Title: Not the Same
Author: D (pleasefuckoff)
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.
Author's Note: Peoples, let me know what you think because I'm beta-less and I'd really like y'all's opinions on this piece.
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"So did you think I was going to like, what, assault you or something?" Emily laughs as we lay side to side on the floor at the foot of my bed. I elbow her, feeling my cheeks turn red.
"Stop talking about it will you?" God, I'm embarrassed enough as it is. She sputters and begins to laugh and I roll my eyes with a sigh. I let her laugh it out and soon it dies down. There's silence between the two of us, a pause. Things have gotten better since our time in the closet. Okay, haha. Laugh about it now. But it's been better. Less... tense.
And every time it becomes tense, one of us pops that bubble. I look over at her, and that's exactly how it is now. She's looking at me so intensely. I hold her gaze as long as I can, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. I'm not used to it. I turn away and so does she. I expect her to pop the bubble as she begins to make some stretching motions before laying back down. She still hasn't said a word though.
Another beat. And she situates herself closer to me, her head on my shoulder. I'm a little shocked. It makes me freeze. I don't move. Neither does she, but then she bites her lip when I continue my not moving, thinking she did the wrong thing, and starts to move away.
Quickly, I put my arm around her. No. This is good. I like this. She calms down and settles back against me. It feels good. It feels nice. I breathe in deeply to try and calm my racing heart. The proximity is a bit much. I'm not used to being so close to someone, but I really need to get over it. Because I really like it.
Hesitantly, I feel her arm drift over my stomach, hugging herself to me. God, she must feel like she's walking on eggshells here. "Tell me something about yourself." She asks of me softly. I can feel her breath, each syllable of her words in puffs of air against the skin of my collarbone.
"Mmm." I think about what to say, what there is to know about me. I'm really very boring. I don't have any stories about drunken escapades with my mates. I don't have any mates really. "I strongly believe that Taiwan is an independant country and not part of China." She laughs at this. I guess she wasn't expecting an answer like that.
"Really? How so?" She asks me, genuinely interested. I've never met someone so engrossed in what I was saying. And I don't even think that it matters to Em what I'm saying, just the fact that I'm saying it.
"Well," I chuckle because she seems so focused. I can feel her eyes on me as I stare at the ceiling. "The independants fled to Taiwan to escape the Communist party after they overtook the government. The Maoists didn't even recognize the losing party until they set up a country for themselves, began to develop and so forth. It's the same as Tibet." I shake my head in disgust. "It's horrible, really."
She hugs me tighter. "I love how you take a stand for the things you believe in. I wish I could do that." I really don't understand why she can't. Emily is as passionate as me, if not more. She's just passionate about different things.
"Why can't you?" Emily shrugs as she buries her head against my neck. I know she wants to stand up to Katie. I know it's what she's talking about, and I really have no place in telling her what to do, or voicing my opinion on the situation because I haven't a clue what's gone on between them. I don't know what it's like. I mean, I'm an only child. I'm not used to being overpowered. Even so, if I were to tell her what to do, I'd be doing the same thing as Katie: controlling her.
"I dunno. It's just... hard. I mean, everyone knows me as this person, this nice person, who doesn't complain, doesn't argue. A doormat. They think I don't know how to fight." How untrue that is. "It's hard to break that mold, you know? Not like I can wake up one day and say, 'Eh Katie, you're a fuckin' cow, stop stealing my clothes.' I would probably get my ass handed to me."
I laugh as I imagine the scene unfolding before me. "Well I believe you'd be the one kicking ass. No one knows. You're so much stronger than you let on."
"You know this huh? You know me?" Not too long ago, I told Emily that the idea that she knew me was ridiculous. I know now that I was the one being ridiculous. I know her. I know who she is. I may not know every little quirk about her, but I'd like to learn. I may not have been there with her in the past, but I want to be there for her in the future. Jesus, this girl is turning me into some hopeless romantic.
"I do." I say with a hopeless romantic smile. "And you know me." I admit to her in a whisper, like it's a secret. It makes her smile. She has a brilliant smile.
"Your turn. Tell me something about you." I say, changing the subject. I do want to know about her. Everything I can.
"Well, I get all riled up when Katie steals my clothes, but deep down, I know I'll never wear them. I'm much too shy for that." Suddenly, it's all very depressing. She sighs. "I buy all these tops... and skirts... and I like to imagine myself wearing these nice... pretty things, but I won't wear them. I'm afraid of what people'll think of me. I suppose it's better that Katie steals them from me. At least she puts'em to use." The last part trails off into a sad mutter.
"Why do you do that?" I ask her bluntly. She looks up into my eyes, genuinely confused. I'm surprised she doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about. 'That'. She knows what 'that' is. She does 'that' all the time. All the damn time.
"What?" She asks when I don't answer her. I'm still surprised that she doesn't catch on. For a bright girl, she's a little slow right now.
"Put yourself down." I sigh and hug her tightly. I want her to know the truth in my words. I want her to know how much I mean it when I say this. "Emily you are the most capable and passionate woman I've ever met. So do something about it when you know you want to."
Her eyes look like they're going to well up, like she's touched by what I've just said. She leans closer to me and I can feel the heat of her face against mine. I think she's going to kiss me, and what shocks me is that I think I want her to. I know I want her to.
Instead she puts her head back onto my shoulder and lets out a deep breath. "Thank you." She whispers. "For believing in me." Was there ever any doubt? Emily is the only one I know that believes in me back. She believes unconditionally. She does everything unconditionally. Without even thinking about it, I kiss the top of her head.
We laid like that for a good time, in complete silence. Normally, silence bothers me. I like to speak what's on my mind, and I don't like it when people keep secrets. Usually when there's silence, I'm not speaking what's on my mind, and people are keeping secrets. Right now, I have nothing to say. My mind is at rest, at peace. Emily yawns. I can feel her try and hide it, forcing her jaw not to open as much as it normally would were she really yawning. She's tired. Not that I could blame her. I'm rather tired myself.
"I just wish that I could have confidence. I want to feel attractive, but I don't want to feel like I'm dressing like a hooker. Not that Katie's a hooker or anything. Just... I-well I mean I dunno..." She sputters off before yawning again. I yawn too. It's infectious.
I sigh at both the yawning and what Emily's said. I nudge the side of her head with my shoulder a few times. "C'mon." Is all I say as I stand up. Emily watches me as I do this. I'll admit, I stop for a moment before I take off my shirt. She watches me as I do this as well. I feel her eyes roaming all over my body but I don't hate it like I expect I would. I tug off my skirt as she stands up along with me.
Emily looks like she's at ends with what to do. My sympathies fly to her. I've thrown her for a loop so many times. She stares into my eyes as my hands reach down to the hem of her t-shirt. She lets me pull it over her head. I kiss her briefly on the lips, but not long enough to linger. I'm really not ready to sleep with her, I should tell her that. I want to let her know that clothes really don't matter to me. What she wears doesn't matter. She could put on a garbage bag and I wouldn't mind. It's not about sexy clothes. It's not the clothes that make her sexy.
She doesn't take her eyes off of me as she pulls off her shorts. I take her hand and lead her to bed, pulling the covers off and slipping in, scooting over enough to make room for her. She watches me carefully still as she slides in next to me.
The way her leg slips against mine, and the feeling of her smooth calf against the side of my knee. It's erotic. It makes me flush in the memory of her and her skin against me. And suddenly, my brain thinks that this is about sex. That's not at all what it's about. It's about being there for Emily. It's about the simplicity of it. Not to mention that I don't like sleeping in very much clothing, or any at all. "I'm not ready for sex." I blurt out clumsily, and she raises her eyebrows at me for a moment before laughing.
"Okay," Her words aren't patronizing and they don't jibe at me. She simply lies down on one of my pillows, looking into my eyes. Slowly, very slowly, I bring my arms around her. She turns around so I can hold her properly, wiggling back so that her back is flush to my front. It's all very... ahem. Nice. I wrap my arms around her tighter. I don't want to let go.
"Thank you for letting me know." She says quietly as I feel her hands on top of mine once more. The tingling doesn't stop this time. It travels the entire length of my arm. It feels like someone's put pop rocks directly into my blood stream. The tingles all gather at the pit of my stomach. I feel like it's doing flips.
"Good night, Em." I whisper in her ear. Her eyes are already closed. I spend the time just looking at her. She's breathtaking. When I'm fairly certain she's fallen asleep, I shut my eyes and place my lips on the shell of her ear where my words had drifted moments ago. I kiss her, with a certainty and devotion that frightens me.
I'm startled again when I realize she's not asleep. She takes the hand that's in hers and brings it up to her lips. I feel her kiss my knuckles lightly and her body shift as she hugs my hand tightly to her chest. "G'night, Naomi." She says sleepily. I watch her drift to sleep. I know she's asleep this time because she's snoring so very lightly.
Even that is a beautiful sound.