Omega note: Didn't update as soon as I wanted, but what're you gonna do, huh? That's life! About this fic, I made a continuity error (even though it's clear South Park themselves are known for harboring a lot of them, this one is important for a main character). I introduced Clyde Frog Jr. without realizing that Cartman was growing out of his affinity for stuffed animals in the episode 1%. As a result, I am replacing him, both in this chapter and the last, with a large action figure version of "Leon Kennedy" from the Resident Evil video games (not the upcoming movie because the movies suck ass {to me}). This second part chronicles Cartman's transformation into "Iron Ric" and how this affects the relationships around him. Please, read, review, and enjoy part 2!
In front of the town of South Park, an apparent press conference is underway. Mayor McDaniels and her two aides are on the podium while the other citizens of South Park (most of which the children) are sitting down waiting for what's supposed to happen to get started. A reporter is currently addressing this event.
"Tom, I'm standing in front of a press conference called by famous hippie-slayer, Eric Cartman, who has been missing for three days! Mr. Cartman has yet to appear, but the CFO of his company, Zachariah Chain is in attendance and is apparently waiting for—hold on a minute, Tom! Here he is right now!"
As the audience applauds, Cartman's kart-limo arrives on the scene and parks on the curb.
"Look at this!" Zachariah opens the backseat door before Cartman steps out and helps Brittany out of the car. Zachariah and Cartman man-hug before Stan steps out of the driver's seat with a KFC bag in his hand.
"Here, dude." Stan holds the bag up to Cartman.
"Thanks, Stan." Cartman takes out what's left of his chocolate pound cake from yesterday and begins to chow down.
"You and these cakes, man! Got one for me at least?" Zachariah jokes.
"Hmm, let me thin-no, sorry! This is my breakfast!" Cartman smirks.
Both boys walk up to the podium while Stan and Brittany remain in the back.
"Oh, there's Wendy! Gotta talk to her about the summerhouse!" Stan walks off to talk to his girlfriend.
"Ms. Brittany!" Kyle, now resembling Phil Coulson from the Iron man movies (minus the green hat he always wears), approaches Brittany. "Can I talk to you?"
"Hey, I know you! Aren't you one of Eric's friends?" Brittany recognizes Kyle.
"More than that, now." Kyle replies. "Kyle Broflovski! I'm an agent of the Stupid Hippie Incineration Enforcement and Lock-up Division!"
"God, that's a lot to say!" Brittany raises her eyebrows. "Who's in charge? Samuel L. Jackson?"
Kyle develops a surprised facial expression, but decides to get right to the point, "Listen, people are gonna be all over Cartman's ass about his getaway whether or not he answers questions and I've been told by my boss to keep that from happening!"
"How'd you guys find that out?"
"One of the co-pilots that found him was an inside agent, but that's not the point. You and I need to schedule a meeting to keep Fatass out of the line of fire when this whole thing is over. I'll talk to him myself later." Kyle hands Brittany a card.
"I will do that." Brittany agrees.
"Thank you! You've been very cooperative!" Kyle nods with a smile just as Stan walks back on the scene.
"Hey, Kyle! What happened to you last night? You bailed on me!" Stan notices Kyle's presence.
"Oh, you know! Spaced homework and all that crap." Kyle lies.
On the podium, Zachariah has just finished giving the opening speech and looks around until he finds Cartman sitting on the edge of the stage eating the last of his chocolate pound cake.
"Hey, I know most of the seats are for kids, but could everyone just squat down some? Please?" Cartman asks before all of the adults (and Zachariah, who sits next to Cartman on the edge of the stage) in attendance comply.
"Oh, good! I didn't miss it!" Token walks up next to Brittany.
"Token, what are you doing here?" Stan asks.
"Cartman called me up and told me stay back here." Token answers. "Said he needed to talk to me about something."
Cartman finishes the last of his pound cake. Everyone expects him to be emotional and subtle about what just happened to him, but to the contrary, "As of today, as result of finding out that the hippies got a hold of the weapons that I made to destroy them and keep you all safe, I am shutting down the weapons manufacturer known as Cartman Industries! And until I can decide what else I'm gonna do with this company, it's gonna freakin' stay that way!"
The reporters and civilians, including the children (that means Token, Brittany, Stan, and Kyle as well), are shocked and begin asking Cartman random questions. But rather than it be Cartman answering them, Zachariah does so instead while Stan and his (Cartman's) security team escort the overweight boy to his kart-limo.
"All right, everybody, if we could just settle down!" Zachariah starts. "What we need to understand is that Eric's back, but not in one piece due to what he's been through!"
At his clubhouse mansion, as if nothing ever happened, Cartman sits relaxed by his pool until Brittany arrives with Token.
"Ah, Token! Good to see you!" Cartman stands up and motions for Brittany to handle other business.
"You're in a pretty good mood after what just happened." Token states.
"Why wouldn't I be? I did it! Listen, Token. I broke off all ties with the military, but I still need a benefactor for what I have planned to end the hippies once and for all. I came to you because you're richer than even me and until I can find a lasting future for my company, I'd be taking a risk if I used any of my money to fund this attempt."
"I won't help you if this is only one-sided. Don't work like that."
"Oh, but of course! You'll get some steak out of this, too. When this attempt goes hot, I'll get started on a follow up just for you in the event my enemies become too much for me. But Token, let me ask you something? Be honest! Do you really wanna help me just to benefit yourself?"
"Huh?"
"I wouldn't have asked you of this if it weren't a matter of life and death. I'm doing this to make the world safer from potheads and guitar-fags. Make the country safer. South Park safer. For everyone. Including Lola."
Token's facial expression shifts to surprise upon hearing Lola's name.
"I've seen the way you look at her in class ever since you two got paired up for that egg-parent assignment. Other kids don't notice it, but I do. By helping me, you'd be able to keep her safe just as easily as I would with or without what I'm about to attempt. She might like guys into literature, but like all girls, she likes a guy who gives his time to help others. Think of it, Token. You aid me in this one task, a chain of events will set off and will ultimately lead you to act heroic in front of Lola's eyes. And before you know it, you'll get to learn firsthand if whether or not she's a screamer when she's screaming your name in your bedroom once a week."
Token looks at Cartman emotionless, but is obviously pondering on what the latter was telling him.
Later on that day, Cartman is seen in his workshop constructing two silver high-tech jet boots, implying that Token has agreed to become a part of Cartman's objective. "Watching" Cartman work is his action figure Leon, who is "sitting" on the desk next to a rectangular display case with a circular "Anti-hippie device" (really a powdered donut) inside.
"Trust me, Leon. If there was another way, would've found it." Cartman tells his action figure as he continues to work. He places a piece of glowing energy in each boots' heel before they internally glow blue.
Seconds later, Cartman places the boots on a chrome platform before, with the aid of high-tech arms, they are fused with mechanical legs, a torso, abdomen, arms, and finally, a helmet that would cover the wearer's entire head and face. Contrary to Cartman's own physique, the suit looks as if it could fit on a very muscular child and would potentially feel uncomfortable for someone like Cartman.
"Computer, scan the suit and run a simulation on its flight capabilities." Just then, complying to Cartman's command, the suit is scanned by a blue light before a projection-like screen appears in the air to show Cartman's suit successfully flying over tall buildings in cities and carefully low through the streets of South Park itself. The projection disappears with Cartman excitedly exclaiming, "Sweet! Now for the paint job! Red and gold, computer! Leon! Let's see what's on the tube!"
The platform the suit is on suddenly descends further into the floor for an apparent paint job just as Cartman grabs the remote to his flatscreen TV and turns it on to find a female reporter (celebrity news personality Giuliana Rancic) talking about him while standing in front of the grand opening of a kid's only nightclub called "TAFFY", which, oddly, looked like a celebrity red carpet event.
"It is considered the most exciting event for the children of Cherry Creek, as all of the astute and/or wealthy children in and near the area are in attendance! All except one Eric Cartman!" Giuliana reports. "Surfaced rumors state that the 10-year-old boy is suffering from posttraumatic stress and crying to his mother at this very moment! Whatever the case may be, no one expects him to show up tonight and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing all the way in Colorado in the first place!"
Cartman turns off the TV and turns to Leon, "You know me too well, Leon! Anyway, while I'm gone, I need you to draw up plans for Token's suit! He did, after all, help us come one step closer having the nuts of every goddamn hippie left in the nation! Later, dude!"
In a go-kart version of a Mercedes Benz, Cartman drives all the way out to Cherry Creek to the grand opening of TAFFY, where many well-dressed kids no older than twelve are seen talking both inside and outside of the building. Already present is Zachariah, who is speaking with a reporter on Cartman Industries until he is interrupted by many squealing girls; that are obviously excited to see Cartman (once again in his black suit)! Noticing Zachariah, he walks up to him.
"First time I crashed a party that wasn't mine or yours!" Cartman smirks.
"Well, look at you!" Zachariah smirks back. "Thought you would've laid low!"
"Huh! Thought you knew me better than Leon?" Cartman slaps Zachariah on the back before he enters the club, which, despite its miniature size on the outside, is just as large and identical as any adult nightclub. However, though, nothing appears to be happening just yet. Cartman immediately goes to the bar table and pulls out five dollars.
"Extra-Caffeinated Cherry Coke, my good sir!" Cartman hands the money to the bartender before the latter gives the former what he wants in a martini-glass. Before he takes a sip, he notices Kyle standing next to and looking right at him.
"Kyle?" Cartman raises his eyebrow surprised. "You heard about this place, too?"
"Part of my assignment, Cartman. I'm with the Stupid Hippie Incineration Enforcement and Lock-up Division." Kyle replies and stares at Cartman with a stern facial expression, expecting him to say something mean about what he just said. Cartman simply snickers, "That's a long-ass name, man!"
"Hmm, funny. Thought you would've been a dumb-ass and said something like "Jews can't be secret agents" or whatever." Kyle utters in slight shock.
"Close!" Cartman takes a sip of his soda. "I was actually thinking "Wow! This Jew had a change of heart after one day!" Lemme guess? They filled you in on everything about the hippies' disastrous activities the past few years using advanced tech?"
"Damn right, but I'm here to talk to you about your getaway from The Ten Drums. My superior told me to tell you we need to meet up and make a cover story for you and kill all these rumors about you crying to your mom like a little bitch."
As Cartman listens to every word said by Kyle, he looks forward and sees Brittany with her hair down and wearing a blue backless dress as she speaks with some other well-dressed kids (just like Pepper Potts). Aroused, he drowns out the rest of what Kyle is saying to him.
"Know something, Kyle? You're a real pal. I'm gonna go talk to my assistant and tell her how much of a pal you are to me." Cartman and Kyle shake hands before the former walks up to Brittany and the kids she talked to walk away. "Huh, I should pay you to be sexy at work."
"You! What-what're you doing here?" Brittany asks Cartman surprised.
"This reporter chick said astute and/or wealthy kids in the area were attending so I took that as a "Fuck laying low and go have fun!" Wanna dance?" Cartman asks immediately after music starts blaring in the club.
"Oh, no." Brittany replies frightened, feeling very uncomfortable with dancing with her "boss".
"Knew you wanted to." Cartman takes the obviously unwilling Brittany by the hand and walks her to the dance floor as Kyle looks on and drinks what's left of Cartman's soda.
On the dance floor, though Cartman is as nervous as Brittany is, the two hide this mutual feeling while doing a lengthy and rather sensual dance. Before too long, Cartman, his nervousness now displaying, breaks off the dance, "Wanna get some air?"
"Better. I want a drink. A sprite with lots of sugarcubes. Like…three sugarcubes." Brittany asks as Cartman walks off to grant her request at the bar table, where Kyle has already left.
"Me again. Two sprites. Mix one of them with cherry coke and the other with three sugarcubes." Cartman frantically asks, not noticing Jenny (dressed up like Christine Everhart in a similar scene from Iron man) walking up to him. Once Cartman receives both of the drinks, he immediately grabs and sips the one with cherry coke.
"Wow, Eric Cartman. Weird seeing you here." Jenny utters sarcastically, apparently a little icy about something.
"Oh, Jen." Cartman faces Jenny.
"You've got some balls showing your face around here." Jenny folds her arms.
"What I can't have a good time after being caught by the enemy for a few days?" Cartman sneers.
"Not what I was saying. I'm talking about your company's dip in the disgust pool lately!" Jenny's tone escalates to animosity.
"I'll get started on fixing everything when I deal with other business." Cartman shrugs her off with an annoyed tone in his voice.
"Again, not what I was saying. Should've known you didn't change even if you did almost get killed!" Jenny snarls.
"Hey! Go be a bitch somewhere else!" Cartman explodes, prompting Jenny to slap his drink out of his hand and reply, "Look at these pictures!"
Jenny hands Cartman five pictures depicting hippies terrorizing a large group of young people in the Nevada desert. Looking closer, he notices that despite destroying his weapons earlier, the hippies now have new, identical ones. Cartman looks through each of them in horror and shock and asks, "When?"
"After the press conference." Jenny answers.
"Clearly I didn't approve of this if I said that I'm shutting down the company." Cartman realizes.
"You trying to convince me or you?" Jenny argues.
"Like I give seven shits about what you think." Cartman retorts. "I believe I said "go be a bitch somewhere else", Jen. Now, do it!"
Cartman walks away from Jenny, only to have her angrily follow him for reasons unknown.
Just outside of the nightclub, Cartman confronts Zachariah about the company's apparent double-dealing.
"Did you know about this?" Cartman shows Zachariah the pictures given to him by Jenny, who is standing behind them both.
"Well…yeah, but we've got people looking into it." Zachariah answers.
"Zach, the only people permitted to release the weapons I make other than me are Leon and you!" Cartman reminds.
"Eric, you can't expect to be this naïve and not take a hit from the consequences-" Zachariah explains.
"I told you I shut down the company because I don't want equal deaths on both sides!" Cartman interrupts. "Tell me truth. Do you know who's doing this?"
Zachariah simply smirks and motions for he and Cartman to face the people for a picture. He whispers to Cartman, "Eric, I think you forgot the Board has a hand in all this, too. I told them that if I continue shipping the weapons, with or without you, they'd think about keeping you on as CEO. It was the best I could do to get them off your ass. For a little bit anyway!"
Zachariah slaps Cartman's back before he walks into the nightclub, leaving Cartman to glare at him angrily. Not just because he went against what he said, but also because he believes he is hiding something. He retains his angry facial expression to the point where he doesn't even notice Jenny walking back into the nightclub as well.
In the basement of his clubhouse mansion the following morning, Cartman, now wearing both of the red power gauntlets of his suit, is preparing to fire at four live-action pictures of real hippies poorly taped to four white mannequins. Simultaneously, Leon is "watching" the same reporter from earlier on speak of another hippie-related incident in the Nevada Desert.
"Yes indeed, Tom! It appears as though the body count started by the hippies is well passed 22 courtesy of a newfound power!" The reporter continues. "It would appear as if most of the people they caught were travelers on their way to Sin City, but were fatefully ensnared by the group of LSD-drinking dicks and forced to either join their militia or take a weed-fueled blow to the back of the head! There appears to be no hope for these innocent civilians who've been desperately asking for help for more than a day."
Hearing every word and becoming increasingly enraged, Cartman fires one powerful energy blast at one of the middle mannequins and utterly destroys it!
"Whoa. Heh. Heh." Cartman chuckles, impressed with his work. Prompting this, he consecutively fires at the other three mannequins and utterly destroys them as well. As dramatic music begins to play in the background, Cartman makes his way over to the platform his suit is under before various mechanical arms begin to place parts of the suit on the boy.
"Ow! Hey! Ow! Son of a bitch!" He exclaims as the suit parts are forced roughly on him due to his fat physique! "OW! OH, GOD DAMMIT!" The helmet-head painfully snaps on Cartman's own head, completing the lengthy suit-up montage! Moments later, the suited Cartman flies through the sky, intent on exterminating the hippies in the Nevada desert!
In said place, a weed-fueled version of Cartman's Fineso strikes the main road and forces three more civilian vehicles off! Immediately after, four hippies, armed with acid-bullet machine guns, dash towards one of the vehicles!
"Out of the car, Ikemen! Heh! Heh!" One of the hippies demand menacingly and obviously stoned.
The civilians instantly jump out of the car and just as quickly are dragged off into the desert by the hippies! They are thrown into the other dozens of civilians, who are either backing away or cringing their family members tightly in fear!
"You evil monsters!" A woman yells hysterically at Moosewater, who now has a scar on the right side of his face as a result of his confrontation with Cartman.
"Leave our children alone, you bastards!" a man cringed his son frightened.
"Your kids are going in a training camp to be more like us, man!" Moosewater drinks some acid. "That way, whether you're dead or not, he'll have a future!"
"Moosewater, dude! Caught this meat-eating bastard trying to manhandle Jacob!" Two stoned hippies drag a bruised man over to Moosewater, who simply sneers, "Waste him!"
"Daddy, no!" a little boy exclaims in concern for his father!
"Say "good night", Ikeman!" One of the stoned hippies throws the man to the ground and points his gun at him, preparing to pull the trigger!
"DADDY!" The little boy screams again, but immediately afterwards, his attention goes to the sky when he hears an approaching, rumbling noise. In a fashion identical to Tony's arrival in his first suit, Cartman lands feet first in the desert, ready to slaughter the hippies that are putting everyone in harm's way!
One hippie foolishly shoots at Cartman with his pot-fueled machine gun until the latter kicks him in the groin and punches him over a plateau! Consecutively, three groups of oncoming hippies (excluding Moosewater) fire at Cartman, who shakes his head in annoyance. Cartman creates a ball of energy in his left hand and tosses it like a bowling ball at one of the groups before they are sent flying as a result of the impact. Cartman repeats the feat a second time with another oncoming group, but uses his right hand this time. He once again consummates this attack to fend off the last group, but utilizes both of his hands!
"Had enough, assholes?" Cartman threateningly asks, his voice distorted so that no one could have a clue who he really is (he hopes).
"Hey, Iron Ikeman!" A hippie forces Cartman to turn around to see that the former and five other hippies holding a family of six at gunpoint, forcing Cartman, who has planned to fire at them again, to lower his hands.
As the hippies laugh triumphantly, Cartman discreetly uses his suit to target each of the hippies and carefully avoid the civilians before he, in complete defiance of natural law, uses both hands to fire one big energy blast that breaks off into six smaller blasts of energy and silences the giggling stoners with impacts to the face!
"Think nothing of what happened here." Cartman tells the relieved captives with a heroic tone before he takes to the skies.
"Who is that, daddy?" The screaming boy and his mother and sister run up to the man that was nearly killed.
"To tell you the truth, son, not sure! Though, to me, he kind of looks like a…"Ric"!"
"Rick?" The woman repeats.
"No, honey, "Ric"! No K!" The man corrects.
"That's ridiculous. He's wearing a suit! how can he look like anythi-"
"Don't question me! I'm the man of this family, bitch!" The man barks at his wife.
From the sky, Cartman spots two Fineso missiles. He swoops in, grabs them both, heads back to the sky, and after watching another large group of hippies dash out of a rocky cave, tosses both of the missiles in the middle of the area and destroys them with one more energy blast. The explosion creates a shockwave powerful enough to knock the hippies unconscious and send them all flying in all directions! Cartman abandons the scene, but not before Moosewater, who was hiding the entire time, takes a picture of him and the screen goes dark.
Later on that day, in his own clubhouse-mansion, Zachariah is angrily watching the news concerning the incident in the Nevada desert, knowing very well that it was Cartman that had a hand in this.
"Yes indeed, Tom but the rescue itself isn't the story, per se!" The reporter continues. "The civilians stated that they were rescued by a diminutive knight in high-tech shining armor! One civilian in particular actually had a name for this here knight."
The screaming boy and his sister are waving at the camera as their father (who came up with Cartman's name) speak into the reporter's camera, "As funny as it sounds, he looked a lot like a "Ric" to me! And that's with no "K"!"
"Sweetheart, it just doesn't make sense!" The woman tells her husband yet again. "You don't really know what he looks like! How can-"
"You dare correct me on national television, bitch?" The man growls at his wife, humiliating his two children. "That tears it! Tonight, you'll get…rough anal punishment!"
"No, please! Not that!" The man throws his wife over his shoulder and walks away from the reporter's camera as his mortified children follow.
Zachariah's cell rings and he answers it without realizing who it is, "Mom, I told you I ate already!"
"Got something for you to look at…mama's boy!" Moosewater smirks on the other end.
Half an hour later, Zachariah and his just-as-young young security guards meet up with Moosewater and what remains of his militia on the outskirts of Denver. Zachariah notices the scar on Moosewater's face.
"Courtesy of fat little Ikeman, Eric Cartman." Moosewater explains.
"If you wasted him instead of trying to make a slave out of him, you'd still be pretty." Zachariah reprimands with a smile.
"I wanted to see if he wasn't a poser like the government guys."
"What'd you bring me out here for?"
Moosewater shows Zachariah the picture of the suited-up Cartman, much to the latter's interest.
"Makes me wonder how he could fit in there with his big fat ass." Zachariah takes the photograph. "More importantly, how could he make it and use it in a short while?"
"Guys like Cartman have unlimited resources." Moosewater smokes some more weed. "Man, if I had like 20 of these freakin' things, the government will start workin' for me. Tell you what kiddo! Since I gave you the idea of a lifetime, we can rework our business relationship. You make however many suits you want and take back your corporation so long as you don't hurt a hair on the environment…and you give me 10% of whatever you make so I can polish off what's left of the man!"
"That deal sounds kind of one-sided." Zachariah replies.
"No, it's pretty fair to me." Moosewater throws his cigarette to the side. "You paid us crap to get rid of the Prince of Ikemen."
"Hmm…good thing you're not too high to hear this!" Zachariah suddenly takes out a palm-sized device, which emits extremely loud death metal music that paralyzed all of the hippies in the area while Zachariah himself and his guards remain unharmed. Blood pours out of the hippies' ears, eyes, and noses, much to their pain.
"One thing I have to say about Eric, he really knows what he's doing. Always." Zachariah looks at the picture of the suited-up Cartman one more time before he orders his guards, "Blow these cocksuckers to Hell and let's go."
As Zachariah steps back into his kart-limo, his guards splash water on the hippies and shoot at them with electric guns! In his limo, Zachariah speaks into his phone, "Yeah, we were both right. It was him, but more than one can play this game. Send it all over so I can start a prototype ASAP. But I might need three more engineers and a buttload of chocolate bars for energy. And can one of the engineers be a Hispanic girl? 'Cause Hispanic girls have hooters and asses that can motivate faster!"
In his workshop/basement, not knowing that a shocked Brittany is watching him as she walks down the stairs to enter the workshop, the mechanical arms are removing Cartman's armor piece by piece as he walks over to his desk. Brittany is obviously surprised at the fact that her own "boss" is the diminutive iron knight everyone's been talking about.
"Hurry up with the maximum-level recharge, computer!" Cartman orders. "Gotta get ready for a second trip! Leon, did you record the "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire Uncut version" like I asked?"
"Second trip?" Brittany reiterates with a concerned tone, letting Cartman know that she knows (also because he sees the last of his suit's parts disappearing into the floor).
"Well, at least you saw me taking off a suit without getting something on like I did with Jenny and all those other chicks!" Cartman brushes off nonchalantly.
"Second trip?" Brittany repeats with a stern tone.
"Glad you're here, Britt. Need you to run an errand." Cartman again dodges Brittany's question and hands her a flash drive. "Go to my office computer and download all knowledge about the latest shipments of my weapons down to the nearest sources. Zach's not telling me the truth about whose been dealing under the table, so I gotta take matters into my own hands."
"And what does that mean? And please answer me this time!" Brittany demands.
"I'm gonna take out all my weapons, shipped or being shipped, and do the same to the source. Then, I'm gonna find the stupid assholes who went against what I said and rip their balls off! From there…I'll think about it when I get there."
"Eric, as much as I respect and care about you, I won't help you if you're gonna go out there and play everyone's iron beacon of hope or whatever!"
"For about a year, you stood by my side and watched me reap the benefits of destruction. And now when I decide to truly help the people I put in harm's way, you're gonna rebel against me?"
"You're going to kill yourself, Eric! I can't be a part of it!"
"You act like I asked for this life. You have no idea how many close calls I've encountered with not just hippies, but death itself. I've always been a dick, Brittany. And with every close call out there that I encountered because of it, I wonder…what should I do? This time…I know. And the other thing I know…is that what I'm doing…is right."
Brittany, nearly tearfully, sighs, "You're all I have, you know. I mean, there is my sister, but she's a total whore."
"So I heard."
In Cartman's office later on that day, Brittany plugs in her "boss'" flash drive in his laptop and begins downloading shipment files with her abnormally quick typing skills. In the process, she finds an apparent private file with Zachariah's name on it and remembers Cartman saying something about him (Zachariah) not telling him (Cartman) the truth about whose been dealing under the table. She clicks on the file and sees two more envelopes as she utters, "Project Iron-Chain? Operation CEO? What are you up to, Zachariah?"
She clicks on the "Project Iron-Chain" envelop and sees the blueprints of his own suit, one much larger than Cartman's. She exits the envelop and clicks on the Operation CEO envelop and gasps in horror with what she sees. She sees six pictures depicting the Ten Drums attacking Cartman's Humvee some days ago, Cartman himself trying escape on foot, a weed-powered missile blowing up in his face and sending him flying over to a rock, and finally, him being carried off by the hippies! She completes the download, rips out the flash drive, and frantically power-walks towards the doors, intent on telling Cartman about Zachariah's treachery. But to her surprise,
"Oh, uh, Zachariah!" Brittany bumps into him as she tries to walk out.
"Brittany? What are you doing here?" Zachariah asks surprised.
"Oh, just downloading some music for Eric!" She lies nervously. "His computer got screwed up from all the projects he's doing so now he's got me going out of my way to…find him some music!"
"Hope Eric doesn't take advantage of you!" Zachariah smiles. "He's lucky to have you in his clubhouse at all!"
"Ain't that the truth? Heh! Heh! Well, better get back to him before he cuts my money down…again! See ya!" Brittany power-walks passed Zachariah, who replies, "Take care!"
With Brittany out of his sight, Zachariah dashes over to the laptop, noticing the pattern in Brittany's strange behavior. Much to his frustration and anger, he realizes that Brittany has downloaded both of the files incriminating his involvement in Cartman's misfortunes. He sprints out of the office to see if it's not too late to stop her, but sees that she has already reached the security-infested downstairs lobby, where Kyle is seen sitting on a bench frowning at Brittany.
"Brittany, I expected the fatass to forget about our meeting, but not you!" Kyle sternly reminds her. "If you needed to reschedule, all you had to do was-"
"No rescheduling! Let's have our meeting, now!" Brittany anxiously tells the Jewish child.
"Right now?" Kyle asks surprised.
"Yep! Walk with me!" Brittany grabs Kyle's right hand and continues as they walk, "You and I are going to have the juiciest meeting you've ever had!"
In the basement of Cartman Industries, Zachariah barges in as his three engineers (one of them a pretty Hispanic girl around the same age as most children in South Park) continue to work on his suit, which heavily mirrors the blueprints they are based on. As the Hispanic girl walks by Zachariah, the latter stares at her rear-end before his attention goes to his nerdy head engineer.
"Well, Mr. Chain, it was more challenging than anything I've ever made, but you made it easier! Urp!" The nerdy engineer burps.
"Just didn't want any hiccups!" Zachariah replies.
"Now, because this is just the prototype, it has limits. Urp!" The nerdy engineer explains. "But in just several hours, you'll have access to weapons that not even Eric Cartman would dream of. Urp!"
"That's because he doesn't have to dream, Willy! He never did, and never will." Zachariah remarks, a slight of menace in his tone.
"But, we can't begin mass production on this suit until you tell us if whether or not you've had a successful trial! Urp!" Willy further explains. "Anything you can do for hours until then? Urp!"
"Yeah! Loose-end tie-ups!" Zachariah sneers sinisterly away from Willy.
In his clubhouse-mansion's living room, Cartman sits on his couch and is about to turn on his TV until his cell phone on the couch rings. He develops a suspicious facial expression when he realizes it's Brittany, who should've been back with his flash drive some time ago. He answers it as Brittany starts, "Eric?"
But before he could respond, Zachariah, wearing protective high-tech earpieces, paralyzes him from behind with a palm-sized sound device identical to the one he used on the murdered Moosewater, but plays groove music (obviously a hippie weapon) instead of death metal! And as with the hippies, blood pours out of Cartman's eyes, nose, and ears! Zachariah hangs up Cartman's phone after Brittany calls the obese child's name twice and he slowly rested his (Cartman's) head on the back of his couch.
"Easy. Easy." Zachariah removes his earpieces and shows Cartman the device he used on him. "You remember this don't you? Sucks ass that the government didn't approve of it though. Would've thought that with the hippies getting more vicious they'd have a change of heart. I gotta say, Eric! When I paid to have you wasted, I worried about what that would lead to. But, I think we both know that fate had one more thing to get out of you!" Zachariah shows Cartman the picture Moosewater took of him.
Cartman remains paralyzed externally, but internally he is angry, vengeful, and disgusted with the fact that he's been backstabbed by one of the people he considered a friend.
"This, Eric, is your ninth symphony." Zachariah gloats. "With a weapon like this, we'd do more than blow the balls off of hippies. By we, I mean "me" when I get back what you bought from me. If you weren't stiff right now, I'd show you my prototype. It's pretty badass. Now here! A fudge gift baked with extra strong stonage!"
Zachariah forces a pot-brownie down Cartman's throat, causing him to grunt and gag, but alas, not to move!
"Well, I better get lost! Not just 'cause I put a bomb in the oven, but also 'cause I gotta deal with Brittany. Such a waste of a perfectly good ass." Zachariah's walks out of Cartman's house, leaving Cartman himself to die!
In his expensive silver kart-Porsche, Token is driving on the street and past numerous cars as he speaks with Brittany on his phone, "Say what? He paid to have Eric killed? Slow down, Brittany! What is it you want me to do?"
In the Cartman Industries basement, Brittany is leading Kyle and four other agents, all adults, to the mysterious "Project Iron-Chain" created by the traitorous Zachariah. She continues on the phone concerned, "He didn't pick up when I called and I know Zachariah has something to do with that. Can you please just stop by the clubhouse and see if he's alright? Thank you, Token. This way, guys!"
Token makes an "illegal" U-turn on the street and headed in the direction of Cartman's clubhouse-mansion.
Though no longer paralyzed, Cartman, now in pain, sweating, and "dying" from a product made by his enemies, struggles to walk down the stairs leading to his basement-workshop and stumbles down them as a result! He then spots the only thing that can possibly save his life; his "Anti-hippie device" (powdered donut), which remains next to Leon on the desk. Cartman crawls as fast as he can to the desk and uses a stool as leverage to get his donut, but unfortunately, he still can't reach the display case and the pain becomes so great, that he falls off of the stool and against the desk. He is ready to just accept the fact that this is one close call he isn't going to have until, suddenly, his Leon action figure and the display case donut fell into his lap! Surprised, he looks at Leon as if he saved his life.
"I owe you big time this time, pal." Cartman mutters in agony before he shatters the display case and reaches for his donut.
In a private room in the company basement, in a lengthy scene, Zachariah is removing the cables from his operational suit's back, anxious to begin its "first trial". He marvels at it in arrogance.
At the clubhouse-mansion, Token is looking around the living room for Cartman, not realizing that there is a bomb somewhere in the mansion that could detonate at any point in time.
"Eric! Eric! Eric!" Token walks down the workshop basement stairs and stops in horror when he sees Cartman, alive but still in bad shape, lying on the floor. "Eric! Eric, what happened?"
Token grabs Cartman, now with white powder around his mouth, who in turn grabs Token and asks him worried, "Where's Brittany?"
"She's with Kyle and some other agents that aren't Jewish. They're about to arrest Zachariah." Token explains. "Did you just eat a powdered donut?"
"Oh, weak! That's not gonna be enough to stop him!" Cartman realizes, ignoring Token's question.
"We better get going then!" Token helps Cartman up.
"Not yet!" Cartman stops Token from going up the stairs. "There's a bomb up-!"
Right when Cartman says it, his entire clubhouse-mansion is destroyed in a catastrophic, fiery explosion with his basement being the only thing surviving!
"Wow! Talk about reverse eviction!" Token looks around in shock.
"I'll buy another house later! Follow me, Token!" Cartman and Token, despite the traumatic explosion on the surface, continue on like nothing ever happened!
In the company's basement, "That's it! Right there!" Brittany points to a yellow door that read, "Project Iron-Chain" She is about to try and pick the lock with a bobby-pin, but Kyle, who receives a small, marble-like device from one of the other agents, stops her and warns, "Might wanna back away some."
She does just that as Kyle places the device on the door's lock before it blows it to smithereens just as Zachariah steps into his suit.
Speaking of suits, Cartman is getting back into his own while Token exclaims impressed, "That's pretty fucking cool! And I could've bought something like that a long time ago?"
"Had to think of it first! Now, let's get going!" Cartman walks over to the middle of the basement, "Oh and by the way, Token…that one's yours!" and flies off into the sky to stop Zachariah and save Brittany, leaving Token in the wreckage.
"Damn!" Token exclaims before his attention went to another suit that resembles a muscular child, but this one is silver. "Next time, baby!" Token gets into his kart and drives off to assist Cartman.
In the "Project Iron-Chain" room, Zachariah and his suit have already disappeared, leaving only a dark, empty room behind. Brittany, so that they could protect her, remains behind Kyle and his agents as they investigate the room, pointing their guns out to prepare for the worst. Kyle jumps over a rail as one of his agents follow him, intent on covering him should they run into chaos.
"You said he was building a suit?" Kyle yells to Brittany.
"Yeah, but, if it's as big as the blueprints said it was going to be, then it should be here!" Brittany explains. "I mean, something that huge can't just…"
Brittany suddenly ceases talking when she hears a slight whirring noise behind her. She turns around and sees, to her horror, the suited-up Zachariah step out of the shadows and reach for her in a fashion similar to a psychotic robot! She screams and makes a run for the door, attracting the attention of Kyle and his agents.
"Holy shit! Waste him! Waste him!" Kyle and his agents fire at Zachariah, but their bullets bounce off. Three of Kyle's agents are killed when Zachariah slams his arm down while the other one is knocked against the wall. Kyle manages to dodge the next slam until Zachariah's attention goes to Brittany, who continues running even when he unsuccessfully shoots at her with energy guns!
Brittany successfully makes it to the surface just outside of the company, where she is contacted by Cartman via cell phone, "Eric? Are you okay?"
"I'll live! Listen, you got to get out of the building right now!"
"You know about Zachariah?"
"Yeah, that's why you gotta bail! I'm on my way there to deal with him!"
"He attacked Kyle and his men! I don't know if they're-"
Brittany is interrupted when Zachariah suddenly bursts through the ground and menacingly glares at Brittany, still intent on killing her! He points his energy machine gun at her, "As Eric used to say…"Burn in hell, ginger!"
"HEY, BALDY!" Cartman flies down and, courtesy of his suit, manages to deflect all of Zachariah's bullets while tackling him, strangely, in the air, forcing them both to fly over all of the buildings in the area; leaving Brittany behind.
"Brittany!" Token suddenly arrives in his kart-Porsche with Stan riding shotgun!
"Token!" Brittany dashes over to the two boys relieved.
"You all right?" Stan asks.
"Guys, Eric-"
"Is gonna need help whether he knows it or not!" Kyle, dirty but not injured, joins the other kids along with the one agent that wasn't killed, but injured. "We gotta follow him!"
"Token's Porsche isn't big enough! Let's get on that truck over there!" Stan points to a large, trailer-less truck before all of the kids jump in and the adult agent hot-wires the truck and drives off to assist Cartman.
The two suited kids finally land in the middle of the street, where they fight and in the process, create a large pile-up! Cartman lands a blow to Zachariah's left cheek before the latter tackles the former to the ground and begins to land blows to his (Cartman's) arms, which are protecting his face from major impacts. Cartman gets out from under Zachariah and double-punches him in the right cheek. Zachariah attempts to respond with a sucker-punch, but Cartman ducks and strikes him in the back!
"THAT WAS FOR MY CLUBHOUSE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Cartman ducks Zachariah's next swing and punches him down before he knee-kicks him in the face! "AND THAT WAS FOR USING THAT REDHEAD-BASHING SLUR AGAINST BRITTANY BY CALLING HER A GINGER!"
Zachariah swings again, but Cartman grabs his arm and flips him over his shoulder while also yelling, "GIVE IT UP! YOUR PROTOTYPE MIGHT BE BIG ON WEAPONS, BUT YOU'RE TOO BIG AND SLOW TO CATCH UP WITH ME IN A FIGHT, YOU HIPPIE-LOVING DICK!"
"You'd know a lot about being big wouldn't you, you fat pile of shit?" Zachariah picks up a car with little effort!
"Hey! Don't call me "fat", you son of a bit-AGH!" Cartman is knocked across the street and against a city bus, forcing it to tip over and the people inside to bust out of the windows and run out screaming! "Oh, god dammit!"
Stan and the others arrive in time to see Zachariah pick Cartman up by the neck and roar, "YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT WHEN YOU BOUGHT MY COMPANY AND EXCELLED AT EVERYTHING I EVER DID! THEN YOU HAD THE NERVE TO DEMOTE ME TO CFO INSTEAD OF GOING WITH A FIFTY-FIFTY DEAL! THAT COMPANY BELONGS TO ME! I WILL MAKE WEAPONS AGAIN! AND NO ONE'S GONNA GET IN MY WAY! NOT SOME SECRET AGENTS! NOT THE HIPPIES! AND SURE AS HELL, NOT YOU!"
Zachariah choke-slams Cartman into the bus and creates a massive ball of energy (similar to his Cartman's own) and utterly destroys the bus in a massive explosion, but only succeeded in forcing Cartman out of the bus to float in the air!
"OH, YOU WANNA PLAY IN THE AIR, HUH? ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK!" Zachariah flies up into the sky after Cartman, who looks in the direction of and directly at Mount Parkerstone and flies towards it with Zachariah in pursuit!
"Looks like they're headed for the volcano!" Kyle points out. "We gotta get to a faster vehicle if we wanna catch up with them!"
"There! 70's Charger!" Token points at a nearby vehicle.
The group jumps out of the truck and forces the driver out of the car before they all get in and ride off at maximum speed towards Mount Parkerstone!
In the night sky, Zachariah continues to chase Cartman to the volcano. Once the boys are over the volcano, Cartman flies just inside while Zachariah stays outside and decides to fire another massive ball of energy at the back-turned Cartman. But to the bald-headed child's surprise, Cartman sees this and kicks the energy back over to Zachariah like a soccer ball! Thinking quickly though, Zachariah destroys the ball of energy with a clap!
"Is that all you—AGGH!" Zachariah is hit in the face by Cartman's own energy ball and accidentally flies right past Cartman and into the volcano before he begins to fall towards the lava!
"SEE YA, FAG!" Cartman flies out of the volcano and lands safely on the ground. He contacts Brittany, "Britt!"
Just a mile away from the volcano, Brittany replies back worried, "Eric! I'm almost there! We're almost there! What's happening?"
"Let's just say Zach's never been as tough as he-"
"NICE TRY, FAT-TITS!" To Cartman's surprise, Zachariah lands right behind him, showing that he has escaped just before hitting the lava. Zachariah swings at Cartman, but he ducks to avoid this.
"Hey! I swear if you call me "fat" one more time, I'll-" Cartman is punched down the hill by Zachariah, but nevertheless gets right back up to deliver a powerful blow to his right cheek!
Subsequently, Zachariah attempts to kill Cartman by squeezing the life out of him, but only succeeds in limiting his use of his energy blasts, according to his computer.
It looks as if Cartman is finished, but just then, he charges what's left of his energy blasts into both of his hands and strikes his enemy on both sides of his head, causing a major flash within the head of his suit and forcing him to release Cartman!
Zachariah groans, "Very clever, Eric." Before he looks around and sees that Cartman has escaped from his sight. As he continues to look around, Cartman, his suit now beat up and damaged, hides behind a tall rock just a mile away from Zachariah. Suddenly, when a hand touches Cartman's shoulder, he whips around and grabs the person's neck!
"Piss off, butthole!" Cartman dismisses the person, only realizing who it is seconds after he turns his head. It is Kyle and the others.
"Chill, fat boy! It's us! We're here to help!" Kyle tells Cartman choked before the latter swiftly removes his arm. Kyle shows Cartman two handfuls of marvel-like mini-bombs, just like the one he used earlier.
"Damn, dude! What did he do to you?" Stan notices the damage Cartman has been taking.
"Nothing compared to what's gonna happen to him!" Cartman explains, "I can't take 'im out with my suit! That's why I went to that volcano! It's the only thing around that can murder his suit! But he isn't gonna fall for my bullcrap a second time!"
"What's the plan?" Token asks.
"These mini-bombs that Kyle has look like they're strong enough to destroy three three-story houses each if increased to their full potential!" Cartman explains. "If you guys can put them all around the volcano while I stall Zach and lure him above it again, then in just a minute, they'll all create an explosion big enough to force an eruption! And if lava won't toast that bastard, nothing will!"
"Do you know how fucking retarded you sound?" Kyle stares at Cartman in disbelief. "You can't simulate a volcanic eruption by blowing shit up, Cartman! Magma's not even just in the volcano! It's a part of the Earth's crust! You gotta shake the whole area to make that thing blow, not just the mountain! Use your head!"
"I am!" Cartman argues back. "But if you've got a better idea, then I'm more than willing to give you my suit!"
"C'mon, Kyle! I don't see us with much of a choice!" Brittany reasons.
"Yeah, dude! Lives are already at stake! We can't waste anymore time!" Stan adds.
"All right, fine! But I'm telling you this is a waste of time!" Kyle holds out his hands. "All of you take at least four! That thing is massive!"
"I'm gonna go get his attention!" Cartman dispatches from the group.
"ERIC, YOU LITTLE PUSSY! COME OUT AND TAKE YOUR-" Zachariah is interrupted when Cartman suddenly flies behind his back and kicks him in the back of the head while in mid-air!
"YOU'RE THE FUCKING PUSSY, ZACH! A PUSSY THAT SUCKS BALLS!" Cartman taunts before he flies above the volcano with the angry Zachariah right behind him!
While the two suited boys continue to fight, Kyle, Stan, Brittany, Token, and Kyle's assisting agent run all around the volcano and place their miniature explosives everywhere there's room at the base. They regroup to watch the ongoing fight between Cartman and Zachariah just above the volcano! After one more punch, Cartman notices everyone just standing a mile away looking at him, essentially telling him that they did what he asked.
"GET OUT OF HERE, GUYS!" Cartman yells to them, failing to see Zachariah fly towards him and defend against a punch that sends him crashing further into the volcano. He manages, however, to keep himself from falling further in by punching a hole through the rocky surface!
"ERIC!" Brittany screams in concern, Stan and Token holding her back so she won't get caught in the soon-to-occur explosions.
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A THING, ERIC!" Zachariah charges another huge ball of energy in his hands, intent on hitting Cartman with it and forcing him down into the lava! "I'LL STILL CLEANSE THE NATION AND MAYBE EVEN THE WORLD OF HIPPIES EVEN WHILE YOU'RE GONE! JUST NOT BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS, A CERTAIN GINGER, AND LEON! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT…FATSO?"
Cartman turns his head slightly to face Zachariah (within his suit, we can see a sneer on his face), "BURN IN HELL, ASSHOLE!"
Just then, the explosives all around the volcano go off and create a shockwave so huge that, contradicting Kyle's theory, causes the lava to rise quickly towards both Cartman and Zachariah!
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Zachariah, still holding his ball of energy, turns around to see this phenomenon!
"By the way," Zachariah turns back around to face Cartman, now floating in front of him, who continues, "I'm not fat…I'm charmingly plump!"
Cartman grabs Zachariah's energy arm and forces him to hit himself in the face with it, blinding him! Cartman then escapes the path of the lava by flying out of the volcano, leaving Zachariah to die! "AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zachariah is caught in the explosive eruption of Mount Parkerstone and is killed immediately, suit and everything!
Cartman manages to fly away from the volcano, but his boots are fried by a magma-ball, forcing him to flip backwards and land violently without his mask on top of a large rock further down from Stan and company! Lava pours into the pre-made ditch as Kyle watches the volcano in disbelief.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Kyle utters, finding it absolutely dumbfounding that Cartman's improbable plan actually bore fruit.
Everyone's attention then goes to the apparently unconscious Cartman, who continues lying on the rock.
"ERIC!" Brittany's voice echoes through Cartman's head, but he remains unconscious until the screen goes black.
The next morning at a press conference, Token is telling the reporters little about the events last night with Stan backing him up while Cartman sits in a nearby tent reading a newspaper about his armored alter-ego and Brittany tends to his battle wounds.
"Iron Ric?" I like that! Got a little bit of my name in there and it makes way more since than "Iron Fat"!" Cartman snickers. "I mean, can you believe that, Britt? Me? Fat?"
Kyle walks into the tent with a stack of speech cards, "Here's your alibi. You were in Denver with me, Stan, and Token T.p-ing houses. Paid off seven guys to act as witnesses."
"What about Zach?" Cartman asks.
"He was in Hawaii exploring a dormant volcano after his mom told him not to." Kyle answers.
"And the whole "Iron Ric" thing?" Cartman continues asking.
"Hippie-execution prototype used by one of your bodyguards." Kyle explains once again.
"Huh, very nice, Kyle!" Cartman shakes his head, impressed with Kyle's ability to be elaborately deceitful.
"Learned from the best!" Kyle shakes his head.
"From the Stupid Hippie Incin-" Brittany started.
"Call us, "S.H.I.E.L.D". Can't all be Samuel L. Jackson." Kyle interrupts. "And I was talking about fat boy here!"
"Oh, I'm the best? Thanks a lot—HEY! STOP CALLING ME FAT, AGENT JEW TRASH!"
Outside, Token introduces Cartman, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Eric Cartman! And he will not be taking any questions."
"And we mean, not!" Stan puts emphasis on Token's words. "So, keep shit to yourself when you feel the urge to spit it out!"
Cartman walks up on the podium and is prepared to read off of the cards until he notices Jenny sitting in the very front, with a smile that indicates she knows something amout him.
"As an answer to if whether or not I was involved in the events of last night, here's my answer!" Cartman starts reading off of the cards, but tosses them to the side and, as a repeat of the last press conference he called, blatantly utters, "I am Iron Ric!"
Everyone at the press conference, with the exception of Jenny, who further implies that she already knows with her smile, stand up and, to Stan's anger and frustration, start asking Cartman questions all at once until the screen fades to black!
Omega note: Well, that about says it all for the first half of this fic and the parody of the first Iron man movie! The second halves, which will parody the second movie, will have more action, more emphasis on Cartman and Brittany's bond, and of course…fat jokes for Iron Ric himself, Eric Cartman! Till then, basically, I'm out!