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Summary: She has always envied the clouds. (Or: In which dreams are fulfilled in the most peculiar ways and a young girl gets reincarnated as the future Cloud Arcobaleno.) [SI, Self-Insert/OC-Insert as femSkull]
Enjoy.
Nobody Sees Me Wishing
Chapter 2
Waiting On That Morning Sun
.
.
.
Of A Newfound Freedom
rampant (adj.) in an unrestrained and often menacing manner.
V.
She was running, her tiny legs moving speedily and carrying her over the damp ground.
A biting wind blew over her pinkish cheeks and made her sensitive eyes water. Anja had to blink a few times to adjust her blurry vision which almost led to her slipping on the mud underneath her feet.
Laughter bubbled out of her mouth.
Tightening her arms around the white and purple helmet she was currently holding, the young girl turned her head to the side and gazed at the man chasing her out of the corner of her left eye.
Filip, due to his height, had a harder time avoiding the other people occupying the road and actually barely managed to get out of the way of the resident fortune teller, stumbling quite visibly on the slippery ground. His attention never wavered from her small form.
He had been spending too many hours at Lorena's side, so Anja had decided to interrupt them by stealing his favorite helmet. Such an action probably did not bother the man all that much, but he reacted anyway to humor her.
(...Anja wasn't jealous of her father's motorcycle. She just wanted to play with her only family member, really...)
During the few years she had spent in this new world, the teenager-turned-child learned many new things about herself, among them that she apparently did not like fish anymore and that a young body could influence ones mental capacities.
Anja had become very childish.
Nowadays, she enjoyed running around carelessly and playing tag with the other children. Problems she would have normally tried or at least been obligated to solve could now be easily ignored.
No one expected anything from the girl because of her age.
There was something truly wonderful about not having to worry about things like the far off future or her next visit to the doctor. Any problems that might arise were taken care of by Filip who did not even want her to notice that something was wrong.
Eliza's life hadn't been hard when came to having a home, food or some other daily necessities, but there were still many things she had had to worry about.
Anja was exempt from such troubles.
As a child she had the freedom of not having to worry.
Ducking under a rather large table, the young child once again looked over her shoulder to spy Filip and saw that the man had managed to catch up with her during the small interval she had spent dreamily thinking about her newfound liberty.
And though she enjoyed their small game of tag, Anja knew that it was sometimes smarter to admit a defeat rather than tire herself out or harm herself by colliding with a hard object.
Once she managed to come out from underneath the table, the violet haired girl slowed her pace and waited until her father finally caught her.
It did not take long, of course, as one of the man's steps equaled at least three of her own. His arms gently slithered around her waist and pulled her up and against his chest.
Although she had expected this, Anja still giggled loudly when she felt Filip picking her up, the purple helmet immediately falling out of her hands and into the mud.
''Got ya!'' Roared Filip, his voice rumbling in a bad imitation of what she guessed to be a dragon. At once, the world spun into a myriad of colors and her eyes lost their focus on anything that wasn't her father. Purplish strands of hair flew in all directions and blinded her eyes temporarily.
Once the world finally stopped spinning and Filip pulled her body back against his own, the violet haired girl wrapped her arms around her father's head. A few brownish curls tickled her skin and she could feel him breathing evenly against her stomach. ''You're quite the little rascal, huh?''
Pouting cutely at the muffled statement, Anja let go of his skull and was gently lowered until her head was at the same height as his shoulders. ''You've been working so hard for the last few days that I decided to organize a break for you.''
''You decided to organize a break for me?'' His voice had a slightly mocking and possessed disbelieving quality. ''I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, my dearest Anja.''
''Are you?'' She smiled sweetly. ''When have you last eaten something?''
Filip scratched the back of his head a little sheepishly. ''Well, I ate something late last night and I'm not all that hungry right now.''
Which meant that he had probably stuffed himself at three in the morning with the leftovers of yesterday's dinner.
''But I'm hungry.'' Stated Anja while grabbing a few locks of his soft hair. She just loved playing with it.
''Ah, that's why you came to me. My little Anja just did not want to eat dinner alone.'' The tiny girl was once again hauled in the air and spun around until she could not discern her surroundings.
When Filip finally decided to lower her onto the ground, he was laughing heartily and regarding her with a soft look. ''So, what do you want to eat, Anja?''
Picking up his helmet, the once teenage girl furrowed her eyebrows. ''Iwona is making pierogi today. She told me that I could try.''
Iwona was the Polish wife of their circus director. Although the woman wasn't one of the performers, she still seemed to enjoy the 'circus life' immensely.
''Pierogi?'' He questioned, puzzled just for a second. ''Do you mean knedle?''
''No, I mean pierogi. They're completely different things.'' Inferred Anja, raising a finger to poke her lip. ''Iwona is making the Russian ones. Those are the best.''
Not that she had tried those in this life, but they had been Eliza's favorites.
''How do you know?'' Filip asked, equally amused and suspicious.
''Well,'' Her tone was a little dry. ''Iwona told me.''
The brown haired man reached out and took the helmet out of her hands. Then he proceeded to shake the object to get some of the mud off it. ''And you're sure that she invited you?'' Seeing her hasty nod, Anja's father smiled. ''It's still pretty early, so I guess we could go.''
Without any hesitation, the child grabbed her father's hand and started pulling him down the road. There was a slight jump in her steps. ''Great! You know, you've fallen right into the net of my diabolic plan.''
He looked at her a little weirdly. ''Diabolic plan? I sometimes wonder where you learn all of those things.''
Anja just smiled overly sweetly.
VI.
''Follow my instructions, girls!'' Madame Dubois, one of the older acrobats, shouted while she bent down and touched the ground with the palms of her hands, not once did her legs falter from their straight standing position.
The older woman was speaking a rapid French which even after four years in this new world wasn't too easy to understand. Since Croatian was a Slavic language, it was similar enough to her mother tongue and thus not too hard to learn.
French was sadly a whole other matter.
Anja was only the slightest bit proficient in understanding it because she was constantly exposed to it. The 'Lanterne Française' was a French circus which meant that at least half of its members spoke that language. People who joined the circus had the choose between learning the 'main' language and not comprehending half of the things said.
Most did not find it hard to make such a decision.
Anja didn't either.
Neither did she hesitate when she was offered a place as a future acrobat.
Now she only had to learn how to be one from the strict Madame Dubois whom despite her rather harsh personality seemed to have a soft spot for children.
Wiggling her fingers, Anja tried to come at least close to touching her feet. It did not work out.
The girl next to her was down in a perfect split.
Anja pushed herself a little further. It did not work out this time either and only caused an unpleasant burning sensation in her legs.
''Alright, a break girls!'' Madame Dubois's instruction brought forth collective sights of relief. ''Sit down on the mats and copy my movements as soon as you can.''
After lowering herself onto one of the blue mats and glancing at the few other girls in the room, Anja continued stretching herself.
This was just her third lesson and she already felt like giving up.
Anja didn't.
VII.
She has always envied the clouds.
It was only natural for her to do so. Clouds, with all of the effortless grace they exhibited while gliding across the sky and the boundless freedom each and every single one of them possessed, were the embodiment of Anja's every dream. They could not be trapped or restrained, not in the way Eliza used to be, and despite their harmless appearance, clouds were the origins of dangers like raging storms.
Those giant white dots upon the sky were everything she wanted to be.
(...later, when she finally found out the truth, Anja would look back at this moment, see the irony that has become her life...
...
...and then she would laugh bitterly once she realized that even a cloud could be chained...)
No matter how much some people might deny it, freedom would always be one of humanity's unattainable goals. Even now, without one of her biggest restrains, Anja still wasn't free. She was bound by the prejudices of these times and the expectations piled upon her shoulders.
The chains secured around her appendages might have been loosened slightly upon her death, but they had not been fully removed. Anja easily recognized that it was something that would never actually happen. There would always be something binding her in place.
That, of course, did not stop her from yearning.
She did it either quietly inside the tent that housed both Fillip and her or a little more openly on a grassy patch outside, the latter being her preferred method. There was just something truly calming about feeling the soft wind cooling her reddened cheeks and watching the other members of her circus bustling around and taking care of their business.
Then there was also the sky, infinite and boundless just like the clouds decorating it.
Anja loved being surrounded by the sights and scents of the outside world. In her new home the smell of cotton candy and other sweets lingered everywhere and filled her with a familiarity she couldn't quite decipher.
(...that was a lie...
...
...her mama used to bake cakes and cookies every day and each time Anja smelled the sugary goods, she was forced to remember a woman that wasn't...wasn't even alive yet.)
And at the end Anja enjoyed spending time outdoors so much that it did not even matter that the winters in France were cold, neither did she care about the fact that there weren't any grassy patches during this time of the year. As long as it did not pour too heavily or Filip did not force her to come inside, the young girl favored spending her free time laying on the ground and gazing longingly at the clouds above her head.
During the cooler and oftentimes damp seasons, a large plastic foil kept the snow from drenching her clothes, while one of her new father's sweaters was used as a pillow.
Currently, it was the 12th of December 1960.
Earlier that day, she had made the mistake of trying to rest upon an uneven ground which ended in a rather unpleasant slide down the miniature hill due to the foil she had put underneath herself.
One of the circus' early risers had fortunately been standing in her path, otherwise Anja might have collided with the equipment stored behind him. The large metal poles and one of her father's ramps would have certainly injured her, severely or not.
After apologizing profusely and making sure that nothing had happened to the poor elderly man, she searched for a better place and found it near the stables. Although the smell there wasn't the best, she still considered this place to be her best option.
In an anomalous way, the view there was astounding.
From this position Anja could see a large part of the circus and some of the snow-covered trees surrounding it. Many people were already walking down the slippery roads. Colorful and vivacious clothes adorned their bodies, contrasting heavily with the white flakes covering the ground.
A female acrobat in her dotted green bodysuit and a bright pink coat stood out heavily against the scenery as she flitted from one of the living tents towards the one used for training. Of all the hair colors she could have had, it had to be a fiery red. It moved behind her like a curtain of flames and Anja did not know whether she should be impressed or horrified at the random mixture of colors.
Both, probably.
Once the acrobat finally disappeared inside one of the bigger tents, the young girl carefully settled down on her makeshift blanket, the foil rustling loudly all the while. It moved forward a few inches, but stopped as soon as Anja was finally laying comfortably on her back.
The sky was very lovely that particular morning.
Different shades of blue colored its wide expanse, only a sparse few fluffy clouds that reminded her of headless sheep hiding some of its beauty. They floated across their home, always there and yet never restrained.
A few warm sun rays crawled up her legs towards her torso, the branches of a tree to her right protected her eyes from the blinding light. Thousand of diamonds seemed to cover some of the untouched patches of snow when a sunbeam hit them in just the right way.
Pulling her red scarf—Surprisingly, the color did not clash as horribly with her hair as she had previously thought it would.—over her mouth and cheeks, Anja adjusted her position on the makeshift pillow and turned her gaze once again to the sky.
Delight and melancholia bloomed inside her chest, clashing horribly with each other.
In her previous life, the girl had spent many hours in her family's garden cloud-gazing. It had been one of her favorite pastimes. Krystyna sometimes joined her and they would play a game of identifying and naming the clouds above them. If they did not have a distinct shape, they had always called them cotton candy.
Anja missed her sister terribly.
She yearned for her company and witty jokes in a way completely different than her longing for freedom. The most important difference between the two was that she had known the former, while the latter would forever be out of her reach.
That applied to her sister as well now.
They would never see each other again.
It hurt to even think about it and led to Anja wishing more than once that she could just forget. But then she noticed that she was indeed slowly forgetting the details of her old life—What used to be her tutors name? Which eye color did Eliza have? How did her sister look like?—and started to despair because of it.
If she did not remember her old family, who would?
As such, she tried to recall their fading images, losing some of their features each time. Her mama's hair color had long since faded from her memory, the smile of her first father followed soon afterwards.
Memories, impressions and feelings, they were all slowly disappearing.
The human mind wasn't made to remember every little sensation. It wasn't infallible.
To stop this nightmarish process—And it was indeed nightmarish. Who would Anja be without the memories of her previous life?—she tried preserving their faces in form of drawings, but she unfortunately had no talent when it came to such arts.
Thus she continued to forget the specifics of who she once was and those who had lived at her side.
And yet, Anja had to admit that it all sounded much more dramatic than it actually was. All this information was fading very slowly and she very much doubted that she would ever truly forget where she had actually come from. The particularities might be less detailed in the future, however, they would never fully disappear.
It did not make her feel any less guilty or saddened by the fact that she was forgetting them all. That she was happier than Eliza had ever been in a world where none of them existed.
Despite the prejudices and restrictions of this century, there was still an unbelievable amount of possibilities Anja could choose from. There was no mother that tried to smoother her with worries anymore, nor a sister that burned her with the guilt thrown in her direction.
There was only Nina Lubanja Filipović, her legs and a whole world to explore.