Chapter Two: If Only We Could Be

*BPOV*

The sound of the door being quietly shut woke me from my dreamless sleep. Leaning over and taking a deep breath, I ran my hand over his side of the bed, noticing the slight indentation in his pillow. I was glad that he hadn't stayed away all night, but was filled with sadness and regret that my actions the night before caused him to feel the need to leave before I had woken up.

He was probably beyond furious, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I deserved his anger. I needed to figure out how to give myself to James completely.

Even though I wasn't consciously allowing Edward to drive a wedge between us, the fact of the matter was that he had always been there, from day one of our relationship. Even when we were just friends, it was only because of Edward. He was always the reason for our bond.

I needed to find a way to move past that.

Regardless of the mess I'd found myself in, there was no way I was going to be able to fix this in a day, and particularly not on this day. Instead, I focused on listening to the sounds in the house. Hearing the garage door opening, I figured maybe James was leaving, but heard him pacing in the hallway a few moments later. I opted to get up and take a shower rather than face the confrontation.

Ambling into the bathroom, I leaned down to turn the nozzles on in the shower and brushed my teeth while waiting for the water to warm up. Reaching into the cabinet beside the sink, I grabbed my cleanser and lathered my face.

Stepping underneath the rain shower head, I let the wall jets soothe my tension as I swiftly washed my hair and began to lather my body with a bath sponge. Hardly believing that Alice wasn't already beating on my door, I quickly rinsed the soap from my body and added conditioner to my hair. I looked down at the tile floor and watched the suds go down the drain. If only dealing with all of my issues were as easy as washing away my pain in this steamy place of solitude, things would be so much easier.

Knowing I wouldn't have time for a long, luxurious shower that morning, I hurriedly rinsed out the conditioner and hopped out into the cool air, wrapping first my hair and then myself into towels and heading for the closet.

Settling on a chiffon top with shades of blue, pink, orange, and brown, I nodded once to myself, thinking of how proud Alice would be when she saw my choice in fashion, especially paired with the bangles she bought me on her last trip to L.A.. I outright giggled when I imagined the look on her face as she realized I was wearing beat-up, cut-off denim shorts—at least she would approve of the label. I wasn't a fashion plate by any means, but it didn't take me too long to figure out that it was easier to just wear what she suggested or bought for me, and as an added bonus, it made James happy. After getting dressed and towel drying my hair, I elected not to bother with shoes, since anything that I picked would be deemed wrong by Alice, and I was more comfortable barefoot anyway.

I looked up toward the top of my closet, gasping when I spied the large hat box that held so many of my memories… So many memories of us. Some were exquisite; full of joy and happiness, trinkets and photos, letters and other assorted items that held a piece of my heart so large it was hard to let go. Others were downright heartbreaking, so much so that I didn't think I could bear to open the box and relive them.

With a sigh, I trudged out into our bedroom and grabbed a chair so I could reach the beautiful box in question. Even standing on the chair, I still had to strain on my tip-toes. As I pulled it down, a large manila envelope marked "Confidential" fell to the floor.

For a moment, I was suspended in mid-air, teetering on the verge of falling off the chair and dropping the box. I tried to recall where I had seen that envelope before. James didn't keep any of our important papers just lying around—they were all in a safe at his office. A quick flash hit me, and I realized exactly where I had seen the envelope before. Almost laughing at myself, again, I remembered that it was no big deal, just some paperwork James' best friend, Laurent, had needed kept safe.

I recalled him giving James the envelope on the evening we went out for a fancy dinner last Valentine's Day with Laurent and his girlfriend, Victoria. I mentally reminded myself that I probably should tell James where it was in case he was looking for it.

Getting down from the chair, I held the large box precariously in my hands. I didn't want to look in it, but I felt like today, of all days, I really needed to touch something that Edward had, even if I knew it wouldn't make him come back to me. I'd still feel closer to him.

The familiar scent assaulted me as soon as I pried the box open, bringing with it swatches of the past. I carefully picked up the football jersey and placed it beside me. I held my breath as I lifted the newspapers and magazine clippings and went straight for the happier contents below.

As I gazed at all of the memorabilia that chronicled my youth and my life with Edward, I recognized that maybe that day was not the right day to reminisce after all. Alice would be there soon and James could have walked in at any moment. Reverently, I put everything back into the box, just as it had been.

Whatever closure I had hoped to find in the pile of tickets, jewelry, pressed flowers, and everything else, wasn't going to come for me, that morning… or ever, really. I was deluding myself by thinking that I kept all of those relics of my former life for Gracie's sake, when in all honesty, I was simply hoping to relive my stupid fantasies of the life I thought I would have. The life I was supposed to have…

The life that I would never have again.

Shaking my head forcefully and taking a deep breath, I held back the tears that I could not allow to come. I was determined to go downstairs and make things right with my husband.

Sighing, I replaced the lid on the box after lovingly caressing the name "Cullen" emblazoned on the back of the jersey once more. I put the envelope from Laurent back on top of the box before replacing it on the top shelf of the closet—I didn't want James to question my motives for looking in the box, especially after the night before. I lugged the chair back in place before padding out of the room, down the stairs, and toward the kitchen.

Common sense told me that when I walked into the kitchen he wasn't going to let go of what had happened the night before, and I honestly couldn't say that I blamed him. The tension in the air, thick and oppressive, hung like a heavy weight around my shoulders as I shuffled over to him, looking down at my feet as I walked. I leaned against him, pressing my chest to his back and wrapping my arms around him as he stood, facing the counter.

Trying to formulate the words in my mind that would free me from the immeasurable guilt I was feeling as well as dissipate the anger I could still feel emanating from him, I tiptoed up and pressed my lips to the nape of his neck. He quickly turned around, glaring at me as he shuffled away, pushing slightly on my arm in an effort to distance himself further. Wincing at his contact, I stood there, stunned.

He didn't want me to touch him.

Desperately, I tried to think back to the last time things were like that, coming up short. To be honest, things had never been like that. I had always held back with him, even if it was subconsciously, but it was never like that. Wanting to move on and leave the past behind me, to give myself completely to my husband as he did to me, I grew frustrated.

Perhaps that was what had been bringing on all of the stress lately; I had been thinking about him too much. And James was right; there was nothing I could do to make him come back to me. I had to move on. I had to do something.

There were periods of time when I felt the need for Edward more strongly than other times. Like around Gracie's birthday, or his birthday. Around the holidays: Christmas, Arbor Day, any of them really. The 15th of every month. Thursdays. First thing in the morning...

Who was I kidding? At any given time, he invaded my thoughts, though I honestly tried not to let him.

But for some reason lately, it seemed like the connection that I had been clinging to so tightly was trying to renew itself. Like my heart knew I was trying to let go and move on, but was just holding on with every breath I had, every ounce that I possessed. My heart, my body, my mind, my very soul… I didn't want to let go.

Shaking myself mentally, I glanced down at the grocery list James had been jotting down. In just a few hours, practically every person we knew would be there for the barbeque. I felt sick knowing that everyone, especially all of the Cullens, would see James in this state of distress. I had to fix it.

Just as I was about to turn to him, to say anything to explain, to try and make him understand that I didn't mean it, I heard the soft padding of feet and saw a head full of bronze ringlet curls coming around the island. James' face quickly morphed from one of absolute disgust toward me into one of pure delight at the sight of her.

"Mama!" she squealed as she ran past me to jump into James' arms. "Jamie!" Her complete adoration of him was apparent as she pressed her tiny hands to his face and nuzzled his nose with hers. The way they loved each other was absolutely endearing. It caused my heart to tug at the sight, guilt rising at how much I had hurt someone who loved my daughter as purely and deeply as he did. "What's up, Emmy Bear?" James sang to her as her hugged her tightly to his chest and pulled back to look into her face, beaming. "What are we having for breakfast this morning?"

Her response was almost immediate. "Cereal!" She was so exuberant, always so happy and carefree. That's how any normal three-year-old would be, I guessed. She hopped down from his grip after planting kisses all over his face. He laughed as she tugged him by the hand toward her booster seat at the table.

Grabbing at my belt loops, pulling me closer for a quick peck as he passed by me, his voice was softer, gentler as he leaned down to whisper in my ear. "We'll talk later. It'll be okay, Bella." He paused for the briefest of moments before continuing, "We'll be okay. There just need to be some changes around here. Please." He looked down at me, his piercing blue eyes pleading with me as he searched my face.

I nodded in acknowledgment. "I know. And James, I really am…sorry," I whispered.

Words were escaping me at that moment. How could I apologize to him, really? I had practically called out another man's name while in bed with my husband. There weren't words. Nothing could absolve me. I knew what the outcome of our talk would be—the same as ever. He would suggest counseling again before pleading for us to have another child. He would remind me that I needed to list the apartment for sale, and ask me to stop having lunch with them so frequently.

He would beg me to try.

I was so sick and tired of trying. It wasn't helping; nothing I could do would make me forget. I didn't want to forget. Why couldn't anyone understand that?

It wasn't that I didn't want to get on with my life and start living again; I did. I wanted to get back to the real-life version of myself, but I didn't know how to do that. Logically, I knew that Edward wasn't supposed to be the most important person in my life anymore, but he was all I'd ever known. Though I knew James loved me completely and was utterly devoted to us, I was afraid that it would never be enough.

I realized that it wasn't fair of me to deny James access to my whole heart, and I was hindering his ability to be the man he was meant to be, completely adored by his family. I wanted to be able to talk about it and figure out a way for us to be everything I knew we could be. All it would take was me finally letting go of the past and no longer holding on to the future that I would never have with Edward.

I just- couldn't. I couldn't let go. But I couldn't keep holding on. I was truly in limbo.

James helped Gracie into her booster seat and turned on the television before walking over to the counter to get out a bowl for her cereal. "Would you like some fruit, Emmy?" he asked. James always adored calling her Emmy; I wasn't sure if it was because he didn't like the name Emma-Grace since it was a reminder of Emmett's— or rather Edward's—role in her life, or if he truly just wanted a pet name for my daughter. He had known her since before she was born. He was in love with her the moment he looked at her.

"Jamie, please can I have some watahmellon?" she looked up at him from under her lashes. It was staggering to me how much she looked like her father. And though she would never meet him and had never been influenced by him, she had so many of his mannerisms. It was downright uncanny.

James walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out the enormous watermelon. "What are you doing?" I asked him, shocked. "That watermelon is for the barbeque." I turned to face Gracie as I heard Spongebob Squarepants begin blasting from the television "Bring it around town!" I huffed in exasperation. "Gracie, that's for this afternoon, at the party. We can't have a Memorial Day party without a watermelon, can we, Sweetie? Would you like some strawberries? Or a banana?"

James grinned wickedly at her over my shoulder. "Emmy, what kind of fruit do you want, baby? Since Mommy doesn't want us to cut the watermelon…" I knew that he would give her anything she wanted, barbeque plans be damned. I grabbed the list from the counter and walked over to the island, waiting for Gracie to select her fruit.

"Nanas," she replied with a nod of her head. It irked me a little bit that she became so baby-fied when she talked to him. Around everyone else, including me, Gracie was so independent and tried to act grown-up. Her behavior with James was a different story entirely. She had him wrapped around her finger and knew it, without a doubt.

Grabbing a banana from the counter, James began peeling it before starting to cut it into small pieces. "Sweetheart, would you please write down charcoal on the list?" He seemed to be going back to normal with me. It was a bit unnerving that he could go from raging and guilt-inducing to sweet and loving with just the flick of a switch.

I jotted down his request and made a few more additions to the list. I knew that Alice would be there early to help get everything set up, and I wanted to have as much out of the way as possible before she arrived.

"Emmy," James began, "you know what I think will be fun today at the barbeque?"

She looked up at him from her seat, giggling and bouncing. "What?"

"How about we throw Mommy in the pool?"

I groaned and hit my head with my palm. "Gracie, you wouldn't do that to Mommy, would you?"

She flashed me a wicked grin that was so reminiscent of her father, it took my breath away.

Glancing out the windows, my mind instantly took me back to one of the many times I'd helped Alice with a pool party.

It was years ago, maybe five or six years prior. We'd had a barbeque at Carlisle and Esme's house in celebration of the end of summer. Emmett burned the steaks a little because he was so wrapped up in Rose and totally not paying attention to the meat on the grill.

The guys all decided to play football and the girls were just sitting around, watching. I decided to be more productive and started to pick up cups and bring the leftovers inside the house. I was barefoot and walking on the grass. I still remember exactly what it felt like, the lush blades of grass tickling between my toes.

Edward called out to me as they were forming a huddle, and I walked over, curious.

Brow furrowed, his long, lean chest bare, he placed his hand on my shoulder when I stood next to him. Reaching around my back and circling his arms around my waist, he pulled me in front of him so that I was in the middle of the huddle. I leaned up on my tiptoes as he bent down slightly to gently press his lips to mine before murmuring in a low and dangerously seductive tone, "Baby, is there something you need to tell me?"

I had no idea what he was talking about. Perplexed, I replied, "Uh…um, no? Is there something I was supposed to tell you?" Watching as my fingers traced along his jaw, down his neck and chest, ending just above his waistband, I smiled. No question about it, Edward Cullen was a fine specimen of man. His chiseled muscles were accentuated with a light sheen of sweat from the game, green eyes sparkling like jewels, and when he looked down at me with his trademark smolder, I practically melted.

He responded so softly, I almost had to strain to hear his voice, even though he was right in front of me. "Bella, I want to know if there is some reason you aren't watching us play. Has looking at me become boring to you?"

I scoffed at him. "No, Edward, there isn't a reason," I retorted, rolling my eyes. "I just thought that while you boys are out here carousing around, I would do something constructive so that when the time is right..." I stopped speaking to plant a searing kiss on his lips, moving an errant strand of damp hair from his sweaty forehead before I lowered my voice and continued. "We can get the fuck outta here and go home to finally be alone."

From his answering smirk, he knew what I was doing: trying to distract him so we could just go home already.

Emmett let out a guffaw as he clapped Edward on the shoulder. "Sounds like your little lady here is awfully hot, Eddie. Wonder if there's anything we could do to help her cool down so she doesn't interfere in our game?"

Edward shot him a wicked grin and nodded. "I think there is Em," he replied before tightening his grip on me and lightly kissing my lips.

Shaking my head in protest, I tried backing away from him, but I was unfortunately still in the middle of the huddle. Everywhere I turned there were sweaty guys blocking my escape. Finally, Emmett just leaned down and scooped me up, cradling me with one arm underneath my knees and the other under my shoulder blades.

I squealed, kicking my feet and begging Edward to help me. He just laughed and said he couldn't wait for me to be all wet. All wet… That meant...

Oh, fuck…

I screamed for Jasper to come to my rescue. "Jasper! Please, help me!"

Jasper just stood there and laughed, shaking his head. "He's right, Bells. You do need to cool off a bit. In fact, I think…"

I didn't hear what Jasper thought because at that very moment, Edward grabbed my ankles as Emmett put his huge hands under my arms. I shrieked as they swung me out and threw me into the pool.

A delicate tinkling of laughter brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see Gracie feeding James little pieces of fruit and cereal. He grinned at her, his mouth agape, begging for more Cheerios.

Taking in the scene in front of me, I laughed quietly at them, and also a little bit at the memory. I missed spending time with everyone; they had been such a huge part of my life since my childhood. Now it seemed that our contact was strained whenever we had a big get-together like this.

They all tried, really hard, for my sake, to welcome James into their family. Carlisle and Esme especially went out of their way, inviting us over frequently and including James in all of their family traditions. Carlisle had even persuaded James to play a few rounds of golf with him on several occasions. In spite of all their efforts, James never seemed to fully accept them.

Nevertheless, I was grateful for their insistence in making him a part of their lives. Especially considering that it was their son I should have been married to, their son that I should have been sitting beside, and their son that my daughter should have been feeding her cereal to.

But that would never be.

Edward was gone, and there was nothing that any of us could do about it, no matter how much any of us wished to change the circumstances. It was all overwhelming, and it didn't get better. They knew it and felt it too, yet they were gracious and always beyond hospitable.

Once again, I was brought out of my musings by the sound of laughter. This time it was James who was chuckling at Gracie. I glanced at my watch before calling out, "James, Alice didn't call yet by any chance, did she?"

He looked at me with a strange expression on his face. "Bella, you know she would call your cell phone. She hasn't called as far as I know."

It was odd that Alice hadn't called yet; she was always beyond punctual. I decided not to give it too much thought—she was probably stuck in traffic. Still, it was out of the ordinary that she hadn't called to tell me she was okay.

Walking back to the kitchen counter, I picked up my purse, digging around for my cell phone. Dead. "Great," I muttered as I searched for the charger.

James rolled his eyes before saying, "Bella, I'm sure nothing is wrong. Believe me, Alice would find a way to get in touch with you if anything important came up that would interfere with your plans."

Alice and James got along well enough, but James really hadn't ever gotten over what happened at our wedding, just ten months ago. Alice cried the whole time during the ceremony, if you could call it that. Emmett didn't even come, citing having to work as his excuse. I knew their lack of enthusiasm over our marriage had a lot to do with the strain that was hindering James' relationship with the Cullens.

Still, I would always be grateful for everything they'd done to welcome him into their ranks. I knew without a doubt that one day Gracie would be, too.

"Mama, what am I gonna wear today?" Gracie called out to me from the table, where she was still eating.

I thought about it for a second before answering her. "Gracie, remember Aunt Alice is bringing you a new swimsuit for the barbeque. You can put whatever you want on until she gets here. Finish your breakfast, and I'll help you get ready if Aunt Alice doesn't get here soon. Okay, sweetness?"

Seemingly satisfied with that answer, she nodded and turned her attention back to the television.

James got up front he table and walked to me. "Bella, you know we're going to have to talk about this. I'd prefer to do it before his entire family gets here," he said quietly, so Gracie couldn't hear us.

Not knowing what to say, I tried to think of anything I could do to redeem myself, eventually deciding to just go with an apology and telling him the truth. Well, at least the version of the truth I was willing to share. "James, I don't know what happened. It isn't what you think. I love you, I wasn't really thinking about hi-" He pressed his lips to mine, cutting off my ramblings.

"Bella, I told you before we got married that I would wait for you. I'd wait forever if that's what you need. I meant it," he murmured as he traced my lower lip with his thumb. "But we got married. You made a commitment to me. You already know what I want. I don't know what else we can do, but Bella, I am begging you—things have got to change. We're going to start trying to have a baby soon, and I want to renew our vows, in front of everyone. In a church."

He paused for a moment, seemingly searching for the words that would magically fix everything in our relationship. I wanted him to find them, too. "Ba- Bella, sweetheart, please make this," he motioned between us and around the kitchen toward Gracie, "about us. Our family. Me, you, and Gracie." He looked at me pleadingly before continuing with renewed determination. "And, Bella, you are selling that apartment."

Shaking my head and closing my eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath, I looked him square in the eyes. "James, we are not having a baby right away. We've been all over this. We don't need to keep talking about it." He shook his head and opened his mouth to argue, but I cut him off, "Why? Why do we need to have a baby so soon? Why do we need to renew our vows when we've been married less than a year?" I implored before responding to his last request. "And I am not selling the apartment."

He growled back at me. "Damn it Bella, I haven't been pushing you for what I want in our relationship, have I? I've been nothing but patient. But after last night, I'm telling you right now, things are going to change. You already know why I want to renew our vows. We got married so quickly, on the fucking Fourth of July at a family barbeque, with my friend as our officiant. My parents weren't even there, Bella. It was so rushed. Emmy wants to wear a pretty dress. I want you to be happy about being with me."

Opening my mouth to respond, I was interrupted when he held his hand up, gazing at me with a look of utter determination on his face. "Bella, she's getting older every day. If we don't have a baby soon, she isn't going to be close to her little brother or sister. You don't want her to be an only child, do you?" I shook my head at him before he continued. "Just think about it."

Though he had brought this up to me so many times, even before we got married, I hadn't really considered the impact my repeated refusal of his request was having on Gracie. By holding out, basically for no reason other than my refusal to move on, I was denying my daughter the chance to be a sister.

If there was one thing I knew, it was that Edward would want his daughter to have a sibling. The bonds he shared with his siblings were something so precious to him. Was I right to keep denying my daughter this?

I am so sick. I thought about the new level of pathetic I had reached. Finally deciding to have a baby with my husband because Edward, who I would never see again, would want his daughter, who would never meet him, to have a brother or sister. Maybe I did need to go back to therapy. Ugh. Like that would help.

"James, I promise, I will think about having a baby," I muttered. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me that this was a fight that I would not win. I continued, "But under no circumstances whatsoever will I concede this: I am not selling the apartment. It belongs to me… and Gracie. She might want it someday."

He threw the towel in his hands on the counter-top. "That's not up for discussion anymore, Bella, but we don't have time to talk about it today, sweetheart." He leaned down and rubbed his lips against mine before tilting his head kissing me deeply. He traced his hand up my arm before cupping my jaw and threading his fingers in my hair. He had always been so affectionate, so loving with me.

Could I keep doing this? Standing here in this kitchen with this man, wishing that I was standing with a different man, anywhere else? It was wrong on so many levels. James was a good man, successful, doting, not to mention he was gorgeous. Any woman would be lucky to be with him. He took care of me, and he cherished my daughter as if the entire universe revolved around her. Was it so much for my husband to ask me to let go of the past and honor the commitment I had already given to him?

Mulling this over, I continued to kiss my husband there in our kitchen, the sunlight streaming through the windows, warming us. James' lips were so gentle, so tender against my own. I could feel the pleading, the almost begging, in his touch.

The fact of the matter was that I could not continue to live my life like this. He isn't coming back. Edward isn't coming back to me. Edward Cullen is not coming back to me. I repeated this in my head over and over again, a mantra.

Trying to make the thoughts infiltrate my mind and my heart, I shook my head slightly. God knows my body felt his absence, every single day. I felt the tears starting to form beneath my closed eyelids and could not keep them from spilling out.

James pulled back slightly and brushed his thumbs along my cheek, sweeping away the tears. "Bella, please. Please," he whispered. He tilted his head down again and pressed his body closer to mine before encompassing my lips with his. This time, his kiss seemed more urgent, more desperate. Threading my hands into his hair and pulling him closer, I tried to pour the emotion that I was feeling back into him, as well.

Pulling back slightly and murmuring against my lips as one of his hands stroked down my arm, he grabbed my hand. "Please, baby, just let me in…" I jerked my head back and looked into his eyes, shaking my head almost imperceptibly. I could not believe he called me that.

He pulled me back to him, hard. "Let me in, Bella. Fuck, you're my wife. I love you. I need you."

Unable to say what he needed to hear in that moment, I instead leaned up on my tip toes and pulled him down slightly, again firmly pressing my lips to his. I wanted to hold on to him so tight that it would be enough. Could James want me enough to make me forget?

Suddenly, I heard his cell phone ringing. James groaned before saying, "I have to take this, sweetheart, I'll just be a moment."

As I heard him whispering on the phone, I thought about one of the many times Edward and I talked about kids. It was always wistful and so optimistic. We both knew we would have kids eventually and the thought seemed to excite Edward, even when we were just kids ourselves.

"Bella, when we have a son, I hope he has your beautiful brown eyes." He chuckled before continuing, "but God, please let him have my coordination, baby."

I giggled back at him—it was ridiculous that he would want our son to look like me. "Well I hope that all of our kids look just like you, Edward. You're beautiful. I hope our daughter has your hair, but ringlet Shirley Temple curls. And your eyes. Of course, your eyes."

I got what I wanted. Emma-Grace Anne Cullen was without a doubt her father's daughter.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the bowl crashing to the floor. "Grandpa!" Gracie squealed, clapping her hands and pointing at the TV. "Mama, look, Grandpa's on TV!"

I swiveled around to look at the television and was shocked to see a picture of Carlisle on CNN. Immediately feeling a sickening sense of foreboding, I wondered what in the hell Carlisle was doing on the news. I had talked to Esme just the day before. Nothing could be wrong, could it?

Oh God, please, please, don't let anything be wrong.

Taking deep breaths that didn't seem to fill my lungs or give me enough air, I quickly tried to push down the memories that started to swirl around from the last time I saw Carlisle's face on the news.

"…the reports are unconfirmed at this point, Nicki," the news anchor said. "But it was assumed for years that there were no survivors in the crash. Allegedly, Edward Cullen, son of CEO Carlisle Cullen, has been found alive and well in a remote Alaskan town. Reports are not in at this time as to what his condition is or exactly where he was located. Be sure to stay tuned to CNN for the latest coverage of this incredible story as we will bring more details."

A flash of light… The sight of burning fuselage… Edward's face flickering across the screen… Blackness, darkness.

The last thing I remember before I crashed to the floor was a loud banging at the door.

Alice...