Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key."
The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu
By Kaori
"KYAAAAAAHHHH! SPIDER! KILL IT! KILL IT!"
…the sound of the neighbor lady screaming? Okay that wasn't what he was thinking but he was sure to cause a few screams today. But first things first: a shower, a change of clothes, and a bowl of ramen before mayhem.
Sasuke admired himself in the mirror. "Oh yeah, I'm one sexy mother…"
"SASUKE-KUN!" several cheerful voices chorused outside his door. "I'VE BROUGHT YOUR BREAKFAST!"
"What the…what do you mean you brought Sasuke-kun's breakfast? I'm giving Sasuke-kun breakfast! You whores go home!" one voice yelled.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AWHORE!" screeched the others. And the sounds of fighting broke the otherwise peaceful morning.
"Looks like I'm leaving through the bathroom window again." The Uchiha sighed in annoyance as the fangirls began the now ritualistic battle to determine who, if anyone, would be giving Sasuke her lovingly cooked meal.
Unfortunately for Sasuke, Sakura was waiting for him outside his bathroom window with a home cooked meal of her own.
"Good morning, Sasuke-kun!" she chirped as he lowered himself out of the window. Sasuke almost jumped back into his bathroom but gravity decided not to be his friend today and he landed on his back at Sakura's feet. "Would you like some breakfast?" He was about to tell her off when he suddenly realized that he could see up her dress. Turning bright red he got up quickly, muttered something about training, and ran for the hills leaving Sakura to stare at his back in disappointment.
Naruto finished his ramen with a happy sigh. "Now on to business." He took the scroll out of his jacket. "I could try that Fangirl Repel jutsu first but I think I'll save that for later. Let's see what else is in here." He skimmed through the scrolls, occasionally letting out a snicker or an evil laugh. Then he came across one that puzzled him. "Mother-in-Law no Jutsu? What the heck does that do?" he tried to read further but there were jelly stains on the explanation. The only thing he could make out was that it doesn't work on children, spinsters, or bachelors. Even more confused, he memorized the handseals and set out to find a target.
Sarutobi Asuma sometimes wondered if Konohamaru really understood what being a ninja meant. Especially when he found him, once again, painting a cardboard box to look like a rock. However, he felt no need to correct what should be an obvious flaw in the boy's plan as the amusement that usually followed would break up the tedium of the day.
Leaving the boy to finish what he was doing, he went out to buy a pack of cigarettes unaware as to exactly what was awaiting him.
Naruto was about to give up on finding someone to test the jutsu on when he spotted Asuma meandering down the street. Now, the boy had nothing against the jounin personally but he was running out of patience and for all he knew he wouldn't get a chance like this ever again. He focused all his attention on Asuma, went through the handseals and…
"Mother-in-Law no Jutsu!"
Asuma shuddered. He looked around warily. What was this ominous feeling? Could it be withdrawal symptoms? He quickened his pace towards the store.
The shopkeeper greeted him with a friendly smile as he entered and then went back to dusting the shelves. Asuma made a beeline for the cigarettes. As his hand reached out for a pack of cancer sticks he suddenly heard a voice.
"Buying your filthy cigarettes again?" the voice was grating with a critical tone. "What sort of example are you setting for my grandson?"
Asuma whirled around and came face to face with someone he had not seen in three years.
"Wha…how…"
"And you're stuttering. How unmanly. Honestly I don't know what my daughter saw in you. You've got poor posture, and your beard isn't even trimmed neatly. And stop that gaping you look like a fish."
Asuma stood there in a mix between surprise, horror, and fear. The woman was two feet shorter than him, with gray hair done up in a severe bun. Her dark blue eyes glared at him from behind large, coke-bottle glasses and her mouth was set in a permanent frown.
She could not be here. They buried her three years ago. He thought he was rid of the she-demon for good! But she is here! Nagging, disapproving, about to make his life a living hell once more.
"You'd better not be teaching Konohamaru (1) your shameful ways. I still remember your horrible lack of proper decorum when you first came to my house. You didn't bring me a gift, and you never gave proper compliments of my cooking. Furthermore…"
Not again. He couldn't live with this again.
"She should have married that handsome Toramaru. Now he was a man, and with a proper job. A respectable apothecary, not a ninja like you who'll widow your wife and leave your child fatherless…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!" Asuma screamed and ran out of the store. The shopkeeper watched him go with a slightly puzzled look on his face.
"Maybe he's trying to quit." He thought, and then went back to his dusting.
Naruto, who had been watching the whole thing from the aisle, was completely confused. Asuma was just going to pick up some cigarettes and then suddenly started freaking out. He kept staring at the other end of the aisle like he'd seen a ghost, but there was nothing there except shelves of candy. Wanting to investigate more, he decided to follow Asuma.
The Sandaime Hokage' son ran pell-mell through the streets and didn't stop until he reached one of the training areas. He sighed and sat down under a tree. He reached into his jounin vest for a cigarette only to remember that he'd forgotten to buy them.
"Looking for you cancer sticks?" the grating voice was back.
"Don't look, don't look, don't look…"he murmured. He looked.
"Don't you ignore me." Glared his mother-in-law. "How dare you. I would think the son of Sandaime-sama would have better manners! Back in my day men were…"
"NOOOOOOOOO!" he took off again.
Naruto was getting a little bit tired of chasing the jounin around (not to mention hungry) so he decided to leave the man to his delusions and go visit Ichiraku.
Said jounin bumped into Hatake Kakashi on his frantic dash through the village in a futile attempt to escape his mother-in-law.
"Kakashi! Thank God! You've got to help me!" he blathered.
"Asuma?" blinked Kakashi. "What's going on? Did you steal Anko's dango again?"
"Worse! Much, much worse!" cried the beardo. "It's my mother-in-law!" Kakashi blinked at him.
"Didn't she die two years ago?"
"That's what I thought but she's back and following me! Criticizing me! I can't go through that again! You've got to hide me!" Kakashi slapped him.
"Pull yourself together man!" he grabbed him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Your mother-in-law is dead. She can't ruin your life any more."
"But she's right there!" he pointed frantically off to Kakashi's right. Said jounin looked over but saw nothing.
"I don't see anyone Asuma. You know, you don't look so good. Maybe you should go get some rest…"
"Ha! As if that harpy would let me! Yeah, that's right! I called you a harpy! And you know what, I'm not sorry!" Kakashi suddenly felt very sorry for Asuma as he ranted at his invisible motheer-in-law, so he did the humane thing and used his sharingan to put the other jounin to sleep.
Elsewhere, completely oblivious to the mental trauma he had inflicted, Naruto was looking through the stolen scroll. "What the heck is a Haliotosis?"
What indeed. Most likely it's something completely ridiculous but surprisingly effective.
1) It's still not clear whether Konohamaru is Asuma's son or his nephew. Given both their ages I'd assume nephew, because it's improbable (but not impossible) that Konohamaru is Asuma's son. Until that is clarified I'll stick with the safer assumption and take the risk of making an ass out of u and me.