Inept Part 2

By Trabrasera and BB

Rated: R- for strong language

Disclaimer: Not ours, we don't own. No sue.

A/N: We weren't actually going to do a part two but due to overwhelming positive response and requests for more, we have decided to give it a go. Thanks, y'all, we 'preciate it.

"Everybody lies." Gregory House, M.D.

House looked over the table at the assembled board. Nikolas Cassadine looked especially pissed. Well, him and the Quartermaine clan. Jax had a kangaroo-boy grin on his face as if he was still processing House's words.

"Well, I think that about covers it. GP's in the ER, keep your specialists on their floors and your surgical nurses, oh I don't know, on the surgery wing, C.N.A's, P.C.A.'s, P.A.'s. Hire specialists; oncologists, endocrinologists, virologist/immunologist. I mean, for Christ's sake, you have a doctor on the floor with HIV, and you don't have an immunologist? Are you asking for an outbreak? Do you even follow Universal Precautions?"

"It's not in our budget to hire all these people," Nikolas responded.

"Aren't you the guy running a 'free clinic' across town with THIS hospital's staff?"

"Yes," Nikolas replied, irritated.

"Why don't you put that money into this hospital and offer the same services here, with your staff HERE?"

"It's just not in the budget," Jax put in.

House blew out his breath, top of his head ready to blow off.

"Aren't you all ridiculously wealthy?"

At the lack response, he went on.

"Buy less crap, spend less money on yourselves and put some into this hospital, the one you're supposed to run for the benefit of the citizens of Port Charles."

There was rumbling and grumbling.

"It's a wonder you've passed state inspections so far. I mean, you have enough money to pay them off? Use that money to employ more staff!! And supplies! I can't find a tongue depressor in this joint." House paused, composed himself and continued. "And on a separate note, your drug supplier is screwing you. I had to go to GreenMart for my meds because yours were placebos! So, there's more money down the poop chute."

"You're points are very valid and we should take them into consideration-" Jax started.

"Consider what, surfer-boy? Your hospital is barely functioning, you're spread thin, you have specialists acting as GP's in the ER for Christ's sake! If I were a doctor here I would have quit and sued and reported you to the state board of health."

There was much mulling amongst the board members.

Tracey Quartermaine jumped up.

"I've been telling these morons the same thing for years!" She turned to the board members. "If you don't work with me to implement the plans outlined by Dr. House, I'll personally pull all Quartermaine funding and report the hospital to the state board!"

"You can't do that!" Edward yelled.

"Shut up, Daddy!" Tracey yelled back.

House grinned and said, "'Daddy'? Like father or," here he winked, 'daddy'?"

Tracey ignored him.

"I should have done this when your previous chief of staff almost killed my worthless, degenerate, two-timing husband on the operating table!"

"Let's be reasonable," Edward put in.

Nikolas threw up his hands and Jax just looked amused.

"All right, to recap, you guys suck at your jobs, and I'm going to play your fairy godmother. I'm going to wave my magic wand and make it all better. Your job is to make sure the checks get signed, because if they don't… Well, we know what happens then." House stood grabbed his cane and headed for the door." "Bye."

House was on his way to Spinelli's room when he stopped at the nurse's station.

"I just got you all the extra staff you need," he said to Epiphany as he walked up.

"And my response is what? It's about damn time someone did something."

"No, no, really, a thank you is too much, just do me a favor…"

Epiphany ignored his sarcasm.

"If anyone starts asking for me, especially guys in suits, you haven't seen me. You don't actually know who they're talking about."

"Get away from me, white man." she said, moving charts.

House leaned over the station closer to her.

"You know you want me…"

"Yes, skinny, gimpy, pasty white boys make me crazy."

House leaned back and started walking away.

"When you're over your denial, I'll be in Spaghetti's room."

"Derisive One, you have returned."

"Not like I have anywhere to go thanks to you." House plopped himself in the reclining chair next to Spin's bed. "You watch soaps?"

"Not as such, I am usually in the cyber world more than the make believe world of the television."

House grabbed Spinelli's remote.

"Well, you should always be up to try new things." He switched the TV on and found his channel. "Now, as you will see Cynthia is about to reveal the paternity of her twins… Been on pins and needles for this. I personally think they're Brock's, but the timing is funny so they could be his evil twin Derek's."

Spinelli began to speak.

"Shhhh! Wait for the commercial."

The TV can be heard as the two are silent.

"'Cynthia, we have bad news. Your twins… One belongs to Brock and the other is Derek's."

Melodramatic crying.

"But that's not possible!"

Dun dun dun Dun.

"Okay, Spaghetti, fill me in on the rest of Port Chuck's. This is actually turning out to be better than the 'E-Mail Killer" arc on my story. Tell me more."

"Spinelli, Derisive One, my name is Spinelli. Or the Jackal."

"What the hell is up with that? The Jackal, Stone Cold, the Godfather, the Maternal One, Maximista, the Valkyrie, Vixenella, the Undeserving One and mine, 'Derisive One', while accurate… come on."

"Well, when you get my name right, Derisive One, I'll work on yours."

"Fair enough. Anyway… Who's the Valkyrie? No, better yet, who's Vixenella?"

"Vixenella is… an adversary of Stone Cold's. A rival, if you will."

"Is she hot?"

"The term hot would be adequate in describing Vixenella's outward attributes. Another term would be scary."

"Do you ever say just yes or no?"

"I have been known on occasion to employ brevity, my wont usually runs to-"

"Okay, okay, I get it, never mind. The Valkyrie. Large, Nordic woman?"

"The Valkyrie is indeed tall and Nordic looking, but I believe the blonde to be artificial. She is currently married to one corporate raider, Jasper Jax. Previously wed to the Godfather, four times. Currently, she is grieving the coma of her eldest child. She is scarier than Vixenella."

"Sounds like my kind of woman… Jax, Jax, Jax," he said trying to put the name to a face. "You mean the big surfer looking guy? They walk around like Ken and Barbie, don't they?"

"While the Jackal admires the Suave One, I do not believe he is as anatomically deficient as a Ken doll."

"That's not what I meant, but moving on… I get that the Maternal one is Liz, the Naughty Nurse. Stone Cold is Jason, the Blond Assailant. The Godfather? Who's that, what's his story?"

Spinelli cringed.

"I would prefer to refrain from speaking about Mister Sir, for fear he would hear about it and kill me."

"It's like that?"

"The Jackal was on the receiving end of the Godfather's wrath. There was head injury and loss of pride."

"Hang on, Spinelli, show's back on…"

Liz and Jason were cleaning up the table after dinner when he turned to her.

"That House guy isn't that bad."

She sighed.

"He calls me the Naughty Nurse…"

Jason winked and said, "You sayin' your not. Because last night, that thing… That was kind of naughty."

Liz grinned.

"What about 'Blond Assailant'? Like that better than 'Stone Cold'?"

"I don't like either, actually. I'd prefer to be called by my name." He moved closer to her, putting his hands on her hips. "Or that thing you said last night. What was it? 'Oh, Daddy, yes'?"

She leaned back, popped him on the shoulder and said, "The boys are right there!"

"Well, I'm their Daddy. Shouldn't be too much of a shock that you call me that."

"Filthy, filthy mind. And unfortunately, I can't punish you for it tonight. I'm working the 7p to 7a shift. But next time," she said, pulling him close, "I'm gonna make you say my name."

"Promise?"

"Absolutely."

"Oh Spinelli, I'm so glad you're going to be okay," Maxi screeched as she entered his room, jarring House from his nap. She stopped, realizing Spin wasn't alone, looked House in the eye and said, "Who the hell are you?"

"You're Maxi, right?" he replied.

"Yeah, like I said, who the hell are you?"

"She's sweet," House said to Spinelli, "I can see why you like her." To Maxi. "I'm the guy who saved your boyfriend from the inept staff, and I use the term 'staff' loosely, at this hospital and your BBQ chip and diet soda poisoning."

"I didn't poison him!" she replied, then squared her shoulders. "You're Dr. House. My cousin told me about you. It's not nice to make women cry."

House gave her his patented shocked and confused look.

"How do you know it was me? How do you know a butterfly didn't fart in Malaysia and start a chain reaction ending in your cousin becoming a tearful wreck?"

Maxi shook her head and stared at House.

"I have no idea what you just said, but Robin was crying and your name kept coming up."

"Ohhhh, Dr. Preggers! Why didn't you say so. I did make her cry. But in my defense, she had me abducted and dragged to this half-assed hospital in the middle of no where."

Maxi looked affronted.

"You shouldn't talk shit about Port Charles. You're from New Jersey, the state of big hair and turnpikes. And, oh my God, Bon Jovi!"

"You've cut me deeply, blonde girl. You cut me real bad. But I'll give you Bon Jovi."

"So, are you going to be here the whole time or what? Cause I'm here to visit Spinelli, not sarcastic, weird ass old men who need a shave."

House turned to Spinelli.

"I really do like her, good choice." He turned to Maxi. "Gonna need you to empty your purse, make sure you're not smuggling in contraband."

"I already explained that. Spinelli begged, I caved."

House turned back to Spinelli.

"If it works, use it," House said and stood. "No more greasy chips and artificially sweetened beverages and we'll call it good."

"I'm so relieved that you can see your way clear to forgive me. Now get out."

"Seriously, marry her," House said, and left.

House exited Spinelli's room, got half way down the hall and then couldn't pass up the opportunity to spread more fun loving cheer.

"Surfer Boy! And… Wait, don't tell me… Tall, blond, dark roots, scary. You're the Valkyrie!"

"Who the fuck are you?" Carly replied.

House turned to Jax

"You let her kiss you with that mouth?"

Jax ignored the remark. So, House went on.

"Doctor Gregory House, interim Administrator of this here hospital, at your service, Barbie."

Carly turned to Jax.

"Is he for real?"

"I'm afraid so," Jax replied.

"Oh, anyway, Ken and Barbie, I was told you run a hotel and I need a place to stay. So," he said in his crispest of tones, "could you hook a brother up?"

Carly shook her head.

"What is it today with the freak parade? First, Robin started shit, then Sonny gets in my ass now this creep?" She turned to House. "We own the Metro Court and we could probably find you a room for a modest fee."

"I was thinking fee free. What with me being beaten and abducted…"

"What is he talking about?" Carly asked Jax.

"I'll explain it to you later. Suffice it to say, let's just give him a room." He turned to House. "I'll make a call, you'll have a room in an hour."

House contemplated. He could sit in the kid's room until his room was ready. Doctor's lounge. Nurse's station. He rounded the corner at the employee entrance, and he saw her.

"If it isn't the catty caregiver!"

Liz sighed.

"Dr. House, I think I asked you-"

"You asked me not to call you 'Naughty Nurse'. I didn't."

More sighing from Liz.

"Did you need something, Dr. House? Ego boost, someone to sharpen your wit on? Because I'm just starting my shift and you do not want to put me in a mood."

"If I thought your gangster boyfriend wouldn't kill me, I'd let you know what I need."

She breezed by him.

"Go talk to Dr. Lee, she kind of liked you."

House called to retreating figure.

"Sure thing's no fun. A woman needs an air of mystery, a little… attitude."

She flipped him off as she walked in the door.

"Attitude," he said, smiling.

House was sitting in the Metro Court Lounge, drinking. As usual. He'd just gotten off the phone with a very unsympathetic Wilson, who told him to buck up and take it like a man. House responded with a "You know when I get back it won't be pretty?"

"Is it ever?" Wilson replied before hanging up.

House heard shouting in his nearby vicinity and getting closer.

"You dirty, rotten, man-stealing, conniving, social climbing heifer!"

"I did not steal-" Kate started.

"You know Carly, you need to calm down and handle your own business," Sonny said.

"You know what, Sonny, why don't you go kick rocks and tell your trampy girlfriend to keep her lips off my husband."

It went on in that vein for several more minutes until the four were almost directly behind House at the bar.

And then he had enough. House stood and said to the group.

"This is a place of drunken relaxing. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Does everyone in town need to hear you air your dirty laundry? Normally I find this kind of thing amusing, on TV, when I can change the channel. Right now, I want to drink my Scotch, jerk off in the shower of my lovely room and go to bed. And as long as you assholes keep this up, I won't be able to finish getting properly toasted."

Four pairs of eyes latched onto House.

"You, Ken and Barbie," House continued, "Really love my room, and really don't need to hear about your personal life. Take it somewhere lese."

"And you, from the description I was given, you're the Godfather, Mister Sir, right?"

Sonny shrugged.

"Let me lay it out for everyone to deal with," House said, taking the last gulp of his drink, "The 'Suave One' made out with prissy britches. But, and this is a big but, the Valkyrie here, crazy broad that she is, had sex with the 'wannabe Don' in the back of a limo."

"What?!" Sonny shrieked in a shrill voice.

"You didn't know you had sex with your ex-wife in the back of a limo? Is there a medical condition, did you black out? Or did she take advantage of you, she is big-boned, much bigger than you. They call that sexual assault, by the way, if you want to press charges."

Kate stood there with her mouth open.

Carly turned red and lunged at House.

"Hey, hey! No beating up cripples. I'm physically handicapped," House said as Jax grabbed hold of Carly. "Oh, I get it. It was a secret. They weren't supposed to know you sexually assaulted your ex in the back of a limo. Sorry."

Sonny turned to Kate, who pulled her hand out of his and ran from the bar. Sonny, of course, set off in pursuit.

Jax let go of Carly, who started to beg for forgiveness immediately.

"We'd just put Michael in that facility, I was emotional and vulnerable. Sonny took advantage of me."

House popped in.

"Way I hear tell, you two made the beast with two backs to soften him up, so you could get him to sign away his kids." He took in their shocked faces. "But that's just what I heard."

"You should take your crippled ass back to your room before I have you-"

House turned to go.

"You should really have your testosterone level checked. Very aggressive. Might be why you're having trouble conceiving," House said as a parting shot and hobbled to the elevators.

House was back in Spinelli's room the next day.

"I like you Spaghetti, and I don't say that to many people. You're fairly honest and you talk funny, and I like that. Having said that, I might have blown up your spot. I see stuff breaking bad for you and I'm willing to take you back to Jersey with me."

Spinelli closed his eyes and sunk into the bed.

"The Jackal's overly verbose ways-"

Just then Lulu burst in."I need your help, Spin," she said frantically, pulling up short when she saw House.

"What is it with you and the blondes? Good man, Spaghetti, good man. Which one is this one?"

"Well, Derisive One, this is the Blond One, Lulu Spencer."

"Alliterative name you have there," House said, settling into the chair. "But as you can see, Spaghetti is busy. And my story is about to come on. So…"

"Um, excuse me, Old Guy, I don't remember asking for your opinion and as far as I know, Spin can speak for himself-"

"If he could do that, he wouldn't be in the hospital. You, Blonde One, leave. Come back in two days."

"Why two days?"

"I'll be out of town by then and I won't have to deal with your childish brattiness."

"You are not the boss of Spinelli, Old Guy-"

"Ah, but in fact, I am. I'm Mr. Spaghetti's doctor. So turn your pert little butt around and head out the door."

Lulu looked surprised and turned to Spinelli.

"I really do need my rest," he said weakly.

Lulu huffed, stamped a foot, turned on her heel and left.

"Do not marry that one," House said, grabbing Spin's remote and flipping it to his story. "And seriously, you want to visit Princeton, I'll take you with me." House settled back in the chair for his soap.

House was in the hospital on his last day. It was 7am and he wanted to make sure the I's were dotted and the T's were crossed on all the changes. That and to make sure they signed all the checks.

He saw Jason enter the hospital and approach Liz, so he went in for his parting shot.

"You sure you want to stay with the Mob Enforcer, 'cause Diagnostician's make really good money. And I'm even cool with the kids, we'll get a nanny."

Liz shook her head and grinned.

"Jason, could you shoot him please?"

"Seriously?" Jason asked, "Because there are a lot of witnesses…" He turned to House, "You need a ride back to Jersey? I promise you'll be conscious and you can sit in the front seat."

"As attractive an offer as that is, I think it's just a ploy to get me out of town, kill me and dispose of my body."

Jason shrugged.

"We'll never know will we?"

House called out to the room in general.

"Well, it's been swell, kids, but the swellings gone down!"

He marched over to the nurse's station, where Epiphany had just come on shift.

"You gonna miss me, you chocolate ray of sunshine?"

"You haven't left yet?"

"Just needed to do one more thing," he said heading around the nurse's station. Epiphany squared her shoulders and prepared some sass.

House grabbed Epiphany by the wrist, pulled her in close, dipped her in his arms and laid a hot, wet, sexy one on her.

After he released her, he whispered, "What do you think about white boys now?"

Epiphany just smiled and said, "Get out of here before I kick your lily, white tail."

"Can do," House said and headed for the exit.

He came across Spinelli at the hospital doors.

"The offer stands. Jersey or bust."

"No worries Derisive One, Stone Cold's got my back."

House took one last look at General Hospital, got into his cab and planned his revenge on Cuddy all the way back to New Jersey.

THE END