Chapter 2 - Gear up

Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, and the Cat who had just found out about the return to his shopping dream land, all stood facing the huge vid screen in the Drive room, on which Holly grinned.

"So Holly." began Rimmer, "What is going on?"

"It's simple really, any fourth generation super computer could see it." said Holly smugly.

"See what Hol" prompted Lister

"See that the whole big destruction of the shopping mega mall was a hox, a ruse, a jibe, a tick!"

Rimmer and Lister exchanged confused glances. "What trick Holly?" said Rimmer.

"Yeah this kitty is more confused than a pair of odd socks at a sandal convention." said the Cat pulling out his favorite comb.

"Keep your hair on, the mall it tricked you." said Holly.

"Hol, are you trying to tell us the Mall tricked us?" said Lister slowly.

Holly rolled his huge digital eyes. "Gordon benet yes, when you saw the destruction of the mall you were in fact seeing a holographic display of the Mall being destroyed."

Kryten spoke up from the corner of the room where he had been arranging a nice neat tray of biscuits. "Holly, our sensors all registered the destruction, how was this possible?"

"Easy, simple hack into Starbugs computer and change the readings. I found a trace on the logs." said Holly.

The Cat looked confused. "So first there was a Mall, then it was destroyed and now its back?"

"No Cat, it never got destroyed." said Lister adding "So it's all still there, the gear the shops the Holograms infected with the virus?"

"Yep" nodded Holly.

Lister thought for a second then it hit him. "Sam, she could be alive? Kryten man get the guns, get the big guns, you know the ones we found on the simulant wreck."

"Hang on a second Listy, that place is crawling with Zombie Holograms just waiting to kill you and turn me into one of their vertically challenged hologram brothers. We can't go back."

"Look I left her once, I'm not going to again." said Lister forcibly.

Rimmer looked serious "Lister are we talking about Sam here or Kochanski?"

Lister who was now pouring over the navi computer stopped. "Rimmer this has nothing to do with Kochanski?"

"Oh doesn't it, I think your still feeling guilty about your decision."

"Smeg off" said Lister returning to the computer screen.

"Sir Mr Rimmer is right, this is very foolish indeed." said Kryten.

Cat shrugged. "Well I have to agree with Goal post head and Square features but I'm with you bud, I say we rocket pants in there and save those beautiful clothes."

"Listen this is going to be a rescue mission with a re-supply tacked on the side." said Lister seeing the Cats eyes gloss over at the thought of returning to his shopping meca.

"Holly, how far still are we till docking range?"

Rimmer's nostrils flared alarmingly. "Lister you can't be serious, you're planning to dock Red Dwarf at the Mall?"

"Yep, I figure we can fit more supplies in that way." said Lister

"What if the Zombies get onboard?" said Rimmer sounding more and more alarmed at this whole idea.

"They can't Rimmer, they are only projected inside the Mall."

"Actually Mr Rimmer might have a point sir, while most of the Malls holograms are limited to the infrastructure of the mall, a few would have off Mall permissions, those that offered services on ship." said Kryten looking as embarrassed as a mechinoid could with unbelievably square features.

The Cat grinned. "Are we talking the soft and squishy kind of services?"

"Indeed I believe we are." replied Kryten averting any eye contact.

Lister moved to the other side of the room to get a closer look at the long range scanner. "Look, so a few pleasure holos might be able to get on board, but remember that lot down there don't exactly win any prizes for smartest Hologram of the week. As long as we lock up tight when we leave, there should be no problems. Holly can you do a long range scan? To see what's going on?"

Holly nodded. "I'll try Dave but there seems to be some sort of interference."

"Err Holly what kind of interference, Aliens?" asked Rimmer sounded excited at his own idea.

"No Arnold just your regular kind, the boring get in the way kind." replied Holly.

"OK Hol just see what you can get. I'm going to me room and get ready, I suggest you guys do the same." said Lister turning for the door.

"Err wait, we haven't all agreed to go to the Mall Lister?" said Rimmer

"No debate!" replied Lister not slowing his pace to the exit.

Rimmer moved to block him. "Actually, space directive 2588345b clearly states that in an emergency supply shortage situation, a crew vote must be taken to clear a course of action."

Kryten tapped the tips of his fingers together like he always did when he had bad news. "Actually sir, I think you mean 2588345c."

Lister in the meantime walked straight through Rimmers left side. "Oy!" shouted Rimmer.

Lister disappeared down the corridor a single digit raised behind his back in mocking salute.

Rimmer turned to Kryten who was waiting to dispense the actual meaning of Rimmers incorrect directive. "Oh go on then, you're like a small child on Christmas morning." Said Rimmer seeing Kryten jiggle up and down on the spot.

"2588345b - All crew members wishing to attempt zero-g sex should ensure their false teeth are removed first."

Rimmer tutted, turned and walked slowly after Lister.

A short time later.

"Awwooogaaa Awwwooooga" screamed the ship wide alarm

Rimmer dashed up the few last meters of the corridor towards his and Listers sleeping quarters. He burst through the door, panting. Lister span round to greet the breathless Arnold Rimmer.

"Rimmer, what the smeg is going on?"

Rimmer who was panting hard. "Holly.. PANT... Infected...PANT... we are … PANT… smegged!"

"What's wrong with Holly?" asked Lister quizzically

Rimmer breathed deep and made Lister wait a full 30 seconds before he tried again. "It's Holly, he has started acting strange Kryten says it looks like the virus."

Lister dashed to the nearby vid screen. "Holly?" he called.

After a short while Holly's features appeared on the screen, only they had changed somewhat and now he had blood stained eyes and his skin was much greyer than normal. "Holly are you ok?" asked Lister his voice quivering with concern.

The Holly on screen did not answer but did start too droll and bang his digital head against the vid screen glass.

Lister turned back to Rimmer. "Oh smeg, this looks bad."

"You're telling me, he's making a right mess of the ships vid screens." said Rimmer watching the digital drool dribble down the black screen.

"No Rimmer this is bad for you, your Hologram unit is connected to Holly!"

"So?"

"So if Holly is sick your next."

Rimmer stood blinking; he was not ready to start a new career as a ship wide shuffler. "We have to do something."

Lister stood thinking, his brain cells that normally spent this time of the day lounging at the back of his head were suddenly dragged screaming and kicking into life.

"GOT IT!"

"What, what do we do?" asked Rimmer still in shock at the last bit of news.

We need to get to the Holo suite and move your primary projection program to the portable unit.

Rimmer registered what Lister was saying; somewhere in the back of his mind he had a bad feeling about this. "OK, let's go."

Note: I know that as a rule holograms like Rimmer seem to go anywhere, even outside the confounds of Starbug or RedDwarf, my idea here is that there is a fail safe in the Mall that keeps its Holo employees tied to the Mall.

Next time: The crew realise things are more smegged up than they though and Red Dwarf is rapidly approaching a locked on course for the Mall. Is Holly lost? Will Rimmer ever get to play rub the pencil tip again with Rachael, and will Cat die happy amongst a 1000 different kinds of silk scarfs. Find out soon in RETURN TO THE MALL CHAPTER 3! DUM DE DA!