Chapter Two

In the canteen, Rude sat across from Reno, eating a BLT while his young partner drew up a very complicated diagram detailing how he was going to break up Tseng and Elena. It occured to Rude that this was probably more paperwork than he'd done in his whole however many years at Shinra.

'Yo, Rude, how do you spell 'frig-''

Rude cut him off. 'Tseng's coming.'

Reno very quickly rolled the sheet up, then scrunched it down and shoved it into his pocket. 'Hey boss,' he said cheerfully, not sounding as though he was talking to the man whose dreams he intended to shatter.

'Hello Reno. Hello Rude. How are you two today?'

Rude grunted at him. Reno beamed at him. 'I am great, Tseng. Peachy. And you?'

Tseng wondered why Reno was acting like a psycho, then reminded himself- this was Reno. He chose to ignore him.

'Have either of you seen Elena?' he asked them.

Reno looked at him, interestedly. 'No. Why? The two of you have a fight?'

Tseng raised an eyebrow. 'No. I just wanted to make sure she got the note detailing what changes to make to her report from the visit to the reactor yesterday.'

'Screwing up her reports a lot, huh?' said Reno, sympathetically.

'Are you sure you want to go down this path, Reno?' said Tseng pointedly.

Dang. 'Okay. Well. If I see her, I'll tell her you're looking for her.'

'Thank you,' Tseng looked tired, as most people did after speaking with Reno. 'See you both later.'

Rude nodded in acknowledgement, and Reno gave him a sickening smile. Tseng blinked in alarm, but opted to get out of there quickly rather than question this.

When he was out of earshot, Rude sighed. 'Reno, you know as well as I do that Elena has a hair appointment. You've been yammering on about going to the salon after she's finished to collect up her hair for the last week.'

Reno grinned. 'It's not my fault he's a lousy boyfriend who doesn't know what his girlfriend is up to half the time. Anyway, I've gotta be off, buddy. Things to do...'

Rude closed his eyes for a moment, trying to summon some energy. 'This wouldn't involve ruining Elena's report so Tseng will get mad at her, does it?'

Reno's eyes lit up. 'I was gonna put laxatives in Tseng's coffee, but that's a great idea!' He practically danced out of the canteen. Rude closed his eyes. Oh shithe thought, not for the first time that day.

Reno snuck into Elena's office stealth style, despite the fact that no-one would question him being there, seeing as it was of course his own office too. But that didn't really fit in with the spirit of the operation, which was underhanded sneakiness, so he pressed against the wall, edging his way along it, ignoring the multitude of strange looks he was being given, before darting into the office and slamming the door behind him. Panting, despite the fact he had come from the canteen just two corridors away, he leaned against the door.

'Hey partner,' came Rude's voice, unusually cheerfully, from within the office.

Dang! 'Rude, how in hell did you get here before me?' exclaimed Reno.

'If you hadn't screwed around in the corridor for so long, you'd have made better time,' Rude pointed out, calmly.

Damn Rude and his genius logic, thought Reno, glaring at his partner. 'Whatever. Where is the report?'

Rude shrugged. 'Beats me.'

Reno, eyes still narrowed, went over to Elena's desk and began to rummage round in it. 'Lipgloss, perfume, tampons, eurghh...' he shuddered, covering the offending items with a... 'Report! Bingo!'

Reno sat at his own desk, smugly brandishing a Bic. Rude watched him, mildly amused, as he began to make his own changes to it. Jackass. Just 'cause it's a report, doesn't mean it's the report.

'Finished!' Reno declared, proudly, holding the report up. 'Ha! Tseng is gonna be so pissed off when he reads this!' He sprinted joyously from the office, presumably to deliver the document to Tseng.

Rude rolled his eyes, pulling the correct report from his own drawer. All Elena had to do was correct the spelling of one of the robots she had encountered at the Mako reactor in Gongaga. Apart from that, the report was perfect.

Tseng was somewhat surprised that evening, as he looked through his subordinate's reports, to find one from three years before, when Reno had been sent in to halt riots in Mideel. As far as he knew, this was one of the reports that Elena was transferring to the electronic system as a favour to him. He opened the folder up, eyes skimming over the content, widening at what they read. What the...

'Upon my return from Mideel, I reported to Tseng's office where we had really hot sex right on his desk. It was amazing! Kinda quick, but oh well. Tseng has such an amazing body, that more than makes up for it. Except for that weird growth thingy, you know where. But whatever. I love Tseng. I think he's just a total babe.'

Tseng's eyes narrowed. 'Reno...' he growled.

The next day at lunch, Reno was sitting at a table of secretaries from the fourtieth floor, clearly attempting to charm them, when Tseng approached the table, a slight smile on his face.

'Hey, boss!' called Reno, cheerfully.

'Reno.' Tseng placed his hand on Reno's shoulder. 'Look. I'm flattered. Really, I am. But I'm just not gay.'

The secretaries all stared at him, then at Reno, shock evident on their faces. Annoyingly for Reno, a couple of them nodded, as though it was confirming some suspicion they had. Tseng smiled again.

'I'm sorry. I did appreciate the little story you wrote, and I admit that the desk would be a fun place to have sex, but... I'm with Elena. I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends?'

Reno's mouth flapped open, staring at Tseng, who gave him a patronising little smile then walked away, grinning broadly.

One of the secretaries cleared her throat. 'Uh, Reno?' He turned to look at her, still speechless. 'Um.. I have a cousin who's... like you. I think he'd really like to meet you.'

Reno stared after Tseng, as the secretaries started to discuss various distant relations who would just adore Reno. That bastard had cut off not just Elena, but the whole female population of the freakin' building!

'Re?' one of the girls said, all sing song and cute now he'd been outed. 'I was just wondering, do these shoes go with this skirt?'

'I am going to kill him,' muttered Reno.