Existing in a Train Wreck
Enter: The Train Wreck
Read: The Jagged edges of a thousand shattered memories

"So what if people call you Faery?" He sat on the bench, and I sat by his feet, more content to disrupt pedestrians with my legs stretched out in front me. He nudged me gently with his knee, a small, strange sort of affection. "Didn't you know? Faery's are the most beautiful of all beings. They glow"

Riku wasn't a faery. Sometimes, when the sun was rising, the light would seem to reflect from his hair, and his hair would sort of glow like it was now, however Riku was not a –well of course he's not a fairy what?

It was too early, Axel couldn't make sense of his brain and he couldn't make sense of why Riku was standing there, at eight O'clock in the morning, in his dorm room snarling at him, and he sure as hell couldn't make sense of why he was thinking of him as a god damn faery. Axel grabbed a half empty pack of smokes off the floor beside his bed, writhing his body around in an attempt to fit his hands into his all to tight jean pockets to retrieve his lighter. He absently took in the feeling of self-disgust for a moment, the stench of bong water and what he could only imagine be the unique scent of "Ke$ha" assaulting his only mildly clogged sinuses

Upon further inspection Riku looked tired He looked tired, angry and beautiful. He looked like he'd been kissing heroine, eyes adorned with blood-red intensity around his irises and decorative bruise-like crescent moons underneath them. He'd clearly been up all night, but his body was stiff with rage.

"She was Kairi's cousin you fucking idiot!" Axel jolted at the sound of Riku's voice, inhaling deeply as he lit his cigarette letting it hang from his mouth as his memory stirred up an expressionless brunette that tasted like sulfur, no name came to mind, but she certainly wasn't the sweet slightly tomboyish likes of Kairi's cousin.

"Olette?"

"You slept with Olette too?!" Riku's voice let out in a howl, he threw his arm back, but as if not knowing what to do with it, whether to throw something or beat his friend, his friend who was clearly the most masochistic- he dropped his hand with a sigh, grinding his teeth together in thought

"No." Axel stared a head of him, green eyes dark, getting darker every day. Riku knew. Riku noticed, he's always seen it, it had been growing and growing but it did not give Axel the right to do what he was doing, Riku reminded himself firmly.

"This has to stop. I thought this stopped?" Axel swallowed, his mouth tasting like sulfur, his mouth tasting like something he didn't want to remember.

"You know she was the girl who- Just, fuck Axel, why do you do this?"
He was tired because of Kairi, Kairi was upset because of me. again. Axel recognized this, the thought came clearly to his mind, but nothing stirred, no feeling of remorse, no guilt for hurting a nearly life long friend ship over and over again. The only thought he could hold onto was the one reminding him how good his shower felt.
how good being clean would feel.
but he'd never be clean again, not really. Blood didn't just wash of your hands.
Just like empty spaces in your heart don't magically fill.

"You lead people on Axel, you manipulate everyone for your own fucking gain." A bitter taste rose in Axel's throat, he couldn't find the room to care about his long time friends. He knew the people he'd fucked around with had understood- this was what we were doing, I'd use you, you'd use me. Companionship, The necessity of human interaction that's all it was. It had to have been perfectly obvious. He had made it perfectly obvious.
I love you can be the most deceitful of words.

"could any of them really think I loved them?" he asked, the idea swelling inside of him as he thought back on previous 'relationships' he had been called a number of things at the end of each one, neurotic, psychotic, emotionally retarded, and it was true. He knew that, so he never argued it, and that's why he was suddenly pissed off. suddenly, his body was coursing with fire as he thought back on every single person he had stepped on "Did they really think they could meet my ideals?" Axel chuckled humorlessly, more of a scoff than a laugh, a mockery. "Did they really think I could want them?" His voice faded away tentatively, he squared his jaw and stared at something on the wall that may very well never have existed.

"Even if I feel a small guilt, and sometimes wished it could have been, because I live a lonely life you know?" His lips twitched, eyebrow furrowing as he forced past the instinct of just shutting up. Of just protecting his own as and just leaving, but he swallowed the thick lump in his throat and continued on. "When something traumatic happens, you adapt or you die. I'm not saying I adapted well, but I damn well adapted Riku. I did my fucking best." With that Axel could fight his natural instinct no more he stood abruptly grabbing only his smokes and lighter as he got up and walked past Riku into the bathroom into safety locking the door with a sense of finality that echoed through the small dorm room like a gunshot.
bang bang, guns go bang.

Riku left the dorm room with a small guilt, just like Axel's.
He shouldn't feel guilty, he reasoned with himself, but it was true, Axel was adjusting the best he could. No one lost a loved one and was just fine the next day.
Every one loved Saix, Saix was a great guy, But Axel and Saix were like a force of there own, they were somehow connected in a way that almost scared Riku.

Having known Axel most of his life, Riku had bore witness to the aftermath of Axel more than once. From bad Relationships, to popping pills like fucking breath mints Riku had seen it all.
From the bloody hole axel had scratched into his arm one night, looking as if struck by necrosis as it healed, Axel wincing when it pulled the wrong way, but otherwise ignoring it, covering up with a well-worn pair of grey arm warmers.
Riku had seen it all, and how it was slowed down, to the point of barely existing when the red headed wonder met Saix.

Saix was a great guy, he was nice, funny, and a little quirky. And he did anything Axel wanted of him. At fist Riku had been weary of Saix, coming seemingly out of no where and suddenly Axel was treated like a prince. Axel responded to it the only way that could have been predicted, he took advantage of it.
Axel was a selfish person but Riku reasoned, that it was with good cause.
'when life fucks with you that much, you have to learn to be selfish, because no one else is going to be selfish for you.' It was the tenth grade when Axel said that, and Riku couldn't help thinking Axel had been talking about his mother.
But then there was Saix, who was selfish just for Axel. 'he just didn't know how to handle it.' Riku thought grimly. But it never effected the couple, when they were together there smiles were the only thing he'd ever seen as bright as the sun.

Brighter than the florescent lights In the hospital as he stood beside the red head, trying to calmly persuade him to stop fucking tearing as he frantically called for a doctor over his shoulder, blood congealing on the floor.

Axel had been happy, at least for a little while.

Riku showed up back at his dorm, taking a moment to collect himself before pushing through the unlocked door.

Demyx was sitting on the edge of the bed, hands holding a single picture so delicately, Riku wondered idly why it wasn't floating away like a feather.
It was an old picture, two summers previous with a disposable camera bought at the corner store.

Axel, Kairi, Saix and himself sat on the boardwalk by the beach, Kairi, Riku and Saix were using two crates to sit upon, Axel was on the ground, fit snuggly between Saix's legs, Messy wind abused spikes brushing against the older man's shirt as hi lifted his head, poking his foot with a stick.
Kairi had abandoned her white tank top for her Bikini top, small tan arms reached around Riku in a hug, peace sign sported traditionally.
And Riku? He was just smiling.

Riku swallowed around the nostalgia and bitter despair that had left residue on his tongue, half a mind to beat this kid- regardless of who he was- for trifling through his shit before the blonde looked up with wet eyes and broke the silence.
"Kairi told me everything"

With nothing else to do, Riku furthered himself into the room and sat across Demyx.
But it was quiet now, as if Demyx has wanted to tell him he knew, but not quite knowing the worth of that fact.

"It's not his fault… not entirely. He doesn't mean to, he doesn't think about it, he just does it.
He just wants that summer back" Riku nodded at the photo in the blondes hand.
"He wants to smile again" Demyx listened quietly, nodding slowly as if he didn't quiet understand.

"Look, what I'm saying is… when you've been marked with death, it haunts you. "He took a deep breath and continued, feeling liberated to finally being able to say it.
"For Axel, it's always been hard, he's never… been quite right in the head you know, I mean, he's great, he's funny, but he is so fucked up." He licked his lips and continued on trying to relay it the best he could. "some people are born fucked up, and some people get fucked up along the way. Some people who are born fucked up get the displeasure of being fucked up all over again. Axel is one of those people."
He never bothered looking back at Demyx, just pulling out his cell phone and walking out of the dorm like he'd never came in at all.

He needed to talk to Kairi.

Demyx didn't show back up to the dorm for two days, by which time Axel was sitting on for floor between the beds with one knee held to his chest and the other sprawled out in front of him.
The entire dormitory reeked of marijuana and his eyes stared unfocused at the art above his bed.
"What the fuck is wrong with me Dem?"
"You're high as for one" Demyx grinned. strained, forced, fake, grin. Axel thought, his mind snarling at the thought. Axel stared blankly at Demyx allowing the other boy to wrench him to his feet, laughing as he stressed his happiness, acting oblivious to anything besides 'Damn Ax, how much did you smoke?' And all Axel could do but to try and do the math before one thought interrupted it all and now the drinks start.
 The blond laughed as he retold a story with over-animated hand gestures.

Liquid courage, to Sedate the Elephant Axel had said grinning as he swallowed another mouth full of Vodka.

He shook his head and looked to Demyx with a grin.
"I will buy you thirty shots on your birthday if you shut up and walk faster"

And that was how he found himself on Yuffie's couch yet again, this time trapped between Riku and Demyx, the latter fully engaged in conversation with the Lady of the house herself Leaving Axel to glance tentatively every few moments towards Riku, who was clearly attempting to murder his beer via death-glare-scowl-from-hell.

He wasn't sure if he was tripping out, too paranoid or if Riku was there to babysit him.
Clearly, he wasn't getting to party-hard himself, and he just trailed the red head all night. granted the red head had simply gone to the kitchen and grabbed a drink before plopping on the couch sprawling out to his entire body covering the vast majority of the couch before realizign that both Riku and Demyx were looking at him expectantly from both sides, from which he shrank his body back so it took up the appropriate amount of couch-space

He knew he'd done too much that night. He had literally smoked himself into oblivion. The undiluted feeling of utter disconnect filled him, he wasn't in university anymore, he was in Riku's house, one year ago.

Grey walls stared back at him. They used to be a bright aquamarine, but they had to paint over them when Axel had unassumably walked in one day, looked at the wall (there used to be a picture there) and proceeded to walk to the window, and attempt to swan dive out of it. Riku had grabbed him at the last second and pulled him away.) Axel didn't blink, he couldn't blink, his eyes were transfixed on the scene appearing In front of him, just for him. He bit his lip anxiously as he stared back at the painting- (Read: the memory) that had been painted over on the wall.
in the summer, Riku, Kairi, Axel himself and-
They were in the process of adding stencils to the bright walls, when Axel decided to do it, quiet stylized, in the end every one got to help.
the afternoon had been hot, pant legs rolled up inside Riku's room they all worked together chatting amongst themselves, laughter a constant crescendo with in the room as thy decorating the teen's room, at some point Kairi and Riku decided to go get ice coffee for them all.
Axel had flung a bit a paint at his 'blue haired counterpart' smiling at his work like he hadn't just started what was known as 'paint war: world war Riku' in the bedroom.
they had made a mess of the place, while Riku left for coffee, Kairi in tow, Axel and-
They had managed to paint the wall behind them splatters stains and smudges of acid green and golden.

Axel got another smear of paint on his nose, and that was somehow incentive to shove the other to the floor laughing, straddling hips and heaving chests and before he could really process what was happening it turned into a moment, one of those sickeningly cliché moments from the movies that inclines to people to lean toward each other with melding lips and caresses as light at feathers.

Love turned into hunger which turned into desperation by the time Axel's pants were sliding down his impossible hips, over his scars, to be discarded haphazardly because it was just something keeping them apart. He needed to be closer, so much closer, because they were one in the same, they were everything and nothing, they were two people who, through the jagged edges of struggle and torment fit together perfectly. Axel was his, and He was Axel's, and that made everything okay. The burning pain, the immense pleasure was perfect, because some how they were perfect. Two people the world looked upon as flawed adolescences screaming to be heard and struggling to find identity. Even if they didn't know who they were, they knew who one another was so fully that even with eyes shuddering in painful bliss they could trace every line, scar and freckle.

By the time Riku and Kairi came back they were sitting against the wall, Axel between his lover's legs, both leaning back, one hand entwined with another while Axel held a cigarette between his fingers, occasionally lifting it to the others mouth as a pianists hand ran fingers through brilliant red hair.

Axel blinked hard, throwing himself up in the bed and dragging the messenger bag off the floor and into his lap.
'Where's Riku..'
His cell phone revealed no new texts or missed calls, so with a curse he tossed it aside, throwing aside the note books in his bag for the small red pouch with golden emblements adorning it.
he popped the small latch with ease dropping two white pills under his tongue. It didn't take long for the bitter filmy taste of medical coating to glaze his tongue, he swallowed it easily, accustomed and almost fond of the rancid bitter taste by now.
Deep in his mind something told him- he knew that this wasn't right.
Axel didn't care about what was right though, because everything was so wrong. Everything was just so fucked up, so fucked up that instead of spitting out the narcotics, he just flipped the pills inside his mouth with his tongue and began to play with them like fucking hard candies around his mouth even sucking on them now and again, all the while keeping his eyes staring at his hands, the bed, his bag. Anything but that wall, anything but that memory.

Axel's hands balled into fists as one ragged breath tore through him wracking his rib cage like it really was empty, like he really was empty, just muscle and skin stretched over the canvas of his skeletons, no organs beneath or within the skin, all vital organs missing, or maybe removed.
He could vaguely make out the feel of Riku's hand on his shoulder, the vibrations of the others voice as it caressed his ear, hot breath spilling over the side of his neck and making him shake because when had it gotten that cold?

With out the command to do so, only his distant recognition that his body was moving through the sea of people, winding and weaving, guided only by that firm, steady yet faint pressure on his shoulder, leading him out into the open air.
Hands that were his, but didn't feel like it, he didn't remember grabbing the smoke from his pocket, or his lighter he couldn't steady his hand enough to light.
Riku snatched the lighter, and gently held the flame he created to the red heads face, said red head taking long deep drags off the thing, trying to keep his knee's from giving out and caving in.
The pale moon was high in the sky illuminating the bodies huddled near the ground.
The sobs that tore from somewhere deep inside Axel's chest seemed somehow inhuman, animalistic in their deep despair, and Riku could have been mistaken for a romanticized monster, all silver and pale beauty in the moon light, stroking Axel's hair and keeping one arm around him, balancing them both as a low murmur of unintelligible words passed his lips like silk but Axel saw what had haunted and left Riku's eyes dark and tortured.

Were they full of hate?
did he hate Axel?

He tried to make his tongue move, to ask, but he was too weak, too sick, and his body swayed with the effort of trying to produce coherent thoughts.
Riku held him up and walked him back to his dorm.
a heavy weight- Not as Heavy as it should be, all bones and skin, too thin-Was nurtured in his arms, supporting and half–dragging the seemingly broken boy back to the safety of his bedroom.

When they arrived Axel darted to the bathroom, and Riku stood outside of it, watching his best friend (The remnants of his best friend) writhe, shake, shiver and convulse on the floor, his lungs gasping for breath as his body worked to expel food and fluids that simply weren't there.

Axel's drug dependency was something Riku had long since given up on curing.
He wouldn't intervene or bug about it, but when Axel lifted his eyes and they met his own, a brief moment that seemed to last a small eternity but eternity never lasts as long as it should.
In that moment Riku wished for the dull glazed content those pills had given his best friend, he'd thought that was the worst look, at one point.
nothing could compare to the raw pain in those eyes now.
Acid green reduced to red-ringed blood shot pain.
Skin paler than it had a right to be, gaunt, like he himself had died along with his lover that day.

because that's what everything boiled down to.
Saix. Because Saix was gone, Axel was nothing.
there was nothing left of Axel, his insides had been scrubbed raw-clean with steal wool. Even his vibrant red hair fell around his face, eccentric spikes reduced to matting, dirty, dying hair,lacking the nutrients it needs to stay beautiful
Axel was no longer the same kind of beautiful he had once been.

Axel was, for all intents purposes dead.