I own nothing. Janet owns everything.

Night Off-Part two

4:00 pm

"Ranger."

We were sitting on the floor with our backs up against the couch, a buffet around us.

"What, Babe?"

"Can you see through walls?"

"No."

"Can you read minds?"

"Sometimes." He smiled at this. "Sometimes I can see through your shirt."

"That doesn't count as a superpower. Can you breathe underwater?"

"No."

"Can you extend your limbs like rubber?"

"There is nothing rubbery about me."

"Heh heh heh."

"What?"

"I've seen you naked."

"Yep. Hey, Billy wants to come over and see me."

5:00 pm

"Babe, am I weird?"

"Heh, heh, he heh heh."

"No, really. You asked me about being quiet earlier in the car. Why? I'm not weird, am I?"

Ranger and I were lying on the couch watching Whose Line is it Anyway. We were on our second bowl.

"You aren't weird. You're like this..this..dark, brooding, hot, militant, regulated wet dream. But you aren't weird. Ha! Ryan Stiles is pretending to eat his own arm!"

"Good. I don't want to be weird. Wait, you think I'm a wet dream?" Ranger turned towards me. He looked hot and sexy and I had never wanted anyone so bad in my life.

"Ranger, you are so damn hot." Ranger grabbed me and kissed me before I could say 'dry mouth'. We clung to each other, hands everywhere. Billy forgotten. When he started tugging on my shirt I tensed up and pushed him away.

"Ranger, we can't."

"Babe, remember how you said this was the greatest day ever? This would be the greatest sex ever. You have no idea the things I could do to you."

"I can imagine but we can't." I was forlorn. "Because this is still book thirteen and I haven't broken up with Joe. Cindy won't let me cheat."

"Fucking Cindy."

6:00 pm

Ranger and I were huddled around the phone on the floor sitting Indian style. Ranger had his hand over his mouth.

"Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. This is Connie."

"Uh yeah. My name is Alice Cameltoe and I need some bail."

"Okay Miss Cameltoe. Are you currently is jail?"

"Yeah. My Mom should be coming to get the money in a minute."

"Okay. I'm going to need to ask you some questions about your crime. Alright?"

"Okay. But my minutes almost up."

"What are you in jail for, Alice?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Okay, We'll come back to that. Is this your first time in jail?"

"No, I have been in six times."

"Holy crap. Okay, honey, you are going to have to tell me what you are in for this time. Is it prostitution?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Yeah, I had public sex with a horse in the mall parking lot."

Silence.

"It was a dare."

"What the fuck! Joyce, is that you?"

Click.

6:10 pm

"Hello?"

"Is this Joyce Barnhardt?"

"Yes it is."

"This is Jack Kanoff with the Department of Public Health. I'm sorry to bother you but we have a report of a gas leak near your house."

"Oh shit. What do you mean a gas leak? This better not cause me any problems like death, you dip wad."

"I hope not, too, Miss. I'm going to need you to test for me to see if it got in your water system. Are you on a cordless phone?"

"Yes. Is this going to take long? I have a date in 20 minutes and he has money."

"It won't take long. I need you to go into the bathroom."

"Fine. I'm in the bathroom."

"Good. Now I need you to stick your arm into the toilet and tell me if you see any bubbles form against your skin."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. Shit. Alright, I'm putting my arm in. Christ. Yes, there are a few bubbles."

"Holy shit! Get out of your house right now! It's going to blow!"

Click

7:00 pm

Ranger and I were now outside on the fire escape, Billy resting between us. We figured the old people had lost their sense of smell. We also figured that we were invisible. Ranger had been staring at his knee for the past ten minutes.

"What are you thinking about, Ranger?"

"I have so much money."

"That rocks."

"No, you don't understand. I have so much money. I own six buildings."

"I want to own a building."

"I'll buy you one."

I thought about this. It didn't seem right. What kind of building would I get, anyway? Hold up.

"Will you buy me Victoria Secret?"

"The whole company? I don't think I have that much money."

"No, one store."

"Okay."

"How do we buy it?"

"I don't know. I'll ask my lawyer. I have a lawyer."

"I have a Twinkie."

"Holy shit, I want a Twinkie bad. I haven't had a Twinkie since……"

"Since when, Ranger?"

"What were we talking about?"

9:00 pm

"Ranger, what do you think Tank and Lula are doing?"

"Huh, doing."

"No, really."

"Babe, they are probably sitting at Tank's house stoned like we are."

I was flabbergasted. "Tank has a house?"

"Yuuuup."

"This is blowing my mind."

"You can bl-"

"So you think they are enjoying Lula's stash? Wait, but if she's with Tank then we don't know that's what they are doing. I mean, he could be totally against it and they could just be hanging out."

"Oh no. They're stoned."

I thought on this for awhile. Tank and Lula in a house. Stoned.

"Have you been to his house?"

"Many times. I painted a room."

"So you know where it is?"

"I taped it off. And then I mixed up the paint. Looong, even strokes."

"Focus, Ranger. Do you know where Tank's house is?"

"Yep."

"Can you get us there?"

"Yep."

I thought some more. Suddenly, the plan came to me. I knew what we must do to complete our evening.

"Ranger!"

"Babe."

"Get your shoes on. We are going to go toilet paper Tank and Lula!"

Ranger was quiet for a moment. His brow furrowed in concentration. "I don't think they are going to just stand there, Babe."

I stared at him. Then I started laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn't make any noise. Ranger started laughing, too. Then I was laughing because Ranger was laughing. We were laughing so hard that the only noises we could make were these odd grunts every time we tried to take a breath. When that happened, the other would point at the grunter and thrash. Ranger making a stupid comment was awesome. But Ranger laughing out of pure joy was the best thing to happen yet.

We finally calmed down when a Taco Bell commercial came on. It was then that I remembered our mission.

"Ranger, seriously we HAVE to wrap their house. I'm so good at it. What do you think?"

Ranger's faced creased into a smile. "Babe, you're right. This is the best night. I love you." And he swept me into a hug.

Ranger released me but looked thoughtful. "But we have a problem."

"Billy can't come?"

"Oh, no. Billy's coming. He'll even get a seatbelt. But, Babe, we can't drive like this."

"Can we walk? We can walk!"

"Too far."

"Ohhh." This was beyond tragic. This was devastation. But Ranger was smiling.

"Steph, do you want to see the coolest thing in the world? Watch this. I just open my phone…" Ranger dialed on his cell phone. He screwed his face into a serious one.

"Santos! We have a situation at Stephanie's apartment. I need you and Brown here in 10. No, no need for backup, but bring night vision and gear." He snapped his phone shut and broke into silent laughter. "Now watch this! They're just going to show up. Can you believe it?"

TBC…