Pirouette Chapter 2
Characters are borrowed from Grey's Anatomy
All around him, the ones who knew their history, kept staring at him. Forgetting one basic thing that all mothers seem to tell their children "do not stare" They were looking for a reaction, anything that would give away how he was really feeling. But they got nothing, he sat stoic and looking straight ahead, and except for the tight clenching of the jaw, no one could tell how he was feeling.
Inside, he was in turmoil. For a few rows ahead of him, upon that stage, stood the woman that he had spent the last ten years of his life wondering about. Gone was the unruly long curly hair and the unbridled arrogance. In front of him stood a more mature version of his Cristina. The years have definitely been good to her. She was brilliant, articulate, beautiful and she commanded the stage like no other. Everyone, young and old listened carefully to every word that came out of her mouth. He was listening as she spoke.
"With all the advancement that we've made in science, medical technology, and medicine in general, we've still not been able to duplicate or replace one basic ingredient, . . . the human touch. Richard Webber had the human touch. It was his quiet leadership in the surgical wing of this hospital that allowed young idealistic interns like me and my fellow interns to learn and to succeed while we interned here. We came here full of hope and promise and we left here as surgeons . . . "
She had the audience in the palm of her hands, he thought, and he couldn't be more proud. He removed his glasses and cleaned it, an old habit he had whenever he was nervous. He wondered what her life was like, who her husband was and if she had any children. For a few moments he blinked and closed his eyes. The thought of her having children with anyone else was too much to bare. When he opened his eyes again, she seemed to looking right at him. But she averted her eyes once he saw her. He replaced his glasses and continued listening.
"Of all the lessons that I've learned from Richard Webber, one stands out in particular. "When all else fails," he said, "always go back to the basics." "Today, we honour Dr. Webber by going back to the basics of medicine, and by providing this hospital with a new Surgical wing. A place where everyone's surgical needs, both basic and complex will be met.
And so it is my honour to declare the Richard Webber Surgical wing open."
The audience was standing, the roar of the applause was deafening and as the applause died down she disappeared from the stage.
Dr. Welland came back and was addressing the audience. "I know that many of you may want to speak with Dr. Carlson and she has very willingly agreed to stay for a few more minutes, but please be cognizant of the fact that she will have to leave shortly as she must catch a flight to England, where she will be addressing the graduating class of the Oxford University Medical School, before returning to her home in California"
She lives in California, he couldn't believe it, all these years and she live in California. She hated California he thought, she thought it was too hot. He made his way to the small reception area and stood at the back. Everyone was crowding around her, asking questions. He made no attempt make his presence known or to ask any questions. In his mind he had no right to that, or to even be in the same room with her. This is what he had always known, that she would be a star that shines brighter, than any other. He listened to some of the questions and found out a few things. She had completed her internship in California, he supposed it was to be close to her family. He was glad to hear that; at least she would have had family around her during that turbulent time. She spent a year in England but he didn't know why. A young intern asked the one question that most people were thinking but too afraid to ask. " Dr. Carlson," she asked, "Why didn't you finish your internship at Seattle Grace?"
Without any obvious reaction she looked at the young intern and for a very brief moment the events of ten years ago resurfaced in her mind, and she looked sad. "My reasons for leaving" she said "Was very personal."
She thanked everyone for speaking with her and promised to come back and visit the hospital. "After all" she said, "this will always be home, but I'd like to take a few minutes to look around my old haunts before I leave. Thank you all for coming."
He backed out of the room quietly, unaware that she had seen him. He wanted so much to say something to her but he wanted it to be private. He walked around for a bit hoping that he would run into her but he never did. It occurred to him that maybe she was deliberately avoiding places where they would meet. Eventually he found himself outside. It was late evening and the night air was cool, the clouds grey as if at any moment the rain would come bursting through. He walked around, a thousand memories flooding in his mind. Then there she was standing under a tree, talking to Meredith. Realizing that, that may be his only chance to get to speak to her, he approached them.
They both saw him coming and Meredith quickly gave Cristina a hug and walked away. As he got closer, she began to walk in the opposite direction. He hastened and caught up with her. She never stopped walking, never looked at him. He wanted so much to say the right things but wasn't sure where to start. Finally, he walked passed her and stopped directly in front of her. She stopped walking and he began to speak. "You were magnificent up there" he said . . . "you are magnificent . . . I'm very proud of you."
When she spoke there was no emotion in her voice. She looked him straight in the eye and said "Thank you, Dr. Burke."
That hurt, she called him Dr. Burke, he wasn't Dr. Burke . . . not to her. To her he was always simply Burke and yet here she was being formal and distant.
"Cristina, you don't have to call me Dr. Burke." He said sadly.
She was talking, more to herself than to him, "This tree has been here for a long time. I wonder what it would say if it could speak. Maybe it would remind me that on the first day of our internship, Meredith threw up here . . . funny how much of the little things I remember . . . just being here . . . the unpleasant things . . . "
She trembled and he removed his coat and placed it around her slender shoulders. It's too cold out here. You should go back inside. She didn't say a word but she accepted the coat. It was the one little glimmer of hope that he was looking for, and he knew that he had to speak right then or the moment would pass. 'Cristina, I'm sorry . . . for all the pain and embarrassment that I've caused you . . . for everything. Please forgive me."
She looked at him, her expression unreadable and then she told him, "What's done is done . . . You chose to walk away . . . I survived . . . You don't have to be sorry . . . we make choices in life and good or bad, we have to live with them . . . Now if you don't mind, Dr Burke, I'd like to be alone."
Without saying another word, he walked away, leaving her alone, walking among the trees, and out of his life.
He went back inside the hospital to bid farewell to his former colleagues, and then he walked all the way back to his hotel. He couldn't find the words to describe how seeing her again made him feel. One thing was certain. The years and the distance did nothing to change his feelings for her. He wanted to hold her, to wrap his arms around like he always does, he wanted to feel that hair tickling his nose. It didn't matter that she had cut her hair, long or short it was still Cristina. He wondered if she was happy, he believed that she was. She didn't mention her husband but she wore a ring on her finger, and he felt a little sad that she was wearing someone else' ring. She didn't do rings. She told him once, how times have changed. He wondered what kind of man she married. Was he a surgeon too? Did he love her? He had all those questions and yet he knew that he had no rights to the answers. He' had given up that right years ago.
Alone in his hotel room, he thought about the evening and his shock when Dr Welland introduced her. He had no idea that C.Y. Carlson was Cristina, he wondered if she did that deliberately. He realized that Richard Webber had always known where Cristina was, but would not divulge that information. He had contacted Richard years ago wanting to find Cristina, but he believed that Richard had never forgiven him for his handling of the tremor, his resignation, and causing Cristina to leave. In some ways he believed that he was justified in letting her go, because he had serious doubts that if they had gotten married Cristina would have been able to accomplish all that she has. She would have made many sacrifices for him including having children and he knew that children would be a direct conflict with her ambitions. She looked so beautiful, so poised, a rose among the thorns. He smiled when he tried to compare the girl she once was with the woman she had obviously become. In some ways it made him a little sad for he loved his girl and didn't want her to change too much. Something tells him that underneath all that poise and polish lies his old Cristina, brash, arrogant and fierce.
He remembered how beautiful she looked on the day they should have been married. How willing she was to give up so much of herself to be with him. He couldn't let her do it. He loved her too much, and so he had made the decision to set her free. History, have taught us that for all the freedoms that we enjoy, someone paid a tremendous price. In setting her free he paid a tremendous price and he hoped that in the end she would come to understand why he did it, and forgive him.
There's an old saying, which states, in order to be forgiven, one must first forgive one's self. He hadn't forgiven himself. He had married a woman who loved him and whom he loved but he still hadn't gotten over Cristina. Lucky for him, Laurel was not the kind of woman to be jealous. She was honest and kind and she had tried so hard to make his life complete. In the end the child that she wanted to give him was not to be. Thinking of Laurel made him smile, even in death she was able to make him smile. He had never known a woman who tried to find a wife for her husband before she dies. He remembered her telling him one day that before she dies she was going to find him a wife, because he didn't deserve to be alone. When that failed she became obsessed with him finding Cristina.
He remembered his promise to her that he would find Cristina, but even in finding her, he had lost. She was already married, and happily it seemed. He felt like he was adrift, no wife, no family and a career that he had temporarily put on hold. All his life he had worked hard and had achieved the highest rewards, but he wasn't happy. For the first time in his life Preston Burke felt like a complete failure.