Regina's POV during Robin's funeral

God that tombstone is ugly. He would hate it; he'd say it's too eccentric and outlandish, that he'd be fine with a stick poking out of the ground to mark his grave. I'd never let that happen. He deserves a real grave of course, but this…. God it's awful. It's huge, bigger than most in the cemetery, with these stupid decorative carvings and that ridiculously long message on the bottom, some nonsense that Snow made up for him.

It's too much, it's not him. He needed his name, Robin of Locksley, and maybe a "devoted father, loving friend and leader" along the bottom, and that would have been enough. Not quite what he wanted but, well, he can't exactly complain about it.

Ugh. Why did I think that?

I want to rip my heart out of my chest. Fuck this is unbearable. I wonder if anyone would notice if I did? Pfft probably. I'll never be alone again. I just want to be alone.

No, I want to be with Robin. This isn't fair. I want to hold his hand, to hug him, to tell him that I love him, damn it I'll never get to tell him how much I love him, how long I've always loved him.

When did I start loving him? I don't even know. How can I not know? I loved him as long as we've been in Storybrooke, I know that, but when did I know for sure? I can't believe I don't even know when I started loving him…. Oh god I'm pathetic.

I wish I was angry at you Robin, but I can't be. I can feel the anger bubbling inside me, it flashes heat across my skin, running down to my fing`ertips, but I can't direct it at you. I can't find it in myself to hate you for leaving me… I love you so much. I love you so much I feel like I'm dying. Every beat of my heart feels like a stab to my chest. Every breath I take feels more like water than air, that I might drown in my sorrow. I can do anger, I've done anger my whole life. But this… I'm broken without you.

Why did this happen? What's the point in hope and love and "pixie dust" if this is how it ends?

This is how it always ends. A brief flicker of happiness amongst a see of darkness, is it really worth it? To build yourself up to love so purely, so strongly it consumes you, just to have it ripped from you every chance you get? Of course not. Hell, maybe I won't ever get another chance. I don't want one. I can't love like this again. I don't know if it's because I'm not capable, or because I'm afraid. Maybe I'll never know. But I can't live like this.

Fuck hope. Hope is pointless, and I'm an idiot to ever think otherwise. I can't believe I was so stupid. I don't get happiness, and now I've caused so many other people misery because I dared to think I could have happiness. I'm such an idiot.

I should be the one that's dead. He doesn't deserve this. He was always too good for me, too good for everyone, but me, oh I deserve this. I deserve a lot worse than this. I would do anything to trade places with him.

I want to see his smart-ass grin – the one that always pissed me off when we met - just one last time. I'll trade all the good moments just to have him back. He doesn't need to be with me, take me instead, just let him come back for his babies. Let him be with Roland and Robyn, or whatever he'd choose to name her, he should be allowed to name her. I hate that he didn't name her. I hate everything.

I hate everything.

I hate every stupid thing that made this happen. The Underworld, Hades, Zelena, Emma and Hook. They're supposed to be my friends, my family, and they let Robin die.

I hate every person crying over Robin's grave when they did nothing to help him. God look at Emma, she's a mess. She doesn't deserve to cry over Robin. Hook, sure, but she doesn't care about Robin. All she cares about is her stupid happy ending being ruined for the first time.

Emma gets everything. Emma broke my curse. Emma took Henry from me. Emma lost Hook, but he always came back to her. I wouldn't be surprised if he found a way to crawl out of the ground and reunite himself with his true love. God they make me sick. Why does Emma get everything?

Because Emma's always the hero, even when she's not. Of course she wins.

No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I'll never win. Everyone I love dies because of me. Daniel. My father. My mother. Robin. Even Henry died because of me once. It's a curse to love me. No one should love me.

Robin loved me, god he loved me. He loved me like no one ever had, he was the only one to accept me for who I was, who never asked me to change, to become something else for him. He inspired me. But he'll never inspire me again. Because he loved me.

You suffered so much because you loved me, Robin. I didn't deserve you, not for a second, and god I was so bad for you. I took everything from you. I didn't mean to. I meant to love you. I don't know how to love without pain.

No one will ever love me again.

Why would anyone love me? It's too much to ask for love. I don't deserve it. I was always a monster, I can still feel it inside me: pure rage, pain, agony always boiling, burning, itching to be released. It never goes away.

I'll never kill the monster inside of me. No, the monster killed what was left of me. I've done too much wrong in my life, it doesn't matter how hard I try I'll never change.

I'm a villain. And villains don't get happy endings.

Shit shit calm down Mills, you're gonna burn through your gloves.