Chapter 2: A devasted elf, reflecting on her feelings after Solas decides to reject her, leaving her heart broken, empty, alone.
"I can't... I'm sorry..."
She couldn't drive those words out of her mind, still pounding, woefully echoing.
An echo. That's all she had left of him. That mere thought sent a sharp physical pain down her throat, as if a multitude of pointed needles were scratching her from the inside of her stomach, up to the eyes, itching her nose and painfully pouring out in big drops of tears. Cold, watery eyes. Cold heart. Cold lines traced by the tears on her cheeks, exposed to the raging winds on the Skyhold ramparts. That was all she felt. Cold. Loneliness.
She had grown used to physical injuries: a sharp blade cutting her skin, wild flames burning through her clothes, a strong punch in the stomach. Bruises and wounds. She had learned to control that kind of pain because she knew it would heal, eventually.
But this... This was something that had caught her completely unprepared. Vulnerable. Defenseless. This, something she could not control. She had made a mistake. She had lowered her guard. She had exposed her truest self. Had been so fool to have fallen into a vortex of feelings that she had never experienced before, fearfully but excitedly diving into it.
Love. Protection. Reassurance. Mystery. Challenge. And he...
He had led her on, he had made her vulnerable, fragile, foolish, made her longing for him before finally putting her in the deepest state of misery.
"Please, vhenan."
Irremovable, inexorable, resolute tone. He had rejected her.
The pain was intolerable. More needles scratching her throat. More tears prickling her eyes. Panting. Cold air into the watery eyes. Luthien had found out that words could hurt more than any blade.
She had thought she was strong. She had thought that feeling like dying from... love...? only happened in sad fairy tale stories, told to give form to the foolish dreams of shallow young girls. She had thought she was self-sufficient, resourceful enough to make it on her own.
But he had proved her wrong. He had turned her into the sad heroine of one of those silly stories. Her heart was broken and she hated that.
She loved him so much she hated him.
Hate was the only defense she had left to protect herself from the sense of loss and loneliness pervading every fiber of her being. Empty. Alone. Afraid.
Would it ever go away? Would something, someone fill that dark, scary hole that was swallowing her from the inside? She could not think of anything else but... Why?
Why? She had uselessly asked him. "Because I made a mistake. Because you deserve better … Harden your heart to a cutting edge, and put that pain to good use against Corypheus."
More pain. More anger.
"You really don't let anyone see under that polite mask you wear, do you?" she had angrily asked him.
Disdain. Exasperation. The urge to hit him, to show him physically how much had he hurt her with his words.
"You saw more than most."
What? What had she seen? Had she seen the charming elf, the one that made her feel protected, challenging her with his mysterious ways, his mythical theories, his rare sensitiveness and gentle soul?
Or had she seen the deceiver, the one that had led her on, feeding her with the sweetest words, only to finally rip her heart out, without a valid explanation?
She didn't know anymore. Wasn't she worth at least that? Wasn't she worth a reason, a motivation for his decision, to put her mind at ease? Something to help her turn pain into disdain, love into hate?
He had denied her that chance too. And now she found herself still entangled in that knot of mixed feelings. Love. Hate. Misery. Anger. Resolution.
She had always been strong. She had never believed someone else could force her down on her knees, miserable, a shadow of her former self.
She had never believed to be hit where she could not set up any defense.
Standing there on the ramparts, absently gazing in the distance, far to the snowy mountains, the piercing cold winds kept blowing, carrying with them small flakes of snow. She was cold. But it was nothing compared to the coldness she felt in her heart. Standing still. Not moving. She could have stayed there forever, as everything around seemed to be falling apart, as every certainty she had had crumbled into dust, carried away by the winds, leaving Luthien as empty and alone as she had never been before.