Jyn got halfway down the hallway before inexplicable nausea gripper her throat. She had to stop and lean against the wall, ignoring the questioning looks a couple cadets gave her on their jog by.
A few seconds of panicked silence, and the nausea eased, sitting in the back of her throat but allowing her to continue moving to the hangar.
Jyn's frown deepened. That was going to be a problem. There was only so much time she could pass morning sickness off as space sickness or exhaustion.
She emerged from the hallway into the wide hangar bay. She could see the knot of people gathered around the holo screen and realized that she was late. Damn Cassian...
She shuffled into the crowd, ignoring the nausea continuing to play in the back of her throat. She noticed that Cassian was staring at her hard across the the circle. She met his eyes and then looked away, pointedly fixing on the general speaking.
"Some of the fleet will be running distraction, some of you will begin phase one of arrival on Hoth, in the event that the Empire wizens up to our plans. Gold leader, you will take Skywalker and your team directly to the Death Star, your only hope is to have the best aim possible.
"Force willing, we can hit it." Luke Skywalker's young voice piped up from the front. Jyn's blood ran cold. They were assaulting the Death Star. The moment they had been preparing for was finally here. That was why the Rebellion was in such a hurry.
"Report to your team leaders for your exact assignments." The General said, and the crowd began to break up. Cassian made a beeline for Jyn.
"Cassian, I-"
"I have been moved to red squad." Cassian interrupted her.
Jyn's blood ran cold and nausea threatened its way to the top of her throat. She must have gone pale because Cassian moved in to grip her arms. She winced as the bandage over her blaster wounds shifted, but he didn't notice.
"You're upset that you won't be out there with me. I promise I'll fly true for the both of us. For Rogue One."
Jyn took a moment to process what he'd just said. She blinked. He'd mistaken her reaction for jealousy, not concern. He thought that she wanted to be up there with him. The exact opposite was true, but she couldn't damn well say it in the middle of the hangar, with tears threatening to burn their way out of her eyes.
"You're wrong." God, it was a fight to keep her voice level and low. "I think it is a good choice." Cassian's brow relaxed a little. She could see the cold thrill of excitement in his eyes. He was going to fucking relish every single second out there with the red team. It was what he'd been waiting for, biding his time in cargo busts for, anticipating the day the Alliance would take note of his piloting skills.
"I'll see you later." Cassian said under his breath, squaring his shoulders and moving to the red team roundup. Jyn forced herself not to turn and watch him go, just keep walking forwards to her group assignment.
"Erso, you'll be taking the second transport to Hoth while the fleet has the Empire distracted." Her team leader barked out. She nodded numbly. Equipment for the Alliance's new base. Simple enough. As long as the fleet did their job, she would be out of harm's way.
She ghosted her way through the rest of the briefing, then walked numbly to her quarters. She had an hour to get herself ready. It seemed like too much time.
Cassian wasn't waiting outside her door when she arrived, but she knew he'd be there soon. She had to pull this stupid dazed look off her face and do a better job of acting like she wasn't terrified for his safety to some measure...
She really only had time to stand in the middle of her dark room for about a minute before the doorpad whistled.
"Enter. Lights." She said, forcing her voice calm again. The lights flickered on, and Cassian's familiar boot treat entered the room.
"Can you believe it." His husky voice said. "On the red team for the assault on that bloody death machine."
Jyn forced herself to turn around, feeling completely disjointed.
"I'm happy for you, Cassian, I am."
"But."
His dark eyes were burning into hers. He was expecting her to criticize him.
"I want you to be careful." She said quietly. Cassian relaxed.
"I am sorry, I should not have angered so quickly." He came forward and bent to kiss her neck. "Of course I will be careful."
Jyn didn't believe it for a second. Cassian was a good man, but he would take any chance he could to be the hero of the Rebel Alliance again. Any further words would fall on deaf ears. So she closed her mouth. Cassian continued his ministrations on her neck, but it failed to excite her in any way. When he pulled her jacket off her shoulders, she winced as his hands gripped her blaster wounds again.
"What is wrong with your arm?" Cassian asked, watching her carefully. Jyn took the hem of her shirt off and jerked it over her head, revealing the bandages covering her upper arm and shoulder.
"Dios mio, what is this?" Cassian asked.
"It's nothing. A hold up in the bust, that's all."
"Why didn't you tell me that you were injured?" Cassian asked, his dark eyes burning again. Jyn didn't answer, just turned to the bed and began pulling her boots off.
"Jyn, answer me." Cassian said, unmoving. "Jyn-"
"Because you don't ask." She said quietly, through the nausea and tears burning her throat.
"What do you mean?" Cassian advanced on her.
"You come to my room after every mission, spit hell afire about the rebellion and how under-appreciated you feel, you fuck me, and you leave."
Cassian looked like she'd slapped him, and for a moment she wished that she had.
The silence stretched, then Cassian broke it.
"I thought it was mutually beneficial." The hurt look was receding from his eyes, retreating behind his iron-clad will. In its place was a mask of stone indifference. It made Jyn's chest hurt. But two could play at that game.
"It is." She forced herself to look at him with the same act of cold indifference she saw mirrored in his eyes. In that moment, she wished that she had the courage to tell him her secret. But even the look of shock on his face wouldn't be worth the aftermath. Not with that look in his eyes.
Cassian stepped forwards, and jerked his shift over his head, stepping out of his boots. Jyn set her jaw and dropped her trousers. Cassian did the same. Then he pushed her on the bed.
Jyn forced herself to find refuge in her own head while Cassian's rough lovemaking continued. He was neither careful or considerate, hell bent on achieving his climax before the call went out for battle. Pilots always said they flew better after they'd been fucked.
Everything changed when a grim thought raced across her mind. This could be the last memory she had of Cassian. A fight and a fuck.
Jyn couldn't stop the tears flowing down her cheeks as Cassian shuddered and groaned above her, his hot body nearly burning her with its touch.
"Dios mio, why are you crying." Cassian asked. Jyn couldn't see his face through her tears. She couldn't speak either, only hold onto his arms in the tightest grip she could manage. All she could think about was the first time. The first time they'd slept together.
Cassian sighed and got out of bed, pulling his clothes on. Jyn lay there, feeling winded.
"Pull yourself together, you have to fly." He growled. Jyn began to go through the motions of putting on the clothing that Cassian threw at her.
"Do you even remember the first time we slept together?" Jyn asked quietly as Cassian strapped on his blaster and made to leave.
"What?"
"Do you remember the first time we slept together?" Jyn asked.
"What about it." Cassian replied.
"Do you remember what you said?"
Cassian pressed the door pad and it whooshed open.
"No. Why would I?"
Jyn laughed. It was a ragged and cold sound coming from her.
"Damn it, Erso. What do you want."
Jyn snapped.
"I want you to tell me you love me, like you did that night. I want you to say you-"
The slap echoed around the small room. Jyn staggered back, pressing a hand to her cheek. She couldn't breathe.
"Those words don't belong in a war." Cassian said coldly.
The the door slid shut, leaving Jyn with the last memory of the father of her child standing over her like she was a stranger.