The weather's heavy again. Who would've thought to see it happening to California so often. Lately, that's all you can look for in the, so called, sunny paradise. When I first got to Los Angeles, people tended to be stunned when a single cloud found Its way to throw some more shadow. Entirely different thing with the wild side of area, there was always something bothering about the climate. I watched thick shower of dew pouring at the glass of the window, as I was with my own company. I think it's getting worse. The sough became momentarily louder, led by a gusty blast. It was a little hard to ignore the guy from removal company who, soaking wet, was unloading the car. Not a single soul but him, fighting with the obstacles on his way. I observed a little while until he disappeared inside the building. Again, I had nothing to lay my eyes at, to focus my mind with. A challenge to me, to find different object interesting. Due to this one returning thought. Why is life so unpredictable. Why things change when you least expect it. Or when you try your best to make them best, their own path surprises you at the end either way. One wrong decision and everything falls, crashing down. Why those things disappear. I wish there was a way of control over, at least those that we cherish the most. Only very few roll through my mind every single time I start over thinking my life. Those things made me the happiest... freedom and love I once had. I now barely can feel anything as I'm not happy anymore. A small, yet existing still hope whispers to me every now and then though, that this book isn't entirely at Its ending as eventually, everything gets better at some point. Do I believe in that? I want to-
"Here you go miss Munroe, this is the last box." I heard, seeing in my doorway that guy in wet, yellow T-shirt as he finally trudged himself to the third floor.
"Thank you, just put it- anywhere, it doesn't really matter." I smiled politely, showing him an empty space wherever. He gave me an understanding nod whereupon he placed the carton next to the others and left the room. I waited a few seconds in place, glancing at unclosed door. Any noises other than rain, still knocking to my windowpane has been still surrounding me. I'd freeze it like that, an enjoyable sound. I couldn't bear the thought that something else could possibly bother my ears now and realizing that, I pushed myself toward the entrance to close those door shut.
I walked around yet another place I have to get familiar with. I know its gonna be tough to put myself into this. I am scatterbrained lately. Nothing I find easy to learn. If I could simply just go on a 2 months winter sleep, that'd be great... but it's spring already. I leaned in to one of the boxes on my way, deciding it needs to be unpacked. I peeled off the tape which was protecting the opening and pulled the flaps out. Of course, that's the one with glassy things, I missed the warning sign. I'm pretty focused I must say, seriously. I sneered sarcastically at my distraction and proceeded. The first thing at the top was covered with a bubble wrap for extra amortization. I took it out and placed it elsewhere, freeing my hands to get back to the mirror. Where do I put it? I looked around, carrying the item already in my palms. Must be the hook somewhere. I pushed myself up and followed my legs. That paint color is ugly by the way, so- lilac. Where's the life in it? Did ghost throw up on these walls? I scowled, walking them around. It's pointless. I thought and stopped in place. If I just looked closely... I narrowed my eyes, zooming in the area it'd fit best. Right at- There it is! I approached the place before I could lose that tiny little nail and I began hanging. At least that I have done. I scanned the paper covered glass, reminding myself it needs to go off too. I grabbed one of its ends and pulled on it. With a second, it fell down, revealing my own reflection to me. My, just so renewed enthusiasm burned out immediately as my sight travelled around the image. It remained unclear if that was just distorted face reflected in that mirror or the face itself. I stepped closer to get a better look. My usually brown eyes were dimmed by hazy shadow, that glow I so had got lost, leaving a cloudy piece of them only. Redness covering the parts where they should be white. Doleful and tired, without a single spark of life. I had a visible line under, drawing a heavy bags. That I never had before. My cheeks became slightly hollow, as if I was dealing with some physical illness. Lips perfectly outlined but dried though. Skin turned pale, highlighting all the freckles I had around my face. My black hair were flat, making me look like a mess, a wreck of a person. I looked weary, with an absent mind. That's what this city does to you if you stop paying attention. I turned away, disgusted with myself but one thing was still idling in my mind. I was facing a better light, standing straight to the window. I swallowed the emotional pain away and lowered my eyes. Slowly, I hooked my fingers under the hem of my T-shirt and slightly pulled on it. A bit of skin has been revealed, making me wonder... has this really gotten so bad? I gritted my teeth and pulled the material more until I could fully judge. My stomach seemed even flatter it has ever been. And those ribs. That's sick! I look sick! Depressed mind isn't enough? How I struggle with emotions can't be the limit? I covered myself and moved to the bed. I took a seat and again looked around. I'm a mess and this place isn't any better. There has to be some way... so I can put myself together. I need to stay focused, to keep up with school, to keep this place. I've been awaiting for this dorm for almost two years, sent back from list to list. If I didn't high up my grades to maximum I probably wouldn't get in here till graduation. There's a hundreds of students hunting for this room and the very least has the opportunity, really. There's just one building for everyone, high school and college students. A hotel kind of thing that doesn't draw age or gender apportionment. So it is indeed a privilege. A cold shiver flew down my spine as probably the upshot of the chilliness I'm experiencing ever since I've stopped moving around. That's really distracting, knowing that my damp shirt has partly glued itself to my shoulders. A reasonably thinking person would do something about it. I inspected the boxes in front of me with my eyes and pushed myself up afterwards. Which ones I packed with clothes? I unwrapped the first choice of mind and started digging through it. So where was I? Right. Living in a campus, close to the institutional buildings as well as to many others including libraries, lecture halls, student centers or dining halls is indeed a thing to people. In the very centre of a social land especially. I clenched my fingers around the thick cloth I reached to with my sense of touch and pulled it outside. To my eyes appeared a piece of clothing I so wanted to find. An oversized pullover sweatshirt, navy blue colored. My favorite, so called 'borrowed' thing. Originally it wasn't that big on its owner as it is on me... and that's the magic of it. I tore off that still unpleasant material of my body and slid my bare arms inside the large sleeves. My motion drastically slowed down within the finishing step. As I got my head inside, I couldn't help not to let in that nostalgic feeling again. An emotion that follows behind me, whenever I smell that familiar scent. Like a tattoo hidden under clothes, it's always somewhere there. I pushed my head fully through and fixed myself with it then. The hem stretched down the half way of my thighs length and my palms disappeared fully inside. I crawled back on the bed, leaving yet a bigger mess on the floor and I situated myself between the pillows. I need to stay in this dorm, till the very end of my educational process best. I'm an individual that isn't falling for all those things I've mentioned before. I seek for Independence so I learn how to take care of myself... on my own. The thing my mother has never learnt. I cuddled my whole body to the sweatshirt, diving deeper in. It was making me feel safer. That scent I used to hug my full self into. A few tears of weakness rolled down my cheeks as that heavy feeling crashed my chest again. I so incredibly miss that presence... replacing the loneliness that follows behind me whole my life. I became reticent within past few weeks, as I've really got nobody to talk to anymore. I've pushed away, not that obviously rare contact with my closest ones as I grew antisocial.
I cleared my face, distracted with noises from behind the wall. I listened closely, summing that must be some students down the hallway. I myself was hiding in no people zone in the old apartment but this place is about an entirely different thing. I won't have a life if stay locked up in this room. I will have to get out there. The good thing is that spring break just ended and there's only two months left until holiday... so it might be manageable to handle both grades and cotenants. I reassured myself, finding then, that all the noises stopped... the rain, the talking. I didn't realize until just now that silence slid its way back in, screaming probably too loud at me. I took a few more seconds awaiting for anything to hear and my expectations has been answered... with the first knock to my door.