Author's Note: From this point on, updates will come every Wednesday. Future chapters will also be longer since I'll have an entire week. I admit, this chapter was rushed because I hated leaving this story as just three vague headlines. I got a few PMs with guesses on how Bella died and who killed her. Love the theories, but nobody has gotten it yet!
January 2006
"Alright," Charlie sighed as he pulled out the chair next to him at the kitchen table, "It's time for you to spend some time with your mother. I'm worried about you, kid."
"Wha-," I stammered, only managing a cut off groan. Charlie eyes dart towards the chair to subtly force me into it. I stumbled into the wooden seat, not having the energy to put up a fight.
"This behavior...it's not normal. So many hours locked up in your bedroom, not eating a real meal or getting actual sleep. I never know what you're thinking, and you've completely cut yourself off. Maybe some sun and time with your mother will be good for you. She's dying to have you back. You're clearly not happy here," Charlie drawled uncomfortably, fingers fumbling with a clean napkin he found on the table.
"No," I began to protest, but he was partially right. I am not happy here, but would I really be happy if I wasn't here? Jacksonville may be bright and lively, but I have a natural talent for turning any place into my own comfortable hellhole. At least here, I can look at the spots he once stood and build the illusion that he never left.
Forks was all I had left of him. it was the only reminder that the time with him was real. That was the last thing Charlie wanted to hear right now.
"Bella," he sighed, "it was your mom's idea. You know that I love having you here but lately you haven't been...well you." He turned his head to the landline by the kitchen sink. "When's the last time you called your mother or, you know, answered one of her calls? Might change your mind after talking to her. Some girl talk for a change. You always had a special connection with her."
"I don't want to," I fretted, my mind immediately jumping to the moment I first told her about him and how excited she got over my sudden interest in a boy.
"A two minute call. That's all I ask."
"But what would I tell her?"
A consoling line formed between Charlie's eyebrows, "I don't know. I guess you tell her whatever it is you haven't been telling me. I'll dial. All you have to do is keep your ear on the receiver."
"Hmph. My fingers aren't the problem."
"Can you blame me for trying to lighten the mood? Is there anyone else you'd like to call from Phoenix? Maybe an old friend or something since you seemed to enjoy your time there so much."
Old friend...I did have a few numbers from Phoenix jotted down in a notebook somewhere but never got around to actually calling them. If they gave a damn about me, they have my number too so it cuts two ways, not that I blame them for avoiding me. Even if — by some miracle — they was someone from Phoenix who wanted to reconnect, there'd be too much to cover. They'd ask how I've been been, what I've been doing here, and who I've been hanging out with. I would rather pull Jessica or Lauren into the room and hope for them to endlessly yammer about their boy troubles.
That's it.
"But I like my friends here. Yeah I miss some people from Phoenix, but we've spread apart. Jessica and I are going shopping in Seattle tonight. Maybe I'll ask her what she thinks about me going to live with mom." The lies flowed out terrifyingly easy.
"Shopping with Jessica?" he reiterated with the corner of his mouth tilted in doubt. "You hate shopping. Why the sudden plans?"
"She asked me to help pick out her prom dress." Perfect. Now he won't be suspicious if I come home empty handed.
He mumbled, "Alright then. Talk to her and think it through. Just, can you promise me that you'll call your mother tonight?"
"Promise," I assured with a forced a smile. "I should pick her up soon. Store closes at seven." He nodded and watched me head out the front door with the keys to the truck hanging out of my coat pocket.
Did Charlie really believe my stupid lie? Hopefully he didn't notice my jittery legs or how I struggled to open the my own car door. He was probably watching me through the living room window, but I could not bring myself to verify.
Don't look back or you'll crack. Don't look back or you'll crack. Don't look back or you'll crack.
Out of Charlie's sight, the drive to Seattle was easy, logistically, but maintaining focus on the road was an uphill battle. I briefly deliberated over driving somewhere else or turning around and telling Charlie the truth, but one would only buy me a one-way ticket to Jacksonville and the other made me feel more guilty than I already was. I lied about Jessica coming with me so the least I could do was maintain honesty about where I was going.
My truck trudged through the narrow Seattle streets. I lost track of how many stoplights I drove through and avoided eye contact with the passers-by on the crosswalks. The obnoxious hum of my engine was amplified by the cold weather and garnered much attention. Seemingly on every block, college aged kids filled the sidewalks, immune to the below freezing temperatures, meanwhile my arms shivered with the truck's heat on full blast.
The miserable joyride killed twenty minutes by circling around dress shops, restaurants, and parks. Twenty minutes was enough to wipe me out. I caught myself swerving into another lane and had to pull over and take a breather.
I could have died. I could have killed someone else. And for what? Because I was too much of wreck to leave my car. My body sunk into the steering wheel, and for the first time since the day he left, tears trickled down my cheeks. I rubbed my eyes with stiff, icy fingers and reached down for my cell phone. There had to be someone on my contacts who I could trust to pick me up and not tell Charlie.
The Blacks were definitely out of the picture. My stomach dropped at the thought of Billy coming over for dinner and telling Charlie all about the night he picked up his crying daughter on the side of the road. There were no secrets between Billy and my dad. His son was a nice kid though, but was Jacob even old enough to have a license? Probably not.
It was hard to believe that anyone from school would be willing to come. I was not worth their time nor did I deserve it. Just imagine it from their perspective: the girl who sits alone at lunch and barely speaks to you for months suddenly rises from the dead to ask for a favor. It didn't take someone like Alice, sweet, sisterly Alice, to know that they would outright reject me.
Time for my last resort: hot, bitter caffeine.
I stepped out, grabbed several quarters to insert into the parking meter, and walked right into the quaint coffee shop across the street. The store was dimly lit, but even so, it was still brighter inside than it was out there. There could not have been more than ten people in the shop, including the two employees cleaning equipment behind the counter.
"Sorry, just one moment," the petite, soft-spoken girl shot from the register.
I plainly nodded.
She casually wrapped up whatever she was doing and directed her attention to me, "Thanks for being patient. So what will it be?"
"Large coffee please."
"Room for milk?"
"No thanks." Personally, coffee doesn't have the same effect when it's not bitter. I handed her a five to speed up the process. She glared and sourily completed the transaction before reverting back to her perky, customer service facade for next guy in line.
Large black coffee in hand, I plodded past customers hidden behind their laptops and located an empty table near the window. I lifted the lid of the paper cup to feel the piping hot steam clash against my rosy cheeks. Fingers softly grasped the bottom lining of the cup, and all concentration was on taking slow, careful sips.
"Excuse me. Is this seat taken?" a husky voice spoke from behind me. I turned away from the window to see a auburn haired boy in jeans and open jacket with a Newton-ish smile plastered onto his face.
"No," I responded honestly without even considering what he was really asking. The boy took that as his invitation and pulled out the chair other to join me. He set his book and coffee cup on the table and appeared as if he was about to speak. I'll admit, I was in no mood to strike up a conversation nor did I have the drive to, but there was something about the company of another person that made me feel warm inside.
"Black coffee?" the boy commented while nodding at my cup and tilting his own. "I heard you order and thought you had a nice, sweet sounding voice and excellent taste in coffee."
"Can't drink it sweetened," I answered in a neutral tone.
"I feel that. It gets rid of the true flavor. If it's good coffee, it doesn't need anything in it, and frankly this here is the best coffee in Seattle. Trust me, I tried everything before midterms last month," he chuckled at his own joke, and his fingers anxiously tapped against his book. You go to school around here?"
"No."
He was oddly persistent in getting answers out of me and only slightly taken aback by my indifference."Thought so. I know I'd remember you if I saw you here before. So what brings you here then?"
"I drove here."
"...So did I but...I'm Jack. What's your name?"
The stranger, who now had a name attached, leaned in closer to me. Rather than move back, I used an entirely new approach to distance myself from him. "My name's Christine," I lied through my teeth in an uncharacteristically high pitch, as if this different name actually did make me a different person.
"That's a pretty name."
"Thanks! I was named after my mom. I'm actually on my way to visit her but had to stop here and take a break from all that driving. Traveling here was a pain in the neck, but we barely talked last semester so I'm hoping a surprise visit might make up for that," I enthusiastically carried on, spilling out pages of false information.
"That's cute. I'm sure she'll love that. How long have you been driving?"
"I go to the University of Montana." My lips pursed together and hummed to buy time to calculate, "It took me about eight hours to get from there to here." That seemed about right. Hopefully Jack doesn't know anybody who's actually a student there, but on second thought, it wouldn't matter. We would say our goodbyes in a few short minutes.
"Eight hours? You really did need the caffeine. Here I am, just giving in to a craving. I go to the University of Washington so coming here is a walk in the park. Literally actually, I walked through one park to get here," he snorted, gazed out the window, and pointed towards what I assumed was the park.
I laughed in a girlish way that resembled Lauren when Tyler makes a light joke, not insincere but definitely exaggerated. Most of the sound was consciously stemming from the bridge of my nose, and I even went so far as to cover my mouth to not show too much teeth.
I got a strange high off of painting myself as Christine. My eyes surveyed the room in search of something to talk about that would keep him here longer and eventually set on his book, "What are you reading there?"
"Dex," Jack sheepishly replied, "but I swear, it's not what you think. I know most people think it's just for horny guys, and I used to think that too, but I borrowed my friend's copy just to see what all the fuss is about, and it's actually really good and addicting."
Dex must have gotten popular in the last four months or so, because I've never heard of it before in my life.
"Sure, of course. I know tons of frat boys who read Dex for the plot," I playfully teased.
Jack's chuckled matched mine, and his face turned crimson. With a deep inhale, he pressed further, "Frat boys huh? I don't suppose you're dating one of them?"
Time for a clean break. "Yeah, going on three months," I murmured, taking the high road out.
"Damn. Well in that case, sorry to bother you. Hope it works out for you two," he intoned with just a hint of frustration. He stood up, straightened his jacket, and modestly carried himself out the front door.
Good. No harm done.
With only inches off lukewarm coffee left in my cup, I took one last gulp and returned to my truck with fifteen minutes on the meter to spare. Though I was in a much better state than before, both physically and emotionally, I did not want to spend any more time in Seattle than necessary.
My mood collapsed the moment I stepped into the driver's seat, a tangible, painful reality check.
You are not Christine, the outgoing college student, girlfriend of a frat boy, and adoring daughter. You are Bella. You are so wrapped up in yourself that nobody in your high school wants to speak to you or cares enough to try. You push away the only loved ones you have left and refuse to call your own mother even when she has desperately tried to reach out. You're nothing, Bella Swan.
The sound of the keys in the ignition offset those horribly familiar thoughts. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. The word swarmed around my head as I drove home. It was the word that kept me from sleeping and overran my nightmares. It was the word that perfectly summed up Bella Swan.
"Bella, I don't want you anymore," his voice jetted into my subconscious, and it stung, because it made far more sense than him loving me.
It hit me, and my jaw dropped. That's why it was so easy to speak as Christine. She wasn't tied down to Bella Swan. She gave me the creative freedom to not be...me. I must have been pretty good at it too for Jack to be interested enough to ask if I had a boyfriend.
Admittedly, the thought of saying "no" and leading him on longer did cross my mind, but that would have been cruel. Feigning interest in someone just for your own entertainment is a shitty thing to do. Especially when the other person falls in love with you and then you just abandon them without warning and make it as if you never existed, but it will never be like you never existed because you left such a mark on the other person tha-
And now, I was not just angry with myself for being nothing but with him for making me believe I was more than that. He made me love him, and despite all, that unconditional love persists. I would still give everything I have just to hear that velvet voice and be in his arms again. It's an unbearable pain that I would not wish on anyone else — like Jack.
Everything I told Jack was a lie but we'll both move on with our lives. Besides, it was for the better. If Jack is looking for a girlfriend then he was looking in the wrong direction. I can barely handle friendly relationships much less romantic ones. I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to love someone again. Not as much as I love him.
But hey, that's just Bella speaking.
The truck turned into the driveway, making a large thump as I accidentally swerved a bit too late and hit a part of the curb. The light from the living room window was visible from outside the house. Charlie was probably in his recliner watching ESPN. I paused at the front doorstep, collecting my thoughts and de-stressing with deep breaths. Lying to Jack was entertainment, but lying to Charlie was betrayal.
"Hey, Bells," he rapidly shot from the living room the moment he heard the squeak of the door. "How was shopping?"
"Same old, same old," I replied, walking towards him. He muted the television which I took as my cue to sit on the couch.
He sat up with his elbows tense on the arms of the recliner, "Glad you got the chance to go out. I didn't know you and Jessica were close."
"We've gotten closer in the last few months. It's hard to hang out outside of school since she's in a lot clubs." I had to force myself to stop there for fear that Charlie would be suspicious of my constant derailing. He seemed satisfied with what I gave him.
"Listen, I know you don't want to talk about this so I'll make it short. Did you ask Jessica about Jacksonville?"
"Yeah, and she was pretty upset. I made a lot of good friends here. She also brought up a bunch of points that I didn't think of before," I sighed, hoping my responses sounded natural. "Look dad, I know you think it will help, but I graduate in five months. Switching schools and having to make new friends would be far more stressful."
"Well it was your mom's idea," he half jokingly retorted. "You should know, she called twice while you were out. I told her that you went shopping, and she doesn't believe me."
"I'll go upstairs and call her back now," I exclaimed, taking off before turning around halfway up the stairs. "Oh! And Jessica has a this unbelievably long list of dress shops she wants to visit before she finally chooses. I'll have to suffer through it."