Y'all are pretty lucky, I'm doing another chapter.
Chapter three (although technically its four) will be rewritten soon, probably in a few days, since I'm going to have to write about the chapter of the book I skipped, as well as rewrite the uploaded chapter. Course, I could have that done in the next hour or two, but I've been up for 3 days and I really want to sleep, so fuck that.
Also, have you seen how much of a mess the third chapter is? There is no way I'd be able to make it somewhat enjoyable to read in the next hour lmao.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything, I am not making any profit off of this and all rights go to the lovely J.K. Rowling
"CHAPTER TWO THE VANISHING GLASS
"Can we skip this one? I mean all I do is speak to a snake and piss Dudley off"
"boi no"
but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother.
"I think I accidentally burnt most of those pictures a while back" Harry mused, there had been one accident a couple of years ago where Dudley annoyed him and so he used his awesome magical powers and attacked the poor pictures. Obviously not accidental magic.
Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.
"ALBUS WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK LILY WOULD HAVE WANTED HER SON TO BE FUCKING ABUSED? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU… YOU SENIAL OLD COOT, YOU FUCKING CUM GUZZLING DONKEY FUCKER-"Snape continued his tirade of insults, each one getting longer and longer. Everyone was impressed with the insults he managed to create, it was truly an art.
"Snape do you ever fucking learn? Blood wards. Say it with me. Blood. Wards"
"BULLSHIT YOU SENIAL OLD FUCK-"Albus had silenced him, his eyes narrowed in anger as he placed his wand back on the table, before addressing the whole hall.
"Listen here you little fuckers, because I'm only gonna say this once. Yes, I care about Harry, deeply so. However, y'all need to understand that what I did was necessary. Yeah, it was bad, leaving him with downright abusive cunts for ten years. But, holy fuck can y'all honestly think that him living with a wizard couple would have been safe? Fuck no! Malfoy's death muncher of a father and his buddies would have killed the poor sod, and then used their money to stay out of Azkaban. So, yes, I did let one individual suffer, instead of let him die and therefore watch out community get wiped out. Cunts"
Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes. He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose. The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning.
Umbridge was ecstatic, they finally had something on the little shit! He liked his scar! How could anyone who didn't adore the dark arts like a scar they knew nothing about?
"That's it! Fudge we have dirt on the twat, he must be in league with You-know-who! Why else would he like the scar the damned fucker made? He wouldn't! Never mind the fact that he didn't even know about magic at that age, if anything it only proves that he was evil at birth" Even Fudge looked at her with contempt.
"How many IQ points do you think she has?"
"Well, I certainly wouldn't expect it to be double figures"
Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel - Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.
"Woah Harry, you're a fucking comedian, better quit your day job." Fred/George muttered.
"Yeah, I sure was savage."
"Forget the boy-who-lived. You should be the boy-who-spat-fire"
"George, you just ruined it."
"Fuck off Lee.
"Thirty-six, " he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year.
"Woah Potter you didn't tell us you were on the poverty line!"
"Malfoy shut up, you're literally a product of incest and your Dad was a fucking death eater, you have nothing to be happy about." Harry snapped… Snappishly. Ron grinned in amusement beside him.
"So I'll have thirty... Thirty... ""Thirty-nine, sweetums,"
"That's just depressing" Hermione said, because most people have her become disgusted at Dudley's lack of education. Ron frowned and did something else which highlighted the fact that he is not as smart as Hermione is, nor will he ever be.
"Yeah well welcome to my life" Harry was channelling Emo-Potter again and had to make a conscious effort to stop, no one liked it when he started to monologue about his life.
Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived twostreets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.
"Potter, what are wrong with cats?" Three guesses on who said that… McGonagall in case you're dumb.
"Nothing mate, I just hate looking at about several hundred of them in the space of an hour."
"Sure, you litt-" Umbridge coughed loudly, glaring at everyone in the room.
"Do you all mind shutting the fuck up? We do want to finish this wonderful story by the end of this week, you know."
Dinky Duddydums, don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!"
Two hundred (is that right?) people all did a spit take at the same time. How you may ask, well magic. Anyway… People started coughing, crying, dying and vomiting as they tried to comprehend what happened. The only person who wasn't at all affected by the name was Ron, who could apparently see the similarities in the name the twins gave him and could also see just how funny the damn name was… Not very. Sure it would be an alright one liner, but a running joke or something, ugh no.
and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas.
"ALBUS"
"SEVERUS?" That seemed to shock the potions master into silence. Thank god.
Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before
"YOU'RE A META-"Nymph Tonks screeched from her place beside Remus, before the werewolf put a hand over her mouth, his ears ringing slightly. Harry snorted and turned to Hagrid, where he muttered
"Yeh a wizard 'arry"
Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much to Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney.
"Aye apparition before the age of 18, definitely illegal" Fudge finger gunned at Harry, happy to genuinely have something to pin again him.
"Nah mate, t'was accidental magic, you can't do shit" The finger guns abruptly stopped, instead Harry now had two middle fingers aimed at him. How immature… It didn't stop Harry from responding with his own two fingers.
I had a dream about a motorcycle, " said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying. "Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a moustache: "MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY! "Dudley and Piers sniggered. I know they don't, " said Harry. "It was only a dream.
"BARK BARK BARK"
"Sirius….ly... Stop that Snuffles" Que all order members looking around shiftily.
"Great save Lupin" Fred shot. George was smashing his head against the table while he contemplated life.
"Shut the fuck up, I haven't been in practise will all my Marauder skills."
"Marauder?"
"Did I stutter, bitch?"
"WE ARE NOT WORTHY, WE ARE NOT WORTHY" Fred and George were offering themselves to Lupin while he looked on confused, he looked at Harry, who was avoiding his gaze. To Hermione who was whispering 'Cliché' to Ron who was shaking his head in disappointment.
"Uhm… What the fuck?"
Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's. It winked.
"This better not end with bestiality" Flitwick warned. Most people in the hall turned to him, puzzled. Flitwick looked at them and shrugged. "Just a warning." That didn't really help.
Brazil, here I come... Thanksss, amigo.
"Harry, how come you didn't realise you could speak to snakes until second year… The evidence is there" Hermione looked at Harry, as if he was stupid.
"Yeah well, figured it was just a part of magic."
a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead
"The killing curse"
"No shit"
the Dursleys were his only family.
"See, didn't really have anyone to give Harry to, did I?"
Very strange strangers they were, too. A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything
"Again, fucking incognito."
A/N. So again, kept a lot of the old shit, some new shit though. Also, I shortened most quotes on here since yk I don't own any of Harry Potter.