Yesh, be in awe, the great power of rambling! I have no idea how I developed the trait of writing down every possible thought of the characters down, in the most difficult way possible x) Wellh, anyway this chapter was necessary for... how did I put it? "To avoid abrupt time jumps and be able to move on to more interaction between them". So yes. Arthur will be shown in the next chapter or I'll eat my hand. I'm probably going to write him one of these at some point, to be quite honest ;D It will most likely include more action though.

I feel like I should keep talking more about nonsense, but nothing is coming... We shall move on to the story then.

Merlin walked casually through the hallways, a drowsy look upon his face. His pace was rather quick, which hinted that he was really in need to get some sleep, so much that he didn't care about being tired anymore, he just did everything to get to bed soon. So he scurried past the torches, the doors, the windows and the staircases, with a trained sense for direction to his room. Only once did his journey stop and that was at the end of it, by the court physician's door. The door was locked, as usually, but Merlin had no problem to get it open and let himself in. The second he closed the door behind him, his eyes grew wide and his hand rose up to keep his head up from falling down from where it belong on his shoulders. He pushed his back against the door as if assuring it would remain closed and then let himself slip on the door.

There was turmoil in his head, grown with each step he had taken to his room. He felt his heart beat racing from the pressure, not yet getting to solve the situation properly, but only calming it down by assuring there was nothing to be concerned of. An empty assurance. There definitely was something to be concerned of. Even while thinking he shouldn't think about it, he had done it. There was now a part in his mind that he couldn't block. What was wrong with him? Or rather, what was wrong with the crown prince? He shouldn't be going around doing such things, even he, as the servant, knew enough to tell it wasn't the proper way of acting. He had been drunk, Merlin told himself, but it didn't really cure the problem. The problem really wasn't in Arthur. It was in him. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he stop thinking about it? Why couldn't he get his mind off of the damn kiss?

Merlin was nearly banging his head against the door when he was awakened by a familiar growl. He quickly stood up, rushing his way to his own room, barely granting Gaius a glance as he went, only taking in the fact that he was surely asleep. He immediately took the bed as his goal, diving under the covers as fast as he could. He told himself to stop thinking about it, repeating it out loud until it didn't sound like a sentence anymore. But he couldn't, he could still see it as if in slow motion all over and over again in his head, Arthur's lip meeting his. It was quite horrible. Or it should have been horrible, but the fact that it wasn't, was the actual horrible thing in it. And suddenly he could remember all the other times, simple touches, simple smiles and simple teases. He was suddenly caught into this dream and he couldn't get away from it anymore. The final picture made it too whole. And Merlin couldn't understand it the tiniest bit, getting a little panicky.

Feeling his uneasiness taking the control of him, he moved down on the floor, sitting at the side of his bed and still holding his covers tightly around him. Merlin stared at his wall as if in an attempt to produce a hole in it. How could it even happen? What was wrong with him? It wasn't normal, no, it was highly unnatural. He wasn't even sure what it was. It was like… It was this cozy feeling. The feeling in the pit of his stomach that made him want to dedicate his every passing thought to Arthur. And then there was this melancholic feeling of longing. It was kind of like, like he had… a crush on the prince. But that wasn't possible, was it? Two men? Was he so gone wrong in the head? He had never heard of such nonsense. Girls liked boys and boys like girls. That's how it was, had always been. Women breed children to men. Why didn't he go and have a crush with Arthur's horse while he was at it? He reached for the cup on his table and took a sip of the now very much warm water. He viewed the cup from its sides. Maybe it was some need for affection, to kiss something, anything really.

He hesitated a little before giving the cup the tenderest kiss he could muster. But he couldn't feel any attraction to the cup. Probably the most insane idea ever. Still, Merlin was secretly thanking every God he knew that he felt no attraction towards it and he did not desire to kiss it again. He put the cup down, his thoughts, purely by an accident, returning to the horse. After nearly getting traumatized by the horse, he grimaced and gagged, lying down so he was under the bed from waist down, like he was trying to hide. At least he wasn't completely gone crazy. He tried to think of Gwen in Arthur's position, but when that produced no affect at all, he fell deeper into his pit of shame and at the same time, under his bed. The covers that now only revealed the very tip of his hair were representing his emotions rather well. Perhaps she inflicted more reaction in him than the cup, which wasn't really a victory that notable, but anyhow way less than the horse.

Thinking back at Arthur, the feeling in his stomach woke up again, though the shame didn't leave. He was starting to consider the fact that maybe he was so shocked he couldn't get it off of his mind. Maybe he was traumatized. Well, that would be over reacting. Though it appeared as the most reasonable explanation right now. Wasn't it supposed to involve this very much uncomfortable and shameful feeling? At least that's how he had felt when that sick old, village pervert had felt his behind when he was younger. He had gotten over it in a week. And being traumatized would mean, under it all, he was alright in the head, he'd be all normal soon. Everything would be alright. Quite content with that thought and so tired he would hold on to any acceptable option, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to finally get some rest. So drowsy, he allowed his thoughts return this nice feeling back once more before drifting off to sleep.

-

He woke up losing the girl.

It was this very beautiful girl she figured he had seen around the town a few times. In the dream she was carrying this basket of many different kinds of flowers in it. And in the dream she gave Merlin one red lily from her basket and an enchanting smile along with it. And then she took him by the hand and she led him through the streets of Camelot, taking him to shops, workshops and introducing him to so many, just ordinary people, kind of like in his hometown. Later she pulled him aside and told him she really, really liked him. First his smile, now his nature and she would love his magic too, all that and then she gave him an innocent kiss on the lips. Then from somewhere came the particularly arrogant blond to turn the world around again. Arthur, who only granted him his trademark smirk and teased him about the flower and the girl and… he didn't even ask him, but Merlin followed him. He felt bad leaving the girl, yes, but… he had no second thought about it. Even though it didn't mean he'd get Arthur, which was way less likely than not, he chose him instead of the girl. Then he woke up.

Merlin slowly sat up, blinking, and nearly hitting his nose against the edge of the bed that was suddenly just about a centimeter away from his face. He settled to lying back down again and turned to rest on his side. The sun was forcing its way through his window as he had forgotten to close the curtains last night and they were wide open. He held quite puzzled feelings towards his dream. Puzzled and melancholic. He knew the reaction was created mostly because of the lack of sleep, but he felt like going out and drowning himself. Maybe he was confused by being traumatized by a close friend. He still cared for the boy, he'd still follow him anywhere and he'd still be ready in a second to die for him, but then again he knew that now he'd feel ashamed around him or when he thought about him. He wanted to avoid that feeling, avoid Arthur, which would kind of make their friendship a lot harder. And so he was melancholic. He didn't want to face Arthur, but he didn't want to lose him either.

Merlin sighed and struggled from under the bed. There was no way he'd get any sleep now and besides, it's not like he hadn't got any work to do. He'd just have to wish it didn't involve seeing Arthur much today. He succeeded at finding his way out of the door, dreamily rubbing his eyes and yawning at the same time. The first thing that came into his view when he stepped out of his room was Gaius giving him an odd look. Merlin tried to stare back, but at that precise moment his eyelids decided that they were under the impression there was something irritating his eye and the blinking was required.

"Uh, morning", he resolved to answer instead.

Gaius averted his gaze back from Merlin, rose up and went to get another bowl for the newly awakened boy. Merlin sat himself by the table, grateful that he had only been late, not completely missed breakfast. He felt like he needed the energy to make up for what he usually got by sleeping well.

"Good morning", Gaius placed the bowl in front of him and returned to his own meal, "I was coming to wake you up earlier... I see you find the floor more comfortable nowadays", at this point he gave Merlin a sharp look, "Although I still have no idea why you have to sleep under the bed. You'd easily think it was dusty in there…"

The man casually filled his mouth with the spoon and eyed Merlin patiently. Like an everyday chitchat. Too normal, really, why Merlin figured he was up to something. He actually wondered if he had done something to make himself too easily read. It could have been anything, as far as he was concerned. He might as well have just looked unhappy, while sleeping or after it.

"Yeah, I probably just fell off the bed and rolled under the bed. I got in bed so late I must have been restless."

As he explained, he tried to sound as cheerful as possible. He didn't feel so chatty so he would have rather left the sentence halfway, but he guessed the more he talked, the less likely Gaius would expect something more. Normally, he'd either tell Gaius or tell him he needed to do this by himself, but this time, he wanted to keep it all away. He was ashamed and he wanted to pretend like there was no problem. Merlin had already concluded it would pass on its own so if he didn't say it out loud it would never actually come true, it would never become reality. If he could isolate this only into his head, a year from now it would be like there never even was a problem. Nothing would be affected by it, no word was spoken and no thought was given to it. But he'd need to stop thinking about it himself too. So either he was in demand of finding some real issues to trouble him or act like he was alright. Right now, the matter being very fresh to him, it was easier to act. Right now, he wanted more than anything for everything to be alright.

"Is that the only reason why you were restless? Or is it…" the physician awakened him from his thoughts for the second time that day, this time consciously, "Arthur, perhaps?"

Merlin's head shot up from his porridge, ready to shoot out question like, "what, Arthur" and "why'd you think that", but before he got anything out of his mouth he knew the game had been lost right there. Gaius of course did the sensible thing and pretended he hadn't noticed, but Merlin was hundred percent sure he had. The other would have never let it pass by. Plus there was no comment on Merlin being quiet. Equals, he had been caught. How could he even let himself fall for that so evidently? He had never been such a good liar, true, but it was still far, far too easy. Gaius carefully finished his breakfast and got off the table. Merlin tried to retain his composure, nothing had been revealed yet. There was no way the man could have known what exactly had happened. But, he should be worried about his mission to forget the whole incident, since clearly it wasn't working very well. Now they were already talking about it. And Merlin was in the edge of sinking under the table. He really hated the sick feeling in his stomach.

"You should talk to him."

Gaius gave Merlin an encouraging look to go with it. Merlin was however busy with tracing a circle in his porridge with the spoon. He did hear the much older man though. Just that Gaius couldn't possibly know what had happened, if it was said for the moment that something had happened, so how could he know what he should do? And Merlin had no idea how he could bring it up to Arthur anyway. He hadn't taken into account of Arthur doing it himself, there was a potential chance he didn't even remember. That made it even harder to talk about. He could just imagine it in his head. He'd say Arthur had kissed him and Arthur would probably ask him why he needed to know this and then Merlin would answer… well Merlin would say he wasn't quite pleased with it. And Arthur would give him an incredulous look , "are you waiting for an apology?". He would never get that apology and things would only get weirder around them. Who said talking about things helped?

If it wasn't for the fact that he was solely a mere servant to the blond, it might have helped him to talk, since then he might have been able to get to that point of clearing things up. Though, he himself considered Arthur as a friend. Merlin wondered if he might react with a tad more understanding if he told him the matter brought him a lot of discomfort. He wasn't sure. It didn't seem too Arthur-like. However it was, truly talking about it would certainly get some of the pain off his chest. And it would then be someone else's problem too to solve. He just didn't know if he wanted Arthur to know they had kissed. Arthur, kissed him, he didn't kiss anyone… at least he didn't start anything. He had to be submissive to everything the prince did. But anyway, he already felt uncomfortable with it, wouldn't it increase if he'd have to deal with Arthur also being uncomfortable around him. They'd certainly have some problems to manage with each other. Plus, he didn't want him to realize he was thinking about him, which most likely he would realize, every time Merlin wasn't all happy-go-lucky. If he wanted to think about the crown heir, he wanted to do it in private.

He really was in need to talk to Arthur though. Considering it for a moment, the sole compromise he could come up with was that he would need to go through it very tactfully. To bring up the subject like it wasn't anything major. So the other wouldn't take it as a burden and would come to the impression, neither did Merlin. And it was not necessary for them to go through it all the time, not in public, not in their own heads. In an addition he might be getting some assuring answers from Arthur. Everything was fine, it didn't mean anything. He was drunk. Merlin sighed heavily. Suddenly, it started to feel like an obligation for him, not a way to relieve his stress. The thought actually made him feel rather down. Shouldn't he wait a little longer to see if he could get it out of his mind? Although, he knew that if he was planning to tell Arthur in a way that was in passing, he'd have to tell him today, or it wouldn't be so in passing. It didn't mean he still couldn't push it further, did it? He was currently in no hurry at all.

Deep in his thoughts, he distantly heard the door being opened and then closed a couple of seconds after it, but even so he didn't notice the physician had left the room.