A Sleepless Night

"You coming inside?" Dawn asked, but Spike shook his head. He was feeling overwhelmed enough by the slayer's scent just from where he stood on the sidewalk.

"Gonna stay here and smoke a while."

Just then the front door opened and he got a lungful of death that almost knocked him sideways.

'Oh my god,' he thought, 'She's in there. They brought her back here, probably laid her out on the couch her mother died on. Is it any bloody wonder Niblet ran away?!'

"Spike," said Xander, sounding irritated. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd be done with your stalker routine by now."

"Hey! Don't be a jerk!" said Dawn, jumping to his defense.

Squaring up to the carpenter Spike spat out the unlit cigarette from his lips. "I was bringing Dawn here home. Bet you hadn't even noticed she was gone."

"No-one noticed," Anya admitted, "Xander, I think you should apologize."

"Whatever, he'll get over it."

"Xander!" both Dawn and Anya reprimanded him in unison.

Backing down a little, Spike reminded himself he needed to be good if he was to have any chance of convincing these people to let him hang around.

"Look," he said, "I don't wanna fight, especially not in front of Niblet. Think we can agree she's been through enough." Turning to her he added, "I'll stop by and see you tomorrow after sun down. No more late night strolls, okay?"

Dawn nodded before turning to go inside, whispering "Be nice!" as she passed Xander.

He waited for a moment or two after she shut the door before objecting. "You'll see her tomorrow? What's that about?"

"She needs someone."

"Not you."

"Right, so you're gonna protect her when you don't even know where she is and there are demons roaming the streets? God knows why, but she listens to me and I can fight off any beasties out for scoobie blood."

"He has a point," said Anya. "Buffy did trust him enough to help out."

"Can you stop taking the side of captain peroxide here for a minute? What is wrong with the women of my social group - does no-one remember this is a dead serial killer who wants to hang out with a vulnerable teenage girl we're talking about?"

"A dead serial killer who fought by your side no less than twenty four hours ago," Anya added.

"Why don't you just get a room if you love him so much?"

"Because you said that we weren't gonna do the whole open relationship thing and- Why do your eyes look like they're gonna pop out of your head?"

Unable to take anymore tension Spike walked away, letting the bickering fade away into the distance. One thing that wouldn't fade, though, was the thought of her in the house. He wanted so much to sit with her, even if it wasn't really her anymore.

It was then Spike realized that unless she took that form in a vision, he would never get to see her face again.

Again he had the urge to end it all but again he pushed the urge down and away from him.

Returning to his crypt he sought sleep but could not grasp it. The peace he'd received in his earlier dream was degrading and he felt himself spiral out of control.

After many hours of standing and sitting and turning the TV on only to put his foot through it, he threw stuff around until he found a pen and something to write on - a beer mat. He then spent the next two hours teasing out four words of a poem only to burn the damn thing.

"Buffy!" he cried, "I can't do this. I'm bloody stupid but I can't deal with you being gone unless you come and help me!" Confessing it out loud gave him just enough relief from his pent up frustration to let her words come back to his mind.

"I love you all," she had said, and at the time he didn't know if the 'all' included him but now he had to believe it. Even if it wasn't the love he really wanted, it was enough. The love of a friend; a colleague; someone you spend your everyday life with. She really was full of love – gave it to everyone, even in small doses. She had never loved him romantically, but when she asked him into her home it was an act of love none the less. There was love behind all her actions, even those that brought death to demons. It was the love for humanity that spurred her on; her desire to not let anyone get hurt. It was her loving nature that kept him alive – kept her giving him infinite second chances.

He may not have been able to content himself with sleep that night, but he could content himself with knowing that she was worth waiting for.

To be continued...