Chapter Two

"So I'm sure you are a very nice girl, Lexie. But I hope you can understand. You're not a girl I ever wanted to have to know." –Meredith Grey

"I never wanted a sister."

She had said those words more than once. Five years ago, those words were her automatic response to everything that went wrong, every headache or problem that came her way. Because somehow, even after all of the losses she'd suffered, even after all the stupid mistakes she had made, the biggest disaster in Meredith's life seemed to be that girl, that girl who had been dropped into her world, like a bomb ready to explode. That girl with the bright eyes and the ready smile who had hit on Derek in a bar, her bar. Suddenly, she was everywhere.

She was Christina's new intern, Alex's occasional girlfriend. Hell, she'd even become George's roommate, giving him adorable little pep talks and puppy dog eyes. And though she fumbled and stuttered like a scared child on occasion, she was still smart and she had a father at home who loved her... and a mother who had loved her too. She was a reminder of everything that Meredith had missed out on, a bright and shiny reminder of everything she could have had.

Lexie Grey… Little Grey, they called her.

Meredith sighed and glanced up at Dr. Wyatt. It had been a long time since she'd visited here, the quiet office with the fish tank she so loved to stare at. Derek had made the appointment himself. He'd pushed gently and for once she'd been too exhausted to push back.

Dr. Wyatt didn't speak. Her hand was poised over her notebook, ready to jot down yet another one of Meredith's personal tragedies. But this one felt different somehow, more immediate, more confounding. Because honestly, Meredith no longer knew what to feel. Sadness yes, but anger, hatred, guilt, those were also on the table, one big mix of messy emotions she didn't know how to absorb.

"I never wanted a sister," she repeated those words one more time, testing how they sounded. It had been so long since she'd actually said them.

"But you got one…"

Dr. Wyatt's gaze was steady. She tilted her head to one side, indicating that they'd settled in now. Neither of them was going anywhere for awhile.

"Yeah…" Meredith looked down, wishing she could be anywhere else. "Yeah I did."

"Get out of the way!"

Meredith raced beside a gurney, her interns buzzing with nervous excitement. Silently, she cursed them. This poor patient… what bad luck to arrive here today, with all these fresh faces eager for carnage. A woman with no arm… this was the stuff they'd talk about later, the kind of case they'd tell their other intern buddies about. Oooh, look what I got to see on my first day. You got stitches… I got a woman with no arm. No freaking arm!

"Are-Are you Meredith Grey?"

Meredith nearly ran over the intern who had suddenly appeared in her path. Where had she come from anyway? And what the hell was she thinking standing in the doorway in the middle of an emergency?

"Yeah."

Meredith's response was automatic. Her eyes darted around the obstacle, searching for someone who could drag this random intern away. Where the hell was her resident?

"I'm-I'm Lexie." The girl stumbled over her words, her voice rising with nervous excitement.

"Great."

Meredith tried to be polite. She suddenly had a flash to what her first day had been like. Insane, crazy, terrifying. She was sure she'd done something at least as stupid as this. But still… This was an emergency and emergencies required focus, speed. This was so not the time for smiley-faced introductions.

"Move!" Meredith finally barked. But the girl just stood there, frozen in place.

"Lexie Grey…"

The name didn't register and Meredith was quickly losing her patience. She was just about to shove the intern aside, when the second part came.

"I'm your sister."

Meredith's racing mind slammed to a halt.

Lexie Grey… She stared at her, trying to grasp exactly what she was saying. Lexie Grey?

Meredith blinked, finally taking a moment to look at the girl. She was dressed in scrubs, one of those ugly yellow gowns draped across her. And she was pretty, the kind of pretty that guys were instantly drawn to. Nice smile… no tortured look in her eyes.

Meredith could already see it. There was a gentle sweetness there, a naiveté that allowed her to stand in the middle of an emergency, in the middle of Meredith's world, and make an introduction like this.

"Meredith!"

Someone was calling her name now. And her patient was bleeding. And this girl… there was no way that this girl was her sister.

"Get out of my way."

Meredith did her best to keep her tone even, but there was no hiding her disdain. There was no pretending that she was happy about any of this. Lexie's face fell and finally, mercifully, she seemed to remember where she was. All around her people were shouting, unable to figure out what the hold up was.

"I'm-I'm sorry."

She quickly stepped aside and Meredith pushed past her. Thankfully, a team was already waiting in the emergency room. They formed a circle around the patient as the eager interns surged forward, hoping for a better look…. All except Lexie.

Meredith glanced back one more time, eyeing this new intruder. Now that the commotion had moved inside, no one seemed to notice the lone figure in the doorway. The girl stood there, head down, clearly embarrassed about what she'd just done.

Lexie Grey… Meredith quickly shifted her focus back to the patient, wondering if this woman's bad luck was catching. Meredith didn't need this. Here was one more complication, one more mess in an already messy life. The words formed in her head almost immediately and she whispered them for the first time under her breath, even as chaos swirled all around her.

"I never wanted a sister."

Derek Shepherd had watched her from across the cafeteria numerous times. Years before, back when their relationship had seemed so forbidden, he'd walked in and spotted her instantly, then tried in vain to look somewhere else. She'd always been with her friends anyway, chatting quietly with Christina or laughing with Izzie and George, then Alex and Lexie, and all the others who'd come and gone.

But now Meredith sat there quietly by herself, a lone figure at a tiny table in the corner.

He wished he could help her. His fingers were practically shattered, but somehow he'd come out of the crash better than she had. He had nightmares but at least he slept. Meredith, on the other hand, she never seemed to stop. She wandered the house at all hours, never returning to their bed. He'd found her in the kitchen this morning, slumped over the table next to an empty fruit bowl.

Lexie hated apples… he remembered that now. He'd spotted a half-dozen of them in the trashcan this morning. But he'd left it alone. He hadn't wanted to provoke his wife, not right before her doctor's appointment.

"Hey."

He approached slowly, afraid he might startle her. But Meredith barely acknowledged his presence. She was dressed in her usual scrubs, but her hair had fallen into her face and her expression was unreadable.

"How'd it go with Dr. Wyatt?"

She raised an eyebrow and he instantly realized that he'd made a mistake. He should have started with a less daunting subject. But there was no longer any room to ask about lunch choices, or joke about the latest hospital gossip. He wasn't even back to work yet. He'd just stopped by for his physical therapy.

"She said I'm fine."

Meredith's response was quick and to the point. Her armor was up and Derek knew she was lying.

"Really? She said that?"

"Yeah, she did." Meredith had easily picked up on his skepticism. She was getting all prickly again. This had become a fairly common occurrence now. Maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was all of those memories she still couldn't face.

"Why?" she asked. "Are you a therapist, Derek?"

"No, right now I'm barely a doctor," he said patiently. He lifted his arm a few inches, the sling limiting his range of motion. "But I am still your husband and I'm worried about you."

"There's nothing to worry about," Meredith let out a sigh then stabbed at her salad. He could see her struggling to keep her irritation in check. "I'm fine. No lasting injuries and I'm cleared to be back here. So I'm fine."

"Then why did I find all those apples in our trash this morning?"

Meredith's head shot up. She knew she'd been caught.

"Maybe I don't like apples either," she finally mumbled. "That is possible. Maybe apple hatred just runs in the family."

"Or maybe you're just not ready to let go."

Meredith let her fork drop to her plate. Derek knew he was wading into dangerous territory. But he was tired of being ignored. He was tired of waking up every morning alone. She was grieving, yes, but he hadn't expected to see these flashes of anger, especially not the ones directed at him. Maybe he was just the closest target, but it still hurt all the same.

"Did you tell the doctor about Lexie?"

"She already knows about Lexie," Meredith said stiffly. "Everybody in the hospital knows about Lexie. When a plane falls on you, people tend to remember that."

Derek knew this routine. Meredith wanted to shock him, to get him to step back so she could distance herself. But instead of reacting, he simply repeated the question.

"Did you tell the doctor how hard it's been without her?"

"No," Meredith picked up her fork again. "I told Dr. Wyatt I never wanted a sister. And then we sat in silence for forty five minutes."

"You told her that you never wanted a sister?"

Meredith was upping her game, trying to provoke him. Derek knew her words were technically true. In the beginning, Meredith really hadn't wanted Lexie. But that had changed. Everything about their relationship had changed. And she knew that. She had to know that, right?

"That's such utter BS, Meredith."

Derek's patience was running thin.

"You loved that girl. You loved Lexie."

"Of course I did." Meredith finally looked at him, really looked at him for the first time that day. There was so much sadness buried in all of that anger. "But I never asked for this. I didn't ask for any of this."

It wasn't fair really. She struggled so much to open up to people. And now she had, she'd actually opened up to someone in her screwed up family, and this had happened.

"Do you know how much easier it would have been if she'd never shown up?" Meredith asked, the pain clear in her eyes. "She'd be alive and I-"

"You what?" Derek cut her off gently. "You wouldn't be feeling like this?"

He reached out across the table, taking her hand.

"Meredith, this is a process. There's no getting around it. You're grieving."

He knew she hated that word, but it seemed fairly accurate.

"You are grieving because you had a sister, a kind, wonderful sister who you loved. And now she's gone. And you can't change that. None of us can."

Meredith pulled her hand away slowly.

"Yeah, I know."

For just a moment, he'd pushed through all that pain and resentment. He'd found her, he'd grabbed hold of her. But now he could see her retreating again.

"I know Lexie's gone," she said bitterly. "I was in the forest, remember? And I was there when they buried her. I know exactly what her gravestone says and I could find that patch of grass in my sleep."

"Meredith-"

"No."

She stood up. She was done with this, he could tell, done with everybody's sad eyes, their constant reminders of everything she had lost.

"I've got a shift in the pit and you, you've got to pick up Zola because Lexie's not around to help babysit anymore. Because she's gone Derek, just like you said."

Meredith dropped her tray onto the table. The clatter filled the entire cafeteria and a few people turned to look. But Meredith didn't even care anymore.

She simply turned and walked away.

Well thanks for reading Chapter Two! This is certainly one of the shortest chapters, but I just wanted to give you a sense of how the book will go. The flashbacks will definitely get longer moving forward (and many of them will stand apart from the show). And yes, it will get a little brighter as we go along, promise. :) In the meantime, if you'd like to leave a review, I'd appreciate it!