put-together. But not tonight.
Gingerly, he steps forward and lowers to the ground besides her, staring hard at her. Her distressed eyes are focused ahead, her pale lips tightened. Her rumpled hair sways in a light breeze and, like him, she is also in warm pajamas with a jacket thrown on top. He pictures her, awake in her dark small apartment, pulling on her shoes and coat and heading out into the night.
"Hinata…" He says heavily. "It's the middle of the night. What are you doing here?" And though Hinata has always been the weird type, crying in a cemetery in the dead of night is a new low for her.
For a long few seconds, she doesn't respond. Doesn't look at him. And then her head lowers. "I didn't know where else to go." For a split second, he wants to challenge that—but then he thinks of himself at the top of the Hokage monument, never wanting to return. His eyes soften.
They are silent again. It's not strained or heavy. Just patient.
He wonders if she also has trouble sleeping. If she sees him in her dreams as often as he sees her. If her mind also tricks her with memories of another life.
"I am happy. Don't worry about me."
"We're all married and happy so stop ruining it!"
"I made her happy again."
"Maybe you should be happy for her too."
He sees her glassy mirthless eyes, her colorless complexion, her heavy heart. She looks so tired. So defeated. So unsure.
But he is here. He is here now. He's not going anywhere.
He clears his throat. "Alright?" He asks gruffly. She also clears her throat lightly, shutting her eyes tightly to regain some clarity, and then she nods. "Must be bad, huh?"
"What?" She glances at him from the corner of her eyes.
"You don't cry. Unless it's bad. Like real bad." He says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, recalling the very few times he's ever seen Hinata's tears. Both times had been…life-changing, to say the least. Hinata doesn't respond to his claim, looking down at the ground with the faintest pull around her lips—the closest thing to a scoff he's ever seen her make. The sight makes him swallow uncomfortably. "But…even if it's bad…you'll be okay. Everything will turn out alright. Right?" He presses.
There is an odd tension after he says that and Hinata turns to him with a strange look in her eyes. He doesn't have much time to ponder about it, because she turns away from him again. "I don't know."
He nods slowly. "So…" He begins quietly, his voice rough and scratchy. A part of him is hesitant to bring him up, but he decides this is something she should know. "He came to see me, you know."
She doesn't even ask who he's talking about; it's a given. "I know." She responds quietly.
With a strange gruffness in his voice, a knot of tense emotions and insecurity lodging itself in his throat, he asks, "Did you ask him to?"
She doesn't hesitate. "No." And then, "He shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. Whatever he said…I'm sorry." For a split second, the corners of his lips turned up in victory. But then she turns to him. "You shouldn't be here." His mouth flattens. They both stare ahead, re-reading the name of the plaque in front of them. And Naruto hopes with all his being that Neji isn't watching them right now.
He breathes in heavily through his nose and can't help his scoff. "Why? Because he said so?"
Her eyes lower.
Naruto stares at her, waiting for an answer he doesn't expect. Watching her now, silent and tight-lipped at the mention of her husband's demands, he is reminded of Tsunade's words.
"But spending the rest of your life with a person that matches you in everything? It doesn't work out."
He thinks of himself and his wife and slammed doors, heated stares, and resentful insults that were responded to with equal fervor.
He thinks of Hinata and her husband and quiet frowns, silent treatments, distant eyes that were met with reticence and insecurity.
He thinks of the day he sensed her inner turmoil and rushed to her aide; her refusal to talk about what was hanging so heavily in her heart; the admission that she just wanted to be alone. He thinks he understands.
"Just so you know…" He begins, his voice low in his throat. "I don't take orders from him."
"I know." She responds instantly. "It…it was our business. It had nothing to do with you. I-I'm truly sorry he bothered you. If I had known, I would have…" She trails off, clutching at her sweater.
Naruto sighs softly through his nose and leans back on his haunches, staring up into the dark sky. Besides him, Hinata looks at him curiously. "Nothing to do with me, huh…" He murmurs. At his words, Hinata looks away from him, making a point not to even glance in his direction. "Do you really believe that?"
She swallows. "…Regardless…he shouldn't have involved you."
He ignores her attempts at dropping the subject. "Do you know what he asked me to do?"
"He's…told me before." Her eyes hang even lower. "For a while now…he's been talking about moving to a smaller village. I didn't really know why until last night." She pauses and her eyes scrunch close. "I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking to you about this." She's on her feet before he can even get a word in and in a panic, he grabs her wrist and they both freeze. He hasn't touched her in years, hasn't felt her hand since that day so long ago.
"Wait. Please just wait. Please." His grip on her wrist is strong and he stands to his full height, towering over her small frame. Wordlessly, she backs away from him, too stunned to even snatch her hand back from him. "Don't be afraid. Whatever he said to you…don't be afraid. I won't let him take you."
She shakes her head repeatedly. "Y-You can't."
"Don't say that." He needs her to believe him. He needs her to trust him. He needs her to depend on him. "I can and I will. Whether he likes it or not, I'm the Hokage and what I say goes, and if I say that you're staying in the village, then you're staying in the village." The filter he has forcibly constructed over the years is all but forgotten and he says everything that comes to him.
She shakes her head weakly. "The Hokage is the leader of the shinobi. And I'm not shinobi anymore. We are only citizens, a civilian family."
He wets his lips nervously, his heart picking up speed. "Himawari. Himawari is shinobi. Even if she's only in the academy—"
"He pulled her from the Academy last week. He never wanted her to be shinobi." She responds in a clipped tone that flares his nerves. He's never, not once in his life, seen Hinata's temper show itself. But when it came to her daughter…
He thinks of Hamasaki and his insecurities with his Hinata's double-life. Even Naruto could see how much it bothered him, his bitterness at having no place in that world she shared with everyone but him. He can only imagine how Hamasaki has vented that frustration.
"Then…" He swallows. "Then this has been going on for a while now. Hasn't it?" She doesn't respond. "It has. He's trying to control you and you know it."
"Th-that's not how it is." She murmurs feebly.
"Why didn't you say anything? I was right there." He backtracks as soon as he says it, realizing the multiples ways Hinata can react to such a bold claim. "Or to Kiba or Shino or Kurenai-sensei or Sakura or your family—they all think you're fine and happy but you're not. You didn't say anything. You never say anything." And even he feels frustrated at her for her lifelong habit of keeping her feelings bottled inside, never said aloud, never acted on, just to build up and layer upon layers of insecurities. "Why?" He pleads lowly. And just like before, the knowledge that she didn't trust in him enough to depend on him tears at him.
Her eyes lower to the ground, refusing to meet his. "Because it's not your business." She responds shortly, her voice not giving away anything.
His grip on her wrist tightens. "You're my business. You'll always be my business."
She gives a sharp sigh and frowns. "Please don't say things like that."
"Why not? It's true."
She hangs her head with a sigh. "Naruto-kun..." She whispers, not daring to look up at him. "You shouldn't even be here."
"Why?" He asks, knowing the answer perfectly.
Her breath stutters in her throat, a desperate plead in her eyes at his question. "Because you can't. You can't. I can't do this with you. I can't do this to him. He-he doesn't understand. He won't like this." Her words rush out in a panic, her hand pulling away from his to knead at her clothes, but he doesn't let go.
"Hinata," He interrupts firmly. "What do you want?"
She shakes her head fiercely. "You shouldn't be here."
"Then tell me you want me to leave." He challenges and Hinata stills. "Tell me and I'll never bother you ever again. Tell me and mean it." Her pale watery eyes shut, her brow strained. "You can't, can you?" He says quietly.
Hinata shakes her head. "What I want doesn't matter, though." She murmurs softly, in true Hinata fashion. "What he's asking of me isn't wrong. I need to honor him."
"Honor him?" Naruto's blood boils at the very idea. "Hinata, you weren't there. He was threatening me and spouting all this bullshit—Hinata, you're like a trophy to him. He thinks he won or something just 'cuz you married him!"
"I did marry him."
"Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't have."
There is a tense silence after that. Hinata's lips purse tightly, her brow furrowing. Her eyes harden. Her tone deepens. "You…you of all people…you don't get to say that to me." And for the first time in a long time for the world's most powerful shinobi…he is afraid. He has never seen Hinata angry, much less made her angry, and it frightens him even more that he can't predict what she'll do next.
And now he's angry at himself for saying something so awful to her—even if it's true. Her own words also cut at him, the knowledge that, in her heart, Hinata had stripped him of any rights he had to her.
He wishes she'd yell. Hit him. Make him feel like the piece of shit he knows he is. He's used to that.
Anything but look at him the way she's looking at him now with those sharp, unforgiving eyes that she only used on the battlefield. Like he was an enemy.
And then she softens. Lets out the breath he didn't know she was holding. Her eyes lower to the grass, contemplative and thoughtful. His mouth parts, ready to apologize, when she sighs through her nose. "Why are you doing this to me?"
At her pained tone, he bites on the corner of his lip, nervous to say the wrong thing again. "I shouldn't have said that."
It doesn't deter her. "Why? Why are you here, Naruto-kun?" She looks like how he feels inside—confused, and guilty, and hopeless, and desperate for an answer.
He clears his throat again, trying to suppress that knot of emotion. "Listen. I'm…I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry it took so long, but I'm here now. I'll think of something. You can depend on me, Hinata."
Her eyes shut again, this time in impatience. "Naruto-kun, please. You don't need to do this. You don't owe me anything."
"That's not it. That's not why I'm doing this." He says firmly, exasperatedly, studying her rigid face. At his outburst, she softens, a question on her parting lips before she immediately decides against it. But the issue still lingers in the air—the reason why he can't stay away. He wonders if she knows. "Hinata, I…I care about you. Don't you know that?" He stares hard at her, the wisps of dark hair, the tense clench of her jaw, the shimmering vastness of her eyes, until she has no choice but to offer a stiff nod. "Okay. Okay, so…" His grip around her wrist loosens, enough so that the rough pad of his thumb runs over the smooth curve of her palm. Her hand trembles at his soft touch, and his stare lifts from their hands to her tilted face, her unfocused eyes. "So that's why I won't let go."
His hand closes over hers. He waits.
Hinata does not respond, does not look at him, does not acknowledge that he has said something so impactful. He grips her hand tighter. "Say something."
A few seconds pass before she finally responds in a light whisper, "I don't know what to say."
He doesn't buy it for a second. Hinata always knows what to say. "Just say it. Whatever's…in your heart, y'know…"
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Because it'll ruin everything." Hinata whispers lowly. "Everything I've done, everything I've worked for…I can't just throw it away." She looks up at him. "Please understand. Please. I can't do this."
Seeing her now, pleading and panicked and pushing him away, he wonders how he ever found strength just by looking at her. Right now, all he feels is weakness. "I'm not asking you to. I'm not, I swear. That's not what I want."
Now she looks at him expectantly. And he knows that he has to answer her. Has to answer that question that has plagued him since forever.
Her eyes draw him in as she stares. "What do you want, Naruto-kun?"
He swallows. Looks down. Wets his lips. He answers lowly, deeply. "I just…I can't lose you. I…I need you in my life, Hinata. Even if…even if all I can do is say hi or carry your groceries or walk you home or listen to you talk about your husband and your daughter for the rest of my life…that's enough for me. I won't complain. I won't ask for anything more. I won't, I swear. But…if you leave…if he takes you away from me…if I never see you again…I don't know what I'll do." He is aware that they are in the ultimate no-win situation; if they continue to see each other, Hamasaki will take her away. If they agree to stay away…then he'll lose her. It's an ultimatum he refuses to give into and he hopes that Hinata feels the same way. He watches the way her eyes fill with tears, beading at her lower lash line.
Hinata lowers her eyes from his, staring at the ground. "I…" She begins and then squints her eyes. He holds his breath, waiting. "I don't believe you." She says decisively.
A grunt of frustration leaves him and he drops her hand to pull at his hair. "What the hell do you want me to say, Hinata?! Do you want me to get on my knees?! Do you want me to tell you how long I've been holding this in?! How long I've been thinking about you?! Is that what you want?!"
Hinata steps back from him, an arm braced in front of her defensively. "Stop it."
"No." He steps forward, challenging eyes focused on her guarded ones, surging towards her as she backs off. "You stop it. Stop acting like you don't know what I'm talking about. Stop pushing me away. Stop looking at me like that. Stop walking away from me."
Hinata pauses mid-step, frozen in place, as her eyes narrow. "I'm not the one who walked away." His frustration is clipped at once, throat locking with a surge of emotion. Watching him carefully, Hinata softens. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but…you can't just say something like that to me. Not after…everything." She looks at him expectedly, as if waiting for his outburst. For once, he doesn't know what to say. He is silent. "You are my friend." She says softly. "You mean…a lot to me. You always have. You know that. That's why…" Her eyes lower self-consciously. "It's hard for me to let go. I should have stopped this a long time ago, but I couldn't bring myself to do it." She bites at her lower lip, eyes lowering. "But I was being selfish. And stupid. Naruto-kun, I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm a wife, a mother, and I have a family to take care of. But… when I'm with you…you make me feel like I'm young again, back when being in love with you was something that made me stronger." She admits without a trace of reticence, no hesitation found in her voice or her eyes as she looks up at him. She looks so calm, and he can't fathom how when his own heart is galloping inside his chest like it wants to bust out and jump into her hands.
But, he thinks, it doesn't matter how old they are. It doesn't matter if he has a wife, and she has a husband. It doesn't matter if they have children. Clans don't matter. Duties don't matter. Nothing matters when it comes to her. It'd always be the same.
"But that's not the case anymore." She continues. "I have a family that depends on me. Himawari…I need to be strong for her. And my husband…I need to honor him. No matter what everyone says…I do love him."
Loves him. She loves him.
Naruto's stomach drops. His throat tightens. His mouth dries. He feels like he's been blindsided by a blow he never saw coming; complete and utter betrayal. A betrayal that feels nothing like the pain he felt at Sasuke's treason. This is a treachery that boils in his stomach and ices in his veins. Numb. Numb everywhere except where it counted.
His hand absentmindedly clutches at his chest, as if trying to soothe his erratic heart. He doesn't even know what he feels, has never felt anything like it. Not grief, but close. Not hatred, but close. His knuckles flex reactively to the images he paints in his head, of the appalling instinct to make Hinata a widow.
That was his love. It was his.
He holds on to the terrible thoughts, relishes in them for only a few seconds before pushing them away. He can feel Hinata's stare, and he can't bring himself to look at her. Even if he had always known that Hinata was not his…her heart was. She had promised it to him so long ago. It was why, even when she married and everyone told him to let it go, he had never doubted her; her word meant everything to him. She was never supposed to stop loving him.
He doesn't even know how much time has passed in silence before he is able to bring himself to speak. "You said you would never go back on your word."
There is another few seconds of silence, as if Hinata is still trying to comprehend exactly what he just said to her. "What?"
"You said that. You did. And you said you would always love me." He pauses, having never acknowledged out loud that Hinata had indeed loved him. He waits for her to remember, and he knows by the way her hands have stopped their clenching that she has. "Was that a lie, then? Was it all a lie?" He looks at her, eyes focused and angry and burning. Retrospectively, Hinata's eyes hold nothing more than guilt and sadness.
"You asked me to say whatever is in my heart." Hinata reminds him lowly. "And in my heart…I love my family. I would do anything to make them happy. I would do anything to protect them." Her fingers clench tightly, and she breaks her stare for a few seconds to stare at the ground pensively before meeting his eyes once more. "But I'm still in love with you. Even after all these years…even after everything that's happened… I never stopped thinking about you. I never moved on. I never stopped loving you." Her eyes scrunch close, fighting against the surge of tears he can see just barely brimming through her lashes.
And Naruto…
He can't breathe. He can't. He can't even feel his legs. Or his arms. His chest. Whatever was grounding him to the physical world…it was slipping out of his fingers. It was like an out-of-body experience watching the scene, not daring to believe that Hinata would confess her love for him yet again. That everyone had been wrong; that he had been right to hold on. Because Hinata is still there, still at his side, still holding a candle for him.
He wants to be happy. He does. But the smile doesn't come to him. The electricity coursing through his veins, the weightlessness of his soul, the pounding of his heart…it feels incredible. But also dreadful. Dreadful because he knows it's not over yet.
Hinata breathes in deeply through her nose, running a hand absentmindedly through her hair to soothe herself. And then she continues. "But it's wrong. It's wrong and it needs to stop. And—and for you…I know that you don't see it that way. You don't see it the way I do. You don't…feel the way I do." He wants to retort that, but Hinata unknowingly cuts him off. "I want to be your friend. I do. So much. I don't want to lose you either. I want to sit with you and talk with you and walk with you and…I just want to be with you." She smiles grimly. "I haven't changed. Even after everything…I haven't changed at all." Her smile drops. Her eyes lower. And she looks so much like the little girl he first noticed in the arena, uncomfortable and afraid and so ashamed that his heart crumbles. She sighs, dark brows furrowing, pale eyes lowered to the ground. A few seconds pass in silence. "I'm sorry. I should go."
He is instantly shaken from his trance. "What? No, you can't leave."
"Naruto-kun, I've already said too much. I shouldn't have—I need to go."
His gut wrenches in his stomach, heart pounding violently, a siren ringing through his ears.
It's now or never. There's no time left. Do it now. NOW!
"Stay with me."
Hinata does a double-take, eyes widening and questioning, as if she misheard him. "What?" She mumbles under her breath.
He hesitates before reminding himself there's no time to waste. "Hinata, I want us to be together."
Hinata is deathly silent, wide eyes staring at him, unmoving. "You're not serious."
"I am."
She looks around helplessly, as if looking for the right words to say. "If this is because of what I just said—"
"It's not. Well, I mean, yeah, kinda, but that's not why."
"What are you—" Hinata's breathing picks up, eyes wide and unblinking. "You're not making sense. Why are you saying this?"
"Because I should have said it a long time ago." He says firmly. "Hinata, I messed up. Okay? I messed up and I ruined my life and yours too and I'll never be able to put into words how much I regret it and how sorry I am. And everyone keeps saying that it's too late and that I should just forget about it and to just leave you alone but they're wrong! They don't know the first thing about it! But you do. You do, Hinata. You know. You've always known, haven't you?"
"Known…?" Hinata murmurs softly, still not understanding.
"That we're supposed to be together." Naruto says just as softly. "We are. Ever since we were kids…" He glances down once, nudges a clump of dirt with the side of his boot. "It was always the same. When I think back on it…" He smiles. "That's what everything was, wasn't it? Everything we did for each other, everything we said, everything we felt…that's what it was, huh? It was this." He feels like a twelve-year-old again, staring at Hinata, and wondering what she was thinking. Saying all the things he's never been able to say before. He probably doesn't make much sense, but he knows she understands him.
Licking his lips, he continues. "Hinata…this whole time…it was supposed to be us. You and me. It's like…it's like we belong together. Or something." He blinks, wishing he was better at this. "I'm sorry it took me so long to see it. I'm sorry. But I can still fix things. It's not too late." Hinata still doesn't say anything. But she is listening, and that is enough for him. For now, he considers himself lucky she hasn't fled already.
He just has to say the right thing. He knows it. And then she'll see. She has to see. "I'll do whatever it takes, Hinata. Whatever you want…I'll do it. Just…stay with me."
Hinata presses her lips tightly together, taking deep breaths, trying to ground herself in all the uncertainty he's thrown at her. "You…you want to… be with me?"
"Yes." He answers quickly, not surprised she still hasn't quite to terms with the whole situation.
Hinata's eyes brighten, staring at him in wonder before they lower. "But…but what about…" She trails off uncertainly, no doubt afraid of the backlash of something like this.
Naruto processes her words silently, eyes simmering in their heat as he stares at her. "…nobody has to know." She stills and he knows that wasn't the right thing to say. Had Hinata been any other woman, he knows he'd have been pummeled into next week. But she's always been different, hasn't she? So she simply stands there and looks at him, silent and unmoving, unflinching even in the face of complete disrespect. His shame engulfs him, and he lowers his eyes, regretful that he let his impulsive desperation speak for him. "I didn't mean that. Not the way you think."
"I know." Hinata says lowly and Naruto lets out a breath of relief, momentarily thankful she knew him so well. But he's not done yet.
"I'll separate from her."
Hinata's eyes snap to his, wide and in complete disbelief. "What?"
"I'll do it. If that's what it takes, then I'll do it." A small part of him distresses at the proclamation—leaving his wife will be a lot easier said than done—but the other side hardly cares.
Hinata wets her lips, hands clutching nervously at her sleeves. "Boruto…he won't be forgiving." His eyes lower.
"He…he'll understand one day. And…" He forces a smile. "And Himawari is strong. She'll be okay." At her daughter's name, Hinata's hands pause their ministrations. "If you're worried about it getting messy, don't even sweat it, Hinata. I'll take care of everything."
Her eyes drop shut. "But…it's not that simple."
Of course, he knows that. A scandal like this will rock the village for months. He'll be at the center of public scrutiny, and damn Shikamaru's gonna kill him—but it's worth it. If he can be with Hinata, without anybody trying to stand in his way…it's worth it. He wishes he'd done this ages ago—shit, he wishes he'd scooped her up and ran off with her before Hamasaki ever thought he had a chance—
Damn. Hamasaki.
But…
If he truly loves Hinata like he says he does…
Then he'd want her to be happy, wouldn't he? And she could only ever be happy with him.
He glances down at her, his brow furrowing at her pained expression. He wonders if she is also thinking about her husband. And Naruto feels bad too, he does, but…well. It can't be helped.
Naruto approaches her steadily. "Hey." He takes her hand again, holds her wrist in his palm. "It'll be okay." He needs her to believe him. He needs her to trust him. "Hinata…I know it's not perfect. Everything sucks. I know that. But…if we do this…we can be together. I'll take care of you. You won't ever have to worry again. I promise."
Her head shakes weakly. "How do you know?" She gazes up at him, her iridescent eyes large and deep, strands of her dark hair swaying into her face. She looks so perfect and beautiful that nothing matters anymore. And the words that always tugged at his tongue, that longed to be voiced, to be acknowledged, that he always gulped back in fear of what would happen if he let them go, of making it real…it doesn't matter anymore.
"Because…because I love you." And it feels so good to finally say it. "I think I always have." So right. "And I know I always will." So true.
Immediately, Hinata lifts her head. A blush warms her complexion. "Naruto-kun…" She says softly.
And their eyes meet in such a way, that he thinks time must have stopped. There is complete silence, complete stillness, and his feet drag him closer, his eyes never leaving hers. So many emotions pass through him that he can't distinguish them, only feel them in their fullest intensity. His pounding heart is the only thing he is sure of; he can hear it beating desperately in his ears. Now he stands so close to her that their chests graze, and he can smell the sweetness of her shampoo, see the quivering white pupils of her eyes, feel the heat of her body. The tight hold of his hand around her wrist loosens just enough to slip to her fingers, just as the stare of his eyes slip down to her lips. And as he slowly descends, eyes lidding heavily, he feels her fingers grip on tightly to his, like he's anchoring her to this world, and now their lips part and hover helplessly over each other's so closely, that her breath becomes his. His lidded eyes glance once into hers, for her permission, but when he sees she has already closed her eyes, waiting, he doesn't hesitate as his lids fall shut and his lips press gently into hers.
The crickets sing.
His fingers thread into her hair.
The sky lightens.
And Naruto and Hinata kiss like nobody can see them.
They were wrong.
Hope this was acceptable. See you next time!
-Gen